Welcome to chapter four guys! WOOT! I'm so excited! I'm finally done with the last chapter, and please don't kill me because of the ending…please/sigh of relief/ Thanks! According to my friend we're not supposed to review to individual reviews, but I don't care! I'm taking a risk here if that's the case because I wanted to comment on all of my reviews! So...I don't care! Well, anyways...
Thanks also to all my reviewers thus far…
Metal goat: Yay! My proofreader reviewed meh story! T-T I'm so happy! …Now if only I could understand it! x.x (j/k) you might hate how it ends… but it just couldn't be helped/sniff/ Just don't kill me okay?
Umm.Bob: Uh…thanks! 0.0 oops. I didn't think my virtual hit would hurt you. Sorry! ; Next time… REMIND ME TO HIT YOU HARDER THE NEXT TIME YOU BABY ME AGAIN! Heheheh…
Shingosama: You feel bad for Ed, now, just wait till ya' read the end! Hehe. Oh, yeah… I updated— incase ya' couldn't tell!
RejectedAndLoved: 0.0 I did? I thought I wasn't being descriptive enough, because it's like Ed himself was explaining his pain—and for the most part he's confused. And my poem Ideas, well to be honest, this story was inspired by the first poem I wrote which I posted as chapter 3. I then had an idea of another poem, and then came the story part! I'm so sorry! I've already written you a paragraph and haven't answered all of your questions and comments! I'm glad you clarified the whole virginity thing…cause I really wasn't sure if I should be proud…or scared. I am glad you like this story though, and I hope the ending won't make you want to kill me!
Please r&r. Thanks again to my reviewers! Well anyway, maybe now would be a good time to post my…
Warning! OOC-ness ahead. But then again…how would you act in this kind of situation? I did my best to write how they react and such based on their personality (stupidity for most), and what I would do if this happened to me. I've never been in this type of situation; so it was very difficult to come up with this…err…script so-to-speak. So please don't flame unless you're going to help me roast marshmallows! XD
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Even though I don't remember who does, I guarantee that it's not me!
And also…some new symbols today! (Character comments), character thoughts, flash back, ((author's comments)), emphasis, emphasis in a flash back. There ya go…enjoy!
Chapter 4- The Light of Salvation is Darker Than You Think
Holy maiden
in the sky
Holy maiden
Flying high
Holy maiden said to me
"Impurity…impurity"
Waiting for the cleansing rain
Tainted blood that will not drain
Holy maiden said to me
"Impurity…impurity"
"Ed! Ed!" Whispering voices called to me from somewhere out of the darkness. It called out to me, but couldn't reach me because of the barrier keeping me from the outside world. Protecting me from the true evil within, or perhaps, keeping me from the light of salvation, but in it's own twisted way, this deep and depressed world inside me serves it's purpose as my own dark sanctuary that protects me from the pain.
"Ed!" The holy maiden calls to me, teasingly and mockingly. And though I hear, I cannot see… mocking me… mocking me…
"Ed!" She's closer now, I still can't see… The holy maiden that's calling me…
"Ed!" Louder now, she calls to me…
Impurity…impurity…I feel a hand on my shoulder, it shakes me gently, and deep down I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare, but I can't. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter anyway. I'll always be…
"Why aren't you waking up? Are you still breathing?" Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? I'm just waiting for the cleansing rain. I'm waiting to be cleansed. Can't you see, holy maiden, I'm waiting to be pure again. Even though I've been out here for hours, I have not yet re-obtained my innocence, and why should I? I gave my heart to another man, and he rips it up, and does the Mexican hat dance all over it. I gave up my innocence to be with him, and because of that the whole world seems to be judging me. This rain…it's mocking me…it's judging me…it's reminding me of my tainted blood, and how it will never wash away. All because I thought he loved me. Is that what you were trying to tell me before? Is this my punishment for the sins I've committed? Do I really deserve to be in so much pain? I suppose that's a question with an obvious answer…
(Winry's P.O.V., a bit before she calls Ed's name)
Al had been worried about his brother, who disappeared two hours before, not saying that I wasn't either. We'd decided to go searching for him, and after about thirty minutes of running aimlessly in the rain, we'd agreed to split up. The search would be easier that way, and besides, we wouldn't want Ed to be out in the rain too long. He could get sick!
