When the Mary Sues Became too Much

This is a series of PPC spin-offs. They are written by me and my friend Jen. This one was actually written by Jenn, but it's the first of them, and it wouldn't make any sense otherwise.

Disclaimer: I did not invent the PPC, or any of the wonderful gadgets that I happen to mention. All these were created by Jay and Acacia in the original series, found here ---- If you find it offensive, please don't take legal action, I'm a nice person really!

For your viewing convenience, extracts from the fan fic have been written in italic. Just so you don't have to strain your poor brains figuring things out.

"Better left to the imagination"

Jenn was finding it more than a little difficult finding her way around the grey building of the PPC headquarters. She had been summoned to the head office. She didn't know why yet.

After much time of searching, then giving up, and then finding it suddenly, Jenn pushed open the door to be greeted by a large sunflower.

"Agent Wren, come in."

And she did.

"This is your new partner, Agent Lemon."

For the first time Jenn noticed a girl slightly smaller than herself (which was saying something) standing in the corner, arms folded across her chest, with an expression of slight bewilderment. This arrangement would be fine for Jenn, except for one thing.

"But I already have a partner."

"Your request to be transferred from the Department of Bad Slash has been accepted. You will now be working with Agent Lemon in the Department of Mary Sues."

"Any area in particular?"

"Harry Potter."

It was all Jenn could do to stop herself from dancing.

Much more time later, the two agents had found their new office.

"Ah, so..." began Agent Lemon, breaking the silence. "I'm Nel."

"Hello! I'm Jenn. Have you worked here before?"

"Uh, not for very long. Am I that obvious?"

"Oh no, not at all..."

"This place is a little bare..."

Understatement. They were housed in a small grey room with only a computer console for decoration. A message was already on the screen. Nel read it aloud.

"' portal doodaa can be found next to console. Other equipment to be provided shortly.' That was thoughtful." She grimaced. "I hate grey."

"I have a remedy!" Jenn produced some posters, pictures, action figures and other random objects from her bottomless bag (originally belonging to a Mary Sue). She began decorating.

However, no sooner had her and Nel put up a Lord of the Rings poster, and ripped a rather cute Brian Kendrick poster down the middle, they were interrupted.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Ow!"

Nel looked at the readout. "Houston, we have a mission."

"What's it like?"

"Typical Mary Sue by the looks of things - full of herself, very pretty, incredibly powerful... goes by the name of Collenna."
Jenn's eyes had scrolled slightly further down the page. Her eyes bulged.

"Should we be on our way?" She asked, very slowly, through gritted teeth.

"What's up?"

"One does not mess around with the feelings of the Weasleys without encuring my wrath. Let's go. Very quickly. And kill her."

Nel moved slightly away from her partner. "Right, so Hogwarts uniforms.. hey check it out! Written before the films - this'll be good..." She fiddled about a bit with the controls. Jenn, being slightly more eager, pressed the portal maker doodaa and jumped through.

They arrived outside the grounds of Hogwarts just as the door of Hagrid's hut was opened to Harry and friends by his 'new assistant', a, not very surprisingly, pretty young girl, with -

"Bright purple eyes?" Jenn blinked. "Ow. Bit too florescent for my tastes. How does one get purple eyes?"

"Contact lenses? Shall we go a bit closer, so we can hear?"

"If we must."

The conversation was just about audible from their new position behind the cabin, but it was mainly the Sue speaking a load of rubbish.

"Wait a minuet." Broke in Harry.

"Ok," muttered Jenn, "But you'll have to wait until I warm my flute up."

"Shh, she's explaining how she was expelled."

There was a pause while everything sank in.

"She duelled her head teacher?"

"She won?"

"She was expelled for beating her teacher in a duel. Well... it's new."

"Stop! She's sixteen right?" Nel was pondering.

"I think so.."

"She was expelled?"

"Yes.."

"She's passed her apparition test."

"What? She was expelled and so she gets to apparate under age? Where is the sense?" cried poor Jenn.

"Hey, don't look at me - she wrote it!"

"So, if I begin the charge list, with extreme pleasure - making Hagrid need an assistant, being expelled yet allowed to keep her wand AND use it, apparating under age.."

"Oh, she's telling them about, gasp, 'the list'. And now they're leaving. Did they not want to see Hagrid or anything?"

"What's the list when it's at home?"

"If we catch up with Harry he's telling the other two about it."

Unseen by the canon characters, the assassins walked beside Harry, listening to his explanation.

"Oh, I've known about it for some time now. I didn't know that there was another underage wizard on it but it's basically Voldemort's hit list."

"Oh just a hit list," sighed Jenn in an offhand way. "The most powerful dark wizard ever wants me dead, but I don't care, I've known about it for ages."

