Star Wars 2 and a half

by Yokel

Star Date 3245.2 There was a toad and a toadette and they had a sprog. They named him Yoda, in their language meaning 'Peas' which they dearly loved to cook in bantha stews. And so the legend of the shrivelled, green and hairy swashbuckler was begun.

AN- We decided the full thing was scarily large. So we divided it into five parts. But remember. This is a movie. Not one of those pretentious stories. humph.

Star Wars 2 ½

The Phantom Plotline

Revenge of the Sequel

The Big Cash In

Scene #1

(The big Senate, all random senators in burgundy monk's costumes)

Obi Wan- (wearing Elizabeth 1st costume as they ran out of habits)

So we must strike the DOOOOM star before the ninja clones attack us or something like that.

Light Bulb Head Senator- Do you have a permit?

OW- Pardon?

LBHS- You must have a written certified and sealed permit to allow you to save the day under the prevention of irritating heroism act 2034.650

(Senate falls into malady, close up of corrupt Jaba the Hut rip-off)

OW- I say we charge and attack Count Chocula.

Yokel Senators- Rootin' Tootin'

Southern Senator (real colonel sanders type) – Yeee HAH

Guy who remembers it's meant to be an alien film- Quark

Trademark Blue Jedi- What do you think master Yoda?

Yoda- Hmm, Hasty Jedi Obi is, but

Random Camera Man – I can't take this anymore! (Beats yoda to death with one of those fluffy things on sticks)

Scene 2

Count Chocula is posing for pictures for the Mercury Mercury (a version of OK! Magazine and constant winner of the worst named magazine award)

The room comprises of a vanity, a large cupboard, chairs, and a straw donkey stuffed with flowers, saying "Follow my tracks to Quazon 9"

Count Chocula- Would you excuse me my dear, evil doesn't scheme itself

(Reporter flies off)

Enter storm troopers and corrupt senators

CC- Gentlemen, I didn't hear you slither in.

Fat Senator with onion ring ears- You know Count, as much I enjoy these elaborate schemes involving satellites, nuclear warheads, and innumerable henchmen, I was thinking……..

(Fails to finish sentence as he begins to splutter blood)

CC- What the hell?

Senator- It's my own fault, Dammit, I know I shouldn't have eaten Yoda.

CC- You ATE Yoda?

Pinhead- Why would you want to do that? He is shrivelled green and hairy.

Blue Senator- What did he taste like?

OR- A bit like grandpa from Rugrats.

PH- Do you eat fictional characters often then, I hear they dull your taste buds.

OR- I am something of a connoisseur, how ironic it should be the death of me.

Yokel- Yeah, ma motha always said, never eat fancy-pants CGI, as it gives you the runs something terrible.

OR dies, his spiky head conveniently spears souvenir donkey.

CC- Moving swiftly on gentlemen, I would like to introduce the saviour of the dark side,

Storm trooper steps forward

Removes Helmet

CC- Snooks!

Snooks is evidently George Lucas

SN- Hidey HO!

CC- Enough of this twaddle, to the circus!

Screen spins like in cartoon action strip

Scene 3

The Circus

All dark siders sit in front row seats clutching popcorn, glow sticks, and those giant hands saying 'Charge!'

Yoda hovers down and takes seat next to them.

Pinhead (cordially)- Hey Yoda, how did you get out of the dead senator so fast?

Yoda- Pretty, it was not.

Circus music, enter Jaja Binks

Does randomness and stitch impersonation

JJB- Meesha, Keesha, blah, blah, blah, aren't I the most annoying thing in the multiverse?

Yoda- Say, you did what?

JJB- What the hell is this?

Yoda- Gone too far, you have, most annoying thing, I am

JJB- Do you wanna come down here an' prove it.

Yoda- Take this outside, we must, lameass

JJB- Alw righ' you're askin' for it

Yoda- Get it you will

Begins sparring with JJB

JJB- Fight me bitch, fight me.

Unfortunately the censors cannot allow the gore such a spectacle merits, so we cut to…

Scene 4

Mace Pink Sabre, Soon 2 b Darth, and Obi Wan in space car which closely resembles a clapped- out beetle.

S2bD- These space age designs.

They start the car and chug off.

MPS- So where are we going?

OW- The (evil) Lair, Evil St.

S2bD- Quaint, why are we going there?

OW- To defeat the evil Chocula.