As I was walking around, barely able to keep dry only because of the umbrella, I came across a bench seated outside a small building. It was kind of hard to tell, because the rain made it foggy, but a figure could be seen sprawled out (so it seemed) on the bench. The first thing that came to mind was…
"Ed! Ed!" I shouted as I began running towards the shadowy figure. The rain poured harder, and soon lightning flashed through the sky.
"Ed!" I called to him, and I wandered if he really could even hear me through this storm. "Ed!" I screamed even louder than before. The bench was only a couple of feet away from me now. "Ed!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I knew without a doubt that he could hear me, and yet there was no type of response.
There was no question about whether or not this was Ed. Golden locks of hair, now soaked to the tips and stuck to his face, and a red coat so soaked it almost looked burgundy, not to mention the auto mail that was partly uncovered (due to the fact that he wasn't wearing gloves), told me that this was most definitely Ed. I quickly noticed his eyes were closed, and his breathing had become lighter. In fact, it was hard to tell if he was actually breathing at all. I didn't know if he was sleeping, or passed out, but what I did know was that he shouldn't be out in all this rain…
Normally, a person's first instinct would be to take the person to a safe, dry place and then check for signs of consciousness. However, it didn't work that way for me. I softly placed a hand on his left shoulder, and with the other hand, held the umbrella over us to keep us both from getting wet. (Or in his case, wetter.) I gently shook him and for some reason thought that if I did, he'd just jump up and be all happy and cheery. (Well, at least be conscious.) Needless to say, it didn't go exactly as I thought (hoped) it would. In fact, he didn't move at all! He didn't stir, twitch, and didn't even blink or sneeze. And for some reason, knowing that scared me.
"Ed… wake up!" I cried. Worry seemed to become fear, and fear suddenly grew into something more…something indescribable. "Ed!" I shouted in fear, the panic intensifying, and eating away at my soul. Soon, I began to shake, and tears began building up in my eyes.
"Why aren't you waking up?" I asked no one in particular. I half expected him to answer me, but I knew that was just desperate wishing. "Are you still breathing?" Yes, without a doubt I knew he was breathing. (Or so I hoped) And if he wasn't, what was I to do? I don't exactly know how to give CPR if he needs air. I never was taught on that subject, and if I was, I wasn't listening. And where was I to take him to keep him dry and warm. His 'house' wasn't exactly close by nor was any type of shelter. Maybe we could stay at someone else's house for the night?
Almost as instantly as it began, my daydreaming ended when Edward suddenly moved. I looked down at him in anticipation, and he lazily opened his eyes and closed them again. When he opened them a second time, he looked up at me and stared intently. I didn't know if his vision was blurred or if he just couldn't tell who I was, but what I did notice was how pale he was.
"W-Win… Winry?" Called a voice so raspy, it was shocking that it belonged to him.
"Yes, Edward. It's me!" I replied with a smile as I gently brushed a hand through his soaking wet hair. His eyes slowly began to close and I knew he was fading out of consciousness once more. I set the umbrella down on the bench next to him, and gently lifted him up with my left hand, while holding his head up with my right. When I finally got him to rest on my left shoulder, I tried to pick the rest of him up (which proved to be very difficult because he was heavier than I thought). Luckily for me, by the time I tried for the third time, he instinctively moved on his own and tightly wrapped his legs around my waist, and his arms around my neck. It was both convenient and awkward, but I wasn't one to complain. (Even though carrying the umbrella in my mouth wasn't fun at all!) Besides, it was hard enough trying to figure out just where we were going to stay.
(Ed's P.O.V)
"Edward! Hey, Edward!" A voice called to me. No, a loud voice called to me. It pierced through my not-so-peaceful dream, and woke me up from a deep slumber that seemed to last an eternity. However, I was still tired and really wasn't planning on getting up, no matter how many nightmares I had. (Though I was thankful for the interruption of the last one.)
"Five more minutes, please!" I grumbled as I turned over to the right, and buried my head in the soft pillows.
