The Epiphany, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Not Believe Gypsy Fortune Tellers
Marge's heart swelled with a burning, bittersweet joy.
"I can't believe it. My baby girl's wedding day!"
"Mom, I feel kinda funny wearing white. I mean…
"Oh Millhouse doesn't count!" Marge interrupted, and then giggled.
"Yeah, heh heh," Lisa said, forcing a smile. "Millhouse doesn't count"…oh no! Please, God, no! "Okay…let's see…I've got something old, that's my pearl necklace; something new, that's the wedding dress; something borrowed, that's this antique brooch from Brian's mother; now I just need something blue."
Marge looked up at her enormous bouffant. She grabbed a pair of scissors from the nearby armoire and cut a long strand of wavy blue hair. She handed it to her daughter.
"Oh, thanks mom," she said, hugging her. Marge wiped a tear from her cheek and went to see if Maggie and Eric were ready yet.
Lisa sank to her knees. Its just like she said…
"Isn't there any way to stop this now that I know what will happen?"
"No, but just try and act surprised when it does."
But everthing has been so different. I didn't go to school back east, I didn't meet Brian until my senior year, he likes my family…But then, why is this all happening exactly like the vision?
Eric walked by, and saw Lisa on the floor, crying.
"Lisa? Lisa…what's wrong?"
Lisa looked up. Eric was on his knees next to her. He set his hand on her shoulder. She smiled and sat up, wiping the tears away with her gloved hands. She threw her arms around Eric.
"Nothing, nothing at all!"
"MMMfff!"
"Sorry…sorry. Just…nervous, you know. Too much excitement. I'm okay."
They stood up. Eric walked to the door, gave her a concerned look, then headed downstairs.
Eric's another difference. He wasn't in the vision at all…if she really could look into the future, she'd have seen him! And yet her fears were not silenced.
The wedding was to be held in St. George's Cathedral of the Downtown (Bishop does not know combination to safe). Guest came from Springfield and from every corner of the continent: Distant relatives from Marge's side, Homer's rarely-seen halfbrother Herb, and a distant relative who ran a small shrimp business in Alabama.
Patty and Selma entered the Cathedral, with Artie Ziff ambling along on Selma's arm. The threesome took their seats in the pews on the right side, Lisa's. Patty noticed Edna Krabbappel seated behind them.
"Hey Krabbappel! You get in the way of the bouquet, and I'll ram that sunhat down yer neck!"
Lisa checked her mascara in the mirror. It was minutes before the wedding was to start, and she was already shaking with excitement.
"Ooh la la!" Homer said, leaning in to look.
"Hi Dad!" Lisa said as he stepped in. He took her hands, looking at her with pride and disbelief.
"My little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I've always felt that you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the day you learned to pin your own diapers you've been smarter than me. You taught me how to understand my own wife better and be a better person. But you're also my daughter, and I don't think anyone could've-"
"Dad, you're rambling!"
"See! You're still helping me."
Lisa smiled. Her eyes spied the cufflinks her father wore.
"Dad…didn't you give those to Brian to wear?"
"Oh, yeah, well, I found them on the dresser and…I guess they weren't his cup of tea."
Lisa didn't even reply. She ripped them off his jacket and rushed to find Brian. She dashed about, her dress trailing behind her. She found him in the restroom, washing his hands.
"Lisa! What are you-!"
She shoved the cufflinks in his face.
"Oh, those! I'm so sorry, I must have forgotten them in all the rush!"
He took them and put them on his tux. Lisa stared at him, mouth agape.
"Something wrong, babe?"
"You mean…you want to wear them?"
"Well, they do clash a bit with my buttons, but hey, I'm part of the family now, so if its tradition, who am I to judge? Lisa?"
He looked around. Lisa was nowhere to be seen. He took a step forward, and immediately retracted his foot. Lisa had fainted. Brian immediately propped her up. He patted her on the cheek, then, getting no response, felt for a pulse. It was strong, though rapid. He held his ear to her chest to hear for breathing. He felt Lisa set her hand on his cheek.
