Working On A New Album

"Yeah, an' we'll have it sorta'…sorta' bouncy like that."

"Right, somewhat like 'Hit the Road, Jack'."

"Yeah. Okay, once from the top!"

They played the song again. Lisa tried to keep her saxophone in the right range while listening to Brian play. 'Bouncy'…that was the kind of playing he enjoyed the most. It was the part of jazz and blues that appealed the most to him. He loathed what he called 'elevator music', or worse, 'Starbucks crap music'. But a fast, funky track, with a good beat and humour in its lyrics…that he could handle. His style on the piano reminded Lisa of the late Ray Charles.

"Okay, that's a wrap!" the recording technicians called.

"Okay guys, break for lunch! When we come back, we'll finish the next three tracks!" Lisa called.

"How was that?" Brian asked.

"Good!"

"I kept screwin' up the first few times. Too classical."

"More 'soap opera' like, I thought."

"Oh, gee, thanks."

"Well, you want me to be honest with you, don't you?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, you're right."

"Want to get lunch?"

"Sure. The Bagel Shop?"

"Okay."

At the Bagel Shop…

Lisa ate her salad quietly. Brian munched contentedly on his tuna salad on a bagel.

"Something wrong, Lis'?"

"Brian…we need to talk."

Brian dropped his sandwich. He stared at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

"Its about…us. I love you, but…I don't know if we can work out."

Brian swallowed. He began to hypervenilate.

"What…do you mean?"

"I mean, we just aren't compatible. You adamantly defend the right to eat meat, but I say meat if murder, even tuna."

"But, not to interrupt your explaining why we can't work, you lived with, and continue to love and eat with your family, even though they are bigger carnivores than I!"

"But, I am part of them, and they are part of me. They're family, and I can't change that. But you…I don't know if I can marry someone, live with someone, who eats animals on a regular basis."

Brian brought his hand down his face and took a deep hissing breath. It was what he often did in an argument, when he felt that he was at risk of losing.

"I've given you my reasons for continuing to eat meat many times. But you've never really listened, Lisa."

"Because they aren't good enough!"

"Listen, and evaluate all data. First of all, protein. People need protein for brain and muscle function. While dairy products, beans, and soy can easily provide protein, many are allergic to dairy and/or soy. Secondly, it is natural. In the wild, carnivores, omnivores, and scavengers survive on meat. As omnivores, we homo sapiens can, and, by both our evolutionary history and physiology, should eat meat."

Lisa was growing aggravated.

"Hear what I say, don't just listen! How can you know the truth if you won't give it a chance! Thirdly, the meat industry. Ranchers. Land owners. The people who care for the animals. The people who supply food for the animals. The people who pack and transport the animals. The owners and operators of the slaughterhouse. The packers. The butchers. The grocers. The restaurant owners, operators and employees. Think. Those are tens, hundreds of thousands of people, not counting all their dependents and those who profit from the money they spend and the products they buy. Think, if meat was no longer eaten, all these people would lose jobs. Expensive slaughter houses would be useless."

Lisa had become extremely agitated by the word 'slaughterhouse'.

"Please. Fourth, the animals themselves. Nearly all meat animals are domesticated, selectively bred creatures. They have no physical or instinctual strengths that would help them survive in the wild. Many, if not slaughtered at a certain age, continue to grow until their weight causes their bones to break, and they die of starvation or predation. Finally, modern slaughtering methods are much more humane than those shown in that old inforeel they showed you in grade school. The animals are rendered unconscious instantly by an electrical shock to the head. They feel little pain, for a very short amount of time. Their jugular vein and corotid artery are then severed. Their blood pressure, combined with the gravity of hanging upside-down, causes them to die very quickly."

Lisa had had enough. She stood up and left. Brian tried to follow, but the venomous look she threw him stopped him in his tracks.

Lisa hoped on her yellow scooted and drove home. She parked her scooter in the garage. She ran up to the door and pressed the buzzer. Mr. Short opened the door. Crying, she run to the elevator, not even bothering to say hello.

Lisa fell onto her bed and cried. She looked up, seeing the photograph of herself with Brian. She slammed it down, shattering the glass. She cried for hours. The sky grey dark outside.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! Lisa sat up. It was dark. She had fallen asleep. She turned on a light and walked over to the door. She looked through the peephole. A teary-eyed Brian was at the door, with a bouquet of red roses and large box of chocolates. She frowned. She thought for a second, the opened the door.

Brian crawled in, on his knees.

"Please, Lisa, my world, the pulse of my heart, forgive me!"

Lisa was both angry at the sight of him, and annoyed by his melodramatic display. But Lisa knew, however awkward what he said and did made her feel, unlike some, such as Millhouse, he was sincere. She felt her anger melt away.

"Get up. Brian, I forgive you. Look, I was rude. I'm all wound up with this album…for the love of pound cake! The recording session!"

