Enigmatic Hatred
By Shade
A/N: I'm trying to be quicker about the updates but it's difficult. I haven't been able to get to a computer again lately and I've also been busy. I've had school, I had an understudy role in the school play and unexpectedly the actor I was understudy for left town and I had to learn my lines and blocking then perform (yeah, I was an understudy for a guy -.- though they did allow me to change the sex of the role...which only caused some minor gender confusion with the lines...), and then of course I bought Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater -. Awesome game. I would still be playing it now but damnit, I got stuck. Why the hell do game makers of the MGS series think they have to add a trick battle. I don't know how to fight a ghost! Stupid Sorrow...and his...telling me to go back to the real world when there's a dead end but space to go forward and a freaking pop up ghost that kills me with one hit and no one helping on the codec, not even a hint AGGGGGGHHH! Sorry, I had to vent.
Squall moaned and shivered. It was unbelievably cold. Where was he? Suppressing a shiver Squall opened his eyes to a gray sky. Why was he here? He paused and was shivering before he realized that it was because he had...well...purposely stepped into the creature. So the next question was 'where was he'? He still couldn't think of an answer. Squall hugged the coat, which had been draped over him, closer to his body. Wait. Coat?
Squall pulled the coat back, studying the off white material. It was long, paler as it was now partially covered with falling snow...but it was unmistakably Seifer's coat...Seifer. "Seifer!" Squall sat straight up. He didn't have to search to spot his former lover crouched in the snow nearby. He was wearing only jeans and a loose fitting shirt. Though the shirt was long sleeved it seemed to be made of very thin material that rustled in the fierce, cold wind. As Seifer looked back Squall winced. He didn't look the same, not well at all. Zell had been right...this was all his own fault wasn't it...? Seifer looked thin, sick, and there was a bluish tinge to his lips, probably due to the cold. "Seifer," He repeated softly. He wanted nothing more than to stand and go to him but something deep down prevented Squall from doing so.
He was relieved when Seifer stood and approached Squall himself "Are you all right?" He asked in a hoarse voice, squatting in the snow nearby, crossing his arms on his knees "Are you cold?"
Squall realized he hadn't answered his first question and nodded "Aren't you?"
"Here," Seifer didn't answer his question but stood and led the way back to where he had been kneeling.
Squall stood shakily, finding snow in every direction. He was lightheaded and consequently fell once several steps away from Seifer. He closed his eyes shut tight then opened them once more to see a hollow in one of the many piles of snow about them. Roots lined the empty space, dead roots but it gave one the idea that the snow would hold if they climbed in. The snow was higher nearby and given that there was still a great deal amount of snow towards the end of the hollow Squall soon realized this was what Seifer had been busying himself with.
He didn't need a hint. Squall slipped his legs in first, bringing Seifer's coat with him as he slid himself completely inside. It was warmed in here, his back touched the wall of the hollow and he felt himself snuggling against it. as if searching for more warmth in the damp whiteness. The answer for more warmth was obvious. Squall looked up and met a pair of jade green eyes just before they darted away "Seifer, don't be an idiot. Come in here. We'll both be warmer."
Seifer hesitated then went to his knees, then stomach, backing in beside Squall. They fit snuggly in the hollow and. It was much warmer now. Squall rolled onto his side and watched Seifer, wishing he would wrap his arms around him. That familiar embrace was always warm, often even hot. "Seifer," He managed at last "Where are we?"
"Where I've been three times now. It's not so bad. Get some rest. I'll get you out soon," He murmured, still lying there on his stomach.
Squall stared at Seifer for a long moment until realization suddenly hit him "You know what's happening," He said accusingly, propping himself up ever so slightly "What's going on?" When Seifer said nothing Squall reached out and shook him "I didn't think you knew much about things before but you've really figured it out. What the hell is going on?" Seifer didn't so much as raise his head and when Squall shook him again he seemed to collapse in his grip "Seifer?" He rolled Seifer onto his side and realized he was shivering in spasms that were almost violent "Idiot, you're going to freeze to death," Squall muttered though his eyes gave away his concern. He draped the coat over both of them and pulled Seifer close against his own body.