"Edward! You've been sleeping for the past thirteen hours, and haven't even eaten anything! At least wake up and eat this!" She screamed practically in my ear. I guessed that "this" meant soup, because of the faint aroma of chicken noodle soup that slowly began to fill the room. ((Why chicken noodle? I don't know! It was the first thing that popped in my head!))
I sighed, and reluctantly got into a sitting position. As I began to yawn and stretch, I felt a small amount of weight on my lap as Winry placed the tray of food there.
"Lucky for you, milk shouldn't be consumed when you're sick, so instead you have juice. Be sure to drink it!" She teased as she smiled mockingly. 'Be sure to drink it', she gets on my nerves sometimes! In order to get this over with quickly, avoid hearing Winry's mouth, and get back to sleep as soon as possible, I decided to go ahead and eat the soup and drink the juice immediately. The soup was very delicious if I do say so myself! I devoured it in ten seconds flat. The juice I had to drink was apple juice, and it was pretty sweet! (Not to mention easy on the stomach) After I finished everything on the tray, Winry seemed satisfied (at least I thought she did). After I ate, I lied back down and closed my eyes, and she had already removed the tray for me.
"Comfortable, Edward?" She asked sweetly, in a sort of suspicious way, but I paid her no mind.
"Mm-hmm! Very!" I mumbled as I began to drift off.
"Good!" She responded cheerily. "Because you nearly gave us a heart attack!"
"Uh…" I mumbled when her sudden yelling awakened me.
"Alphonse and I were worried sick about you, then I find you passed out on a bench in a rain storm, and now you're acting like nothing happened! You're really lucky this inn was close by, Edward! Extremely lucky!" She finished her venting with a sigh, and sat down in a chair close by. I said nothing as I stared up at the wooden ceiling, feeling a bit guilty about having them worry about me when at that time, I had forgotten about them. "Why were you even out in the rain, Ed?" She asked with a bit more concern. "Was something bothering you? You know that if you ever need help you could just—"
"I know that, but…" It never really occurred to me that I've been keeping my brother and best friend in the dark all this time. I've never told them or anyone else about my relationship with… him. We'd decided to keep it a secret, because many people would oppose it and forsake us. It really shouldn't have mattered to us, but we agreed that it wouldn't hurt as much if the people that were close to us didn't hate or shun us. So, we'd wait until it was time for them to know. I think now's the perfect time.
"Winry?" I half whispered as I tried to summon up the courage to spill my long kept secret.
"Yeah?" She responded with a mixture of curiosity and uneasiness. I could tell she was nervous about what I was about to say.
"Where exactly is Al? There's something I need to tell the both of you."
"He's outside I'll get him for you, if you want me to." She said with a forced smile, but I could tell she was worried.
"Could you?"
(Winry's P.O.V)
I wasn't exactly sure what it was Ed needed to tell Alphonse and I, but I knew it was big news. I tried my best to hold back on the urge to run outside, drag Al inside, and listen to what Edward had to say; and instead walked as normal as possible, while trying to maintain a straight face. What exactly is it that Ed needs to say? Is it bad; is it good? The look on his face kind of told me it was bad news… or maybe it's neither bad nor good; just a serious topic, or maybe it's a bad serious topic, or a dark secret, or… ugh! I hate situations like this one! They always keep me questioning, then I start to worry and it turns out to be nothing…
"Oops! Excuse me!" I said apologetically when I walked into a guy wearing (what looked like) a military uniform.
"You know you should pay more attention to where you're walking." He replied coolly. "Or maybe you just like daydreaming?" It wasn't a simple question, but more of a cold statement. The kind that cuts you deeply, and is so cold it burns, making you just want to rip their heads off. I ignored the intense sarcasm, and managed to choke out a fake laugh.
"Ah ha-ha-ha! Yeah, well I'll be careful next time!" Arrogant jerk! Wait… wasn't that…((Arrogant wasn't what I was looking for, but just go with it. x.x))
(Riza's P.O.V)
I knew from the moment we stepped through the door of the inn that something was going to happen. I didn't know whether it was good or bad, and to be honest I had no idea what Colonel Mustang was planning to do. Whatever was going to happen, it was going to be big, and it would forever change our lives— just a feeling I had, really. As we walked along the wooden floor of the inn towards the farthest room on the left, I felt that strange feeling intensify. The closer we got to the room, the stronger the feeling became until it got to the point where it was almost unbearable, and it just about drove me insane.
