I was trying to remember how to breathe when she dropped the v-bomb on me.
A virgin? Really?
Not for long, baby!Kidding.
That really was my first thought, but sadly not my last.
I'll confess, I'd never even really thought about it. I had always just assumed that she and Jagged, or maybe even she and Zekk, had at least experimented.
But I must admit, I was thrilled to hear that she hadn't and stoked about what was about to happen—until I felt a tiny hint of fear escape from her, and it dawned on me.
As much as I adored this woman, she didn't belong to me…(yet).
This was the last thing in the worlds I wanted to rush through. I wanted to make it memorable and awesome for her, and as great as she felt underneath me, I knew that right now on this tiny-ass bed probably wasn't the proper time or place.
Then the names JAGGED FEL and HAN SOLO hit me like a wave of cold water. (And I'll admit that the latter was a LOT more influential in my decision than the former.)
As more of my brain began to function, I wondered if I could ever make eye contact with Han again after going through with this, and I also thought about how I'd feel if Jaina was my girl and she confessed to me that she'd slipped in a weak moment and banged Colonel Fel.
The thought of that made me want to blow things up and kill people.
All of these thoughts occurred to me in approximately 7.5 seconds. And when they were complete, I cursed in my head, knowing what I needed to do, but still hating it intensely.
I lingered in the moment for as long as I could, feeling that she didn't want me to move either. But I finally eased out of the kiss and collapsed, resting my head on her chest until our breathing steadied. Her fingers tousled my hair as our heart rates decreased.
A moment later, I opened my eyes and caught sight of my shirt on the floor.
What a horribly mean and sexy thing for her to do!
A disappointed growl rumbled in my throat, but my frustration dissipated quickly when the sweet revelation of my current position and the events of the past ten minutes swept over me again. This was heaven. I suddenly couldn't think of anything worse than having to get off of her. I planned on putting it off for as long as possible.
Fortunately, there wasn't any space on the bed to roll onto, so I caught my breath and pushed myself up to look at her. Her eyes were bright now, her face was flushed pink, and she had the sexiest bedhead I've ever seen.
I moaned in fervid frustration.
"That was cruel, Goddess. Your timing is really horrendous."
"I'm sorry, really I am."
She was still breathing hard, but she smiled sheepishly at me and wiped beads of sweat from my forehead with her hand.
I was forced to pull up Han Solo's face in my head to keep me from losing my mind right then and there. But even in the midst of my raging disappointment, I couldn't believe the perfection of that moment. She kept running her fingers through my hair and I hovered over her lips for a moment before conquering them again in a slow and highly flammable kiss.
When I finally released her, she sighed and bit her lip, embarrassed. I smiled at her, and gently brushed my thumb across her cheek.
"Did you know?" she asked.
"I didn't, actually."
She blushed and dropped my gaze.
"But it's okay, really. I didn't pull up because you're a virgin," I explained, a grin playing at my lips. "You're clearly not too concerned about that, or you wouldn't have taken my shirt." She pushed my face away with her hand, chewing her lip again to conceal a grin.
I pulled her hand from my face and kissed her palm, my eyes never leaving her. "Your lack of experience is not the issue—" I continued, growing serious. "Your boyfriend is the issue."
Her faced paled at the mention of Jag and she immediately covered her face with her hands. I pulled her hands from her eyes and forced her to look at me. Suddenly, I felt her mind explode with conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I tried to shield myself from any of her revelations that remotely resembled regret. I had too much hope to deal with that right now.
Simply knowing that she had wanted me at all made me feel like I could take on half the worlds by myself. But I knew that my next move was crucial. The past few minutes had been sublime, but I could still blow it if I wasn't careful. After all, we had just trespassed onto dangerous ground. We could rationalize all day, but there was no glazing over the fact that Jaina was outright cheating on her boyfriend—with me! (I suppressed a broad grin at this thought.) No doubt, we had gone about this the wrong way…
But the 'damage' was done. She'd given me new hope.
I had a brand new picture in my head of the two of us together at the end of the road—and in that moment, I realized that I was willing to go through whatever hell and heartache it took to get us to that end. Jaina had stoked my confidence, and I now had every intention of navigating this minefield by her side and emerging safely with her hand in mine—but right now, we were far from stable.
I had to calm down. I had to be ice cold. Difficult, since her body against mine still had me burning like a rabid supernova.
Still, I had to try.
I inhaled deeply, clearing my head and trying to smother the eager bravado rising in my chest. It was going to take time to make this right. Everything was not okay yet, and everything was not going to get okay by me just proving to her that I was the greatest lover she'd ever have…
Man, I really wanted to though...
