When All Other Lights Go Out
A/N: AU. Just a short lil sappy fic I thought of while reading H/L fics on here. This will probably be the only chapter, and the song is "Be My Escape," by Relient K. Takes place a year after RotJ.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything… well… that was boring…
Summary: Who can Leia turn to when all other lights go out? With Luke dead, Leia is nothing but an empty shell. The constant bickering of her and Han finally gets to her, and thinking she has no one, Leia contemplates suicide…
I've given up on giving up slowly,
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate
It's been three months, 4 days, and 19 minutes since Luke died… but it's not like I'm counting or anything… After he died in my arms, I was lifeless. Han decided to take me to Naboo, so I could get my life back together. I refused. I had nothing left but my work, and besides… the Rebellion needed me.
Han understood, of course. We bought ourselves an apartment on Coruscant, where I could do my work. He had his own bedroom, I had mine. The memory of my beloved brother dying in my arms haunted me, and I couldn't plague Han with that.
We were celebrating mine and Luke's one-year anniversary of brother and sisterhood. It may sound crazy, but on that very day a year earlier Luke had told me we were twins. I told him profusely that it was a cause to celebrate, and that the two of us should go out somewhere, just me and him. He was a little skeptical at first, but after almost 10 minutes of begging, he finally gave in. Han grunted about it when I told him, because he wasn't invited, but he eventually gave us his "permission," and told us to be extremely careful. With Luke being a Jedi knight, I knew I would be okay. Luke would protect me.
We got to the restaurant a little early, but we were soon seated at a table. It may have looked like a date, but we had planned to talk about our family over dinner. There was so much I wanted to know about my birth parents, and Luke knew it all. He had just come back from a long mission, but not one given to him from the Rebellion. He went on a self-discovery mission. He traveled from planet to planet, searching for any clues about our family, and sadly, he came across none. Right when he was going to give up, a voice spoke to him, mentioning a planet called Naboo. He found all the answers he was looking for in a little old woman, and a little old man. A couple, from what it seemed like.
He told me wonderful stories about a young woman named Padme Amidala, who was supposedly our mother. These people knew her very well, and come to find out they were her parents. Right when Luke was about to tell me about our father, and what he was like before, he was jerked from his chair, and I was hit with a blaster in my shoulder. I screamed, and everything went blurry.
Despite the pain, I screamed, "Luke!" No answer. So I tried again, and no answer. I blinked several times, hoping to get my vision back, and then I saw it: red lightsaber against green lightsaber. We were still in the restaurant, but it was deserted. I watched in horror as Luke battled it out with a remaining imperial. Obviously, he had some sort of Jedi training, and his lightsaber must have been given to him by someone. I was so confused I could barely focus. Then, at the time of a moment's panic, I called out one last time.
"LUKE!" He turned to look at me, and at that very moment the red lightsaber pierced his chest, going straight through. I screamed no, but it did me no good. With the last strength he had, Luke sliced the imperial's head clean off his shoulders. I gasped, and tried not to pass out. I crawled over to Luke, and held his head in my lap. He was dead.
I still can't recall ever crying. I just whispered to myself over and over again: "It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault." Han eventually came to find me, after an hour or two. Luke and I were supposed to be home already, and Han, being the worrywart that he is, freaked. I remember him slowly walking in, seeing me hunched up in a corner. I was in the fetal position, just slowly rocking back and forth. He gasped when he saw Luke's dead body lying just a few feet away from me, and immediately rushed to my side. I stared at him for a few seconds, before turning away. I hadn't said a word.
I'm giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
Han worked far more than I did. He was constantly being sent on missions, and ordered me to stay home. He always came back as soon as he could, but that ended up being weeks at a time. I sat at home, hardly saying a word, hardly eating. I just sat with my thoughts, trying desperately to cheer myself up. I would miss Luke, Han, Chewie, and everything and everyone else I have ever lost in my life. Yes, technically I hadn't lost Han, but I could feel it coming. How did he expect me to cope with him being gone all the time? I dwelled on the subject for days, growing angrier by the second. Finally, the time came for Han to come home, and let's just say I didn't greet him with open arms…
"Leia? I'm home sweetheart!" His voice rang through the apartment, and I didn't even flinch. "Leia? You home? Ah, there you are." He stood in front of me, and tried to give me a hug. I refused. I just stood there, in front of the sofa, and looked at him.
"What? You ain't glad to see me?" He flashed me his cocky grin, and I just sighed.
"Han, can you ever be serious for just once? Or is everything funny to you?" I spat. He looked hurt for a second before fully recovering.
"Now wait just a second, princess… I have been home for not even a minute yet and you are already at my throat? I figured you would miss me!"
"I have missed you, Han, and that is my point. You are gone all the time, and I hardly have two days with you before you leave again. I know it is not on purpose, but I would at least like to have some time with you! Sith, you don't even tell me when you are leaving until the day you actually go! I am tired of it, Han!" Even with the tremendous height difference, I stood up to him, and glared.
"Leia… you know I have no choice here. They are the ones who send me on these fucking missions. I don't have any say in it. I would much rather be here than somewhere in space! You know that!" The anger was still evident in his voice, along with some remorse, but by instinct, I would not show any sign of weakness. I would not back down.
"You do have a say in it, Han! Tell them you want more time at home with your girlfriend, and if they don't agree, you are just going to have to pick, because I cannot take it anymore!"
"Leia, don't do this. I can't just quit the Rebellion. You of all people should know that! Besides, I already signed on for two more missions: one at the end of the week, and one when I get back."