"Lisa! You scared me there. I thought the I was going to lose you!"
A tear ran down Lisa's cheek.
"I thought I was going to lose you! Oh Brian, I love you!"
"Me too. We should get married."
Lisa laughed.
They entered the church together. The guests were all standing, and Fr. Sean had just reached the altar with the procession. They stood, a bit embarrassed, waiting for the priest and the altar boys to genuflect and prepare the altar. Brian looked at Lisa for assurance. Then started to walk down the aisle. Bart saw him, rushed from the pew, then stopped, embarrassed, and genuflected hastily, then ran over and started walking alongside him.
"Oh God, my stomach's all in knots. I think I'm going to throw up!" Brian whispered to Bart.
"You should have had a drink or so, steady the old nerves, man."
"Your dad had already drank everything. I'm amazed he's not passed out in the car."
"That'd be all the coffee."
"I see."
They stopped in front of the altar. Brian nodded to the old organist in the choir loft. She acknowledged, then began to play 'Here Comes the Bride'.
'Here comes the bride,
all fat and wide!
See how she wa-addles
From side-to-side!'
'Here comes the groom,
Skinny as a broom,
He'd waddle too if he had any room!' " Bart sang just loudly enough for Brian to hear. Brian smiled, then elbowed the best man in the ribs. Lisa reached the altar, veil over her face. Lisa smiled, her cheeks flaming. She turned and gave Jessica, who had walked with her as maid-of-honour, big, tearful hug. Brian took her hand in his. Lisa set her other hand over his. The knelt down together before the altar.
It came time for the wedding vows.
"Now," Fr. Sean said, "This is the point where you'd expect me to say 'If there is anyone here who knows why these two should not be joined in marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peace', but this is a Catholic wedding, and, in addition to having been given six months to decide, and having to take numerous marriage classes, it is assumed that neither is still married to anyone, or is in anyway unprepared. So, Brian Aug-"
"NOOOOOOOO!" came a scream from the back. Everyone looked up. Millhouse was in the choir loft, his clothes tattered, tears running down his cheeks.
"Lisa! Lisa! Lis-aaaaaah!" he screamed as he fell from the choir loft-there was no glass, as he learned. He rose to his feet, groaning. He shook himself off, and then stormed down the aisle, screaming 'I object!'
"Bloody Hell! I just finished explaining that!" Fr. Sean swore.
"Lisa! Please! Won't you change your mind?"
Lisa was too upset to respond. She began shaking, and hyperventilating.
"Well…" Brian said, sizing up his tipsy adversary, "I thought we were serving alchohol after the wedding." There were a few scattered, feeble chuckles.
"Lisa! Please! I love you! More than this idiot could! Please, I-!" But he wasn't allowed to finish. Lisa slapped him across the face.
"You…selfish…bastard! This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and here yo…! GAAAH! I never loved you! Got it? You were a friend once, but you were just so clingy, and annoying, and couldn't…Take…A…HINT! Go away!"
Millhouse stood there, immobilized with grief. Fat Tony, who was sitting in the front pew, snapped his fingers. Legs and Louie stood. Legs straightened his tie, and Louie cracked his knuckles. They left the pew, Louie drawing his blackjack. He clubbed Millhouse, then he and Legs drug him out. The re-entered a few minutes later. Louie came in, popped his knuckles, then his neck, followed by Legs, who folded up his kerchief and set it in his pocket, straightened his tie, then dipped his fingertips in the Holy Water, blessed himself, and sat down.
The remainder of the Mass went on without incident. Brian and Lisa said 'I do', and everyone applauded. After the marriage rites came the Liturgy of the Eucharist, and Communion. Maggie sang 'Panem Angelicum' during the communion.
After the Mass was ended, the newlyweds did their standard run to the limo, thronged with rice-throwing friends and family. Brian helped Lisa into the car, waved to the crowd, then hopped in.
Brian and Lisa sat for a while, smiling, chuckling here and there. Finally, Brian broke the increasingly awkward silence.
"Well, we did it."