AN:humming along to the Rent OST:

Al: HOW many times have you listened to Tango?

My player says 10.

Al: Uh huh :coughobsessedcough:

But it's sooo GOOD. And it's got the Nanette Himmelfarb line. THE NANETTE LINE.

Al: Right. Onto business, then, shall we?

Oh, FINE.

Sorry, I meant to have this up sooner, but I'm still writing the holiday chapters. Yes. Chapters. I think it's gonna be longer than I hoped. :sighs:

Lyrics in this chap belong to Tom Petty and Bob Summers (I think.) The Hertzes are lovingly borrowed from Meg Cabot (Domo SENSEI!)

Day One:

Mark crossed his arms over his number. "Why..."

"It'll be fun." Tara smiled, and pinned her corresponding to her chest. "Now, shush, they're about to start."

Test, test... Attention snapped to the various speakers placed around the competition area. Hi! Welcome to Maui Marriott's third annual Great Couple Contest, sponsored by the Kaluki Surfing School! Let's give a big hand to all of our contestants!

Applause. "I feel like a loser version of Roger," Mark whispered.

"Is it possible to have a loser version of Roger?"

Mark thought about this. "It is now."

And now, we'd like to introduce our loving contestants! Apparently, Mark and Tara weren't the only ones who thought that this seemed like a fun (or in Mark's opinion, insane) thing to do. There were maybe about a hundred couples, some bored, some confused, and quite a few overenthusiastic pairs. Including- oh, yes- the Hertzes, team 24. The Cohens were team 25.

"My sisters used to do this all the time!" Amy chirped to them.

"Oh..." Tara forced to smile. (As nice as she was, Tara found it EXTREMELY hard to stay nice to these people. Yeesh.) "That's, um, nice."

"Yup. Pi Delts always have these sort of contests, to show that our love is forever!"

"I'm scared," Tara whispered to Mark, "Hide me."

"I think that should be the least of our problems...watermelon splitting?"

"What?" Tara stared at him.

"That's what we gotta do first." He looked over his shoulder at the many watermelons scattered around the beach. "Hit those with wooden bats. We're screwed."

Tara looked at the same sight. "Yup. We're screwed."

"No upper body strength for you either, huh?" he asked, with a slight smile on his face.

"You have no idea..."

Here are the rules for our first competition! Each couple gets a number of watermelons to smash with wooden bats! The top 50 go onto the next round!

"So...we might have a chance."

"Yeah. Riight, Mark. Right." Tara grabbed a bat. "Where's Mimi and Mo when you need them?"

Ready! Set! GO!

Sand kicked up in front of the crowd, with yelling and cracking and splooshing ringing throughout the air.

"ARGH!" Mark yelled, almost tearing off his glasses. "Sand! Eye! Pain!"

Tara herself stepped on about half the group and whacked a good twenty more. At this point, she was considering maybe she should have consulted Mark about this...

Time! When the dust settled, the scene was out of a war movie. Cracked watermelons oozed everywhere, some people were sore and whining. Mark was rubbing his eyes. "I look like Collins after a rough day of classes..."

Ladies and gentlemen, if you can give us a few moments, we'll have the results of the watermelon contest shortly! In the meantime, feel free to help yourself at the buffet!

"I don't think I ever wanna see another watermelon again," Tara said, poking at her fruit salad. After lunch, the score results got posted...and Mark and Tara made it to the next round, amazingly enough. "We barely made it," Mark sighed. In total, couple 25 smashed 10 watermelons, compromising the bottom ten couples. "How'd they figure out those scores, anyway?"

And now for our next competition! A water balloon contest! "Oh, sweet Jesus," Tara groaned, "Why this?"

"You're not good at this?" Mark asked.

"Heh heh." Tara tried her best to smile. "We would play this at family reunions, and Dave and I have no hand-eye coordination whatsoever."

"Well...that's...sort of...comforting..."

