Trying hard to speak and
fighting with my weak hand
driven to distraction
so part of the plan
X&Y-Coldplay
Peyton was having a horrible day, she had been piled with homework and Brooke had been extra hard on everyone at cheerleading practice today. She must've really wanted that trophy. On top of that she was avoiding Lucas yet again. After what had happened last night she didn't think she could face him at all. She had seen him giving her glances, while he was running laps, but she ignored it. She just had to ignore it.
"Peyton wait up!" She closed her eyes and hoped that it wasn't Lucas. She just couldn't see him—it would be too embarrassing.
She slowly turned around to see Brooke practically running towards her. Did she forget to mention she was avoiding Brooke, too?
"Brooke…hey." She greeted when Brooke finally reached her.
"P Sawyer! Don't you ever make me run like that in these heels again!" Brooke cried, which made Peyton laugh a little.
"I'm sorry."
Brooke linked Peyton's arm with hers and they started to walk through the parking lot, "You left kind of fast after practice. I'm sorry I was being so hard on you guys, it's just I really don't want to lose to Claire Young again."
I nodded, "I understand."
Brooke frowned at Peyton's lack of conversation. She had only spoken to her best friend once since she came back and it made her feel guilty.
"So is it just me or have you been avoiding me lately?"
This was what she didn't want Brooke to ask. Yes, it was true she was avoiding her—but if she asked her about Lucas she would probably get upset.
"I'm sorry Brooke," She turned to give her a sympathetic expression, "It's just I've been busy—"
"With Tric. I know, I know. I just miss my best friend." Brooke pouted, which made Peyton laugh.
"I miss you, too B Davis." She gave Brooke a side hug as they continued to walk.
"Now was it just me or was Lucas practically gawking at you today at practice?" She gave me a little nudge.
"What?" I laughed nervously.
Brooke smirked as she saw the faint blush on Peyton's face, "Oh c'mon. Like you didn't notice."
"I didn't." She shrugged, hoping that they would reach her car now. She didn't feel comfortable talking to Brooke about Lucas. It felt… wrong.
"Whatever you say." She whispered as they finally reached Peyton's car.
They stopped as Peyton pulled her car door open and turned to Brooke. If she would ever have a chance with Lucas she had to know how Brooke felt about him.
"Do you still have feelings for Lucas?" She asked her best friend abruptly, which caught Brooke totally off guard.
"I guess not…" Peyton let out a sigh of relief.
"Well, I don't know. You know I've been trying to talk to him, but—whenever I get the courage to finally do it something gets in the way. He told me he loved me and I don't even know if he still does." She admitted.
"Do you," She couldn't really bring herself to say it, "Do you love him?"
"I know you told me before I left that he's not the same guy and I'm not the same girl, but— sometimes when I'm with him I feel like I'm becoming that girl again." She whispered. She didn't want to become that girl again, she really didn't. She was independent now and while a part of her liked it that way the other part of her still held onto him.
Peyton didn't know what to say. She had forgotten that she practically gave Brooke her blessing to go for Lucas, but she had been so caught up in her own problems that she didn't know what she was saying.
"So do you? You know… l-love him?" She stuttered over her words, she didn't want to hurt her best friend again. She really didn't, but being with Lucas was just something she felt like she had to do… it was like breathing. She couldn't help but want something more with Lucas. She just couldn't ignore it anymore. She wanted to be able to come to love him, but she didn't know if she could. She wanted things to be right.
She watched as Brooke looked down at the pavement as if she were thinking, before meeting her eyes again. She had that unreadable look in her eyes.
"I don't know." She bit her lip and answered as honestly as she could.
Peyton nodded and got ready to get in her car.
"I've got to get going—Haley's alone at the house and you know how it gets pretty lonely in there." She lied before Brooke could question her actions.
"Okay," Brooke sighed wondering why Peyton was acting so weird, "I'll call you—you know if you want to hang out or something?" Grasping at her last attempts to hold on to their seemingly fading friendship.
She started her car and tried her best to hold her small smile, "Okay."
Brooke smiled in satisfaction as Peyton began to pull off, "See you later."
"Yeah." Her voice barely above a whisper as she drove away. Things were never going to be right.
"Hey Hales." She said as she entered her friend's room, which was formally the guest room.
