She's out of my life
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. I borrowed all Crossing Jordan characters and plots from Tim Kring and will return it after having some fun. The song "She's Out Of My Life" is from the wonderful Josh Groban. The additional lyrics are lent from Benny Goodman's "It Had To Be You".
Spoiler: Setting after "Secret and Lies, Part 2" (Season 1)
Genre: General, drama, Songfic
Characters/ Pairing: Garret/Lily
Rating: K
Content: Lily has just left Boston and Garret. And Garret slowly realized what he had and now had lost. It takes place right after "Secret and Lies, Part 2".
Note (1): This story is my first one in English language, and I have to thank garretelliot and jmkw for their big help! All mistakes you find now belong to me – sorry for this in advance!
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
As the Greyhound bus started the engine and drove out of the parking lot, Garret watched it leave. Deep in thought he hardly realized how the tail lights grew smaller and smaller until the bus turned the corner.
The bus was gone. And so was she.
Gone. Out of his life.
Vanished.
Maybe forever.
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
He didn't know how to feel about this. Should he be happy for her? Happy that she's moved on, could move on.
Or should he cry? Be sad? Sad, because she left him, because there wasn't any space left for him in her life.
He didn't know.
And it cuts like a knife
she's out of my life
Suddenly he felt very empty. He was confused and this chaos in his mind threatened to beat him down.
It knocked the stuffing out of him, leaching him completely.
Slowly, he went to his car, got in it to drive back to the morgue. A morgue that won't be the same anymore.
Something will be missing.
Her.
Lily.
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
Arriving at the Coroner's Office, he parked his car in his parking lot and took the elevator upstairs. It was then, when he suddenly realized that it was his fault that she left. It wasn't her brother's fault, who wanted to move on. It wasn't her mother's fault, who needed her help and it wasn't that Lily just wanted to leave Boston.
No. It was his fault. He abandoned her. After everything that had been between them and could have been in the future, he just left her alone.
Left her alone because he couldn't help but leave.
Left her alone, because he had no clue how to react. How to treat her better. How to …
No!
He cursed himself, badly, but he couldn't change anything.
No longer…
It was too late.
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
On his walk toward his office, he became slower; slower and more pensive. He didn't notice the change, but noticed the odd looks and whispering of his colleagues and employees. But it didn't bother him.
As if in trance, he reached Lily's old office and entered.
He walked to her old desk and ran his hand over the back of the chair, remembering her sitting there and welcoming him with her lovely smile every time he entered. She was the light in this dark world, hope in a hopeless world of death.
Sitting down, he leaned back and looked around. He wondered how someone so vibrant could have worked in this sterile, cold place. It was unbelievable even for him …
Lily could, she never complained.
Seeing the file laying on the desk he picked it up, remembering what she looked like sitting here making notes in the files. He could smell her perfume; see the light from the window shining on her hair like a halo.
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands
He couldn't stay any longer in this room. He turned the file upside down, abruptly stood up and left the room.
He couldn't stay. Not, if she wasn't there. Not, if everything reminded him of her, made her presence real.
Actual… but past.
She was gone.
He had to let her move on. And it wasn't up to him, if she ever returned.
So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
It was his fault that she left. He was the only one responsible for this. He and his damnable behaviour toward her.
Why had he abandoned her?
Why?
To have some fun with his ex, Maggie? For old times sake?
Because he was her boss and she was his employee?
Because it was unprofessional, to hook up with her?
He knew that he was much more to her than her boss. For so long… for too long.
He could have had her, loved her and could have been happy with her. He screwed it up and now that he realized what she was to him, that he needed her and not Maggie, her feelings for him had died.
When was the time, when he started to distance himself from her? When he started to ignore her? Ignore her until there was nothing left to be ignored, until she was out of his life. Maybe forever.
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late
He never realized what she had done for him. That she had let him go, so that he could get along with his daughter Abby. And with Maggie …
With his Ex, who suddenly became very important for him again, who seemed to be important for him. Or maybe not …
He had broken up with Maggie long before Lily became part of his life. And long before Lily did, what maybe became her biggest withdrawal, her hardest decision ever: She had let him go, to become certain of his feelings.
And what did he do?
He had taken the chance. Taken too long.
Taken, until it was too late.
Suddenly, he realized how hurt Lily must have been, how sad she looked during the past weeks.
He never realized how she suffered. Her presence was the only thing he had noticed in the beginning.
And her waiting for him maybe. Waiting for him, to come back to her after becoming sure of his feelings. At least that's what she wrote in her farewell letter.
But she was only a human being and could not wait forever, would not.
She'd waited for so long. Waited for his sign. Those signs to show her, that there was still a chance for them, that he returned her feelings.
The signs never came.
Now it was too late.
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
"Garret?"
"Out. Leave me alone, Jordan!"
Alone.
Yes, that's what he was.
He slammed his office door, closed the roller shutter and took one of his Benny Goodman LPs. "It had to be you. I wandered around and finally found somebody who could make me be true."
Benny was so very right.
It had to be Lily. She'd managed to get him out of his weariness. She'd been the one to show him what living, loving means.
Damned Indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep Inside
He never told her, never showed her how much he really cared about her, how she'd helped him become the man he was. That he was scared. Scared of life, scared of the future, scared of being alone and – scared of a relationship.
He had been too proud to tell her that he liked her, that she was more than a co-worker or a friend.
He had been too proud to tell her that he didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to stay. Not only as his colleague, not only because of him, but because of them. If there'd ever been a 'them'again.
But he wasn't a man who could talk about things like that, about his feelings.
And he didn't want to be.
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life
Sometimes he just hated himself for this.
For hurting himself with his stubbornness, with his hesitation, his indecision.
Hurting himself and the ones who were important to him.
The end
Note2: "She's Out of My Life" was written by Tom Bahler. It was first recorded in 1980 by Michael Jackson. "It Had to Be You" was written by Isham Jones and is still recorded and produced by many, many jazz musicians to this day. In fact, Rosemary Clooney, Miguel's real life mother, recorded a version of it back in the 1950's. (Thanks to jmkw for this additional information)