"Oh, please, like you would have any amazing athletic skills?"

Each team gets two balloons to use. Once both are broken, that team is automatically disqualified! The ten teams left standing or have the furthest distance will move onto tomorrow's competition!

Two bulging balloons were plopped into Tara's hands, and Mark lined up with the rest of the guys. "Oh, God. Middle school all over again," he laughed, "Just no Roger sulking right next to me."

Ready...and GO!

Tara gently tossed it to the over side where Mark caught it. Well, that was no surprise, being that they were barely far away from each other at all. She took a step back and waited for Mark's go ahead.

As the contest wore on, Tara noticed something. Yes, she wasn't good at the game at all (their first balloon broke already, and she missed at least five consecutive times), but Mark was actually catching them. By some discreet miracle, they were among the last seven pairs left, with Mark standing away a good distance.

"INCOMING!" Mark yelled and chucked it across the empty space. The purple blob flew through the air and started coming down a little bit away from Tara, who started to back up for it. As it sailed down, she dove headfirst into the sand, where, after picking her head up, the balloon exploded right in front of her face.

"Right then," said one of the judges, "Team 25, disqualified from this competition, but congratulations! You're moving to tomorrow's round."

"Thanks," wheezed Tara, who then started coughing up sand.

"Hey, we lucked out again." Mark came up behind her, grinning.

"Where'd you learn to throw and catch like that?"

He shrugged. "My brother-in-law and nephew usually insist on playing touch football on Thanksgiving, and so I had to be tutored so that 'Uncle Mark doesn't throw like a girl.' Still sucked though..."

"Uh huh. What about catching my sloppy throws?"

"Did you forget? I used to live with Maureen. She gets pissed, shit goes flying."

Day 2:

"Oh God." Mark groaned. "Why didn't we fail miserably yesterday?"

"What?" Tara said, "This isn't athletic like yesterday."

Mark nudged his clipboard of personal questions. "There are some things I'd like to keep private, thank you."

"Oh, are you embarrassed that we don't..." Tara consulted her own clipboard. "...own or have read The Karma Sutra?"Mark was silent. "You HAVE!"

"...Maureen had a copy..."

"Oh, you are such a typical man," she said, playfully hitting him.

And welcome back to day two of the Maui Marriott's Great Couple Contest! Here we have our remaining contestants who survived (Mark: "Well, that's saying something.") yesterday's competition! Round of applause, along with the feeling of being "Loser Roger" again.

After proving their athletic skills for our judges, our remaining couples today prove how much they know about each other! Each team member has filled out a survey, which we will take our questions from. Then, our judges will question our teams about each other's partner. We wish everyone good luck!

"This is the part were I'm really regretting having only been with you for like four months," Mark said quietly.

"Oh, please don't tell me you're getting upset by this." Tara stared down at her husband. "What matters is that I love you and, even if I don't know everything about you, Marky, that's why I stayed with you."

"Tara, hon?"

"Yes?" she answered, smiling (fully knowing what he was about to say).

"Don't-"

"Call you Marky. I know."

For today's competition, we've sorted our couples by alphabetical order! So please welcome our first victims- I mean, COUPLE- Mark and Tara Cohen!

"Talk about our great luck," Mark groaned as he and Tara went up to the stage and sat down in their seats.

"Well, welcome!" said the increasingly obnoxious host, "I understand you two are on your honeymoon!"

"Um...yeah..." Mark said, nervously.

"Ah, I see the little lady's got you tongue-tied!" Laughter. From, oh, just about the front row, and some idiots who laughed at this sort of thing. "Now, let's begin with our Q&A. First set- bedroom questions!" And intro the horny couples going "Oooooo!" "First question! How many times a week do you do it?"

"Um. Erm..."

"Um..." Tara stammered, "A couple times a week..." Boos from the crowd.

"Ah, we should deduct points from that answer! Next question! Mr. Cohen, I understand you dabble in movie making?"