"Oh, Seifer," The lean, muscular body he had felt wrapped around him many nights before felt fragile in his arms now. Squall put his hand to the back of Seifer's head and settled his fingers against blonde hair, feeling snow melt against his fingertips "This is all my fault," He murmured though he knew it meant nothing with Seifer unconscious "I'll take care of you from now on Seifer. You'll be all right," Seifer's eyes were closed but his shivering had become less violent. Squall studied everything about his face. At least that was familiar enough. The same lips, nose, eyes...at least while closed...Squall found himself leaning close, as if meaning to kiss the snowflakes from the other other's eyelashes. Instead he hastily pressed Seifer's head to his chest, winding around him almost protectively. Squall stayed awake, resolving to watch over Seifer and keep a look out for now. It seemed Seifer had done the same for him. The way Squall saw it he owed Seifer a great deal "I don't hate you Seifer," He whispered, feeling warmer than he ever thought possible in such weather.
Seifer wasn't sure how much time had passed. He opened his eyes to darkness but for some reason this didn't trouble him. He felt more at ease than he had in ages. There was no forgetting where he was but he wasn't cold. He felt a gentle hand supporting his hand, another absently stroking his back. Seifer lifted his head, realizing it had been buried in Squall's shoulder. His eyes lit up with hope, watching Squall as he stared out of the small hollow where they lie together "...Squall..."
Squall gave a start, quickly pulling his hands back. Seifer felt his heart drop. Of course Squall didn't want him back. He was getting married soon "Come on Squall, we need to get moving," Seifer began to climb out, shakily but much to his surprise Squall pulled him back.
"It's gotten darker. You'll freeze,. You don't even have a coat. No, we're staying here for now," As Seifer pulled further away Squall winced.
"What do you care?" Seifer grumbled, crawling forward again "You can keep my coat. I'll get you back to Rinoa safe and sound."
Squall pulled Seifer back roughly this time, surprised by how easy it was to restrain him in his current state "You're coming back with me. It's not as if I plan on letting you die."
Seifer averted his eyes. Squall had no say in that matter but...Squall..."Are you saying you...care about me again..." Seifer asked slowly, looking up.
This time it was Squall who averted his eyes "Don't be an idiot. I'm still marrying Rinoa. You know that I don't love you Seifer."
Seifer nodded "I know...I just hoped..."
"It was fun for a while Seifer, I'll give you that...But it was wrong...and it's over now," Squall felt more like a mother scolding a persistent child than a former lover. He winced slightly at his own words.
"Fun?" Seifer looked as if he would be sick. He moved as if to leave one last time but again Squall caught him about the waist, holding him still "Let go of me!" Seifer's voice was still firm, the tone one had before they resorted to violence. But Squall wasn't particularly frightened of Seifer right now. He shook his head.
"Wait till it's a little warmer Seifer. I'm not following you just to freeze to death in the middle of nowhere," Seifer went lax then tense beneath his hands. He pounded a fist against the snow, diverting his anger elsewhere.
"Everyone makes me out to be the bad guy. I could have lived without all the damn irony," Squall found Seifer's shoulder's shaking slightly as if he was crying. Squall found himself genuinely surprised and concerned. He reached out to place his hand against Seifer's cheek, pull his back so that he might see his face but Seifer pulled away.
"Don't touch me!" He snarled, backing up, as far away from Squall as possible in the small enclosure "Don't fucking pretend like you care when we both know you don't...at least not enough..."
Squall shook his head again, rolling his eyes "It's not that bad," He muttered, pulling away from Seifer himself. Of course he wasn't sure he believed his own words.