"You alright, lieutenant?" Roy questioned with little emotion.
"Yes, sir. Why do you ask?" I responded in the same tone. Actually I was surprised he didn't try to get rid of me again. He didn't really want me there, but I kept insisting and so he gave in. I don't even know why I wanted to go with him; I guess I was just trying to feel… I don't know… useful. Ever since that day, it seemed I just made everything for the people involved as well as myself, worse than it should've been. I don't even remember how it happened.
"You just seem tense, that's all."
"I'm fine, sir. Thank you for your concern." It was quite difficult for me to lie in his face and make it seem convincing, but somehow it seemed to work well enough to make him even halfway believe that I really was fine. Halfway was better than nothing.
We had finally reached our destination, and still I wasn't able to shake off that feeling. The door was open halfway, and Roy entered the room first without even an attempt to knock. I hesitated a moment, and then silently entered the room not too far behind him. Edward obviously wasn't paying attention, and was sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. He seemed kind of dazed as he absent-mindedly swung his legs back and forth off the side of the bed and tapped both hands on the sheets nervously. Then suddenly it all stopped.
"It's about time you guys showed up!" He spat out bitterly, obviously thinking we were someone else. "Seriously, how long does it take to…" His voice trailed off when he finally looked up and realized we weren't whom he thought we were. His facial expression went from playful sarcasm, to shock, then to utter hatred in a matter of two seconds.
"What the hell are you doing here?" He added in a tone that closely resembled his expression. I half expected Roy to answer in the same sarcastic manner as usual, but instead he merely sat down in a wooden chair about three feet from Ed, and ran his hand through his short black hair as he sighed nervously. Something had troubled him. After a brief moment of silence, whatever it was that he had been trying to say it seemed he summoned enough nerve to say it at last.
"Edward, I can't…" he paused, as he seemed to search for the right words to say. "I can't be with you anymore." The expression on Edward's face changed once more, but this time it was a look of sadness and hurt; Almost as if his world shattered just when he was finally able to grasp it for the first time. I couldn't help but feel bad for Ed, and the shocked look on my face proved it, but above all else I couldn't help but feel a bit responsible for his pain.
"W-What?" He choked out in a small voice, so full of sorrow it almost made me want to cry for him.
"I, sorry, bad choice of words. What I mean is, I don't want to be with you anymore!" Roy added so harshly it cut me deeply, and I'm not even the one he's talking to.
"Why?" Edward sobbed as tears rolled down his cheeks and onto his hands. "Why the hell are you doing this to me now!" His scream was so loud and so full of heartache that even the most coldhearted person alive couldn't help but feel even the slightest bit of sympathy for him. "Why are you doing this to me now! Why not then? Why…"
It seemed as if he wasn't even able to speak anymore. All the hurt, pain, and possibly confusion that he kept bottled up inside was now being released as painful sobs and angry tears that never stopped falling. Ed buried his head in his hands, and his body began to shake frantically, as his heart seemed to pour out all at once. I couldn't help it I simply couldn't resist it. The urge to just run up to him, and hold him, and tell him everything would be fine was intensified only by the sobs of hurt and tears of pain that filled and consumed everything in the room.
(Roy's POV)
I wasn't expecting his reaction to be so strong. I wasn't expecting him to be in so much pain. Despite the hate that I was trying so hard to place in his heart for me, it seems he stayed in a state of denial and ignored everything he didn't want to hear, or receive in any way for that matter. This was going to be a lot more difficult than I could've possibly imagined; and though it really hurt me to do this, it was something that had to be done in order to reduce the pain he would receive in the future. Maybe Hughes was right for a change, maybe I was pushing him away. Even so, it would've been best for him if he'd pretend that I don't exist. It would've been better that way.
Flashback—Roy's conversation with Hughes.
"I'm breaking up with Edward…" I tried to keep the hurt in my voice unnoticeable, but I could still tell he heard it.
"Don't you love him?" Hughes's question was more like a reassuring statement.