Oh fuck. Mark knew what was coming. He slapped his hand to his forehead. "Yeah. I'm a filmmaker."

"So, I can assume this question will be easy for you! What is the strangest thing you've done in bed?"

He knew what they wanted. "Why yes, we did make a sex film." Uh huh. Yup, that's what he was so going to say.

"Oh, probably the time he started quoting Star Wars our first couple of months together," Tara said, laughing, "and I joined in."

The crowd seemed to accept that. "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that..." Mark whispered. (Yes. That was a true story.)

"Well, would you like them to think you're a porno freak, just because of the camera?" Tara whispered back.

Mark mulled as long as he could. "Okay, you win."

The questions keep growing increasingly awful, ranging from more bedroom tricks to personal preferences in just about anything. Mark couldn't even answer half of them, and the ones he did were received with various jeers.

Apparently, being a newlywed starving artist added to some other people's horniness factors.

But at least, as with all things, Mark's personal torture was nearly over. "Well, time for our special guest judges to rate the couples! Whaddya think?"

Judge number 1, a former Miss Hawaii said, "You know I love that your man's such a little geek." Mark turned completely red (again). "I say a nine point five."

Judge number 2, the hotel owner's twenty-two year old son: "Agreeing with her! But dude. Eight."

Judge number 3, formerly famous model: "Um, yeah. You two are so cute! A nine."

"Well, that gives you two a grand total of 27.5! Let's give it up for Mark and Tara!"

As they waved, Tara nudged Mark. "Well, that wasn't too painful now was it?"

"Oh, God. Don't get into it. Please. I beg of you."

Since they were pretty much exempt from the rest of the day's activities, Tara wanted to go in the hot tub again (out of the six days they had been there, five nights so far had been spent in that thing), but Mark wanted to see how bad the Hertzes would embarrass themselves. "Can we be jerky to them?" Tara asked.

"Oh, when did we turn to the Dark Side, Miss 'We're the Only Nice New Yorkers?'" Mark joked.

"Hey. NO ONE talks about my little brother's lifestyle like that. Especially in front of me. They deserve it."

And while the pleasantries of how Mark and Tara's yuppie scum rivals were mocked would seem like a good thing, it is more important what Mark had happened to hear upon while securing alcohol for both him and Tara.

Mark had found a huge cooler brimmed with various beers and other forms of liquor, especially for the contestants. "I can't believe they're tied with us!" said an extremely annoying, and familiar voice. Amy Hertz.

"Who do they think they are?"Mark tried to remain as inconspicious as possible. Oh God, they weren't talking about him and Tara, were they? Although it could have been possible- "They're...ARTISTS! They can't afford a place like this!"

Yup. The Hertzes were not as warm and loving as they seemed to be. (Well, of course Mark had known that. This was just the first time he'd ever heard them speak nasty about him and Tara.) "So, what do we do?" Stuart was mumbling.

"I think the first judge said somewhere that she was Pi Delt. I mean, if sorority doesn't win her over..."

"Amy, my sweet, you've never had experience in dealing with former charter members, have you? Greek organizations practically assimilate their collegiate brethren."

Mark quickly grabbed his beers and got as quick as he could back to Tara. "Geez, what took you so long?" she asked.

"I ran into the yuppie scum."

"Ew." Tara wrinkled up her nose. "What'd they do?"

"Well..." Mark sighed, "This is what I got..."

Mark, for one, had never really liked any sort of competition like this. With his films, at least there were some things to judge, but this was pure guesswork. Especially the fact that he didn't like the sound of the final round. "Karaoke. You're fucking me, aren't you?"

"Literally, yes, Mark," Tara said, "but what's your problem with it? People get drunk and do it in bars all the time."

"See, that's the thing. The drunk part."

Tara's eyebrows went up. "The Life had a karaoke night?" (As that being the only place she knew where Mark went out drinking.

