Here it is! For some reason this chapter made me laugh at the begining anf cry at the end...
Resentment
Sawyer stood for the longest time in the same spot in the sand staring down at Nicholas with no idea of what to do. His body kept wanted to walk forward, go out o to the beach, and give him back to Jack, but then again he thought this was something he had to get over. He couldn't just go away and expect Kate to jus to just give up. Plus deep down he didn't want to go away. In his heart he wanted to get to know him.
Slowly turning around he tried to jog his memory to what he had been doing. He spotted the open suitcase with thing he had collected thrown about. He had been sorting through the stuff he had been hoarding. He needed to get back to it, but now he had Nicholas. How could he do anything with a baby?
He looked back to his bed and the saw the car seat Jack had brought in with him. Adjusting Nicholas against him he walked over. Hoping he could sit him in there for a while.
"You're going to sit in here for a second. Ok?" He asked as he put his hand to the back of his head.
Sitting him back in the seat his hands guiding his tiny body to the material. Never letting go of him, too afraid if he did something would happen. He was so worried about doing something wrong. Nicholas let out a faint cry as Sawyer's hand slid out form under him.
Sawyer quickly looked up to him. Nicholas' eyes were glued to Sawyer's as they filled with tears.
"What? What?" He asked staring at Nicholas with wide of eyes of sudden wonder.
He quickly looked him over confused as to why he was suddenly crying. Why was he crying? He didn't cry with Jack. Maybe because it was Jack and this was Sawyer. Maybe the baby knew something deep down inside that only babies knew. Maybe he knew Sawyer wasn't the father there for he didn't have to keep calm with him.
All sorts of thoughts swirled in Sawyer's mind as he panicked. He didn't know what to do. Jack had told him he had been fed and he had taken a nap. What else was there for him to cry about? Then it clicked.
Sawyer quickly sat up strait and stared hard into Nicholas' eyes. With a raise eyes brow he quickly became uneasy and uncomfortable at the thought. His face became distorted as he looked to Nicholas.
"Uh uh." He said shaking his head.
Nicholas began to cry louder as he bawled his hands into tiny little fists. It made Sawyer's heart ache seeing him suddenly in some sort of pain or whatever was wrong with him. He knew he couldn't leave him like that. He had to gather his strength and do it.
Leaning down he sucked in a deep breath. Slowly closing his eyes he let the breath blow out over his lips. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Taking another deep breath he began to sniff around for any kind of smell that could tell him what he needed to know.
He felt a tug at his head. Then another quickly after it. Glancing up he saw Nicholas had grabbed a strand of his hair into one of his little fist and was pulling his hardest at it. He let out a giggle over his lowering cry as he flailed his arm around in the air pulling tighter on Sawyer's head making all sorts of noises. At least he wasn't crying anymore and that put Sawyer' heart pace back to normal.
Reaching up he grabbed a hold of Nicholas' hand and tried to pull his hair free. Nicholas wasn't having it. He held it tighter and gave it another tug.
"OW! Dammit!" Sawyer yelled wincing in pain.
He went for it again and again Nicholas pulled it tighter.
"Come on need my hair back!" Sawyer exclaimed pulling at his tiny hand again.
Finally he pried apart his pudgy fingers. He pulled his hair back leaving Nicholas' hand I mid air. He looked up at his empty hand for a minute and then to Sawyer before he began to whimper. Sawyer quickly looked at him and saw he was on the verge of crying again.
"No. No. No. Come on please don't cry." Sawyer begged.
Turning away he searched frantically through his things. Looking for anything he could play with. All of it was person needs type of things. No baby toys.
"There has to be something!' Sawyer groaned gritting his teeth.
Plunging his hand into one of the bags he reached around aimlessly for something. Then he heard a squeak that got both of their attentions. Pulling his hand back he came to see it was some sort of stuffed bear.
His eyes turned to Nicholas who looked over at him with wanting eyes. He wasn't crying anymore, but he was whining. With a smile Sawyer handed him the small bear. Taking it in his hands he looked it over. Accessing it. Instantly he held it up in the air and began trying his hardest to squeeze it. He liked the sound it made and it became a game to see how many times he could make the noise.
Sawyer had to smile at his own satisfaction. He got him to stop crying. Now he could get back to what he had been doing.
"Now be quiet." Sawyer warned with a smile as he pointed down to Nicholas.
