Final Fantasy VII and all related names and characters are property of Square.
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Aerith: Don't you think it's a bit hard on the Author? I mean, she got killed... shouldn't we revive her or something? After all, she sort of did the same thing for me.
Author: (still disembodied) Yes! At least someone cares about me!
Tseng: But she did it for her own evil purposes. It's hard, I tell you, being written about just because you're dead. It really lowers a character's self-esteem.
Biggs, Wedge and Jessie: Well you're lucky! Nobody writes about us anyway!
Rufus: I don't care at all. Each new fanfic is just another step to CONQUERING THE WORLD!!! Bwahahaha! *sees astonished looks of Aerith and Tseng* Er... I mean yes, it is very demeaning.
Aerith: Wow! You guys are so wonderful! Let's start a Dead FFVII Characters support group!
Rufus: Let's not and say we did.
Sephiroth: Why am I not in the story? I demand to know! *waves Masamune around threateningly*
everyone else: Yipe! *runs away*
Author: Sephy-chan! *attempts to glomp but fails, being insubstantial* Don't go! I was going to put you in, really I was!
Sephiroth: Good grief... I'm seeing disembodied fangirls! That's the last time I ever go to the Turks' Christmas party... *leaves to plot evil deeds*
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Rebellion of the Random ~ A Final Fantasy VII Comedy!
Chapter Two: To The Big Rock Candy Planet!
Cid had fun waking everyone up with random showers of cold water, and after some short argument, ("You can't just make stuff appear out of nowhere!" protested Tifa -- "I've been readin' more fanfic while you all were asleep, and they do it all the %&^$#in' time," retorted Cid) they all climbed into the shiny brand-new rocket that was now sitting outside Midgar.
"Where's my TEA?!" yelled Cid from his comfortable chair in the cockpit, as the rest of the crew ran back and forth frantically preparing the rocket for takeoff. Shera was down a few levels double-checking everything, so it was Aerith who showed up with the steaming cup of Earl Grey. She balanced it on the control panel carefully and turned to go --
"Sugar!" said Cid, noticing something different about his tea. "Where's the sugar?"
"Yuffie's eaten all the sugar." Indeed, the young ninja had been bouncing off the walls for quite some time after they had foolishly allowed her to take inventory of the provisions.
"$%^&$!!! How can I have tea without the &*^(%in' sugar?" He thought for a moment. No time to unseal the doors and go get more sugar... "I know! %^*&, I am a *&^%*&in' genius!"
"What?" Aerith asked apprehensively. She really hoped he wouldn't say...
"We'll go find the legendary Big Rock Candy Planet!" Cid grinned smugly. "Who the hell else would have thought of such a ^*%*in' brilliant plan?"
"Um, I hate to say this, but not even the Ancients knew of the legendary Big Rock Candy Planet," said Aerith. "In fact, one of the things I read in the City of the Ancients was a note saying that despite popular superstition--"
"Set course for the Big Rock Candy Planet!" yelled Cid into the intercom, even though he was setting the course himself. He leaned back in the chair to contemplate his amazing presence of mind.
"-- there was no such thing as the Big Rock Candy Planet," finished Aerith lamely. "Oh well... I guess I'll go below and polish up the pickaxes." She left, shaking her head in disbelief.
At the same time, an anguished wail of "What do you mean, it doesn't do coffee?!?!?!?" rang through the ship. Arriving back downstairs at the crew cabin, Aerith was bowled over by a white-and-blond blur racing in the opposite direction. As she picked herself up, voices drifted from above...
"I need coffee NOW!"
Cid opened an eye and was gratified to see that Rufus was still sporting a large lump on the back of the head. "What the hell d'ya want coffee for? On my rocket, everyone drinks tea -- none of that %**&%(^in' coffee stuff."
"What?! I can't drink tea! It's... it's not a suitable drink for dictators!"
"Sorry to break it to you, pal, but the dictator 'round here is me. Now get the #$%&* back downstairs before I throw you off."