Maureen draped herself over an ever stiffening Mark, with one hand firmly clutching the shot glass. "Gonna give you all my love, boy," she sang, "My fear is fadin' fast. Been savin' it all for ya, boy, cuz only love can last." She downed the shot before launching into the next verse.

"God, I love Tequila Karaoke Night, don't you, Mark?" Roger said grinning into the camera in Collins's hands. "Especially during this part. You freeze up EVERY time, dude."

Mark managed to flip him off before Maureen waved her curls in his face. "Ooo, like a virgin..."

"Oh, wait." Tara smiled. "Does this have anything to do with your Maureen days, or so I hear from Rog and Collins?"

"Did they show visual?"

"You filmed it? Well, wait, that shouldn't surprise me..."

"Yes. And I don't like showing or talking about it."

Day 3:

Yes, for those of you haven't guessed it, the final round of the competition consisted of a karaoke contest. Tara and Mark had their choosing between a duet (which Mark flat out refused. "Can you conceive the cheese factor in that?") or each person singing a separate song.

The final round was held the second to last evening of their stay, and during one of the nightly luaus. So that meant that the place was more packed than usual.

Oh yes. They had made with four other couples. Exactly how Mark and Tara made it far seemed to be a mystery. Also the fact that they were tied for first with-yeah, and you guessed that too- the Hertzes.

Good evening, everyone! We at the Maui Marriott hope you're enjoying our nightly luau dinner! Tonight's entertainment is a little different from what you've been experiencing but we hope you all enjoy it!

The remaining victims were placed in the order of lowest score to highest, and then for those doing two songs, the guy before the girl. Which would have been only Mark and Tara's idea.

After ear-wrenching renditions of classic love songs (Tara: "Now there's a loser version of Roger"), Mark was forced to endure this particular torture.

Now, in tie for first place, our next performer is Mr. Mark Cohen! Give him a round of applause!

Mark stood in the bright spotlight, barely seeing past the first row. Well, while he wasn't Roger, he could show all them what he was made of. The background music kicked in, and he started to sing:

Well I started out down a dirty road

Started out all alone

And the sun went down as I crossed the hill

The town lit up the world got still

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings

Comin' down is the hardest thing

This...wasn't too bad. He started to kind get into it.

Well the good old days may not return

And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings

Comin' down is the hardest thing

Guitarsolo. Mark grabbed Tara from her seat and began dancing with her onstage for a little bit. She laughed as she landed back in her seat so Mark could finish up.

Well some say life will beat you down

Break your heart, steal your crown

So I started out for God knows where

But I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly around the clouds

But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings

Comin' down is the hardest thing

I'm learning to fly around the clouds

But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly

I'm learning to fly

The audience went nuts. Very much like they did for Roger back in the Hungarian days (and Mark knew what that was like very well). Of course, that was the opposite reaction he had been expecting...but if they liked it, they liked it. Well, thank you, Mark for that great song and dance routine. Now, let's hear it for his partner, Tara!

Tara got herself onstage, and seemed almost dwarfed by the spotlight. Her music started in, with a light vocal part, which she sang along with, and drum beats. She started to sing after a couple beats:

When I think about the first time,

I thought I found someone who cared for me,

But things were not as they appeared to be.

Rainy day man, on your shoulder I cried,

When my first brush with love, left me shaking inside,

Rainy day man.

Tara's voice took on a soft, wistful tone as she sang. It sounded like she bounded with the pain of the song.

Ever since I can remember,

Just like a brother you've been strong and true,

Always been the one to see me through.

Rainy day man, you're much more than a friend,

I would give anything, just to see you again,

Rainy day man

Unlike Mark, she didn't do much during the instrumental part. (Well, it was short too.) But her singing this song, made her seem...Mark didn't know, vulnerable? She had her head down for a good bit, and then stared straight into the audience, reaching out in front of her.

Always been the one to see me through.