He didn't even pay attention he was too mesmerized by the bear and the noise it was making. He didn't care about Sawyer anymore.
"Good."
And with the, Sawyer gave the car seat a gentle tap sending it into a rocking motion. With a deep breath he turned and walked over to his things. Leaving Nicholas to sit and suck on his pacifier as he swung the squeaky bear in the air.
"So everything is going ok with you and little one?" Charlie asked looking over to Kate as they walked along the trail to the beach.
"Yeah. So far so good. He's just a little fussy." Kate said looking down to her feet as they walked.
"All babies are." Charlie tried to assure her.
"He seems extra fussy.' Kate joked with a smile.
The two got quiet as they came out on the clearing of the beach. The sudden sound of waves soothed Kate. It brought a conclusion to the rest she had had that day. Now back to being a mother. She was almost put into a daze thinking about it.
"Well I got to meet Hurley down at the other side of the beach." Charlie announced pulling away from her.
Kate jerked her head over out of her daze to see him walking away. Then he stopped and turned back to her.
"We're going fishing." He said with a huge grin.
"Have fun." She smile watching him walk down the beach.
Kate's eyes moved away from him and looked over the beach for Jack. She half expected him to see her first, but he hadn't come running up yet. She didn't see him either. She began to wonder where he was. Scanning the beach she saw neither of them. Not that she thought in any way they'd be separated, but she can to the point of looking for both of them.
"Hey Charlie!" She yelled down the beach.
He stopped mid stride and looked back to her. Immediately he saw confusion over her stance. She was balancing on one leg instead of on both.
"Yeah?" He questioned.
"You sure Jack was supposed to be out here on the beach right?" She asked looking around again making sure she wasn't missing him sitting somewhere.
"Yeah. He said he'd be out here with the little one." He smiled.
"Ok."
She was uneasy still as she looked around. Maybe they were more towards the surf, she thought. Walking slowly across the sand she listened for the familiar sound of Nicolas crying. She didn't hear it at first, when she did it came from a place she didn't expect.
Her eyes quickly glanced over to where his crying was coming from. Sawyer's tent. Why was it coming from Sawyer's tent? Nicholas was supposed to be with Jack. Kate didn't leave herself time to think. She just turned and headed up towards Sawyer tent.
Sawyer tried his best to block out the screaming. It wasn't something that came easy. Then he would look up and see Nicholas' distorted face as his mouth hung open crying. That didn't help matters. It just sent the worse possible feeling to the pit of his stomach.
Standing up he walked through the sand over to him. He stood for a moment looking down to the crying infant with a furrowed brow. Leaning over him he slid his hands under him with ease. As gently and slowly as he could, he picked him up and brought him to his chest.
Yet still he cried begging again for something he could not say. It began to frustrate Sawyer as he carried along around his tent. Bouncing Nicholas in his arms.
"You're causing as much trouble now then before you were born." Sawyer chuckled thinking if he'd talk Nicholas would calm down.
He was wrong. Nicholas continued to bawl. Again Sawyer had no idea what to do. So he did what he had done the first time. Again no diaper change. Setting him back in the car seat he tried the bear again. He threw it to the sand. It left him with one option. What he did when Claire's baby cried. He tried to read to him.
Grabbing Water Ship Down he came over and sat down next to the car seat on the bed. Picking up his handmade glasses from one of the case near by, he slipped them over his ears letting them sit low on his nose.
Before opening the book he gave the seat a little tap causing it rock back and forth. He thought it would calm him down, but it only caused him to cry more. So Sawyer quickly stopped it and went on to read the story.
Taking a deep breath he shook all the negative thoughts out of his head and began to read.
"Water Ship Down by-"
That's all he got out before Nicholas let out a scream. Sawyer looked up over the top of the book. There he sat thrashing his arms about as he kicked his feet up and down. He was causing the seat to move more back and forth than Sawyer had. His screaming was to the point that it was giving Sawyer more of a migraine then he already had.
He thought maybe if he continued he might clam down after a while. With another deep breath he ran his hand through he hair and turned back to the book.
"By-"
He let out another blood chilling scream as he struggled within the seat. Sawyer glanced up and felt his stomach go weak knowing he had no idea what to do. He also knew he couldn't just sit there and stare at him hoping he shut up.
"What?" Sawyer asked leaning over him.