"Hey." Haley sat up on the bed and watched as Peyton began going through her collection of CDs.
"What are you doing?" She asked bewildered that Peyton was actually looking through her CDs.
She turned away from what she was doing to look at Haley, who had a scrunched expression on her face.
"I'm borrowing a CD." She stated as if it was the dumbest question ever.
"I know that," She paused to throw a pillow at Peyton.
"Hey!" She laughed as she caught the pillow and threw the pillow back at Haley.
"So should I make a list of CDs I'm missing that people borrowed and put them on my door, too?" She joked and earned a small laugh from Peyton.
"Very funny and no you shouldn't. I'll bring it back in an hour or so, I just need something to sketch to." She finally turned around as she leaned on the dresser with a CD in hand.
"I'd never thought I'd see the day," She paused again to laugh, "Peyton Sawyer borrowing one of my CDs." They both started laughing.
"So which one is it? The new Coldplay?"
"No it isn't Coldplay… it's uh…The Best Of—"
"Sheryl Crow?" She asked, the shocked sound distinct in her voice. That was the only Best Of CD she owned and Peyton was the last person she would expect to listen to it.
"Yeah," She laughed slightly, "Why is that so surprising?"
"Because I just didn't think you'd be into her."
"I'm not."
"Then why are you borrowing it?" She arched her brow.
And cornered she was. If she lied Haley would see right through it, but if she didn't say anything she wouldn't be able to tell at all.
"No reason."
"Is this about Lucas?" Haley caught on and once again Peyton was wrong. Haley was just as bad as Lucas—maybe even worse.
"No—this isn't." She took her chances with lying. It was about Lucas; lately all anything had ever been about was Lucas.
"How did it go last night?" She asked hoping that Lucas didn't reject her.
"I didn't tell him." She admitted.
Haley sighed, "So what did you tell him?"
"I went to the River Court and he was there. I knew he'd be there—so we just started talking. It started off shaky and I was going to tell him—I really was, but I couldn't. I realized that if I did then I would be messing up a lot of things." Telling Haley about it all made the two feelings that she hated to feel come together again, disappointment and regret. She was disappointed with herself for not telling Lucas how she felt, for letting herself trust him again, and for letting herself fall. She regretted not doing something for herself for once, giving Brooke her blessing to be with Lucas, she practically regretted everything that had been happening lately. Maybe if she forgot about everything it would be as if none of it had ever happened in the first place, but life was never that easy.
Haley saw the hurt lingering in Peyton's eyes and tried to think of some comforting words. She needed to speak to Lucas herself… to see how he felt about Peyton. She hated being so out of the loop.
"Sometimes you just have to take a chance Peyton. You and I both know that. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself—there's nothing wrong with being a little selfish once and a while."
"Is this about Nathan?" Now it was her turn to question Haley. She wasn't one for seeing through people, but she could see the hurt look in Haley's eyes and that was all she needed to know.
Haley looked down at the ground before looking back up at Peyton and laughin slightly, "Looks like you've been hanging around me a little bit too long."
Peyton laughed at Haley's attempts to lighten the situation. Nathan was a touchy topic for Haley and he always would be and she understood that. She understood it so well because that's how it was with Lucas.
"I went on tour, I followed my dreams, and I had a blast. I wouldn't take any of it back at all. I mentally kick myself everyday knowing that I hurt Nathan so much, but I just had to take that chance. If I didn't go I would've regretted it—I know I would have. Being on tour was like getting everything I've ever dreamed of, knowing that you changed someone's life while you were up on that stage just made everything so much better, you know?" Peyton watched as she saw Haley practically light up when she spoke about the tour… much like how she was when she spoke to her about Nathan. She knew she was torn at the heart—music or Nathan. She chose Nathan, but ended up getting burned and yet she still didn't know how she held herself up everyday. How did Haley live with the regret? That was something she could never learn to do.
"Sounds like you really miss it."
"I do," Haley smiled silently, "But right now my life is here in Tree Hill. The reason I left without an explanation was to do something for myself. Singing was the only thing that I could call mine, you know? Brooke has cheerleading, you have your art, Lucas and Nathan have basketball—everyone had their thing and me, well all I had music. I had to find myself and being on tour just made everything clearer, so I came back home." Haley stopped talking and thought about the decisions she had made, all of the promises she broke, all of the infidelities that she had made.