"It's just something I must do." I continued, feeling as though it was to convince myself rather than tell him my plan.
"Uh huh… don't you love him?" he repeated, wanting his question to be answered.
"Yes…"
"Then why are you leaving him?" I never thought there was a question that I couldn't answer, but I really couldn't answer this one. Why was I breaking up with him? I wanted to answer this question so badly, but my brain was completely blank.
"Is it because you've never really had a lasting relationship and so you automatically push him away?"
"No…" I mumbled softly. "It's because… because… because I want him to be happy…"
"Isn't he happy with you?" Hughes asked in confusion.
"No," I replied, slightly shaking my head. "No, he's just a kid. He has too much he needs to do, and way too many things to figure out right now. How could he possibly know what he wants?"
"Maybe he wants someone to love and support him, and help him forget about his troubles." I almost laughed at that thought.
"Even so, I can't be the one to do that anymore, Hughes. I can love and sup… I do love and support him, but he shouldn't have to suffer for it!" It was silent for a minute, and I held my face in my hands.
"I know you guys suffer," he added sympathetically, "but don't you think something like that shouldn't matter?"
"Damn it, Hughes! Not everyone in the world can be happy and live freely like you!" I yelled, not really knowing if it was out of anger, frustration, all of the above, or anything else that might seem logical. Tears began to stream down my face, but I didn't care. It was best that I let it all out now, instead of bottling it up for later.
"You know, we should be able to live freely and happy! We shouldn't have to hide anything, wear a mask, or keep secrets from everyone!" I continued in sobs since I was unable to keep my voice steady. "We shouldn't have secret meeting places, or walk around the streets knowing the world is condemning us, and people like us are hated and mistreated and all this other religious bullshit! Not to mention our age differences!" By this time, my sight became a little blurred because of all the tears welled up in my eyes. My throat began to burn because of the excessive crying, coughing, sobbing and trying to talk at the same time. I wanted so badly for all of this to end, but it wouldn't. The tears wouldn't stop, the crying continued and I kept choking on my words; not quite sure what I was trying to say anymore, and not quite sure how to get the words to form. To my surprise, Hughes sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder.
"I… wasn't trying to… I didn't mean to… I just thought that maybe…" he stammered. I guess he wasn't quite sure what he was trying to say, or had trouble wording what he was thinking. Either way, I could tell I hurt his feelings a little and all he was doing was trying to help—trying to understand the situation better.
"I'm sorry, Hughes. I wasn't trying to be mean to you." The tears died down and the crying stopped…Finally! "I was just… caught up in the moment and kind of took it out on you. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Roy. I understand how you feel; I wouldn't want Gracia to suffer in a relationship with me if she could be happier with someone else. (Just an example, of course!) But, how will little Edward feel about this?"
"He might be hurt, a lot. But, I'm going to make him hate me… I have to if I want to ease his pain. Someday he'll understand what I'm doing."
―End Flashback— (finally!)
I'm sorry, Ed. I know you love me, and I love you too, but I'm afraid our relationship will be cut short. To my surprise, Hawkeye walked over to him and hugged him tightly as tears escaped from their prison and fell onto Ed's shoulder. It was hard to tell at first, but I unmistakably heard her say the words:
'I'm sorry.' Even through her sobs. She had nothing to be sorry about. Everything that happened was my fault. The break up, the cheating, and the pain and anger were all apart of my plan. I do admit that my calculations were a bit off. I hadn't expected you to love me as much as I love you. You were so willing to sacrifice everything, suffer through so much pain just as long as we were together, and I wish I was able to take all your hurt away but I just couldn't. Seeing you hurt so much despite the smile on your face tortured me on the inside, but it was worse when I saw what people did to you. I just wanted you to understand that I love you just as much, or maybe even more, which is why I have to let you go. Seeing you happy, with or without me, makes me happy too. However, while we were together it seemed you went through hell, and even though you smiled, I could sense the depression within you. I just want you to be happy, and in doing so I'll feel the same way.