"And let's take a wild stab in the dark who, apart from Harry, is on the list..."

"Aargh! Prepare yourself!"

SWOMPH!

They had arrived at the Gryffindor table in time for a feast to honour, ahem, the new assistant gamekeeper. Because that's normal.

"I hate time jumps."

"They make m...m...meeble..." Nel trailed off, spotting a blond haired boy at the Slytherin table.

"Great, I'm teamed up with a Malfoy obssessor."

Nel carried on drooling.

"Fine, I will just listen to her speech and... an hour of questions! No way! We're hopping."

Not waiting for an answer, Jenn dragged Nel through a portal one hour later. Just in time for the final question.

As Collenna started down off the podium, one last hand went up from the Slytherin table. It belonged to none other than Draco Malfoy. "Are you single?"

Being quite forward thinking, Jenn had stepped on the hem of Nel's robes, to prevent her jumping up and strangling Collenna there and then.

"When can we kill her?"

"Sorry Nel, I think we'll have to wait until she kills Voldemort - that's the big continuum messer upper."

"I can wait. If I can kill her."

"Aww, but she messes with the Wea -" Nel glared menacingly. "Yes, you can kill her."

"Hold on - it's doing it again."

SWOMPH!

It was late October. Ron, Harry, and Hermione walked down to the small hut behind Hagrid's where Collenna lived. It was rather gloomy outside and looked like it was going to rain. The author appeared to have forgotten what conjunctions were.

"Oh dancing in the rain together. This will be painful."

"Remind me why they're not supposed to get wet?"

Nel glanced at the words. "All the fires at Hogwarts are being repaired."

"Right."

Luckily, they did not have to endure this for too long.

SWOMPH!

"I wish that would stop. Oooh, teachers lounge!"

"Listen my partner.."

"She seems to be fitting in quite well." Professor Dumbledore said while smiling.

"Yes, she and everyone. All the students like her. You should have seen the common room when she walked in. Everyone wanted to talk to her." Snape remarked. "She's smart too. The only thing wrong with her is that she hangs out with Potter's gang."

"There's nothing wrong with 'Potter's gang' Severus." I'd rather her hang out with them then with Malfoy." Professor McGonagall snapped.

"Do teachers really say 'hang out'? Espescially McGonagall?" mumbled Nel.

"And I'm pretty sure that McGonagall doesn't really discriminate against Malfoy that much."

"I'm quite glad we haven't got our OOC devices yet. I can just imagine breaking them on our first mission."

"What exactly is this 'situation' they're all talking about?"

"Probably something to do with saving the world. Oh wait, this will be funny."

"I'm with Minerva. You-know-who's on the rise. He could attack at any moment. They need to know. Plus, if they know, they can combine their power. With the stuff that boy's got plus the power she has, they could be more powerful than he-who-must-not-be-named. There'd be no stopping them. And they both know how to use it. He's a Triwizard Champion; she's a 3-time winner of the International Mugwump Competition. She beat both of us Severus." Professor Sprout had his say.

Professor Sprout momentarily gained male features before returning to HER usual form.

"Oh, so this is set after the fourth book.. then of course Voldemort's on the rise you prat!"

"Calm down Jenn. See, they've finished and they'll tell them after Christmas."

SWOMPH!

"You really need a strong stomach for this."

"Nel, you might not want to see this."

"Why! Aargh!"

"Professor Dumbledore!" Collenna was in the great hall, pulling a stretcher as he (Collenna morphed twistedly into a man and then back again. How strange.) went. "I was in my quarters when he knocked on my door. I thought it was an emergency, so I let him in. Then, he said that he had to tell me something before he exploded. He said…" With that she collapsed. Dumbledore understood completely. He put his arm around her shoulder and walked her and the stretcher to the imfermery. Collenna stayed there for the night, she had been somewhat drained of her power. The person on the stretcher was lifted into the bed next to her. His silver-blond hair shined in the moonlight. It was Draco.

"What... was that?"

"Don't worry, he'll live. It's some twisted curse she has on her, she moans about it later. No one can tell her that they love her if she loves them too, or they get hurt. And visa versa. Basically."

"You mean, he told her that... How long till we can kill her?"

"A couple more 'scenes'"

SWOMPH!

Harry and Hermione were in the common room kissing.

SWOMPH!

"Why? Why did she put that in? It's never mentioned again, and it's WRONG!"

Jenn was still blinking. "Well, it's a charge. Can you watch this one, I don't think I can." With that, Jenn wandered behind a handy tree to mourn Ronald Weasley.

Nel wasn't particularly keen on listening either. But some very important charges would be missed if she didn't.

