Chapter Three: Random Romance, Part I: One-upmanship
Five hours later:
"Hey, Cloud, why are you still sitting there? C'mon and try some of these cupcake bushes!"
"Er... no thanks, Yuffie. I need to concentrate on getting that badge back, otherwise we may be stuck here for days."
"And what would be so bad about that?" said Yuffie cheerfully, hopping up and down on sugar high after having spent hours consuming candy. "This place is the best! Nothing but sweets to eat and nothing but soda to drink! I could definitely get used to this." She emphasized her point by turning a cartwheel.
Cloud poked at the edge of the icing lake with a candy-cane branch. "You'll get tired of it soon enough. I have a feeling this chapter is going to be a cautionary tale."
"You're no fun. What's a little toothache?" Yuffie grumbled. She stuck her tongue out and backflipped away.
A little ways away, the rest of the gang had wandered off and were exploring the landscape.
"Just think of the possibilities, Reeve," mused Rufus, contemplating the vast cotton-candy forest. "Once the space program gets underway, we could become not only the world's only energy supplier but also the sole controller of the desserts business... What's so funny?"
"Uh... nothing, sir," said Reeve hastily. "That's very perceptive of you... I mean, there must be vast areas of untapped market power in the realm of dessert retail."
"Exactly! Think about it... we could have a Shinra coffeeshop on every corner! And then -- expansions into amusement park snacks and the home baking market! We could redefine the city as Midgar, the Dessert Capital of the World!"
"Amazing prospect, sir," said Reeve, standing on his own toes in an attempt to keep a straight face.
Further on, the Turks were standing around, uneasily aware that their backdrop of lollipop trees and gingerbread sheep was definitely not doing anything for their coolness. Well, except Reno, who had his feet braced against one of the trees and was trying to pull off an exceptionally large branch. One glance told the others why: the four-foot lollipop was conveniently wrapped in cellophane and bore a fancy paper tag proclaiming "Butter Rum Flavor (artificial)".
"Uh, Reno, you do realize that "butter rum flavor" doesn't necessarily mean "alcoholic", don't you?" said Elena carefully. With Reno, you never could tell what the motivation was.
"After that letdown over the chocolate pond, I'm willing to try anything," grumbled Reno, who was suffering the effects of too much sugar and not enough alcohol. "'Chocolate liquor' my ass! You couldn't get a moogle drunk on that stuff."
Tseng sighed. "Reno, your ignorance when it comes to subjects other than alcohol, weapons, and televised wrestling never ceases to amaze me. Now will you stop that? You're detracting from our coolness, which is not at its best in this environment in the first place."
"But boss... even if it's not alcoholic, think of how cool it'll look in the break room! How many other divisions of the company get to bring back giant lollipops from their business trips? Think about it! Beats boring ol' carved masks and fly-fishing trophies any day, yo! Don't ya want one in your office? We could have it engraved and put on a gold-plated stand and... and your cats could lick it!"
"Shut it, Reno," snapped Elena. "You were the one who got us all into this mess in the first place and if you don't stop you'll completely ruin our image!" She coughed. "God, I'm thirsty."
"River of grape soda right there." Reno jerked his head towards the nearby stream.
"No thank you! You people are such pigs, eating all those sweets. I have my figure to think of." She pulled out a bottle of 'Shinra 100 Fat-Free Spring Water' and a granola bar.
"'s a shame to be dieting in a place like this," said Reno sadly. "Don't you have any sense of fun, yo?"
"You know what's fun, Reno? It's going to be fun to watch everyone else get the reward they deserve for being so insensitive to their health." Elena took a dainty sip of her water, and suddenly the other Turks found themselves staring at the bottle of clear, cool, refreshing...
Tseng cleared his throat. "Elena, it has just occurred to me that we have nothing to drink here but beverages of high sugar content, and that this may eventually lead to dehydration, which would significantly impair our ability to do our job and look cool. Therefore... I have decided to ration out your water bottle for the remainder of the time we are on this planet."
"Well..." said Elena. "I don't think there's enough for all four of us. Besides, it was your responsibility to make sure everyone had the right gear, wasn't it?"
"I don't think you understand the situation. Here and now, there are more important things to worry about than your diet."
"But sir, you don't even know the calorie content of these trees..." At that moment, a cry of triumph sounded from beyond the river of soda.
"I've got it!" Indeed, the badge was almost within reach of a candy cane held by Cloud, who was lying flat on the surface of the icing with a leg anchored by Tifa, who was leaning precariously out over the lake with her other hand grasping a gumdrop tree for support. He poked with the candy cane once -- twice -- but it only pushed the badge farther away. "Damn... it's no use!"
