Chapter 2

"Steven, this is so stupid," complained Jackie.

"Hey, this is a simple precautionary measure which should be employed on any item Kelso has fixed."

"But – oven mitts?"

"You'll thank me later. OK, Jacks – let me just put my protective sunglasses on – right, turn it on."

Jackie clumsily turned on the hair dryer through the oven mitt as the basement gang watched warily from the sidelines. The dryer purred into action, prompting a "YEAH, Alright!" from Kelso. Jackie was just about to turn to Steven with a smug "I told you so" when a spray of sparks burst from the appliance. Jackie yelped, dropping the hair dryer onto the floor while Eric, standing by with the fire extinguisher, moved in for the kill. She instinctively moved into the safety of Hyde's arms.

"Michael, what the hell happened?" Jackie blasted.

"I don't know. It should have worked. Although that fireburst was awesome!"

"Michael, you just get dumber every year," Jackie said angrily.

"Well, there's no need to be insulting," Kelso said, taking offence.

"It's not an insult. It's a fact. Three years ago you could have fixed that machine. I remember when we first started going out you fixed my television for me. A year later you actually improved that computer game of Eric's."

"The shorter paddles?"

"Exactly! Even back in elementary school you were one of the smartest kids in your class. But nowadays you couldn't outwit a goldfish. What happened to you?"

"You know," Eric chimed in thoughtfully, "the demon does make a good point. I remember when we were kids Kelso used to win all those math prizes."

"Eric," Kelso said warningly, "Stifle, will ya – hotness and math do not go together." Eric continued, disregarding his friend.

"I guess the first time I can remember Kelso engaging in the kind of behaviour that has now made him a legend of dumbness was when he was 10 and he taped 30 firecrackers to his butt so he could beat the Apollo mission to the moon."

"That would have worked if they didn't make clothes so flammable," Kelso defended himself. "It would have been so cool – Neil Armstrong would step out of the space capsule and I'd be standing there. Instead of "one leap for mankind" everyone around the world would hear "BURN!"

After the laughter died down, Jackie returned to the main issue. "So something happened when you were 10 that started you on this downward slide. Oooh, a mystery! Don't worry, Michael, my keen detective instincts will solve this riddle. I feel just like Nancy Drew!"

"Oh, how I would like to feel Nancy Drew," dreamed Fez. "She can solve my mystery anytime."

Jackie led Kelso to the couch, motioned for him to lie down as she sat in Hyde's chair, leaning forward in full analyst pose. "So what major things happened to you when you were 10, Michael?"

"Well, the Hendersons got a new dog. Casey broke my swing set. Ummm, I got a really bad hair cut…"

"How bad?" pounced Jackie.

"We're talking pudding basin. Man, that messed me up for a couple of months."

"Interesting, but I feel there is something more," Jackie mused.

"Don't forget that was the year of one of the major experiences of our boyish lives," Eric contributed. "Remember, Hyde, you first stole Edna's stash that summer and shared it with us."

"You guys started when you were 10?" Jackie asked incredulously.

"No, of course not," Hyde reassured her. "Kelso was 10, we were 9."

"Oh my God, that's it! One of the school counsellors was lecturing on the harmful side effects of pot use in Health yesterday, and one of those side effects was it can decrease your intelligence."

"Damn education," grumbled Hyde, seeing trouble for himself ahead. "Jackie, the problem with that little theory is Eric and I started at the same time and we're not morons like Kelso – no offence, Man."

"One of the points the counsellor made was that it affects people differently – it can make you stupid," Jackie waved to her patient on the couch, "or unco-ordinated and bad at sports" with a gesture to Eric "or paranoid, Mr Government's-out-to-get-me," Jackie finished with a pointed look at Hyde. "Plus, the younger you start the stronger the effect is."

"That is the craziest theory I have ever heard," derided Hyde. "So what, I'm to blame for all my friends' faults? What did the stuff do to Fez, was he American before he first smoked?"

"Fez only started a couple of years ago and he's not as into it as you guys," Donna spoke up. "Actually, there could be something in what Jackie says. I've read some newspaper articles about studies done on teenagers that have come to similar conclusions."

"Thank you, Donna," Jackie said triumphantly. "Wow, this is a real breakthrough."

"I'm not buying it," Kelso said. "What, I'd be some genius if I had never lighted up? How can you prove that?"

"Easy," Jackie replied. "Give up the "film" – if you get smarter, then that proves I was right."

"Hold on just a minute," Hyde interjected. "Give it up? Are you crazy? You can't ask somebody to give up one of life's greatest pleasures just to prove a half-baked theory. Kelso's not going to do it!"

"My theory is perfectly legitimate, as you will be forced to admit a month from now when Kelso out guesses you at Jeopardy," Jackie retorted.

"Ha! He'd need a brain transplant to get past the first round."

"Hey," Kelso said. "I'm right here, Man."

"Fine," Jackie said, narrowing her eyes. "How about we make a little wager, then? If you are so sure you are right."

"What terms?" Hyde replied, his ears pricking at the word "wager".

"If Michael is more intelligent one month from now after giving up toking, you have to take ballroom dancing lessons with me."

Hyde paled at the thought, as his friends drew in their breaths sharply at the prospect. "And what's in it for me?"

Jackie squared her shoulders. "I will put up that thing you have been trying to wager me into since we first started up."

"Oooh, the love slave pact," Fez said in delight. "Sexy."

"Steven!" Jackie reproached angrily.

"What is said in the circle stays in the circle, Fez," Hyde warned. Hyde considered his girlfriend's bargain. Sure, the price was high but the reward would be the culmination of his favourite fantasies. Plus the notion that Kelso could ever be more than a good natured space cadet was pretty far fetched. "Deal!" he said.

"Hey, don't I get a say in this?" Kelso cried.

"No. Sorry, man, but I'm cutting you off for a month. No circle, no stealing my stash, you can't even sniff our clothes. And it's no use looking for another supplier, because it's a small town and I'll put the word out against you. Plus you'd probably make a mess of it and end up getting arrested. Amateurs are hopeless at buying pot," he finished with a pointed look at Jackie.

"It's for your own good, Michael," Jackie comforted him. "You'll see. Once you get back your natural smarts you can become a detective on the force and solve mysteries like Colombo."

"Can I be like Starsky and Hutch instead? Their convertible kicks ass!"

"Sure," Jackie agreed.

"Alright then, I'll do it!"