"Not that bad," Seifer repeated, looking away, out into the snow "I had nothing...then I had you...thought I had you...you took that away from me...I had nothing again, even less. I had hope for a while, had some fucking dignity but you took that too. I was an experiment. You couldn't get it up with a woman so you wanted to see how you'd fare with the same sex." Squall brought his hand hard across Seifer's face as the other finished. Seifer moved with the blow, his head going to one side. He opened his eyes once more, slowly, then began to laugh. Squall found himself afraid as Seifer looked to him, his usual smirk twisted and tainted by pain and desperation "Go ahead Squall. I can't drop a whole hell of a lot lower. Do and say whatever you won't now when I wake up I won't bother you again."
Squall's hand was raised, ready to strike Seifer again if need be "You're leaving the garden?"
Seifer nodded "Will you miss me?" The words were scathing, almost mocking but still Squall was sure that the desperation had yet to leave Seifer's face.
Would Seifer forgive him if he said 'yes', dove into the other's arms sobbing? Squall still had his own pride "...No...You've said it yourself, no one would."
"Precisely," Seifer crawled outside without resistance. He stood and Squall found himself following the other out though only part way.
"Are you just going to leave me here then?" Squall asked, keeping his tone angry. The frightened expression upon his face gave him a way.
Seifer smiled, this time genuinely only sad reassurance hiding behind it "No, I'm leading you home."
"We argued this already. It's too cold. I'll freeze," Squall made a point to mention only himself. He still hadn't forgiven Seifer for being so blunt with the truth.
"You can keep my coat. The sun will be out soon. It isn't a long walk, you'll be fine," As Seifer took another step back the clouds shifted and revealed one of the dullest suns Squall had ever seen. Though it was as large as the one their own world orbited on a hot summer day this one provided almost no heat and seemed more blue than orange. The blue tinge about it was cold, as if the massive star itself had frozen over. It provided almost no warmth and Squall found it only created a disturbing, dreary sort of atmosphere.
"How did you know?" Squall shivered and climbed out, slipping the coat on without thinking upon the matter. He hugged this close to his body, reveling in what comfort it offered.
"I told you, I've been here several times now," Snow began to fall lightly now, cascading around Seifer as he began trudging forward.
"You never told me where we were," Squall looked around as he followed and when no answer came his attention was directed towards the coat and the gauzy long sleeves that Seifer wore. He must be freezing "Were you wearing this in your apartment?" He tugged on the collar of his coat as Seifer glanced back.
"No," Seifer's tone was even now. He looked ahead as soon as he had answered.
"Then why did you have it when you came here? All I have is what I was wearing when I was attacked," Squall looked himself over. Beneath Seifer's coat there was the SeeD uniform. "I don't even have my gunblade on me," He hugged the coat close again as Seifer responded.
"Yes you do."
Squall felt a sudden weight at his side and looked down to find his gunblade. He stopped where he stood but Seifer kept going "How...that wasn't..." He looked about wildly and hurried after Squall, coming to his side "Tell me where we are!"
"You know where we are. You should remember this place better than anyone," Seifer looked to Squall with the same smile he had used only moments before "What I can't understand is how you found me."
Squall didn't have time for this. He wasn't making sense "What the hell are you talking about? You were there when I woke up. You found me."
Seifer shook his head "You just appeared at my side. I wasn't looking for you. I didn't even know you were here."
Squall wasn't sure of what to say but deemed nothing would prove worthwhile. Who found who was all in the past. What mattered know was where they were going now "Do you know where you're going?"
"No," Seifer admitted, giving Squall something of a start. he couldn't see the small, albeit warm opening from here. He was sure they would freeze to death out in the open "But I know what I'm taking you to. Only have to keep that in mind."
Squall was about to question Seifer further, perhaps give him a sound throttling for leading him on like this when the sky itself seemed to shimmer. It rippled in one quick wave, becoming a stagnant ocean of sorts. The sky dulled and Squall found himself keeping close to Seifer. He pressed closer against his companion when the other put an arm around his slight, shivering body.
