Enigmatic Hatred By Shade
A/N: I am so sorry this took so long! I had school then I was out of town...then I got a lot of new stuff like a new video game, some new books, and new set of tarot cards...all of which took up their own portion of my time. I hope I haven't lost any readers. I'll try to finish this fic up as soon as possible, i.e. I'll devote my down time to it until it's finished...which shouldn't take to long...
Dear Squall,
I've never been good at writing letters. I guess that's why I didn't even leave a note last time.
I guess I'm not quite as smart as I had liked to think I was when we were classmates huh?
I'd never even thought of myself as a niave person until this happened. I had honestly believed
at one point that things might work out between us. I was wrong. I suppose I'm not as strong
as I had liked to think either because I can't take this anymore. Even if I can't have you I wish you
nothing but happiness with Rinoa. But seeing you two married would be a far more painful
death for me than I have any will to take.
I am confident that either you or Zell will find this as no one else will have any reason to visit me. The most I can hope now is that this isn't too much of an inconvenience, especially with the wedding. The blame falls on no one but myself. I love you Squall and I always will. I couldn't choose to fall in love no more than I can choose to give you up and certainly no more than you could make your self love me back.
I'm sorry,
Seifer
He must have read that letter over twenty times by now. It was all he had to do, sitting outside the nurses office and leaning against the wall. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He couldn't do much but panic and cry. Everyone was here to see this too but he hadn't given them a second thought. Zell was sitting relatively near Squall though he said nothing. Selphie sat at his side, forcing herself to stay quiet. The silence was broken by rushed footsteps. Quistis and James looked up from where there had been sitting, staring at the floor. Rinoa had arrived. Perhaps now wasn't the best time.
"Squall I just heard!" She was about to kneel in front of him but Squall stood to meet her instead. She clasped his hands, causing him to drop the letter "Are you okay? I know you didn't like him but this is still hard right?" She embraced Squall but as she craned her neck to kiss him he pulled back and kneeled down to quickly snatch up the note again. Rinoa gave him a baffled look. As he stood once more she did her best to give him a second kiss "It's okay Squall. I..." She was silenced as he pushed her back to arm's length.
"Rinoa...I can't...I'm sorry I-" The words got lost in his thought. He had neither the concentration nor the energy to say this "...can't do this..."
Her expression seemed to drop from slight concern to one of apprehension "What do you mean?"
"You deserve better than this. Someone who hasn't been lying to you," He realized that all his friends were watching now and he made a point to lower his voice though he was aware everyone was still able to hear him "...I'm in love with Seifer..." Zell smiled slightly in relief while Selphie and Quistis merely appeared puzzled. It took a few moments for Rinoa to sort out his words and as this news sank it she took it upon herself to punch him. Squall fell back against the wall as the blow took him offgaurd. Well he had deserved that "I'm sorry."
Rinoa shook her head and pulled him away, out of earshot of the others "Now you tell me this! After we'd planned a wedding? You do still love me don't you?"
Squall paused. He had been through a lot with Rinoa. He did care for her and did love her but no more than he loved Zell or Quistis. Regardless he nodded. Telling her no would be too cruel now.
"Then it's settled," Rinoa said, bowing her head slightly in thought "We'll just postpone the wedding and give you time to sort things out."
This wasn't working the way he had planned. Squall winced "No...Rinoa...you don't understand...I..." Well this was going well. He took a breath, unable to deal with all this right now "I love Seifer!" That seemed to freeze her. Squall pulled away, unsure of what to say now
Rinoa had every right to be angry but now she appeared furious. After all these years Squall wasn't particularly surprised. "You could be kicked out of the garden for this. You proposed to me. You just admitted you still love me," She hissed "Besides, Seifer's dying what was the point in telling me this now. It's..." Squall had slapped her. She stared at him for a long moment and certainly didn't take back what she had said. She was about to say more but he merely put his head back to her.
Squall knew he should have apologized for that but he couldn't bring himself to. He couldn't think straight at the moment but what she had just said had certainly struck a nerve. Instead of going after her he merely headed back to the infirmary door. He couldn't take waiting here any longer. Squall pushed the door open only to be greeted by one of Dr. Kadowaki's nurses. She looked startled to see him there and slightly pained. Squall read her expression and immediately shook his head, denying the news that was to come.
"I'm sorry"
-
Edea smiled to herself. Perhaps she shouldn't be so...well...relieved but she simply couldn't help it. The danger was gone from Balamb. She took a seat next to her husband and kissed him. Cid looked up from the papers on his desk and returned the smile "So Squall saved the day again hmm"
"Seifer too. We owe him an apology," Edea knew how embaressed her husband must be. He had only made the school's problems worse this time.
"It seems a bit too late for that doesn't it?" Cid's attention returned to his papers and Edea sat still once more.