He half expected him to grab a hold of his hair again, but instead he turned away form Sawyer and continued to scream. Every time he let out another cry another hair stood up straighter on Sawyer's back.
"What do you want?" He questioned in a whine.
It was to the point where he wanted to cry himself. He was so helplessly lost. All he could do was stare down at Nicholas trying to think of something to do.
"I don't know what you wa-"
"What's going on here?"
Sawyer's head snapped around to see Kate standing in the entranceway of his tent. She stared at him with question written all over her face. She said nothing looking away from him and over to Nicholas. A smile came across her face as she slowly made her way over to him.
Sawyer looked away from her and back to Nicholas. His eyes went wide and immediately caught sight of Kate as she came hovering over him. Seeing her didn't change his mood. He only stopped crying for a brief second before he began to whimper again.
"He's been like that all day." Sawyer huffed rolling his eyes looking away.
"Oh Nicholas…." She began pushing her hair behind her ear as she slid her hands under him.
Holding him in her arms with his head resting in the bend of her elbow she looked down to Sawyer. She could see the somewhat release he felt when she picked him up. Although he still cried, Kate had him and probably knew what to do.
"Has he been changed?" She asked locking eyes with him.
"I checked that."
Kate spotted Water Ship Down in Sawyer hand. She had to smile at his attempt to read to Nicholas.
"Maybe he doesn't like bunnies." She smirked pulling at the book with her free hand.
Sawyer quickly snatched it back and took the comment as an insult.
"No. I read this thinking he'd calm down, but he didn-"
"What's this?" She questioned leaning down over the car seat she failed to notice.
She picked up the pacifier Sun had given Jack. The one thing that had kept him quiet up till them.
"Don't know. He was sucking on it when Jack brought him by." Sawyer shrugged.
"So Jack brought him by?" She questioned bringing the pacifier to Nicholas' mouth.
"Yeah. Asked if I could watch him cause he had things to do and you were-"
Sawyer stopped and turned his attention to a now completely silent Nicholas. Kate even looked down and instantly felt at ease to see him quietly sucking on the pacifier as he looked back and forth between Sawyer and Kate.
"You have to be shitting me." Sawyer exclaimed with wide eyes.
"He just wanted the pacifier." She smiled running his finger over his forehead and down his cheek.
"Yeah, he just doesn't like me." Sawyer groaned.
"Sawyer."
Kate scolded him with a harsh stare causing him to turn away. It was how he felt. At times. Kate slowly turned her stare back to Nicholas.
"What makes you think that?"
"He wasn't crying when Jack brought him in here." Sawyer said.
"Maybe Jack was doing something else to keep him calm."
"Whatever." Sawyer sighed pulling his glasses off as he got up.
"I think he doesn't like me."
"Spend some time with him. He just doesn't know you as well as he does Jack." Kate suggested following Sawyer around with his eyes as she stood in her place.
"Cause the Doc's practically attached to your hip." Sawyer smirked.
"No, it's just that you aren't around as much."
"You're never out on the beach. You should be out here more."
"I can't do that to him. Have him switched back and forth with him being so young. I'm not exactly happy with Jack bringing him out here in the first place. He's not ready to be juggled around Sawyer." She said.
"Then how am I supposed to see him?" He questioned.
"Come to the caves."
"Yeah, ok. Jack would be real happy with that one." Sawyer chuckled.
"It's not up to Jack!" Kate exclaimed.
"You're his father too." She continued looking down to Nicholas as he moved around in her arms.
"Neither Jack or anyone else can stop you from seeing him. And when he's stronger he can come out to the beach."
Sawyer was silent with her words as he lowered his head. She was right. He just wanted a simple reason as to why Nicholas was crying so much. Him not being the father was simple to him.
Both looked back to Nicholas as he let out a small sigh. Seeing him yawn and close his eyes Kate realized he had settled now as was ready for sleep.
"Well I guess he's going to be out soon, better go find Jack." She said gathering Nicholas' things.
Sawyer stood where he was as she put all of his things together in the bag Jack had left with Sawyer. She thought about taking the car seat with her, but decided it'd be best for Sawyer to keep for when he had Nicholas. If in fact he got over everything.
Leaning over she picked up Nicholas' bag and pulled it over her shoulder. Making sure he was secure in her arms she readied to walk out. But not before turning back to Sawyer. His lonesome demeanor almost broke her heart.