I wish I could say those words to his face, but if I did it'd make the situation worse. A whole new series of questions that really wouldn't be easy to answer would spring up. I'm sure he would say something like:
'I'd be happier with you, but obviously I mean nothing more to you than another bitch to fuck on a stressful day or whenever you were in the mood.' That wouldn't be true of course, but hell with all the crap I put him through; he wouldn't believe a word I said. Riza had done her part in comforting him I soon realized when I noticed that the waterworks had died down a bit. In truth, I so badly wanted to join them in their water show. Knowing that those tears were because of me made me feel terrible about the whole thing, but I knew that it was for the best.
(Ed's POV)
Though it was a bit of a shock at first, when Hawkeye embraced me it made me feel better. She kept combing my hair through her fingers, and rocked me slightly from side to side as she kept apologizing and telling me that she wished she could take everything back. I'm glad she told me that, but I didn't hold her responsible for what happened. Most likely, she didn't even know about our relationship until way later, and it was probably after that 'incident' a week ago. No, the one I blamed was not she, but the one she was with—'Roy Mustang' the 'Flame Alchemist' or whatever he wants to call himself nowadays. I truly hate him, but at the same time I love him with all my heart. Even though I tried so hard to hate him and get him out of my head, it was all in vain because I'd always end up finding happy times with him. I hated it!
My eyes burned like fire, my head felt like someone hit me with a sledgehammer, and I couldn't find my voice to speak, or the energy. I cried my heart out for what seemed like hours, and if I hadn't run out of tears, I'd still be crying now. This was something I wasn't expecting him to do. I knew that eventually we were going to have a talk, but this wasn't the kind of talk I was hoping for.
'I don't want to be with you anymore!'
How could he say something like that? How could he be so mean to someone who risked and lost everything for his happiness? What made him do this? Was it something I did; was I not trying hard enough? I got hurt and into a lot of fights because I stood up for what I believed in, and I did it for us. I did it because I care about you, and I wasn't about to let a bunch of people who can't see past their unjust laws about how they believe the world should be take that away from us.
"If the water show is over, I do have a question for you, Edward." The way he spat out my name pissed me off, and it made me want to kick his ass more than ever. His voice was filled with such cruelty and so much hate, that it made me burn hotter than my eyes were, except out of anger. I gave him an angry glare as my response and Hawkeye looked at him with curiosity. "What do you want from me?"
"What do I want from you?" I shouted in disbelief. Of all the questions why ask this one? "I don't want a damn thing from you! I do want you to stay the hell away from me! I want you out of my fucking life! I don't want you to exist, and I never want to see your damn face ever again!" The words came out before I had a chance to think. Maybe it was because I was so pissed off, regardless; I didn't regret anything I said. I meant it.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I guess that's good news for me." He replied coldly. Roy stood up from his chair and reached for something that was hidden by his coat and pulled out something shiny. I silently gasped when my brain began to work right and I suddenly realized that Roy had reached for his gun, and my eyes widened in fear as tears came back to me.
"You said it yourself that you want me out of your life, and you don't want me to exist, so I'm here to fulfill that wish." He continued as he held the gun up to his head. "I'm going to help you out here, Ed. You should be honored, but really you should just forget me and move on because you're just going to make your life a living hell if you don't!" It almost seemed as though he was about to cry, but it all happened so fast it hadn't really registered even though I saw it all.
"Roy…" I whispered as a warm and salty substance rolled down my face and dripped off my chin. "Don't do it… I don't want you to die!"
(Maes's POV)
Since I knew what Roy had planned to do, I tried to give him as much time as possible. To do that, I had to keep Winry and Alphonse entertained.
"Well? What are you going to get my daughter for her fourth birthday? You know it's coming up in a week!"
"Uh… uh… umm…" Winry stammered nervously.
"Uh… well, I don't really know… but really we should go see brother. Winry says he had something important to tell us!" Before I had the chance to respond to Alphonse's remark, a gunshot was heard and all of us seemed to be alarmed by the sudden blast.
"Brother?" Alphonse squeaked in the tiniest voice possible. We all seemed to have the same idea, and the three of us bolted through the door and zoomed down the hallway towards Edward's room. When we got there, we found one of the most shocking things that have happened, at least today. ((Warning: somewhat disgusting scene approaching)) Roy was lying in a pool of blood and Edward was leaning on Riza's shoulder screaming, yelling, and crying at the same time. Tears began to form in Riza's red eyes and she desperately blinked them away. Both of them were crying on the blood splattered bed as Roy lay at their feet, gun partially in his hand, brain spilling from the hole in his head; not from where the bullet went in, but from where it came out.
