Allison: 'Dear Mr. Columbus...'
Me: Um. What are you doing?
Al: Writing a letter of appreciation since you FINALLY got the big chapter up.
Me: Who said anything about this being huge? It's just..you know...
Al: throwing objects YOU'VE TEASED THEM FOR MONTHS!
Me: SHUDDUP.
Al: You know, you spend hours writing up two words, and then BLAM. You watch the trailer and it's like creative city. WHY? Why do you do that?
Me:Well, Anthony is adorable in that trailer. He unlocks my creative juices.
Al: Oh LORD.
October 14:
"Last night of freedom, m'man," Benny tilted the last bit of vodka into his shot glass. Mark, on the other hand, had barely touched his beer. (Benny and Collins, however, had moved onto harder forms of liquor, whereas Roger was packing beer after beer, and Dave was still sober).
"Well, according to the normal world," Mark said, "yeah. However, I could go your way and cheat on my wife-to-be." Benny glared at him. The whole Mimi thing was a HUGE sore spot for anyone to bring up. But, then again, at this point in time Benny had been the only of them take "the plunge" (civil ceremonies not included, but that's a whole other story).
"Dude," a completely sloshed Roger started, "I have never, ever forgiven you for that shit you pulled, did I tell you that? Nev-ah." Drink. "But I gotta ask- she ever lousy in the sack?"
"She ever do bondage with you?"
"FUCK NO! That bitch!"
Dave tapped Mark's shoulder. "Um, is this a closed policy? I mean, what happens in the loft-"
"Stays in the loft," Mark muttered. "Especially what they just said."
"Wha?" Roger looked over at them.
"'To my future sister-in-law,'" Tara read, "'Living with Mark has taught me one things: He's filming, dammit! Make the blockbuster interesting.'" She started to open up the box a grinning Cindy just handed her. "Ooh. Victoria's Secret." Out came a skimpy dark purple negligee. "Erm. Thanks."
Cindy laughed and winked at Maureen. "Not that I'm implying that you two are gonna be producing pornos, but..." The mere fact was too big for any of the females in the room to ignore.
"Well, I tried to convince him once," Maureen said, "but I was shot down."
"Okay! Okay!" Tara made a time out signal. "No more talk of my possible porno career."
"Aww!" Maureen pouted. "But Meems and I got you the perfect thing!" Which to Mimi responded "Whazzit?"
"What perfect thing?"
"Oh, strawberry edible undies."
"What? No. Mo! You're kidding me, right?"
The next morning:
"Is there some sane reason WHY I'm being held hostage here?" Mark frowned. "Dave, careful with that!"
Mark wasn't the only hostage in the loft. Roger and Collins had declared that Mark could not touch his precious camera. Which, you know, got him completely under their control. Or something like that.
"Look," Dave said, pressing a few buttons (while a groaning Mark watched painfully), "my sister wants to remember her wedding day, and she's not going have you do it."
"Why not!"
"Anal-retentiveness?"
"IT DOESN'T FIT!"
Maureen and Bel cringed at the crying emitting from Tara's bedroom. "How long has she been like that?" Maureen asked.
"Ever since she discovered her blue pants didn't fit."
Mo's eyebrow went up. "You mean the cute vinyl ones? Can I borrow them?"
"Hey, guys," Tara's head popped out. "Erm, can one of you console Meems here? I need to get ready."
Bel sighed. "I've got her."
Maureen grinned evilly.
"Michaela." Thankfully, Mimi hadn't done her make-up yet, so any thought of her with mascara running down her cheeks. "You are NOT fat."
"But, my belly..."
Bel held up the top part of the dress. "Which is WHY Tara made our dresses two pieces."
"It'll be sticking out."
"It'll. Be. Cute."
Mark began pacing. "Dude. Don't do that shit," Roger kept groaning from over on the couch.
"I'm nervous, Rog. And Dave's got my camera."
"As best man, I refuse you to do that sorta shit. Fuck, Benny paced, man.""Why'd you guys take my camera?"
"Because," Collins said, struggling to open a bottle of wine, "You would've just filmed everything- no offense, man-" he said, quickly trying to avoid the potential killing (if Mark was able to physically KILL someone), "But do you honestly expect us to believe that you would be as grounded as you are now?"
"I'm grounded with that thing!"
Roger shoved a glass of wine. "You. Drink. Now."