"I'm glad you came back." Peyton whispered and watched as Haley smiled. Haley was becoming her rock these past days, she could come to her and talk about anything. Ever since she had started avoiding Lucas for the past couple of weeks she needed someone to talk to again.
"I—" Haley stopped talking when she heard the door slam.
"What's wrong?" Peyton noticed the somewhat frightened look on Haley's face.
"I don't think I'll ever get used to that," They both laughed at what Haley was referring to. People coming into Peyton's house without knocking had become the norm for as long as she could remember.
"I'll go downstairs to see who it is." Haley got up from her bed and headed downstairs.
"Luke, hey!" She said happily as she hugged him once she reached the door."Hey Hales," He pulled away from the hug just to look at his best friend; words couldn't express how much he had missed her. He thought he would never see her again.
"So… how's the Sawyer residence treating you?" He watched as she smiled and shrugged.
"Well," She drawled just to figure out what to say, "I like it here. Peyton's been the best and uh, we practically eat take out every night, although there is some old frozen pizza in the fridge that I would love to try out—" She paused as she and Lucas shared a laugh.
"But um all in all, everything's great."
Lucas smiled. He was satisfied with her answer. He didn't mean to be so judgmental, but if there was no room for her at his house staying with Peyton had to be the next best thing.
"Listen, I heard about you and Nathan…" His small smile faded as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, "And I just wanted to say I'm sorry about everything."
"Don't be. It's all for the best right?" She sighed sadly as Lucas did his best to stay happy for her.
"Yeah." He said softly.
Already willing to change the subject Haley turned her head back towards the steps as she heard the sound of music blasting.
"So I'm guessing you're here to see Peyton. Am I right?"
"Right." He said sheepishly as he nodded.
"Is everything okay between you two?" She took the opportunity to get some outlook from Lucas.
"Yeah… everything is fine. We're friends." Haley tried her best not to roll her eyes at Lucas' answer. He obviously didn't know Peyton's feelings or his own for that matter. The tortured artist and tortured athlete, as she liked to call them, were just so naive at times.
"Okay. Well if you want to talk to her she's upstairs in her room." She watched as Lucas headed towards the steps.
"Be careful! She's listening to Sheryl Crow… I just thought I should tell you that." She laughed as Lucas turned to her and gave her a questioning expression.
"My thoughts exactly."
When something is broken
and you try and fix it
trying to repair it
any way you can…
He had walked up the steps slower than usual and he really didn't know why. He stood in her doorway and watched as she sat in her chair and sketched. The First Cut Is The Deepest was currently blasting through her speakers and he tried his best to ignore it. He didn't take Peyton to be much of a Sheryl Crow listener; hell the only person he knew that listened to her was Haley. He stood there and just watched her because he really didn't know what to say at all. He had been giving her looks for the majority of the day at school and at practice, but she just ignored him. After they talked last night he walked her back to her house and now that he thought about it she was quiet… almost too quiet. Had he done or said something wrong? He could never tell with her. Every time they had become closer he would say or do something that would upset and that was something he needed help with.
He figured he shouldn't stand in her doorway for so long—it probably made him look like some deranged, obsessed stalker. He finally mustered up the courage to knock lightly on her door when she looked up at him instead.
"Lucas." She whispered softly as she put her sketchbook aside and grabbed the remote to turn off her stereo.
"I was going to knock, but then you looked up and—" He started to ramble but luckily Peyton cut him off.
"It's all right. Really." She assured him and he nodded.
"You can come in… if you want."
Again, he nodded as he walked into her room and sat down at the edge of the bed, and Peyton followed.
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" He felt himself smile at her question.
"I just came by to see you…and to check up on Haley." He added the last part so she wouldn't think too much of his visit as he did.
"Oh," She said softly as she turned to look at him, "Look, I'm sorry about today. I just had a lot of things on my mind, you know?" She figured it was best if she just played it cool with Lucas, as if she didn't have feelings for him so it would be easier to forget about them. They could stay just friends… she was sure of it.
He looked at her, "Yeah, I kinda figured that."
"Okay. So now that that's all cleared up. What's the real reason behind your visit?" She asked. She could feel the smirk playing on her lips.