But I also wanted to protect her. I wanted her to feel all that same passion for me. But to do that, I needed to convince her to let go of Jagged Fel and trust me with her heart.
I'd never felt more inadequate.
"Goddess—listen," I paused, locking her eyes to mine and trying to sober up. It was really difficult; her skin was so soft to the touch, and her sensuality provoked my carnality in a way I never dreamed was possible.
But I continued slowly, gently stroking her face with my thumb. We'll start with the obvious…
"I think I've made it very clear on several levels, but in case there's any doubt in your mind, I-- want you… very, very badly…" I swallowed hard, and she favored me with a small smile. "
"But," I continued. "I don't just want you right here, right now, on this bed..."
Her eyes pushed me to continue. I quickly tossed some words around in the back of my mind (and hoped she didn't see them), but I had a mild heart attack when I imagined saying them aloud.
She eyed me warily. "What are you saying then?"
I sighed, stumbling over my words like an idiot.
"I'm saying that-- I want… all of you. All the time. I wanna be with you, Jaina… I have for a long time." Her gaze burned into mine as I continued.
"I don't just want to—use you. I want the responsibility of being your man. I want you to trust me, and I want to protect you. But more than anything-- I want you to want to be with me-- not with Jag, or anybody else. I mean, you and I obviously have some kind of incredible, inescapable connection—and I'm tired of just being a distraction to you."
She sighed and closed her eyes for a long moment. "I know, I never meant for it to be like that… I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
She opened her eyes again and I continued.
"All I'm saying is that-- you don't really know who I am… and I'm asking for a chance to change that. Just-- let me show you what I'm really about, and then if it's not what you want—fine. I'll let it go. But I can't let it go-- until you can look in my eyes and tell me that I am not what you want."
She was quiet for a minute, mulling over my words. She was quiet for so long that I again remembered that I was on top of her and upon revelation, had to stop myself from grinning like a fool.
"So… I'm not going to move until you agree to my terms." I concluded.
"Kyp, this is sort of important, I need time to think about everything."
"Well, we don't ship out for another couple of hours… and I'm—pretty comfortable, truth be told."
The corners of her mouth turned up. My desire for her flared again and I scooted up to tickle her jawline with my lips. She resisted for about five seconds before sliding down to meet my lips, creating a friction between us that singed my ever-weakening will to behave admirably. We shared another smoldering kiss and when it was over, her hands didn't leave my face. She sighed and her brandy gaze burned into mine.
"I know we can't keep avoiding this, Kyp… In fact, I'll even go as far as admitting that some part of me has always longed to give this a shot—it's just—Jagged. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve this. I'm so afraid to hurt him, but—it's more wrong for me to stay with him than it is for me to leave."
I held her gaze, refusing to drop it until she said what I felt she was thinking.
"You've never been wishy-washy, Solo. If you already know what you want then tell me and we'll figure out what to do. Just tell me the truth—good, bad or ugly."
In response, she suddenly pulled my face down to meet hers again and shifted her frame against mine in a way that made my entire lower body ache.
"I-- want you, Kyp…"
You could have shot me then, and I swear, the laser would have bounced right off my chest.
"Could you please, please say that out loud?" I mumbled, as my lips wandered from her neck to up her earlobe.
She chuckled, amused, and demanded another taste of my lips before answering my request. "I want you," she finally repeated, rubbing her thumb over the stubble on my chin. "Even though your beard keeps stabbing me in the face."
"I would go shave right now—" I answered quickly. "But that would require me to move."
Her smile slowly faded. "It's probably better that you keep it as a deterrent anyway." She met my eyes, very unsettled. "I just—I don't know what to do right now, Kyp. I don't want you to move either, but-- stang, I'm really a horrible person. How in the worlds am I going to explain this to him?"
"You are not horrible." I sighed. "Now, if we had sex right now, then you'd be horrible."
She gaped at me and shoved my face away from hers again.
"Ow! That's not what I meant at all. Force, you're so vaping abusive!"
"Something for you to look forward to then, freak!"
My jaw dropped. She smirked at me, enjoying my reaction. Shaking my head and gripping the pillow beside her, I dropped her gaze, and chuckled again in frustration.
"You are askin' for it, Solo."
"Asking for what?" she answered sweetly.
"For--"
Stangit, is there anything I hate more than being responsible? No, no I don't think so.
I suppressed a growl. "For… a longer, more excruciating tale to explain to your boyfriend."