It was definitely the most gruesome sight to see and was a million times worse because this was someone I knew. No, not just 'someone', this was… he was my best friend, dead on the floor, gun in his hand. He killed himself, but why? Making Ed's life a living hell, no doubt. Probably thought it would be easier for Ed to move on if he simply disappeared or died. He was wrong. Killing yourself never makes it better for those close to you and often makes it harder for them to swallow down. Of course that depends on the person, and Edward—being fifteen—will most likely hang on to all the memories good and bad, and all the things he could have or shouldn't have done. This event was definitely one of the most catastrophic things to ever happen to him, since the day his mother died and when he tried to bring her back. It was a cataclysm in Ed's world that probably caused whatever foundation of happiness he built within his very soul to shatter as if it was made of thin glass.
I can't say it wasn't the same for us. The absolute silence which was broken only by the screams of infuriation, perplexity, and the rest of Ed's heart breaking, created a gloomy atmosphere that washed over us all, and seemed to make time stop. After what seemed like an eternity, Alphonse was the first to move over to his brother and try to comfort him, though he knew but little of the situation at hand. Winry had been the next one to move, sitting at Ed's left side and petting him gingerly, yet completely oblivious to just exactly why he was breaking down. I was the only one that didn't budge, I couldn't. It felt as if invisible chains bound me to the spot about a foot from the door. I kept staring at the bloody, lifeless body that once contained the soul of my good friend, and suppressed a deep and irritating urge to completely break down and join the others. I, instead, returned my attention to the devastated fifteen year-old alchemist, who seemed to have suffered a greater loss than I.
Edward broke free of Riza's grasp and did his best to sit up on his own. His eyes were almost completely red, his face was completely stained with tears, and his body shivered violently as he took in gasps of air. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out, and he stared down at his hands.
"Al, Winry, I'm sorry," Came a muffled and raspy voice followed by a bit more sobbing. "But it wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to end this way!"
"Edward? What're you—"
"I'm talking about the "important thing" I had to tell you earlier!" He interrupted Winry with an outburst of rage and impatience; at least that's what I though. Edward's golden eyes changed from an evil glow back to a state of sorrow. "I would've told you sooner," he continued in a mellow tone, "but I was afraid you'd hate me!"
"Brother… I could never hate you. Never! No mater what happened, or happens, I will never hate you!"
"Alphonse is right, Ed. I could never hate you either. You're my best friend, and even though I could a little pissed at you sometimes, I'll never hate you! You got that?" Winry added with a weak smile.
"I wish it was easy for me to except that, but no matter how you feel, it doesn't change the fact that what I did was wrong!" I didn't know if he was angry, felt guilty, depressed or what. It was like all of his emotions were blended together to make a giant… emotion ball. It was strange, but that's how I saw it. "That man, colonel Mustang, was my secret lover for the past three months. I would've told you guys before, but I… just thought that you'd… think I'm weird and… and not want to be around me anymore!" The last part was a bit difficult to understand because of a sob/cough mix, plus trying to talk at the same time.
Stupid Roy! He claims to not want Full metal to hurt anymore, and then he pulls off this stunt! That wasn't originally a part of his plan, he was just supposed to make Edward hate him, then leave him. That way when they break up Ed wouldn't hurt so much. The only thing wrong with that plan was the hate part, actually no… I hated the whole thing. Had Hawkeye known about this, she'd slap him until he was able to state the entire formula for pi flawlessly. I should've done the same because Roy could be such a dumbass sometimes, and this was one of those times. If I had known about this sooner, I probably could've stopped him from ruining his and Edward's life. Then again, why didn't Riza stop him?
"I didn't want to lose you guys, so I never said anything before! But now… now I realize that I was keeping you both in the dark, when I should've told you about this when it happened. You should've been the first to know!" Ed leaned on Winry's shoulder and she held him as he cried again and managed to choke out the words:
"I'm sorry."
