Planning
"Okay, the wedding dress is…"
"Green. Jade green."
"Okay."
"It brings out your eyes," Brian added.
Jessica smiled.
"Hey Homer! Do you guys have anything other than Duff?"
"Nope. Duff's 'Nuff! Can't get enough of that sweet, sweet Duff!"
"Stop rattling off those marketing slogans! What were you looking for, dear?" Marge asked Brian.
"Oh, you know, Guiness, Harper…never mind. I have my flask of potein." He took out a silver flask and had swig of the harsh potato liqueur. "Ack!" He started rolling on the floor, flailing and rolling like a dieing cockroach.
"Maybe you should cut that, with water or ice…or vodka even." Jessica suggested.
"Ah! Ack! Cough ! Good…I…dea. Blech!"
"Oh don't be such a baby!" Bart growled. "Gimmethat!" He took a swig. "See, no…" he started. He fell over, unconscious.
"I've never been more ashamed, and that's saying something. Here, let me show ya how to drink!" said Homer to his comatose son. He took several gulps. "Now who—oops." He went out like a light.
Marge sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'll get the smelling salts and the brandy." She left the room with a vaguely displeased murmur.
"I'm so excited!" Lisa said.
"Which caterer are you using?" Eric asked, his distinct, raspy voice snagging their attention.
"I got Luigi to provide a pretty good spread. Chicken, seafood, pasta, salad, spumoni, the whole shmeal. And all for no charge."
"Wow, how'd you manage that?" Maggie asked.
"My old friend Fat Tony helped me."
Several Weeks Earlier
Fat Tony was on the pier with Legs and Louie, who are holding Luigi over the water by his legs.
"So it is agreed? You shall provide the caterin' for my friend's wedding at no cost whatsoever, and cover the cleanup as well?"
"Yes! A-Yes-a. I do it a-pro bono! Now a-please-a. I-a start-a to lose-a consciousness!"
Back at the kitchen.
Homer, Bart, and Brianwere conscious once more.
"Now, the reception will be in the Irish Legion Hall right across from St. Andrew's."
"Hrmmmm…seems a little bit of a stretch for us…I mean, not being Catholic, well, sorta," Marge said, looking from Bart to Homer to Jessica. Bart, she had long ago discovered, had re-converted, while Homer's conversion had somehow slipped past her. Jessica. She became agnostic in high school, and had remained so for years, eventually becoming completely atheist. Only the events of the previous Autumn were able to force her to accept the existence of God, as she had seen with her own eyes the proof of the existence of the Devil. And with Catholic priests and laity having the upper hand in such supernatural encounters, she became Catholic as it was the only thing that made sense. Plus, Marge thought, she probably thought how much it would have angered her father.
"I don't know. I mean, we aren't Irish!"
"Marge, its not exclusively for the Irish. It was just built by and for them-originally. Now its an all-purpose meeting place. We went to the food fair there! Plus, as by-proxy parishioners, its free! Free I tells ya!"
"Well, I guess. I can't argue with 'free', especially with all the floor space.
"Are aunts Patty and Selma coming?" Eric asked. Though few could really love the 'gruesome twosome', and fewer were able to show it, Eric came closest. His aunts loved him, as he was the still the 'baby' of the family and the Simpsons child who exhibited the most of his mother and the least of his father.
"Well, Aunt Patty and Uncle Artie, maybe. Patty, well, I don't know," Bart said.
"Brian, did you apologize to her yet?" Jessica asked.
"Even if I did, I doubt she'd accept my apology. No, and I don't plan to."
"What happened? What'd he say?" Marge asked.
"Oh, nothing. I just, you know, come on to strong, and state my beliefs with little provocation and even less concern for the feelings or opinions of those to whom I'm speaking."
Lisa chuckled nervously. "Yeah. That's our Brian."
"What did you say?"
"I was discussing the matter of gay marriage, and your sister got mad at me for what I was saying, and I was very cordial about it all, engaging her as diplomatically and politely as I could. She told me that she was a lesbian, and asked if I believed she was thus damned to hell, to which I replied 'No'. Then I told her that I pitied her and that I would pray for her. She got rather aggressive and called me a few nasty names, and I offered her a pamphlet for a psychologist whose speciality is sexual identity and the rehabilitation of homosexuals and other deviants, and she hauled off and hit me. Then her sister poured her drink on my head, and burned me with her fag. It hurt like hell. But I was most upset by her not seeing the need for any help."
"Heh-heh. Like she could get a man if she wanted to!"
"Homer! Brian, I know your beliefs, and really, I was shocked too when she came out, but you can't change the way God made her!"
"God makes no one inclined to evil. Homosexuality is not a natural state; that is merely what homosexuals and social reconstructionists say-respectively, to validate their pursuit of perverse and self-destructive behaviours and to further their goal of a hedonistic, secular-humanist culture. Homosexuality is routed in emotional/psychic trauma, sexual confusion, and misconceptions of healthy gender identity."
"I-!"
"Let me finish, Mrs. Simpson! From what I hear, your family was not entirely functional. Your mother was domineering, moody, and puritanical; your father was weak-willed, effeminate, and worked as a male airline steward. The two argued constantly, when they weren't pretending the other didn't exist. Later, when you and your sisters were in their teens and they were still dealing with the shock of you dumping debate team captain and valedictorian Artie Ziff and going instead with a fat, smelly, unintelligent, futureless-"
"Hey!"
"The truth hurts, Dad."
"I'll hurt you!"