"Squall," The voice was barely more than a whisper. He could feel cold and wind worn lips brush his ear. A hand went to his opposite cheek, tilting his face inward "I'm sorry for everything Squall. Be happy, if that's only possible with Rinoa so be it. I didn't mean to complicate things Squall. I love you," Seifer's lips found Squall's before he could find the words to respond. The kiss was gentle, loving, and sweeter than Squall could have expected from Seifer. It was sudden. He hadn't time to pull away before the world flipped upside down.
"Seifer!" He opened his eyes to a flash of orange. A sudden expanse of scorched and cracked earth. Squall squeezed his eyes shut, held Seifer close, and found he was hugging himself "Seifer!" He shouted again, hair blowing from his face as he spun right side up. A wave of cold and nausea swept over Squall. He doubled over, still hugging himself as he fell to his knees, coughing violently. "Seifer," He repeated, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and rising shakily "Seifer?" His eyes settled upon blonde hair caught in the wind behind a shroud of snow that had begun to fall in abundance. The angle of the shroud was fierce. Squall felt the coat around his body rip to one side, saw the gauzy clothes of the figure on the hill before him do the same, cling to the frame of a wraith like body. The scene seemed so distant as darkness formed before that figure upon the hill. It seemed to become compact, solid. The darkness took the form of a man, taking on the proportions of the one before it. Arms of shadow embraced the other, supported him as he fell back. There was something morbidly beautiful about it, the relief that seemed to course through the elegantly arched body before mouth and eyes opened wide. A sudden, short, restrained cry rushed up from his throat soon silenced by will power then by a great deal of blood. Squall was still taking in the picture as vibrant crimson pooled and crept slowly down the hill.
"This is all my fault,"
Squall urged himself to stir from the sudden shock of everything before him. He stood, shakily at first then with confidence.
"I'll take care of you from now on Seifer. You'll be all right,"
Squall's pale fingers settled about the gunblade, gripping it firmly before he drew his weapon resolutely and charged forward.
A/N: I'm almost finished. Yay! Am I doing well with the cliffhangers? A lot will happen in the next chapter. I hope you'll all be there to read it. This update would have come sooner but during the short time I had the internet in the last few days the update system on was down. I hope I can get this up soon.
In other news I beat MGS3 and have a brand new bishi obsession with Ocelot. In even other news I need a new beta reader but...and this is the tricky part...I can't use e-mail. If you're interested in beta reading any of my work, even one fic please go to This is the only forum I can visit on the blocked computers at school (which is where I have most of my computer access now). From there please private message the user Shade. I understand that this is a lot of work for helping out a...not particularly talented or well known fanfiction author...but it would and will be GREATLY appreciated. I have one beta reader already but she isn't very fond of yaoi and instead of subjecting here to a great deal of that sort of thing I believe I need someone new to help me along. I can't really offer much in thanks. I probably wouldn't be the best beta reader for someone else given my current situation with the internet -.-...but other then that...hmm, I'd be willing to take requests...a fanfiction of the beta reader's choice or that sort of thing...Wow...I really have nothing to offer...Except my love. You know you want my love -;;.
Finally I would like to mention that I am working on several other fics simultaneously with this one since I have the time to write several chapters before I get the chance to update. These fics include two Seifer/Squall works.
Waking the Dead: An odd adaptation of "Return of the Living Dead". Seifer and Squall have been together for some time without much thought to romance. Without so much as an "I love you" from Seifer it takes the death of his better half for him to realize exactly what he had. To what lengths will he go to get that back?
Salvaging an Angel: Squall has never been very popular or well liked. When some childish bully goes to far it's one of those who hurt him who saves his life. Does that really change things between them or should Squall reveal what really happened?
All dramatic sounding. What I need now is someone with the movie trailer voice and I'm all set. Please continue reviewing. I appreciate everyone who has done so. It makes writing worth while to know what you think.