Once again, I felt the urge to comfort Ed and tell him the truth about how Roy felt, but then I looked down at the giant pool of blood and brains I had to cross in order to get there and quickly changed my mind. Gross! How could Al and Winry walk through that, without throwing up? Those brave souls…
"I'm so stupid to try to hide something so important from the world. It would've been easier for me if I just told everyone the truth beforehand, but instead I made things harder for me! I… I… I had to lie to you guys everyday, and carry the blame and guilt and fear that someone would find out and try to keep us apart. And I even had to fight for our freedom, and often had to pretend that he meant nothing to me! I hated doing that, but I felt as if it had to be done; and so I continued to be someone else, and for what? You guys still end up knowing my secret; the world still judges me but this time not just for the incidents four years ago! ((At least I think he was eleven when he tried to resurrect his mom. Am I right or wrong?)) This time, it's for my beliefs and my sexuality and all the things I did wrong and didn't correct. The world is punishing me, and yes I do deserve it… and I got the worst punishment they could send me. Colonel Roy Mustang, my ex-lover… not only did he break up with me, he killed himself and… he really did hate me!"
Once again his crying had died down, and I really wanted to tell him that Roy actually loved him, though he's very idiotic, but then Edward said:
"I'm glad he hated me, because I now understand why he did all of those things to me. If he loved me and treated me like that, I don't know what I'd do. Even though I always had hope that deep down he really has feelings for me still, I'd probably be hurt knowing that someone who loves me treated me like shit for no reason, and still claims to love me… I'd be very hurt. At least this way, it's easier for me to deal with…"
I think I've finally understood why Roy wanted Ed to hate him, well sort of. It still didn't work, but at least he thought Roy hated him, thinking that seems to have helped ease his pain. I will never understand the way they think sometimes. All right, scratch that, I will never understand the way Roy thinks sometimes, and given the current circumstances I never will.
(A short epilogue type thing in Ed's POV)
A few days passed, a few more tears shed, a few more cuts on the wrist and even more blood spilt and still I feel broken. Roy, that bastard, has my heart even now and I'll probably never get it back. His funeral I didn't attend, because I knew it would be sad and gloomy, creating an unsettling feeling that I'd rather not experience. I waited 'til everyone was gone before I entered the cemetery, clutching a single black rose that represented my dark past, unknown future, and a forbidden love that was slowly torn apart and too soon ended.
I never really understood why I hold on to these memories of him, and I still don't. Maybe I do it just to make sure I don't make the same mistake again. I'd rather die alone than live this nightmare twice. That's why I'll never be able to trust or be with anyone ever again, who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to do what Roy said, forget him and move on.
This incident had its purpose whether I want to admit it or not. I believe that because of this, I'll refocus on my main goal to get mine and my brother's bodies back to normal, and in doing so, will regain some of my purity. It was this reason, along with the little info on the philosopher's stone we've obtained, that I joined the military in the first place. I wanted to get the philosopher's stone so that we could recover our bodies and I'd make up for all those stupid mistakes I've made in the past, and I thank Roy for bringing about this travesty.
My light of salvation, so full of darkness it seems more like the road to destruction. And yet, happiness waits me on the other side… At least that's what I hope.
End Last Chapter
A/n: This is the end, as you can see, yeah! I'm so excited! I finally finished another story, woo! Now I can try to work on the others… maybe. I probably only have time on the weekends! Anyway, the whole point of adding this ending comment is to once again thank all my readers, reviewers, and those who added this story to their favorites and alert list. Thanks! Also, I might be posting a prequel or sequel… or both if I can find the time, but I won't do it if you wont read it so... why don't you guys vote? Prequel, sequel, or both; that's what you're voting for. If you don't care, don't vote but that doesn't mean you can't review! Please feel free to vote, review, and flame. If ya' flame, remember to make it hot enough to roast marshmallows!
P.S. Thanks again for reading, and for not killing me… yet! Oh yeah and one more thing... I no longer have internet! x.x So that means when I submit a new story, I have to do it at school! x.x sorry! Oh, and please tell me if I made more mistakes! I found a few but there might be more! Thanks again!