Mark stared at it. "Fine."
"To Marky giving away the very last freedom he allows himself."
"Shuddup."
"Mrs. Cohen, your living relative is here!" Maureen announced.
"Which one?" Tara said, adjusting her dress top.
"Me!" Dave poked the camera lens into the doorframe.
"Oh good," Tara swirled around, "I almost thought you were Mark for a second there."
"Would you like to know how bad a fight he put up with me!"
"Marky can fight?" Maureen added in.
"Okay! Maureen-out!" Dave pushed the girl out the church door. "Must pass on fraternal words of wisdom. Alone."
"MARKY!" The familiar, maternal voice rang through the apartment.
"Oh God," Mark buried his head in his hands. "She's here."
Collins automatically ran out to deal with Mrs. Cohen. Roger just stared at him. "Dude. Get over yourself. You're getting married. In like two hours."
"Gah. Is that how long we've got to get there?"
"The church person said for us to get there an hour before, but the girls have been there all day- some Catholic thing Meems wanted to do."
"Um, it's a bi-religion ceremony. I think." Mark squinted. "Just...God. Why is she here?"
"Mark! Rog!" Collins called from the front room. "Come on, Mrs. Cohen's gonna bite our heads off if we don't go like now."
"She knows we're planning to take the transit, right?
(and now, the part you've all been promised and been waiting for months upon months...)
"Nice beanie, dude," Roger whispered out of the side of his mouth (a little tradition going back to the days of Bar Mitzvahs and First Communions in Scarsdale's religious communities).
"Yeah. Uh-huh."
"Why are you freaking? You've been freaking all day!"
"You would be too!"
"Riiiight. For the record-City Hall all the way, man."
"You don't have parental connections still holding you down."
Dave slipped his arm in the crook of Tara's. "Nervous?"
"Understatement."
"I would have guessed." Maureen was the first one out, sashsaying down the aisle. She had tugged down her own bridesmaid top, showing "my fabulous tits for all those singles out there!" Bel followed her, trying to keep her head up (No more drinking was about the only thought going through that girl's head.)
"Yeah, well, you know what they say," Tara laughed.
"Lemme guess, Aunt Vanessa was grilling you about the women's most important days?"
"I quote: 'Two down, one to go!'"
"Oh GOD." Dave rolled his eyes as Mimi winked at the two of them, and headed down the aisle. The two-piece maid of honor dress was adorable on her, sexy but kinda cute with the bit of stomach hanging out.
"Would you do this?"
"Maybe. After the kid."
"Hey." Collins edged in the convo. "Is he still freaking out?"
"Nah," Roger said, "He's just wondering if we would take the plunge, too."
"It's not-" Mark started, but Roger edged him in the elbows.
"Dearly beloved..."
Most of the time, four month romances end up in Vegas and the divorce courts. Other times, these crazy people just know that person is the one. In the case of the group standing there today, they knew that you had to make most of the time they had left.
"Hannah Cohen, do you accept this woman as your daughter-in-law?"
As Mimi once put it, "Let the nevers and maybes die," and today, these words would have been hanging heavily in the air. Mark had a huge share of nevers, Tara had a quite a bit of maybes thrown together.
"The rings, Mr. Davis."
Two years ago, this wouldn't have been the result. Of course, two years ago, Mark and Maureen had been dating, and Maureen would have automatically called for "VEGAS, BABY!"
But in the alternate universe where he would have had been dating Tara pre-Angel, a wedding four months into the relationship? Never would have entered Mark's mind.
"To have and to hold..."
Angel would have probably been jabbing Collins (Mimi, more likely, though) with excitement. Tara's mom would have probably been smiling over at Hannah, telepathically sending baby lists.
Either way, the two people for this whole thing was for, they would probably still be shitting themselves. (Especially, since Dave had entrusted Joanne with Mark's camera- he was not to have it back until AFTER the reception down at the Life.)
"You may now-"
Tara hit Mark's lips at full speed. "Wow," he said, "Excited, aren't we?"
"Thrill of the moment."
Mark stomped on the wineglass in what one might peg as his typical manner. "Ready to make everyone's day?"
"You bet."
"May I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Mark Andrew Cohen!"
PS: WHEE! They are finally married! However, don't just wait yet for the Jersey honeymoon. There's still a reception...READ AND REVIEW!