"Okay, okay you caught me," He threw his hands up in the air, which earned him a laugh from Peyton, "I just came to see if you wanted to hang out… you know like we used to." His voice softened on his last words. She looked down at her comforter to avoid the longing look in his eyes. She missed hanging out with him, too, but she was afraid that it would make things too complicated.
"Lucas, it isn't summer anymore. We can't just hang out and go places like it was nothing. We were alone in Tree Hill—we had nothing to worry about and now—now we do."
He just didn't understand her sometimes. Her eyes would tell him one thing, but then the minute she opened up her mouth her words would tell him something completely different. Their friendship was breaking and he was trying to fix it. He wanted desperately to fix it. He didn't care what he had to do; he just wanted her to let him in again.
"Like what?" She looked up at him and shrugged as she tried to think of an answer to his question. Nothing logical came to mind and that was because the only thing that was holding them back was she herself.
"Like school, work, homework…" She trailed off as nothing came to mind. He arched his brow as if he was expecting her to say more, to come up with better reasons, but she had nothing.
"Is that it?" A playful smirk played on his lips.
"Lucas Scott, do not give me that look." She tried to be stern as he got that look on his face whenever he was going to start laughing and laugh he did.
"Lucas!" She shrieked not appreciating that he was laughing at her.
"What?" He laughed some more, until she hit him on his shoulder.
"Oww! That could've hurt." He said in mock anger referring to his shoulder that he had hurt a while ago.
"Oh get over it. That was more than a year ago." She rolled her eyes.
"Well now that you've hit it, it feels like it happened just yesterday." He rubbed his shoulder.
"If you didn't laugh at me maybe you wouldn't feel that way." She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed.
"I couldn't help it. You sounded and acted like my mom." He defended himself and she laughed.
"Did not." She argued.
"Did to." He retorted.
She rolled her eyes knowing she wasn't winning this one. She was too tired to let this argument last.
"I'm not gonna argue with you, Lucas." She said simply.
"So what's up with the music you were listening to before I came him?"
"I just needed something to sketch to." She was lying, well atleast not fully. She did need something to sketch to, but it didn't have to be Sheryl Crow.
"Yeah right," He paused to lie down on her bed, "You have plenty other records to listen to."
Peyton turned to look at him as he made himself comfortable on her bed; they hadn't done that in a while.
"What are you doing?"
"Lying down. I'm tired, c'mon." He patted the remaining side of the bed inviting her to lie down next to him.
She looked at him with uncertainty before sighing and lying down next to him.
"We haven't done this in a while." She said softly as she turned to look at him.
"Yeah." He agreed as he met her eyes.
"So this is hanging out?" She asked, wondering if things would ever go back to normal again.
"Your eyes… they're green. I've never noticed that before." He said softly. There was something about their closeness and the way the sunlight hit her that made her glow. She was beautiful.
Peyton avoided his eyes and looked down at her comforter shyly, "They aren't—well they are… they just usually change colors." She stuttered her way through her sentence. Over the summer he would say random things like that and she would just ignore it, but now things were different.
She didn't understand him at times. In some ways he challenged her in ways no one ever could and in others he just frustrated her… he puzzled her. He would always do this to her. She would say something simple and he would respond with something so complicated, something that made her skin tingle, and her heart weak. He would always do that to her and she had missed that. The months they had spent apart was for their own good at first, but spending so much time with him over the summer made her wonder how they became so separate, so lost? She could never do that again, she didn't want to, but she was afraid she would have to.
She finally met his eyes again and he just smiled at her. She smiled back at him and went back to staring up at the ceiling in the silence. It was the simple things they would do that made her appreciate him being there. She missed him… she missed them hanging out together. When did everything get so complicated? It all got complicated when she realized it was too important to stay the way it's been, but what if she was wrong?
I dive in at the deep end
you become my best friend…
She was finally going to do it. It was almost eleven and she knew it was probably too late, but she wasn't going to wait. She just couldn't. She was going to tell him, finally. The afternoon they spent in her room made everything clearer. She was ready to pour her heart at to him; she was ready to let him in completely. Haley was right, sometimes you just had to do something for yourself.
She held a mix tape firmly in her hand and she walked. If she were going to back out because of some reason, she would give him this instead. She knew she was probably pushing herself in too deep, they had just rekindled their friendship and there she was ready to have something more. Maybe this was a bad idea… the walk to his house was long and cold. She wished she would've brung her sweater or something. She wanted to get everything over with and yet she wanted things to go slow. She was so lost and confused and telling Lucas how she felt seemed to be the only thing clear right now.