"Han, you are nothing but a nerf-herding, bantha brained son of a sith who couldn't care less about other people! You are a selfish bastard, and to think I actually thought I loved you! Just leave now, and go on your fucking missions and get your fucking compensation. See if I give a damn! Leaving seems to be what your good at, don't cha think?" The anger, guilt, sorrow and pain was all evident in his eyes. I wasn't meaning to come off the way I did, I just… did. A part of me wanted to take it back and ask for his forgiveness, but my pride got the best of me, so I stood my ground.
He looked at his shoes, and back into my eyes, and the anger was gone. It was replaced by hurt, and sadness. I started to soften up, and just as I was about to apologize, he spoke. "No, you don't have to say anything. I'll leave. I'll do anything you want. I love you, you know…I will send someone to pack up my things and I will be out of your hair by morning. After all, leaving is what I am best at, right?" he took a final look at me before heading out the door. I stood there, frozen, and at the time it felt like my heart had stopped beating too.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
Now, as I sit here on my bed, I couldn't help but relive all the horrors of my past. All of my demons were coming after me, and they wouldn't stop. I remembered Luke's death, and the pain I felt when I saw the lightsaber pierce his chest. I remembered the guilt, and the blame of it after it was over. Though, technically, for me, it was never over.
Han's handsome face soon appeared in my mind. How could I drive him away like that? How could I be so selfish and say all those cruel things to him? And most importantly, why did I tell him to leave? My thoughts overwhelmed me, so I went to the kitchen to get some wine. Han and I were going to celebrate his homecoming, but obviously that wasn't going to happen now. I took a long sip of the liquid, feeling it consume me. Never in my life, other than when Luke died, had I felt this numb and alone. I let the best thing that has ever happened to me get away, all because of a stupid fight. We seemed to have a lot of those.
I don't know how long I drank, but it seemed like days. I didn't eat, and I didn't cry. It might sound so lame but all I did was feel sorry for myself. I had gone through bottle after bottle, until I ran out. I have never in my life been so wasted I could hardly breathe. I had puked several times, and never even thought about how bad my hangover would be. I didn't sleep, and the alcohol was making me feel so weak. Suicide crossed my mind several times, and when my thoughts had finally corrupted me past the point of no return, I gave in. Han's blood pressure pills. He had still not sent anyone to retrieve his things, so I took advantage of it. Pill by pill I slowly let them take over me, until I was surrounded by darkness.
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
My head was spinning. There were swirls of white all around me. Was I dead? My blurry vision soon came into focus, and I saw, and felt, a warm body on my left leg. Light brown hair, tan skin… the first thought that came to my sore mind was Luke, but Luke was dead… it couldn't be him… could it? If I was dead, which I seriously thought I was, would mean I was with him. My vision got better and better the more I blinked, and by the pain in my stomach, throat, and especially my head told me I was definitely not in heaven.
"Leia! Sweetheart, you're awake… Thank goodness!" It was Han, which would mean I was still alive, Luke was still dead, and my plan had failed.
"Where am I?" I grunted. Jolts of electricity soared throughout my brain, and I knew that that hangover was starting to take effect.
"You are in the medical center of the Rebel Base. I brought you here so they could save you… Why did you do that? That was by far the stupidest thing you have ever done! I didn't know you had sunk so low. I thought you were strong! Leia do you have any idea how dangerously drunk you were? Your Blood AlcoholLevel was .39! You could have died just by drinking alone, setting aside the fact you TOOK MY PILLS TO END YOUR MISERY!" he was practically screaming now, and my head somehow made his words echo throughout my brain.
"Han. Please stop it. My head hurts." I saw a tear go down his face.
"Oh my god… Leia… baby, I am so sorry. I am sorry for our fight earlier, I am sorry for yelling at you… I… I just can't picture losing you like we lost Luke… you're all I have left." He let another tear go down his cheek before I wiped it away. He leaned his head into my palm, and sighed. "I wish I never had to go on any of those stupid missions… Maybe we would be married and happy by now… But no, I had to go and screw up the best thing that has ever happened to me…" And that… that was my breaking point. All the tears I had held inside of me for months was finally being let out. This was the first time I had cried in a long time, and let me tell you… it felt good.
Han immediately leaned forward and took me in his arms. He whispered in my ear that we would be okay, and he didn't mean any of the things he said. He told me we would get over this, and I would finally get my happily ever after.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
When all other lights went out, I turned to alcohol. It was a stupid thing to do, I must say, but in the end, things turned out better than I had ever dreamed. Han asked me to marry him, I said yes. Luke was never forgotten, and even years later I was still haunted by nightmares. I began going to therapy, and with Han's help, on my way to a very long road to recovery. When Han and I had our first child, a boy, we named him after the uncle he would never have the joy of knowing. Lukas Anakin Solo was born on the 2 year anniversary of Luke's death. And sometimes, when Lukas talks to me, I see my brother's face staring back at me, and I know the very end of the long road to recovery has finally been reached.
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging
You to be my escape.
A/N: So didja like it? I know it is extremely depressing, but I am very proud of it. I have never written anything to this extent before, and hopefully I will get some reviews. Please tell me what you think! No flames, please. I REALLY wanna know if it's okay! This is the only chappy. And FYI – BAC stands for Blood Alcohol Concentration. When you drink, the alcohol goes into your bloodstream. Leia's .39 was very high. The forties, I believe, is when it kills you. If I am wrong, sorry! I am just using it as a deadly level in my story! PLEASE REVIEW!