Pacey sat nervously in the restaurant's lobby. It was just before 6:30, but he had this huge fear that Joey wasn't going to show up. That she had somehow managed to work things out with Dawson and decided to stay with him. That she was toying with him, as a sort of revenge for the past, for what he did to her. But then she saw her stroll gracefully through those front doors, as beautiful as ever. He stood up, "Joey, you look absolutely ravishing."
"Thank you very much Pacey. You look dashing." They walked up to the matre'd, "Reservations for Josephine Potter."
"This way please."
After they were seated, Pacey said, "You know Jo, I was slightly worried that you wouldn't show up."
"Of course I'd be here Pacey. I couldn't do that to you, or anyone. Besides, I wanted to see you again before I leave for LA."
"Wait, leave for LA?"
"Yes Pacey, that's where I live. Well, at least until I can get all of my stuff moved to Montana."
"Montana?"
"Yes, like most Hollywood moguls, we have two homes, and the one in Montana is the one that I love, so that's the one that I want."
"When are you leaving?"
"In a few days."
"So soon?"
"I have to Pace. I have to get things straightened out."
After dinner, Pacey and Joey stood outside the restaurant, holding hands. Pacey was the first to speak, "Where are you staying?"
"At the Plaza."
"Nice place."
Joey smiled, "Only the best."
Pacey didn't want this to be how things ended between them, "Can you come over for some coffee?"
Joey smiled, "I'll ask if I can."
Pacey laughed.
"Sure, I'd love to."
They pulled up to Pacey's house and went inside. "Joey, make yourself comfortable. I'll get the coffee."
Joey sat on the sofa and noticed that the box of pictures was still sitting on the floor. Once again, memories of the past came flooding back to her.
A few minutes later, Pacey returned carrying two mugs of coffee. He saw Joey looking at the box of pictures on the floor. He had meant to put them away earlier, but had obviously forgotten. She looked like she was thinking about something. She didn't even notice when he sat down next to her. He sat down the mugs, "Joey?"
Once again, he had startled her, "Pacey. Sorry. You have a nice place here. I don't think I mentioned that this morning."
"Thanks Jo. Can I ask what you were thinking about just now?"
"Just remembering the past. That's all."
"Is that what you were thinking about this morning too?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"What made you cry?"
"You weren't supposed to see me cry."
"But I did. And you were holding a certain picture. It was the one taken at the Leery's restaurant just before Andie left. What was it about that picture?"
Joey desperately tried to hold back her tears, "Oh Pacey, it's everything about it. We were so happy. Jen was finding that there was life beyond Henry. Jack, well Jack was still trying to decide where he fit in. Andie had just been accepted to Harvard and was leaving for a semester in Italy. You and Dawson were finally being civil. And, you and me, we were in love. I was so happy, and I had always thought you were too. I thought we'd be together forever." Tears began to stream down her face, "If only we'd known how things would turn out in the end."
Pacey picked up the box, "I'll be right back. I'm going to put this away." When he returned, he sat next to Joey and put his arms around her shoulders. At the same time Joey rested her head in the crook of his neck. It all felt so right. Why had he ever let her go? "Joey, I'm really sorry about everything, I truly am. I told you that earlier."
"I know that Pacey, but that doesn't change anything. The past, as much as I wish possible, can't be erased and rewritten."
"Believe me, I know that more than anyone. Everyday I wish I had acted differently. But, I have to ask, what would you change? Would you have prevented us ever being together? If it makes you feel any better, I was always happy with you Joey. I've always loved you."
"Never, I would have erased the day you left, and every miserable day since then. Did you ever try to find me? Try to change things?"
"A couple of times," okay, so it was more than a couple times, but she didn't really need to know that…at least not right now she didn't. "The first time was about six months later. It was during the summer. I went back to Capeside for Dougie's wedding. Can you believe he married a beautiful woman? They have three great kids now. And they love their Uncle Pacey."
"All kids love you Pacey. And you know that you were the only one who thought he was gay."
"I know, I know. Anyway, I thought that maybe you would be home for the summer. I checked around, but no one had seen you."
"It was a long time before I returned home. It hurt too much. Everything reminded me of you. It was just too hard," she looked away from Pacey for a slight moment before asking, "And the second time?"
"It was about five years ago," his conversations with Jen had become less frequent since then, it had gotten to be too depressing. "I found Jen and she informed me that you and Dawson had been married," okay, so he'd known about the wedding before he went to Capeside, but he had secretly denied that is had happened. "She gave me your number and suggested that I still call you," every time they talked she suggested that, "that you'd love to hear from me."
"She was right. It would have been great to know that you were alive and well." Joey wondered why Jen had never mentioned talking to Pacey…she'd have to ask next time they talked.
