Brian's Birthday

"Haha!"

"So I tells him 'That wasn't a woman, that was a pawn shop sign'!"

"HA!"

"Hoo…"

"Oh, look at this!" someone laughed as Marge brought in an enormous chocolate cake pierced with twenty seven blazing candles. Lisa left Brian's side briefly to dim the lights.

The partyers ceased their smoking and drinking briefly to sing 'Happy Birthday', only to recommence, albeit with cake finding a place in their mouths between puffs and gulps.

"So, what did you wish for?" Lisa asked.

"Oh, I can't tell you, or it won't come true. And I sure as heck want this one to come true." He pecked her on the cheek. She blushed and mock-slapped him.

"Okay Brian, time for the gifts."

"Okay, here you go."

"Let's see," he said, taking the card,

"'To Brian,

Happy Birthday,

Love, Jessica'. Aw, thanks. Let's get this open…and…oh, gosh…!"

"What? What is it?"

"Oingo Boingo, Dead Man's Party, the vinyl! Thank you Jess!" he laughed, standing up to hug her. "How'd you know I've been looking for this?"

"Oh, Lisa told me," she said matter-of-factly.

Note to Self: Girls talk.

"And this one… is from Bart," Brian said, picking up a flat, circular gift with no card. He opened it: it was an unmarked DVD. "What is it?"

"Play it, man. You see."

Brian shot Lisa an apprehensive look. Once everyone was in the living room, Brian turned the TV on and put the DVD in.

"This isn't anything…risqué…is it?" Marge asked. Bart gave her a wild look that made her heart stop, then smiled and shook his head.

"Oh my God! This is that killer video we've all been hearing about! Isn't it? Isn't it!" Homer screamed.

"Dad, that's from 'The Ring'."

"How'd you know the title of the possessed tape?"

"Shh…it's starting!"

The Twentieth Century Fox Logo appeared, accompanied by appropriate booing and tossing of beer cans at the screen. The logo was replaced by another, that of Lucasfilm.

"Wait…oh no…Bart, you couldn't have!" Lisa scolded.

The film started, John Williams' famous opening title playing. 'Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" read the opening scroll. Brian shook his head, while Bart cackled and Jessica smirked. He took the remote and skipped ahead.

"A bootleg movie…Bart, this is a new low," Marge sighed.

"Explains the lightsaber duel between George Lucas and the assassin the fans sent to kill him."

"Wait, you haven't seen the last bit yet."

It was the scene with Vader and the Emperor standing on the bridge of the Star Destroyer, watching the construction of the Death Star. Where the theatrical release would have gone to Padme's funeral and the ending, the bootleg copy cut to Darth Vader marching down a dark corridor, flanked by stormtroopers. He came to a door, and opened it with a flick of his black-gloved hand. Jar Jar Binks stood inside.

"Wha-?" he squeaked.

"You have served your purpose, Jar Jar!" Vader growled. He reached out, and Jar Jar seized his throat, as if being choked. His eyes bulged, and he fell to the floor gasping. It cut to the Emperor standing in the Senate chambers, Vader by his side.

"And so, for aiding the Separatists, and harboring their leaders from justice, have sent several legions of our newly formed, non-clone (at this he winked) stormtroopers, to capture the fugitives, thus ensuring our continued safety and security."

It cut to footage of stormtroopers slaughtering Gungans. Vader was shown giving orders to the officers.

"This is genocide, The total and deliberate annihalition of the Gungan race. There is no place for their kind in my empire!"

"Yes m'lord."

It then cut to the normal ending.

"So? Did Bart deliver or did Bart deliver?" he asked.

"Well, I must say that the few deleted scenes greatly improved the film."

"Are you kidding! They killed off Jar Jar! Why would they go and kill off one of the most beloved characters!" Homer yelled. He fell to the ground, pounding his fists against the shag carpet. "DAMN YOU, LUCAS! DAMN YOU!"

The guests laughed and returned to the dining room. Outside Millhouse watched them from the shadows. He saw Lisa standing in the door way. He stared at her longingly, at her pointy hair, her pink sweater, her blue jeans. He took another swig of Ol' Rot Gut, and ambled away.

Millhouse returned to the apartment an hour later, after several near-collisions with cars and another bottle of cheap wine.

"Well the hell were you?" Bernie Gumble asked when he came in.

"Out."

"Drinking again, eh? Well see here-I may be a hereditary alcoholic, but at least I have the decency to get drunk in a bar with friends. You just sit and drink out of a bottle, all by yourself. And you come back and puke on the couch and the floor. At least I puke outside!"

"Ah go frurck yershelfff…" Millhouse slurred, and he stumbled, catching at table for support.

"What do you bring in?"

"Aw, shutit. You make money…yer shtupid sishter bringshhh in moneee…Whada you care?" He swooned and blacked out.