MPS- What kind of sandwiches have we brought?

OW- Uraranian Dungbettle

Others- MMMMh

OW- Qupatian poo-pate

Others- AAAAH

OW- and egg and cheese

Others- Gross! You minger!

OW- Quaking Quazars, we're here!

They get out of car and unpack boot

There is a picnic hamper, and two folded up packages, they add water, and out springs R2D2 and C3PO

CP- Oi, R2D2, you're supposed to be moy mate

Falls over

OW- Nullifying NASA! He's drank all our gin, where will we get our unbelievably large amounts of courage from?

C3PO falls on MPS

CP- You is moy best mate! I love y'all

Falls asleep snoring v. loudly.

Drowns out others speaking

OW- So that's all the plotlines covered, let's go and shoot people senselessly

MPS- We didn't get any of that, mate.

OW- Ok, there is one vital thing; it's so exigent to our defeat of the dark side…

Suddenly Yoda's charred head comes flying from the horizon, and knocks OW senseless

OW struggles up

OW- Constipated Craters, I- think- I- can just make it for a couple of seconds

(JJB's charred head flies in from horizon and does, much the same thing

OW s dead

MPS: that's the last sensible character in the movie gone

S2bD- Any ideas what we can do?

MPS- I say we knock out some guards, steal their costumes, then storm in and in a million to one chance we kill everyone using only a turnip on stick.

S2bD- Ok, lets hide, I hear guards coming

(Hide in conveniently placed bushes)

(Guards Pass)

MPS- Now!

S2bD- No, neither of these would fit over these hips

(Squeezes imaginary flap)

MPS- Ok, how about these?

S2bD- White never was my color

(This goes on for quite a while)

R2D (butler voice) (suddenly gains power of speech)

Gentlemen, you are yelling rather loud, if we remain here, we shall be incarcerated

MPS- Did you hear something?

S2bD- Nah

Sudden Alarm- Attention, Attention, two enemy Jedies located in convenient bushes being self- deflecting.

MPS- Run!

Stormtrooper #1- They run like penguins

ST#2- Don't they get a PE course a Jedi College?

ST#3- You cannot over-stress the importance of physical activity.

(All shake heads at the feebility of their enemy's curriculum)

Officer- Run, you fools!

(Irritating turnip flinging ensues)

R2D2- How amazingly elementary that invasion was, I would advise you, my comrades to expect some vile ensnarement from our enemy.

(Runs up stairs)

MPS (panting) - You–can-run-but-you-can't-hide-Count

S2bD- I-hope-he-can't-run-I'm-exhausted-so-many-stairs

(Enter lounge, from stuffed novelty donkey held together with cello tape we immediately realize that this is Count Chocula's room)

MPS- Sofas!

CC-Oof!

S2bD-Oh, sorry, harmless looking old man, we didn't realize we were sitting on you.

CC- Oh, that's quite alright, but can you do me a favour (to MPS) Sonny, and step into that cage, and lock yourself in.

R2D2- It's a trap-NOOOO!

(Gets casually toppled over by CC who sticks foot out daintily)

MPS- You got it old timer!

R2D2 bleeps despairingly

CC- Huzzah, it was a trap, for I am Count Chocula

S2bD-Oh, really, yes, in retrospect, for a harmless old innocent to be napping in Chocula's evil lair was rather suspicious

CC-Come on, join the dark side

S2bD- Yeah, I'd sure like to, are all your decors this tasteful.

CC- Oh yes, and you get an excellent health plan, if you get maimed you get a free cappuccino from the canteen

S2bD- That sounds great, but you see, my wife she has this apprehension about mad slaughtering without purpose and evil doing in general, mind you black never suited her

CC- Trust me, sonny-boy, I can offer you something even better

S2bD- Gee, thanks, but don't swing that way yet

CC- No, No, I mean a lifetime supply of chocolate milk!

S2bD- Tell me more!

(Exeunt)

R2D2- Don't worry master pink sabre, I have a fool proof scheme to get you out of there, you simply unlock yourself and step outside

MPS (to himself)- You are on your own now, Pinky, …yes that might just work

(Lifts up robes to reveal garter with bomb attached, I has a sign saying "Danger, do not use on pain of death" attached to it. He attaches the bomb to the door and puts fingers in his ears, grinning)

R2D2 Sighs melancholically

Scene #6

We see lair explode