"Not quite. Energy cannot be destroyed only displaced and in need of another conductor. Once Ultimacia passed on the power she left behind was no exception, right"
Cid looked back up and gave a minimal shrug which finally became a half nod of sorts. No one person had been able to contain all that energy. It had been the power itself that had killed them. It took some longer than others but they had all suffered the same fate in the long run...at least until now that was.
She gave her husband a reassuring kiss on the cheek before standing and moving to the window. "Well if that is the case then it would be hypthosis that it would be quite hard to separate this energy as well wouldn't it"
Her husband smiled thoughtfully to himself and nodded once more. This time the motion was much more noticeable "I hope you're right."
Squall didn't wait for the shock to pass. He rushed past the nurse and into the emergency wing. Another nurse rushed to stop him but Dr. Kadowaki shook her head, stepping back from the bed she stood beside. The nurse followed her lead and stepped back as well. Squall found it hard to breath as he stopped beside the sheet draped mattress. Beneath it the shape of a person was outlined. It took all Squall's energy to bring a shaking hand to the corner of the sheet and pull it back. His movements were slow and when at last he dropped the fabric at the figure's shoulders he collapsed over Seifer. He was only faintly aware of everyone leaving the room and all the more conscious of the fact that he couldn't stop crying.
"It shouldn't have been like this," He wrapped his arms around Seifer's body and pulled him close, kissing his neck then chest. The figure in his arms felt much too fragile, nothing like the Seifer he remembered. That too was his fault "I'm so sorry Seifer," He sobbed, pulling the sheet back a bit more so that he could reach Seifer's arms. His wrists had stopped breathing and had been bandaged but clearly not in time. Seifer hadn't broken his promise. What Squall had done had been inexcusable. He knew that now more than ever. He should have been there. This wouldn't have happened if he had just told Rinoa sooner. If anyone had broken a promise it had been him.
Squall put a hand to Seifer's cheek. His skin was cool and as Squall ran a hand through thick blonde hair he had the urge to follow his lover. This wasn't Seifer anymore was it? If the cowards way out was good enough for Seifer it was more than good enough for him "All right," He said, more to himself then to the body below him. Perhaps suicide was too good for him. Perhaps living on alone was his punishment. Regardless he couldn't bring himself to pull away, not right now anyway. "I love you Seifer," He said softly, leaning in to kiss him. The kiss was empty. Squall hadn't expected much else. His lips stung as he pulled back and his eyes quickly followed suit.
At least he had been able to tell Seifer he loved him, right? It didn't seem like enough. He should have told him earlier. Hell, he should have told him every day. Suddenly changing his mind and gathering the courage to admit the truth then had come too late.
Squall laid down beside Seifer, resting his head upon his chest as he had slept beside him while he was still alive. Only now he didn't hear Seifer's heart beating nor was he kept warm, wrapped in the other's arms.He had had his chance. He had allowed this to happen. Once Seifer had practically been at his beck and call. Now he wanted nothing more than to hear his voice again and no amount of begging was going to make that happen here. He could almost feel Seifer's arms closing around him as they always had, holding him near.
"Squall"
He paused. He was losing it. He could swear he heard Seifer's voice but that was impossible and the notion of that only made him cry harder. He buried his face on the shoulder of the body beneath him, clutching it closer himself.
"Damnit, stop that. You're hurting me"
Squall pulled back, startled and looked down. Seifer was still lying there. He winced. Had he imagined that?..This was too painful...Why was he doing this to himself? He began to cry harder.
"Shh," A hand weakly took his own hand "My ears are ringing, shh, not so loud"
This time he knew he had heard something "Seifer"
The blonde opened his eyes drowsily "I said 'shh'...I don't feel so hot"
Indeed he was speaking.Squall snatched his wrists up and ripped the bandage from one just in time to see a fresh wound fading to an old scar. "Oh, Hyne, Seifer," Squall gasped, kissing his wrist and pressing his hand to his cheek. He was still crying but only out of relief now. It was as if he had been drowning and at last come up for air.
Seifer seemed to realize what was going on because he quickly pulled Squall down and against him, glancing cautiously to the door "...Be quiet...I don't want anyone in here just yet"
"W-what happened?" Was all Squall managed "I thought you were...dead..." The notion proved difficult to say and it was harder still to cease crying and clutching at Seifer to get a audible sentence out.
Seifer paused "I was," He concluded at last. "I only remember...well..." He nodded to his wrist "Then it felt a lot like time compression again...only much, much different"
Squall could tell that he was tired and confused. He was probably nervous Squall might think him insane but that certainly wasn't the case. Squall urged him on with a nod. Anything Seifer had to say he, well, wanted nothing more than to hear it. As long as Seifer was speaking he knew he was here.
A/N: This would have been published sooner...but then I fell through a roof...into the linen closet. Not going to explain...but it hurt...both my pride and me. -.-. .;;.