"I cancelled. Lisa, look, I won't ever go back on my beliefs. But I love you more than any meat, even blackened salmon or fillet mignon. That is why," he said as he rose, "I worked this out." He set the apology gifts on the table, and took out a legal form.

"What is that?"

"An agreement between the two of us."

They sat down at the table. Brian took out his reading glasses.

"Article 1: Lisa Simpson, whenever she cooks for Brian Callahan and/or herself, shall do so only when she has both physical and mental capacity to do so and does so on her own free will. Agreed?"

"Umm…okay."

"Good. Article 2: Lisa Simpson, when and if she cooks, shall never be forced to make a dish containing the flesh, bones, fat, blood, or body parts of any animal, including fish, shellfish, molluscs, insects, and amphibians. Article 3: When in the domicile of Lisa Simpson, or when Lisa Simpson is in his home or in an apartment, suite, or room in which he/both parties are staying/dwelling, Brian Callahan shall neither store, prepare, or serve meals containing meat, meat by-products, or animal parts. Article 4: when dining with Lisa Simpson, Brian Callahan will not order or consume any dish containing meat, meat by-products, or animal body parts. Article 5: Brian Callahan shall never eat meat, meat by-products, animal products, or any dish containing them in the presence of Lisa Simpson, or in her home. Article 6: Brian Callahan is to never store meat, meat by-products, animal body parts, or any dish containing them in the refrigerator, freezer, pantry, or anywhere in Lisa Simpson's domicile, or in any place in his domicile while Lisa Simpson is present there. Article 7: Brian Whelan is not to comment on Lisa Simpson's vegetarianism, the vegetarianism of others present, vegetarianism as exhibited by celebrities (excluding the utterly repugnant Pamela Anderson Lee, about whom everything is disgusting), or vegetarianism as a lifestyle/dietary choice in the presence of Lisa Simpson or other vegetarians. Article 8: Any meat Brian Callahan does consume must not be eaten in the presence of Lisa Simpson or vegetarians, and none is to be wasted. Article 9: Fridays shall be days on which Brian Callahan eats no meat or animal-derived foodstuffs from any source. Article 10: Each Lent, Brian Callahan shall give up meat, meat-by products, and any non-egg or dairy animal-derived foodstuffs. Article 11: Brian Callahan shall be allowed to eat meat in the presence of Lisa Simpson only on the following occasions: His birthday dinner, birthday dinners of parent(s) and immediate relatives of either party, Christmas, New Year's, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Labor Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving. Subarticle 1: If such celebration is to take place at the home of Brian Callahan, leftover meat and animal-derived foodstuffs are to be given to friends or family. Subarticle 2: In the event of such occasion taking place at the Callahan domicile, Lisa is not to prepare any meat dishes, meat by-product dishes, or similar foodstuffs. Brian Callahan or others are to do so, and Brian Callahan will be responsible for ensuring that there is a good variety of vegetarian fair available to Lisa Simpson and others. Subarticle 3: In the event of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, or Easter taking place at Callahan domicile, Brian Callahan will, in addition to standard turkey/goose/ham, will prepare multiple vegetarian side dishes (candied yams, mashed potatoes, string beans, steamed vegetables, salad, soup, vegetarian dressing, et al), as well as, if desired, a tofu meat substitute main dish. Article 12: all aforementioned agreements and articles are null in void of Lisa Simpson renouncing vegetarianism."

Brian took a deep breath and sighed. He took out a pen and handed it and the document to Lisa. He folded his glasses.

"So, what dya think? Pretty thorough?"

"Yeah. You really mean to stick to this?"

"Lisa, I would eat dog food for the rest of my life if I had to in order to keep you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the only one who's ever understood me."

Lisa smiled and squeezed his hand.

"Oh Brian, you don't have to do this."

"But I want to. Not that I agree with vegetarianism in principle, but in that its your choice and your belief, and if its what you believe, I don't want to make light of it or insult your decision."

She smiled. She took up the pen. She printed her name, then signed it. She handed it back to Brian, who signed it.

"And in the morning we can get it to a notary."

Lisa sighed. "Our first pre-nuptial agreement."

"This call for a celebration."

The Rolling Stones' 'Let's Spend the Night Together' began to play in the background.

They broke out a bottle of white wine. Brian made some air-popped popcorn, and they sat up and watched the original Japanese version the Godzilla movies late into the night. Lisa fell asleep on Brian's shoulder.

The song faded out.

Lisa woke up. The sun was shining in through the window. The blanket stuck to her skin with sweat. She felt the weight of her cat Marty on her legs.

"Morning Marty," she yawned.

She found a note on the coffee table.

"Don't be late for the recording today. I love you. Brian."

Lisa hopped off the couch and rushed to get dressed. She had fallen asleep in her clothes. She dressed quickly, then hauled it to the studio.

She sauntered into the sound stage.

"About time!" one of the switchboard operators scoffed.

"Sorry."

She strapped her saxophone on over her shoulder.

"You ready?" Brian asked from the piano.

"Yep."

"Okay, track 7, 'Second Grade Blues'!"