"You wanted to talk?" He shoved his hands in his pockets as he stood in the doorway.
"To pick up where we left earlier, yes." Brooke placed her hand on her hip right before sitting down on her bed.
"What about?" He asked never leaving from where he stood. He wasn't ready to have this conversation, but yet he wanted to get it over with.
"About us." She locked eyes with him and he nodded. They both stood in an uncomfortable silence both of them wondering which one of them should speak first. They were both gathering their feelings together, both unsure of what the other wanted.
"Lucas I've had a lot of time to think about this and yet I still don't know what I want. A part of me is ready to move on and the other," She paused to meet his eyes, "The other still thinks that I need you."
Lucas looked down at the floor deciding whether to speak or to let her finish. He looked into her eyes, those brown pools of regret. Unlike with Peyton, he could never read her eyes. As strange as it sounded, Brooke was always so guarded lately. He couldn't tell what she was thinking… there was no connection. There never was.
"Aren't you going to say something?" Tears began to fill her eyes as Lucas finally moved from the doorway, closed the door, and went to sit next to her on the bed.
I want to love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it…
"I… Brooke, this summer was just like a reminder of the person I was. The person that I need to be and you know I've made a lot of mistakes this past year and I'm trying to fix them. With everyone so close to me gone, I got a chance to rediscover who I am—"
"You and Peyton… you spent the whole summer together." He closed his eyes and listened to the sadness in her voice, a sadness that he caused.
"We did… and we're friends again. It took some time, but none of that matters anymore. I'm trying to right what I did wrong. All of those mistakes—"
"Before I left… you told me—" She cut him off again as she tried desperately to fight back tears, "You told me you loved me."
Among Lucas' many regrets it was that very one that he wished he could take back immediately. He didn't think before he spoke, that was his problem.
"Brooke—"
"And now you don't mean it." Her voice full of emotion as she looked down at the floor and wiped under her eyes.
Lucas shook his head sadly and tried his best to comfort her.
"I'm sorry." He said softly as he placed a hand on her shoulder. This was all eating him up alive… he just had to come to terms that he couldn't fix everything.
"It's okay," She finally looked up at him and gave him a weak smile, "I understand… I'm pretty sure I'm over you anyway."
"Brooke." He brung her into a hug, maybe months ago hearing that she probably wanted a chance with him would've made him happy, but now there was someone else. Well she wasn't really someone else… she was the one he had really wanted for so long. The one that let him in and pushed him away all in the same instant. Peyton, she was the one.
"I guess I was just holding on for too long." She laughed a little as she held onto him. He smiled a little, hoping that the lightness after their conversation would mean that they were still able to remain friends.
Peyton was ready… she was going to do this now. She took a deep breath and turned the knob to the door that led into Brooke's room… formally Lucas'. She was surprised that it was open.
Trying to repair it any way I can
"Lucas, I—" She paused as she saw the sight in front of her. They were hugging and they both looked happy. How could she be so stupid? How could she believe that she actually had a chance with him? In that instant the mix tape that he had been gripping so tightly dropped to the ground as she brung her hand to her mouth.
Lucas and Brooke immediately broke out of their comfort hug and turned to see a clearly emotional Peyton standing in the doorway, the mix tape still intact on the ground.
"I'm sorry, I interrupted—" She paused trying to hold herself together as she looked at Brooke then back at Lucas again.
"Peyton—" Lucas whispered, desperation and need in his voice as he saw the pain in her eyes.
"I'll just go… I'm sorry." Without another word Peyton ran back home… she was too late. He didn't wait for her; she had been wrong, so terribly wrong.
X&Y… usually seems like a somewhat happy song, with the "you and me are floating on a tidal wave… together," but the beginning seemed more depressing, so I just went for it. Tragic huh? Every story has its drama, right? I'm sorry you guys, but it'll get better… hopefully. So Peyton misinterpreted what was going on between Brooke and Lucas, atleast you all know how Lucas feels now. It's all just a matter of time, right? Lucas is just going to have to work harder than ever to get Peyton to let him in again, or will tragedy bring them together? Thank you guys for the lovely reviews, I'm glad you all liked it! Next up is… What If.