"-2.5 GPA Homer, your father was killed by a giant ape. This was the final nail sealing the casket of Patty's view of men. Already, she saw men as weak and whiny. Already, she had gone through high school, rejected by most of the other girls because of their looks and smell of tabacco, with low grades, lower expectations in life, and a very negative view of life. As an identical twin, she had bonded with Selma since birth. As the older and more proactive twin, she found it her duty to protect her sister. All her high school life she had to defend Selma from boys who thought they could get her because she was ugly and unpopular, thus, 'easy'. She saw you, one of the best examples of a "normal" heterosexual woman she's ever known, choose a man she saw as absolutely repugnant over a man with what she and her sister saw as better looks and better potential. She saw you become pregnant by that same man, out of wedlock, and seemingly become locked in a state of squalor and destruction by him. She saw her sister rejected and abused by men, while she was overlooked completely. Naturally, she decided to become a lesbian."
Marge was shocked and silent. Everyone, Eric, Lisa, Maggie, Jessica, Homer, Bart (who was still being strangled by Homer), stared at Brian, who stood there breathless and red faced.
"I'm sorry."
Silence.
"I see you've spent some time analysing the matter…" Marge said eventually.
"Actually, it was all extemporaneous. I'm sorry. I've insulted you, your husband, and your family. I have violated your friendship and sacred hospitality. I will leave. I will understand if you never want to see me in your house again. Bart, Jessica, I hope you have a good wedding and a happy life together. If you want your aunt Patty to show, please call her and tell her she needn't worry about confronting me." He left the room. They heard the door shut.
Lisa looked around, as if snapping out of a daze, and ran out after him. She heard the clip-clop of his horse's hooves upon the pavement. She ran out of the house, leaving the door open.
"Wait!"
Brian slowed his horse and turned. He tugged at the reins and turned the horse about, and then walked it back.
"I'm sorry Lisa. I should have never spoken."
"Brian, please. You're being melodramatic."
He smiled nervously, then dismounted.
"But I must say, you were pretty rude and confrontational."
"Blunt, acushla mea, I'm candid and blunt."
"I still think you should come back in and apologize, and apologize to Aunt Patty too."
"Yes…I think that I should." he said frowning. He took the horse by the reins and Lisa lead them into the back yard. He unharnessed the horse and removed the saddle, and led it run about. He went with Lisa back into the kitchen through the back door.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson."
"Its alright Brian. I… its just that-"
"No, I behaved horribly. I was inflammatory, impolite, and divisive. I caused unneeded division, and that which causes division and strife is of the Devil. God wants to unify his people in love and understanding; Satan wants man divided by anger, fear, and hatred. I apologize for anything my heartless, proud, and possibly faulty analysis of your family's dynamics and your sister's sexual psychology may have caused. I did not intend to attack your love for Homer, a good an decent man, or your rejection of Artie, or your feelings for your family. All you have done happened and could not have happened any other way. Providence has been kind to you, bringing you and Homer together, blessing you with four wonderful, intell-…wonderful children, one of whom is now engaged to marry a beautiful, talented woman. This should be a happy time, a time for joy and unity. I meant not to destroy and divide. I apologize once more, and, if I may borrow someone's car, I will go straight to Ms. Bouvier's and apologize in person. Bart, can I borrow the roadster?"
Bart tossed him the keys.
"Fill it up while you're. Premium."
"Right-o. Lisa, are you coming along?"
"Oh? Alright."
The Bouvier Twins' Apartment…"Ms. Bouvier, I am terribly sorry. I was rude, insensitive, and thoughtless. I did not mean to offend you or to judge you for the choices you have made as a mature and independent adult."
"Well, that'd mean a lot to mean, but I ain't Ms. Bouvier. I'm Mrs. Terwilliger Hutz McClure Disco Stu-aw, screw it, I'm Selma Ziff. Patty's inside."
"May I please see her? I need to speak with her."
"Fine. She's watching 'The L-Word'."
Brian shuddered visibly. Selma opened the door and he walked in. Lisa stopped and said, "Thanks a bunch Aunt Selma."
"Ehh."
Brian found Patty on the couch.
"You! What'er you doint here?"
"Patty, he's here to apologize."
"Yes, Ms. Bouvier, to repeat what I said ten seconds ago, I am terribly sorry. I was rude, insensitive, and thoughtless. I did not mean to offend you or to judge you for the choices you made as a mature and independent adult."
"Well…meh. I accept, I guess."
"Thank you, Ms. Bouvier. As one who would be part of your family, it means very much to Lisa and I that there be no hostility or sour grapes among us."
"Huh?"
"What's this?"
"Well, it, you know, isn't official or anything, but Brian and I have really been thinking about…"
Patty opened her mouth and slapped her cheek. Selma dropped her cigarette.
"Oh…my…God…!"
"Oh Lisa! This is wonderful!"
"Well, we aren't really even engaged, but we're engaged to be engaged."
"I've been looking for good rings, thinking up ways to propose, where to ask her, talking about her ideal wedding, that sorta stuff."
"Oh, isn't that sweet."
"But don't tell anyone, its supposed to be secret."
"We want to announce it after the excitement from Bart and Jessica's wedding dies down."
"Well, let me be the first to congratulate you two."
"And let me have the honour of being second. Brian, I accept your apology. It takes courage to admit you're wrong."
"Oh, I never said that," he answered, but quickly and deliberately quiet.
"Huh?" she grunted.
"He said he's very happy that you forgave him and hopes to see you at the wedding next week."
"Urk!" he grunted as she squeezed his hand and stepped on his toes.
"Well, haha, must be going. Bye, love you!" she rambled as she drug Brian out of the room, slamming the door behind them.