In short, Collenna was explaining to Ron how she had kissed every Weasley boy (Aside from the dad. Hopefully), and how Percy was the best kisser. She said this a lot. And it got more disturbing each time. Then, in an odd display of non-embarrassedness, Ron kissed her. So very very wrong.

Jenn came out from behind her tree, her hands covering her eyes. "Is it over?"

"It's ok, come on, let's portal to the Weasley Christmas. All we'll miss is her lamenting to Charlie about the curse."

Jenn sniffed. "Ok."

They quickly did so before they could be swomphed.

"Yay! Christmas at the Burrow!" Jenn ran around like an excited little pixie. Luckily, the Sue hadn't arrived yet so she wasn't seen.

When they arrived, it was a hug fest. Everyone had to hug everyone else.

"Why?" sighed Nel to herself. "Why must you state such obvious things..." She banged her head on a nearby wall.

Then all the boys went to one wing of the house, while all the girls went to the other.

As Nel continued to destroy the last of her brain cells, Jenn wondered when the Burrow had become big enough to have 'wings'.

SWOMPH!

"Darn, wasn't expecting that."

"Do we have to be here?" Nel moaned. "It's just more about the dumb curse."

"I just want to see something. Ah, here it is."

Charlie sighed in a manor that you could tell he had wished Bill had kept his mouth shut.

Both agents were amazed as the boys room was magically transformed into a manor so that Charlie could sigh in it.

"Ok, bored now. Let's portal to the Yule Ball."

"Yule Ball? Wasn't that in book four? Which has already happened I think.."

"Don't ask me hard questions, let's go."

And so they portalled.

Just in time to see Collenna's chocolate frog card of herself.

"That is so going on the charge list," seethed Nel.

Oddly enough, seeing as neither were students, and one had no right being there, Collenna and Charlie opened the dance. Then Collenna danced with many people, inclusive of Snape. Okay.

After that Professor Dumbledore stepped in. He whispered "I need to have a word with you. Meet me outside in 3 minuets."

A small group of minstrels played three numbers and then Collenna went outside.

Outside, Dumbledore was informing Harry and Collenna of an attack by Voldemort that was coming later that night. There were many unsaid questions between Nel and Jenn, such as, 'How did he know?' and 'If he's still as weak as Dumbledore says why is he attacking - alone?'.

SWOMPH!

It was slightly later on it the night, and the school was evacuated bar the staff, Harry and Collenna. Lord Voldemort burst through the door. Again, one has to wonder what exactly his motive for doing so was.

He knocked all the teachers, including Dumbledore unconscious within seconds, leaving Harry alone to

fight him, as Collenna had conveniently disappeared.

She returned moments later, knocked Harry unconscious, drank a love potion, and told Voldemort she loved him. He died, she collapsed. What a climax.

At last the Protectors believed that it was their solemn duty to kill the Mary Sue in a very gruesome way.

Nel picked up the limp Collenna, and Jenn slapped her a couple of times. She eventually came round.

"Collenna, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, making Hagrid need an assistant, being expelled for stupid reasons, being allowed to keep and use your wand after aforementioned expulsion, knocking everyone out of character, breaking the fires in Hogwarts, making Professor Sprout male, inventing dumb curses, making Harry and Hermione kiss, for no reason, kissing all the Weasley brothers, making the Weasley's house large enough to have wings, and then turning it into a manor, duplicating the Yule Ball and taking along people who shouldn't be there, making a chocolate frog card of yourself, causing random minstrels to play minuets, making Voldemort an idiot, making Dumbledore weak, and killing Lord Voldemort! I mean, what's supposed to happen in the next two books? Hmmm?"

"You also trivialised Draco - not to mention making all the teachers sound like prats." Nel spat before slitting the Sue's throat with her nail. Voldemort promptly woke up and apparated elsewhere, respective Weasley's went back to their respective places, the teachers woke up, and the students began wandering back into school.

"Do you think it'll be ok?" wondered Nel.

"Oh yeah, they'll sort everything out."

"And what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, early in the morning?"

A smile spread across Jen's face. "I know some spiders that are in need of fresh meat..."

Jenn's AN) THOU SHALT NOT MESS WITH THE WEASLEYS LEST YOU ENCURE THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND JENNYS! To be honest, this fic was better than some I've read. I would've done them, but Hermione/Draco scares me.

Nel's AN - added later) Hello! Draco is mine, mine and mine. Nobody else's. Does the happy 'Draco is mine' dance However he is still a complete and utter bastard. Stuck up, arrogant, muggle / mudblood hater. He will never be loving or caring. If I can deal with that, then everyone else can too. But still – mine! Or not – as the sorry case may be…