But just then, Tifa exclaimed in surprise and a small foot bounced off his head, giving him a faceful of sticky chocolate. When Cloud finally floundered back to shore, Cait Sith was dancing over to Reeve, who took the recovered badge with an infuriating air of innocence.
"Why look at this," he said, polishing it on his shirt. "I do believe it's my day to be Author. And my first act--" the Big Rock Candy Planet suddenly jumped and shimmied before the eyes like a caffeinated acrobat -- "will be to take us home!"
"This is booooooring." Yuffie kicked her heels against the side of the sofa. "C'mon, catman, think of something already! What are we gonna do this time?"
"I don't know..." Aerith chimed in. "I think the peace and quiet is rather nice, really."
Reeve ignored them both and continued thinking, chin in hand, and looking very intelligent and serious. Everyone else simply talked amongst themselves or rolled their eyes. It had been an hour and a half so far.
Suddenly he sat bolt upright. An illusory lightbulb flashed briefly over his head in the accepted manner for someone who's just had a brilliant idea.
"I've got it!" he cried triumphantly. "We're trying to attract as many readers as possible to this fanfiction, right?"
"Uh... yeah, I guess we are," said Barret, propping a foot on the coffee table and wearing a long-suffering look. "You got a plan?"
"Do I ever!" said Reeve, beaming at the assembled company. "According to my extensive research, a very popular aspect of fanfiction is 'pairings', or romantic plots."
"...You mean I was paying you to sit around reading romance novels?" inquired Rufus, sounding rather annoyed. "I don't like the sound of this."
"Oh no, Mr. President, this is a provable fact! Romance in stories makes them much more popular! In fact, I don't think we can afford to go without it." He pulled out a notecard with a list scribbled on it and read over it briefly. "The interesting thing is that the more improbable the 'pairing', the more readers it seems to attract. So why not take it to the next level and make them completely random? That should give us quite a boost!"
He beamed some more. His audience was decidedly unimpressed.
"So let me get this straight," said Cloud. "You're asking us to randomly pair off? Just like that?"
"Oh no no," said Reeve, looking shocked. "No, just do something romantic. Pretend, really. I think that we should pick names out of a hat, and the first three pairs will go on a date. That should be enough 'romance' to get some more reviews."
"What if we can't think of anything romantic?"
"Hmm... I know! We'll give you scripts! That way it'll be quite painless. In any case," Reeve added, "I am the Author for today, so my decision is final."
And so, with many grumbles and groans, the drawing began.
"Our first volunteer is Aerith!" Aerith looked rather nervous, and Tifa patted her hand while Reeve drew the next name. "And..." He suddenly frowned, and looked positively spooked. "Er, I think there's been a mistake. It says... Sephiroth."
There was a nearly simultaneous mutual gasp from the listeners. Aerith paled, and Cloud's expression turned thunderous. "Why did you put his name in there?"
"I don't know," said Reeve, perplexed. "I'm sure I didn't... though that certainly would attract people... but no, I'll definitely draw again." Unfortunately, the inexplicable rules of the story chose that moment to intrude, and before he could tear up the slip, there was a convenient flash of light and Aerith was gone.
Somewhere else, an extremely annoyed villain was wondering just where the wreaking havoc had stopped and this infernally bright and cheerful city had started. And that was bad enough before a thick annotated script hit him on the head.
And off in the wings, the Author cackled happily. She'd made things go her way for once!
"...and it says here we're contractually obliged to mention 'glowing emerald orbs' at least once," read Aerith. "What a strange phrase. I don't think I really want to..."
"That was once," replied Sephiroth, idly lopping the head off an innocent passerby. "Idiot."
Aerith put her hands on her hips and scowled at him in frustration. "Would you please stop that?"
"Killing people, or calling you names?"
"Both!"
"I could kill you and call them names," he suggested, the aforementioned emerald orbs brightening with his trademark mad gleam. Aerith sighed. It was worse than dealing with a two-year-old.
"Look," she explained, "I don't want to be here. You don't want to be here. The only way for us not to be here is to go along with the plan. All right? Besides," she couldn't repress a trace of smugness, "if you kill me I'll just come right back again."
"And after this you'll go away?"
"I certainly hope so."
"Fine." Sephiroth leaned back against a convenient wall, arms folded and wearing a perfectly bored expression. What a waste of an afternoon that could have been spent monologuing or wreaking death and destruction. He wasn't going to spend much effort on it, anyway. "What are we supposed to do?"