Rainy day man, on your shoulder I cried,

When my first brush with love, left me shaking inside,

Rainy day man, you're much more than a friend,

I would give anything, just to see you again,

Rainy day man

Rainy day man,

Rainy day man,

Rainy day man,

Rainy day man.

She smiled and finished as the crowd applauded. "Well." Mark said, once she got back, "Talk about a downer."

"Oh, and your song was?"

"Hey, my song was upbeat, Miss Rainy." She laughed. "And that was scarily referencial to our own relationship. Is that why-"

"No, I just liked it, okay?" Tara leaned over and kissed him. "Come on, our rivals are about to do a horrible rendition of Whitney Houston."

"You lie."

She wasn't. Everyone there was subjected to a soaring, high E note duet of "I Will Always Love You" (Mark: "Can we talk cliche here?"), which fell victim to a near dead applause. "That's not good, huh?" Mark said.

"UGH. Ear plugs, please."

"Too late for that."

Five minutes can seem like an incredibly long time during these sorts of moments, and I'm quite sure this is how the Hertzes were feeling. However, I can't say the same for our couple in question.

"Oh please! One more night in that thing! It's awesome!"

Mark shook his head. "For your information, we are not getting a hot tub when we get back home."

"Which is why I want to enjoy every chance I got with it here."

"Women. Never did get you."

"Oh, but it's sooo nice- Hey! They've got the results."

Ahem. After confirming with our judges, we now have the results for this year's Great Couple Contest! In third place with a total of 101.2 points are...AMY AND STUART HERTZ! The Hertzes' facial expressions once it hit them could be expressed in just three little words: What. The. FUCK!

In second place, with a total of 103 points are JEN GREENLY AND SCOTT BENNETT! Two young kids giggled and waved to the audience.

And finally...drum roll, thank you...our first place winners, with a grand total of 107 points, ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this year's Great Couple Contest are MARK AND TARA COHEN!

"We won!" Mark squeaked. He didn't know who was more shocked at this point- him for actually winning, Tara for actually succeeding in this seemingly insane plan in the first place, or the Hertzes for losing to a couple of "artists."

Immediately, they were both showered with leis and crowns, and pleads for a couple dance. "Just..whoa." Mark shook his head. "I really wasn't hoping for this."

"Well, that's because you never thought of the possibility of us winning," Tara said, laying her head on his shoulder as they danced.

"But that's because...just..."

"Just what?"

"Just that...I don't think we needed to enter a contest to prove that we're a great couple. I mean, anyone back home could tell us that."

Tara lifted her head. "That's not why I entered us!"

Mark gaped at her. "Then what was I subjected to three days of torture for?"

"I was trying to get you to enjoy our vacation! Which, I might add, I succeeded in doing."

"I...oh geez. I, um..." Tara silenced him with a finger on the lips. "You can make it up to me in the hot tub tonight. Kay?"

Mark dropped five packets of pictures onto the folded table. "Oh God, it's the same with still photography?" Tara laughed.

"Not funny." Mark was flipping through the different packets. "We are so hiding these from everyone when we get back."

"I thought Roger tormenting you was apart of your daily lifestyle?"

"So, what do you want to get that too?"

"At least I don't mind-"

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now preparing for take-off. Please make sure your seats are in the upright position, your seatbelts fastened and all electronic devices.

"But when you think about," Tara continued, "even you had fun for once."

"Okay, you've got me there."

PS: Of course Mark and Tara win. They're kind and pure of heart and the main characters of this chap. (And if you watch anime, which is where I drew much inspiration from, these are the qualities that get you the win)

Al: ...you put in a Sailor Moon dub song?

It's a GOOD dub song. I like that one.

Al: It's still Sailor Moon. And dubbed.

AND IT'S A GOOD SONG. (Rainy Day Man. It is. Really.)

Read and review. Next chappie is a short Collins drabble I wrote during class. Just to hold yinz guys over.