"Remember what I said. Anytime you want to."
With a sigh he nodded his head. Standing in his place still he watched her turn and begin to head out. His eyes wondered over to the car seat and took notice of the toy bear sitting in it. He almost had to smile thinking back to how excited Nicholas seemed when he gave it to him. Trying his hardest to make it squeak.
"Wait!" He called behind her.
She looked back before she stopped. She began confused seeing him walk up with something in his hand. His eyes didn't even meet hers. They instead were attached to Nicholas who was already asleep.
"Here.' He said handing Kate the bear.
She stared at it with question for a minute. Then it became apparent.
"He likes to try and make it squeak." Sawyer explained.
"Oh. Thanks." She smiled shoving it in the bag with Nicholas' other things.
"No problem." Sawyer smiled.
She almost wanted to hug him or leave a kiss on his cheek, but if felt wrong. She wasn't supposed to have feeling for Sawyer anymore, but she did. Looking down to her son in her arms and back up to Sawyer those once denied and hidden feelings came back up. She had to walk away before seeing him became too much.
Coming out on the beach the breeze hit her and the waves calmed her. She felt better having left Sawyer's tent, but at the same time she felt horrible for the way she left things. She shook every thought about him out of her head seeing Jack sitting off to the side of her as he sorted through things.
He looked up to her as she came close. A smiled came over his lips seeing how much better she looked. Her face was lightened with a smile as her hair whipped across it in the wind. He couldn't count how many times a day he said to him self that she was beautiful.
"Hey." She smiled dropping Nicholas' bags to the sand.
He said nothing as she sat down next to him. His eyes quickly came to Nicholas. Seeing him sleeping in Kate's arms made him feel even better and made him think she was more beautiful.
"When'd you come out here?" He asked going back to what he was doing trying to hide his obvious thoughts.
"A little while ago with Charlie." She smiled.
"With Charlie? You didn't come alone?"
"No, why?"
"No reason. Just glad you didn't go by yourself." He said.
"Jack, I'm perfectly fine to walk around by myself. I haven't had any one follow or try to hur-"
"Yeah, but someone did. And they tried to do something to him before he was even born." He expressed acknowledging Nicholas.
"You don't need to worry about me Jack." She said barely above a whisper.
"I can't help it. No matter what I say I'll always worry about you and him."
She couldn't help but smile at his words. It was the truth. He was always worried about her and probably always will be. Jack was just that way. He cared too much.
"How'd he do with Sawyer?" Jack asked.
"Good." Kate said nodding her head.
There was no way she was going to tell Jack the things Sawyer said. That was just going to give fuel to the kindling fire that was slowly trying to go out. Things were good between the three and she wasn't going to jeopardize that.
"Good." Jack smiled turning his attention back to cleaning up the mess he made.
"Yeah…" Kate sighed glancing over her shoulder.
There she came to see what she expected to see. Sawyer standing outside his tent, cigarette hanging in his mouth. His eyes turned from the water that captivated him over to her. His stance changed seeing her staring back at him. He couldn't take the odd pressure it put over him for one minute. Flicking the cigarette quickly to the sand he turned. He didn't even give her a glance as he walked back into his tent.
"We should head back."
Kate looked back to see Jack already to his feet before her. Catching his eyes as they stared down at her made her almost shake with confusion of feelings. She was suddenly lost in the moment. Stuck in between the three things she loved most.
"What?" She questioned shaking it out of her head as she became on the verge of tears.
"We need to head back before he wakes up." Jack repeated.
"Yeah, ok." She said as her eyes wondered away from him and down to the sand.
She almost burst out into tears feeling Jack's hand cup her face. His touch sent so many mixed messages to her brain. She wanted to fight it, but she let go and looked up to him.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
"Yeah.' She smiled nodding her head.
"You sure?"
"Yeah." She said again looking down to Nicholas.
Seeing him changed all the images and feelings in her mind. At that moment she thought about him. The one person who she held above everyone else. He was the only thing that mattered in her mind.
"Come on." Jack said taking her by the hand.
Coming to her feet, she quickly began to follow him. Past everyone and all of their lives. Walking past Sawyer's tent she didn't even acknowledge the feeling she was having. Instead she pushed them all to the back of her head as she walked. She focused all of her attention on Nicholas as she and Jack walked back to the caves.