Elsewhere, Yuffie was counting her leftover coffee candies and trying to decide whether waiting till Rufus was a bit more desperate for coffee would get her a better price for them. "Hey Barret?"
"What?"
"Do you think the Big Rock Candy Planet comes in different flavors? Y'know, like... say... oh, coffee?"
"The Big Rock Candy Planet comes in every flavor imaginable," said Barret with conviction.
"Hmmmm... better get going now, then, or I won't get half as much." She hopped down from the top of the computer bank and ran off. To her consternation, she found that by the time she actually found her buyer, she had unwittingly started sucking on a handful of her candies. Rufus viewed the sticky, wet mess with suspicion, but still agreed to pay a hundred gil for the lot. Yuffie skipped away with her profits as Cid decided that the story needed to say what everyone else was doing at the same time --
Tifa and Red XIII were trying to program the navigational computer to run video games.
Cloud was puzzling over some wiring which he had inadvertently tripped over and pulled out. ("Now what was it? Green with blue... or maybe red?")
Shera, having exhausted her list of diagnostic tests, was hanging lucky charms all over tank number eight.
Barret and Reno were engaged in a heated argument about the veracity of the Big Rock Candy Planet legends, while Rude and Tseng looked on impassively.
Elena was telling Aerith and Reeve all about injustice in the workplace; Aerith was waiting to see if she'd realize that Reeve had fallen asleep three minutes ago.
Vincent was brooding in a corner like usual.
Having brought the audience up to date on the whereabouts of the rest of the gang, Cid started the countdown. "Three... two... one..." The rocket took off, throwing everyone else into confusion as they all realized that Cid had neglected to provide his shiny brand-new rocket with seatbelts.
"What the--" gasped Rufus, discovering that the coffee-candy mess was now stuck firmly to the sleeve of his trademark white suit. He didn't get much time to think about it, though, as another jerk of the rocket sent him stumbling across the room, where the candy also became entangled in Aerith's hair; Reeve went to untangle it and instead got his hand stuck.
Meanwhile Tifa smacked into Reno, who couldn't believe his luck until she punched him in the face, Yuffie scrambled around trying to pick up all the coins she had dropped, and Red, being much more stable on four legs, ignored all this and went on deciphering the navigational programs.
Needless to say, Aerith was less than thrilled to have two people stuck to her hair. "What are you doing? Get away from my hair!" she screamed, waving her arms around wildly. Hearing her, the others came in to see what was happening.
"It's not our fault," said Reeve quickly, seeing the expression on Cloud's face. "It was those coffee candies President Rufus was holding..."
"Do you know how much it costs to dry-clean a suit like this?" said Rufus. "If someone doesn't do something quickly, it might stain permanently!" He tugged at his sleeve, causing Aerith no small pain; she was on the verge of hitting him with a well-placed magic lightning bolt when Yuffie spoke up.
"You've got to freeze it!" she said. "At least I think... it might have been gum... no, I'm sure it was candy. Just put it in the freezer for a few hours and it'll come right off!"
"Really?" said Tifa.
"Yep! It's amazing how much you can learn by reading those books of household hints!"
Aerith was skeptical. "You're saying I have to freeze my head? That doesn't sound like it would work too well..."
But nobody could come up with anything else, and so the three ended up in the walk-in freezer that had inexplicably been built into the rocket. It only barely qualified as "walk-in", as it was about four feet square and the door was so low that it was technically impossible to "walk" in.
"You're sure you'll remember to come and check on us?" Aerith's voice echoed nervously from behind the door.
"Oh absitively posolutely," said Yuffie reassuringly. "I mean... yeah. That is, if I don't..."
"Don't what?" said Rufus, who was wedged into one of the shelves ("It's just not proper for all of us to be squeezed into the middle," Reeve had explained, "and since you're on the side with the shelves...") and thought he could already feel a leg cramp coming on.
"Nothing! No, now that I think of it, there's absolutely nothing that would keep me from coming back!" Yuffie skipped off cheerfully, saying over and over to herself, "Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Hey, Red! Is that Tetris you're playing on the navigation system? Cooooool!! Hey, lemme try!"