Aerith glanced over the list of popular suggestions, and blushed hotly. Resisting the sudden urge to punch her unwelcome companion, she quickly stuffed it in her pocket.
"Er... how about you buy me a milkshake?" she suggested lamely.
"...You're asking me, a living god and the destined dominator of the universe, who moreover killed you very dead, to buy you a milkshake?" He raised an eyebrow.
"After killing me very dead, as you put it, it's the least you could do. Unless..." Aerith suddenly suspected something, and a slight amusement crept into her tone. "Unless you can't?"
"Gods have no need of petty pocket change," replied Sephiroth haughtily, but he definitely looked a shade less self-satisfied than before. Aerith couldn't help but giggle while he glared at the sky in badly disguised annoyance. Ah, sweet revenge.
"All right, then I'll just have to buy you one," she said when she'd finished laughing. That had been worth it.
The small diner where they eventually stopped was clean and cheerful, and looking around it Aerith could almost feel like she was out on a normal spring afternoon, having fun. At least until she noticed Sephiroth happily demolishing the shoe store across the street. Beating a hasty retreat, she managed to get the both of them to the park, where there were fewer things to kill, smash or set on fire. It wasn't until she'd finally found a reasonably clean bench that she noticed he'd already finished his own milkshake and was starting on hers.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing with that?" She swiped ineffectually at the plastic cup, but he held it up out of her reach, mockingly.
"Now now. Since I'm a god, everything is mine to do what I wish with. Including milkshakes." He took another drink, to make it perfectly clear.
Aerith narrowed her eyes. "But you can't do whatever you want with things and people. People belong to themselves, anyway..." She trailed off, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, as she saw Sephiroth holding up a familiar-looking list, and remembered that they were both supposed to get a copy of the script...
"Oh, I think not. People are simply useful tools. For example, some of the suggestions on here sound very useful. Especially..." He grinned wolfishly, and Aerith jumped back a step, her expression combining fright and seething outrage. "...you buying me another milkshake. And chocolate this time."
"Wha--" After that fright, it took a moment for Aerith to realize she'd been fooled. "You... you insufferable git!" she snapped, turning a fetching shade of pink to match her dress. "Give that back!" Killing her was bad enough, but playing pranks? She wasn't going to let him one-up her again.
Once more self-satisfied and revenged on the irritating girl, Sephiroth magnanimously decided to let her have the drink back. He hated strawberry, anyway. Taking a seat on the bench, he went back to looking bored and at length deigned to say, "Is there anything else to finish in order to get out of here?"
Slightly calmer after finishing the stolen milkshake (it might have been formerly drunk by her greatest enemy, but she was not going to let him have the satisfaction of making her waste her money), Aerith read from her own paper: "Now I have to say something affirming and you have to say something repentant." They looked over the top of their scripts at each other. And for once it was neither a look of hatred, or revulsion, or rivalry. For in that moment the legendary General and the last of the Cetra shared one singular feeling.
Which could be adequately summed up as: what the hell?
Aerith cleared her throat. This was silly, but the sooner over the better. "Um... while I used to think you were completely devoid of all redeeming qualities, I realize that you actually have enough kindness left in you to share a half-drunk stolen milkshake. Too bad that still doesn't lift you above the level of the average cockroach." She smiled triumphantly. Let's see if Sephiroth could top that!
He thought for a minute, tapping one gloved finger against the bench, then lifted his gaze to meet hers and smirked. "I deeply and truly regret ever having met you, you pestilent, self-righteous annoyance." Ha! The Cetra girl's pathetic wit was no match for the brilliance of a god!
"Oh come on." Aerith shook her head derisively. "Who bought you that milkshake, anyway? Besides, I could say the exact same thing about you, you delusional..." But just as Sephiroth opened his mouth to cut in with a particularly scathing remark, there was a flash of light, and the park, along with Aerith, faded away. In slight surprise he realized the task had been completed, and then against all expectations he cursed the fate that had forever set them apart.
For it had deprived him of the chance to deliver the perfect comeback.
Author's Notes: After two years, one of the few stories I've ever written and really liked is resurrected. I apologize for the unevenness of this chapter -- the first part was written two years ago and the rest was written last night.
Spoofing romance fics was inevitable, of course, and it turned out to be quite a lot of fun. Aerith/Sephiroth is actually a pairing I'm rather fond of, but I only know of two or three stories that really make it believeable. Who knows, maybe that could be my next serious project? XD