"Yeah, I thought about that too. I kept the number around for a while. All I could think was, she doesn't need me back in her life to complicate things. She has Dawson, she's happy."
"You still should have called."
"Actually, I did, once. Dawson answered the phone and I didn't know what to say, so I hung up."
"Oh Pacey, it seems as if we've both had the wrong idea all these years. But, lets not think about that now. Lets watch some TV."
"Sounds like a good idea," Pacey flicked on the TV and surfed the channels until he found an old black and white sitcom. He relaxed against the couch, and Joey cuddled closer to him. He reached around and grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and gently wrapped it around them.
"Hey Jo. I have a great idea. How about you stay here until you leave."
"Pacey, that's not necessary. I invaded your home last night, I can't and won't again tonight."
"Please, it'll save you money."
"Um, Pace, in case you haven't noticed, I don't need the money."
"But what if I just needed an excuse for you to stay?"
"Fine, but I'm going to sleep on the couch. I won't steal your bed again."
"You deserve to sleep in a nice, warm bed. I won't have it any other way." Pacey put on a putting, cute puppy dog face that he knew she couldn't resist.
"Fine, I'll take the bed," Joey said in a huff.
It wasn't long before Joey was sound asleep. Pacey waited a while longer before slipping from her grasps, as much as he didn't want to, he knew they'd both be sore in the morning if he didn't. She stirred slightly but remained asleep. Ever so carefully, Pacey bent over and picked her up, moving her to his bed. No sooner did he have the blankets up around her that she cuddled into the covers and pillows.
Pacey pulled up the chair that sat in the corner of his room and just watched her sleep. Suddenly, he was remembering the day that he left her. It was early in the fall, about a month after classes had started. If you combined senior year and their first year of college, they'd been dating for about 2 years and Joey had begun talking more and more about commitment and living together. Even though, in most aspects, that's what they'd been doing for the past year, he just couldn't do it. She hated the dorms, and as a sophomore, she was no longer required to live there. But he had convinced her, much to Bessie's delight, to stay there at least for the fall semester. He didn't mind the idea of sharing and apartment with her. It was just that he knew as soon as they were officially living together, she'd start talking about marriage. Unlike most guys his age, he wasn't afraid of getting married. It was just that, no matter how much he really wanted to, he felt couldn't marry Joey. He knew that was terrible to say about the woman that he loved, but that's why he said it, because he loved her. He knew that he'd only pull her down in life, when she could be out there accomplishing anything she wanted. He'd thought about it a lot, and knew that leaving town was the best for both of them. Without seeing each other, it would be easier to move on. They had spent the night together in her room, and he left before she woke up in the morning. He left a single yellow rose, her favorite, with a note attached lying on her desk. He could still remember what the note said:
Joey,
This is good-bye. I've left town and never plan on returning. I don't know where I'm going, so don't try to find me. Don't count on me calling either. If I ever get where I'm going, I might call if I remember, but I doubt it.
Pacey
He had tried to keep the letter short and to the point, in an effort to make her hate him. If she hated him, it would be easier for her to let him go. He'd kept in touch with Jen, talking to her on the phone, but for the longest time, he wouldn't tell her where he was.
The first time he called was about a week after leaving. Jen had never been afraid to be truthful with him, that's why he talked to her; he also knew that she could also keep a secret. He could remember the first time they talked.
"Jen
Lindley please."
"This is Jen."
"Hi Jen. Are you
alone right now?"
"Um…yeah, why? Who is this?"
"It's
Pacey."
"Ohmigod! Pacey. How are you? Where are
you? Have you talked to Joey?"
"One question at a time
Lindley. I'm fine. I can't tell you where I am.
And no, I haven't talked to Joey."
"You should really call
her Pacey. She misses you."
"Has she said that she
misses me?"
"No, but she cries herself to sleep every night.
She stays in her room all of the time."
"She wasn't supposed
to miss me. She's supposed to hate me."
"What did you
expect Pacey! You were her life. She can't stand not
being near you. And she hates not knowing where you are.
She doesn't know what she did wrong…to make you hate her…make
you leave."
"It wasn't her fault. It's all about
me. I'm not good enough for her, she deserved
better."
"Pacey, in the eyes of Joey, there's no one better
than you. Even after all of this, she still believes that.
So Pacey, why exactly did you call?"
"I'm not sure. I
guess I wanted to hear that she hates my guts and is glad to be rid
of me."
"Well, obviously you're not going to hear that,
because it's a lie."
"I know that now. I need to go
Jen. Thanks for talking to me."
"Bye Pacey, are you
going to call again?"
"Um..yeah, probably. Bye."
He had been kind of glad to hear that Joey missed him, but that also meant she was hurting. He didn't want her to be hurting.
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