She shared my agony and blinked her eyes for a long moment again. When she opened them, she rubbed her thumb across my brow and her fingers down the side of my face.
"Then you're gonna have to get off of me… because my better judgment and internal filter are totally impaired as long as you're—there."
I would rather have cut off my own hand than comply with her request. But I knew she was right.
I closed my eyes briefly in acknowledgement. Then I took a deep breath and pushed myself up. She slid from underneath me and scooted closer to the wall so I could sit beside her. I tried to roll off of her, but nearly fell off the edge of the mattress in the process.
Damn tiny-ass bed.
But she giggled, so it was worth it.
Side by side, we leaned against the wall, our feet dangling over the edge of the bed. I even called my thin tunic to my hand and reluctantly pulled it over my head. Then I turned to face her.
"Is this better?"
"No…" she said sadly. "But it'll have to do."
"I really am sorry about this, Kyp."
"Hey, it's okay," I slipped my fingers through hers, as it just felt like the right thing to do. I felt a shiver rush through my body as she curled her fingers around my hand. "I'd like a little more space for us to work with the first time around anyway." I continued.
She smiled briefly, but still looked ashamed.
I squeezed her hand and then kissed it. "Besides if it makes you feel any better, I hadn't exactly planned for this encounter… and if you're not on any birth control… we could've had another serious issue on our hands."
She snorted and a smile grazed her lips. "Wow, I barely even thought about that. That's all I need to do is follow in mom & Mara's footsteps and get pregnant in the middle of a war."
"Not to mention, your father would probably see to it that I never knocked anyone up ever again."
She laughed finally, knowing I was right. Then she shook her head softly.
"Force… I can't even believe I'm talking about any of this with you." She said, running her fingers through her hair. She cocked her head and looked up at me.
"What are we doing, Kyp?"
Our famous question. At least I could answer honestly now. I swiveled to face her, took her other hand and kissed it lightly.
"Well, at the moment, we're just talking—and while I find your conversation scintillating, this is considerably less fun than our previous activities—" I leaned in until our noses were touching. "So I vote we go back to that."
She smiled, and I claimed her lips again, briefly.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." she answered quietly.
"I'm not either," I admitted. "But honestly-- there's nothing we can do about this right now. Jag's not here-- and we've got a little over an hour before we've both gotta head back into deep space. And these days, you never know what's gonna happen up there. All we have together is right now. And we're not promised anything else. So, we don't have to do anything crazy—but I say we take the rest of this morning and enjoy it while we can."
Considering my words, she lowered her gaze to glance at my thumb grazing over her fingers. A moment later, she looked up at me again and slowly, her worried face softened into a small smile...
...and something inside of me snapped.
A wave of adrenaline washed over me as I realized something incredibly wild and frightening;
Jaina Solo had become my gravity. Without her, I was lost. And with her, I was falling faster every minute.
Gulp.
She deserved to know—but I wasn't brave enough to tell her. Not yet. I forced a growing pile of terrifying thoughts into a dark corner of my mind to be dealt with at a later time. An fortunately, Jaina spoke up before I could say anything ridiculous.
"Okay," she answered. "But let's keep it simple, Captain."
Satisfied, I laid back down on our tiny bed and pulled the sheet over us as she snuggled into my embrace. The rain clattered about softly on the roof and the rhythm of our breathing fell quickly in stride. It was amazing. She was amazing.
We made out a little and cuddled a lot for the next hour. It had been awhile since I'd just made out with anyone. And it was sweet torture, really-- but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
An hour or so later, I called my chrono to my hand from the desk. It was 0800; we were meeting the Dozen in 15 minutes. I turned my face back to hers. She was dozing lightly and the tip of her nose was tinted pink from my three-day stubble. I made a mental note to shave before our next encounter. The mere possibility that there could be another one was enough to keep me giddy for days.
I traced her jawline with my fingertip and she stirred and softly sighed with… pleasure?
Wow.
This girl—excuse me, woman—was truly breathtaking. I tilted her chin up and she opened her eyes.
"It's 0800." I whispered.
She closed her eyes again, stuck out her bottom lip a little, and made this sexy little whimpering noise.
Force, what a minx. And she didn't even try!
I slipped my hand onto her stomach and kissed her forehead lightly. She smiled… and I melted. Finally, she opened her eyes, and met mine.
"We've got a long day ahead of us, Goddess." I began, suddenly becoming serious. "But no matter what happens today, this is not over. You hear me? As long as we're alive at the end of these 24 hours, this is NOT over."
-Jaina Solo-
He was right. It was far from over…