A Satirical Inuyasha Romance

Aislin Oriel

About a half-hour later, Inuyasha emerged from the washroom, instantaneously spawning his good 'ol kimono upon his squeaky clean bod. This time it was a lovely shade of bubblegum pink, staying in the warm hues he so likes. (Last week it was plum purple, and burnt toast orange the week before that. And yes, those are all my trademark colours, as odd as they are.)

When Kagome caught sight of him, she only took slight note of the "kimono-of-many-colours" as she placed the freshly cooled cake on the table before them.

He stared at her expectantly.

"What?" Kagome looked around her, trying to see what he was so focused on.

"…"

"Inuyasha?"

"About the clothes you gave me. I'm afraid they had a little accident and are now ruined." Inuyasha said casually.

"What." Kagome intoned lamely.

"That thing… ate them."

"What thing? I told you to put them in the laundry hamper. It couldn't have possibly ate them," she shook her head at his foolish imagination.

"Well, it didn't quite eat all of them… they got kinda lodged halfway down it's throat. They were wrecked anyways."

"You… you didn't put them where I think you did Inuyasha…" she said suspiciously and bounded up the stairs to find that in fact, yes, he did.

"I told you…" he said nonchalantly. "They couldn't be saved."

She returned with a greatly annoyed expression that she only saved for his special moments like these.

"You put the clothes in the toilet," she stated, not wanting to believe it, but knowing it was true.

"Whatever you call it," he shrugged it off, "Casualties. Better it feed on them than one of you unsuspecting humans…"

"You flushed it too. You even put the clean change of jii-chan's clothes in there!" she exclaimed in disbelief. Sure he had motives for doing it, but she still didn't think he was that anxious to try her temper.

"Feh…"

"Feh! You always say 'feh'! If you didn't want to wear the clothes, you didn't have to. But you also didn't have to destroy them!" She glanced at him, and then took a double-take. He was back in the perfect-lipstick-colour red outfit. Hmm… how odd that it changes like that.

"Hey, it was your stupid idea anyways. You just wanted to parade me around like some freak in human's clothes!"

"News flash, you are a freak, no matter what clothes you wear, you insensitive, unappreciative…" she took a calming breath and closed her eyes, as her temple throbbed with tension.

"I may be a freak, but you don't have to remind me. At least I'm not just someone's mediocre reincarnation!" he said in a childish, mocking tone.

"That's it you-"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't you think this whole 'subduing' thing is getting a little old? I mean, you must really have severe control issues to have to resort to that every time I don't bend to your will. I think you're seriously abusing your power."

"Oh really? I abuse my power? And I'm sure you'd say that I'm the one that always beats on a kid that is less than a tenth my size, when he accurately points out observations about me being a two-timer, or generally anything that gets on my nerves!"

"Eh! Shut up wench! The only reason this damn rosary is on me was to prevent me from killing you when the hag forced us to work together! Now it's just useless since I'd obviously not kill ya," he said evasively.

"Oh really, how can I be sure you wouldn't?"

"Kagome, you don't obviously believe that…" he began exasperatedly.

"What, I mean, why not? Or do you say things to get me angry just so I can say it? Do you have some kind of fetish about being pummelled into the ground?" she asked in annoyance.

"So what if I did?"

0o

"…"

"Okay, so sometimes I don't think before I say things-" he admitted begrudgingly.

"Yeah, that's for sure!"

"-But, you're way too sensitive about stupid things!"

"Oh yeah, like you never appreciating me, calling me names, and making out with a dead woman in front of me and then acting like nothing happened are stupid things!"

'She has a point there Inuyasha.' The annoying voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Sesshoumaru said. That only made him more annoyed.

"Feh! Keh! Meh! Teh… (sputter-nonsense) Making out! I'd hardly say that, since for one, I didn't even kiss her back, and two, well, one should be enough!"

"Alright, so it's okay if Kouga kisses me as long as I don't kiss back?" she asked levelly.

"What? That's out of the question!" Inuyasha looked frantically for a way out of the corner he'd backed himself in, "If he so much as touched you I'd – well… would you really want to do that to Ayame? She's retarded over that wimpy wolf!"

"Nice try, you hypocritical bafoon!"

"Uh…"

Oh no, Inuyasha was baffled by Kagome-vocab.

"Yeah well… you're just dumb."

'Nice one Inuyasha.' This aggravating voice was that of a reprimanding Miroku.

Kagome closed her eyes as her lip and eyebrow began to twitch in unison with each other.

"Uh-oh… uh…"

"Inuyasha…" she prepared herself for it.

Inuyasha decided it was time to engage in Operation: Second Last Resort.

AN: Alrighty, this will be picking up over the next few chapters when the answers to a few or several of these questions will be revealed.

Will Inuyasha ever remove his foot from his mouth? What is the Second Last Resort? What is the First Last Resort? Why has Inuyasha's conscience taken on split personalities of the level-headed males he's been exposed to? Will their commentary ever cease? And just how level-headed is a guy with a shoulder fluff who has nothing better to do than fight pointlessly, and a monk who can't decide what he really wants instead of chasing it away? Will Shippo join the melee?

And in future chapters in the feudal era, will these century-old questions be answered? Does Miroku know any campfire songs? Will Sesshoumaru ever find a constructive pastime? Will Naraku create another insidious plot? Will it involve rock-collecting? In the future Random Insanity abounds! AO