(Two hours later...)
"...Y'know, Red, there was something I was supposed to remember... Oh yeah! I can't forget to go have a snack before we leave the rocket! Gotta get that energy in."
Meanwhile, conditions in the freezer were rapidly becoming uncomfortable. Aerith had turned an interesting shade of blue, Reeve was shivering uncontrollably, and Rufus... was asleep and, by the look of it, not cold at all.
"Lucky &^&($, must be all those superfluous layers he wears," muttered Reeve. "That suit of his could stop a bullet, it's so thick." More annoyed than usual, he reached over and poked Rufus, who woke with a start and sat up, detaching his sleeve from Aerith's hair and the frozen coffee candy.
"It's stained!" he said peevishly. "Now I'll have to send the Turks to the cleaners with it again. They'll be grumbling for days about errand-running... How long have we been in here?" Aerith and Reeve glared at him and started loudly yelling for help again, in the faint hope that someone would pass by.
Cid squinted at his display. "Big Rock Candy Planet sighted!" he yelled into the intercom. "All hands prepare for landing!"
Below, everyone scrambled to find something solid to hold on to. Aerith, Reeve and Rufus, still in the freezer, couldn't hear a word of Cid's announcement over the sound of teeth chattering, and continued banging on the door in hopes of rescue.
"Landing in three..."
Yuffie, safely strapped into a seat in the main room, wondered what it could possibly be that she had forgotten.
"...two..."
Maybe Aerith knew... but come to think of it, Yuffie hadn't seen her around in a while...
"...one..."
Or perhaps some ice cream would help her memory.
"...Touchdown!" Everything rocked violently for a moment, and then settled down. Back in the freezer, Reeve and the coffee candy had detached themselves from Aerith, taking a good bit of hair with them, Aerith was rubbing her head painfully, and Rufus had taken no notice of the sudden jolt and was still complaining about his suit.
As the others made ready to go out onto the surface of the planet, Yuffie headed for the freezer to grab a quick bite of ice cream. She pulled the door open...
"Hey guys, what are you doing in here? Can you hand me the ice cream -- Aaugh!" A few minutes later, the three former popsicles sauntered casually into the main room, where the others were already gathered.
"There you are!" cried Tifa. "I've been looking all over for you! Didn't you know we're just about to go out and explore the surface?"
"Get going, people," said Cid, "or we'll leave you in the &^(^$*@in' rocket. And by the way, where's the brat? She was bouncin' off the walls in here just a second ago."
"She... um... she's staying here," said Reeve innocently. "She's just going to eat ice cream and... er... chill out." Behind him, Aerith and Rufus were both seized with a sudden fit of coughing. Cid glared at them suspiciously, but accepted the explanation.
As the door opened, the first sight they beheld was the sun setting over the sugary montains in the distance. Cid scowled at it, but took off the badge -- whereupon the rocket abruptly disappeared and there was a moment of silence, followed by screams and yells as everyone fell twenty feet onto the ground, all the while fighting to get ahold of the badge again.
Unfortunately, the badge slipped out of Reno's hand just as Barret tackled him, sending it flying and rolling into a nearby lake of icing. Cloud lunged for it, but was a second too late and ended up with a faceful of icing while the badge floated serenely out towards the very middle of the huge lake.
"Oh, nice one Cloud!" said Reno sarcastically, to cover the fact that he himself had been the one who dropped it. "Now how are we going to get home?"
"Mpfblaagh!" spluttered Cloud, who had never liked chocolate icing.
And so we leave our heroes, staring distraught at the priceless badge that is their only means of escape from this toothache-inducing alien world. Will they ever recover it? Well, of course they will! ...You weren't expecting a cliffhanger, were you?
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author's notes: Blargh. I really don't like this chapter, but school has been draining all my creative energy lately. Hopefully, a clean slate with the next chapter will make it easier to write. Oh, and I know I promised to have this up last week, but I have been buried under a veritable mountain of homework for the last month, so bear with me, okay? ^^;