- Revised - I think I've picked up a beta. Sort of, unofficially. Thanks letting me know where I've goofed, hostilecrayon.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. I'm just borrowing them to torture them for the enjoyment purposes of myself and other fangirls out there.
Author's Notes: I got a review saying that someone had trouble reading ch 8. Were you able to read it eventually (cuz I dun kno wut's wrong)? Did anyone else have trouble? If so, please email me, and I'll be glad to send you the chapter. I'm just happy that people think my brain's creation is good enough to read (not just people who know and love me, thus are obliged to read, although I do appreciate that too). : silly grin :
Chapter 9: Reservations … for One
Once in his room, Akira turned on the lights and took a seat in the middle of his tatami mat, offering Hikaru the chair at his desk. The boy with blonde fringes angrily pulled the chair out, feelings of irritation making his movements rough and jerky. Although he faced Akira, his eyes refused to meet his rival's.
"Shindou, what's wrong?" Akira asked, knowing the other boy would not say anything until he asked.
There was no answer, and Akira was left staring at the top of Hikaru's head, which was bent over, looking down towards the floor.
"Shindou," Akira repeated again, more firmly.
Finally, he saw the blonde head stir. "I don't understand you, Touya." The voice that came from the usually energetic boy was oddly distant and sad.
A long pause ensued when Akira realized he didn't know what the correct response was. Hesitantly, he spoke. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't you feel the same way I do?" Hikaru finally cried. Suddenly, his head snapped up revealing focused eyes, deep green with passion.
His Go eyes, Akira noticed, surprised. They're as intense as when we play Go. "I …" His face reddened at the memory of what had happened in the kitchen. Perhaps this was the new color his face was meant to be.
"You do!" Hikaru insisted. "You do, or else you would have never let me … be like that with you." The end of his sentence dropped off as if he suddenly grew shy.
"If you already knew, then why did you have to ask?"
"Don't be insensitive."
"Insensitive?" Akira cried, voice rising, picking up steam at the insult. "How am I insensitive?"
"You just are," Hikaru shot back childishly, and a full fledged argument had begun. Although this one was not based off of a Go game, it was just as immature as those shouting matches their post game discussions always degenerated into.
"Am not!" Akira insisted heatedly.
"Are TOO!" Hikaru argued.
"Well, then you're a mindless idiot," Akira accused.
"Idiot?" Hikaru all but shrieked. Somehow, Hikaru found himself out of his original seat and directly in Akira's face, although he was unaware of actually moving. Instead of keeping up with argument, Hikaru thought better of the situation. Lightly, he grasped the other boy's shoulders, pushed him down, and followed suit with the falling flow. "Who's the idiot now?" he asked on his hands and knees above the other boy, a smug smile curving his lips.
"What are you doing?" Akira asked. "My parents are in the next room and – mmmmmph!"
Indignant, muffled sounds rose from Akira, but Hikaru's lips prevented them from being intelligible. "You want me, too," he whispered, in between kisses.
Yes, Akira thought, confirming an earlier thought process. Tomato red is the new color of my face, and I bet it's permanent,too.
"Say it!" Hikaru requested, breaking off the kiss.
"You've already assessed the situation," Akira replied, voice thick. He licked his lips, which were swollen and red from the pressure that had been put on them.
"Why can't you tell me?" Hikaru asked. "Why can't you tell me that I'm worth something to you?" He closed his eyes for a brief moment before opening them again. Pain, the raw emotion shone in his bright eyes. From his position on all fours above Akira, his fingers dug into Akira's shoulders causing the other boy to gasp. "Why can't you tell me?" he asked again, shaking the slim shoulders that stayed in his grasp.
The broken look on Hikaru's face caused Akira to relent a bit, giving up some of that emotionless persona he was so used to having. "You know you are," he answered.
"Then say it to me," Hikaru requested.
"Why do you need to hear it, if you already know?" Akira asked softly.
"I just need you to say it!" Hikaru cried, hands gripping Akira's shoulders until knuckles became white with the pressure.
Akira thought that he had already reached his state of maximum redness, but yet, again he was proved wrong. "It's embarrassing," he said, turning away. Even though his eyes weren't on Hikaru's, he noticed the desperation in those green eyes that searched his face in need of acceptance and validation. Akira only bit his lower lip, unresponsive to Hikaru's pleading face.
"Embarrassing?" Hikaru asked, unbelieving. "I don't understand!"
"We're both guys," Akira shot back. "How can you not understand what other people will think?"
"Other people, other people?" Angrily, he shook his head, eyes narrowing in on Akira's face. "I don't care about other people. All I care is what I think and what you think. And in this case we agree." All he wanted to do was to shake the boy he had trapped beneath him until he got response that he wanted, that he needed.
"Society isn't as carefree as you're trying to make it, Shindou," Akira attempted to explain. "There are rules and boundaries for things like this. How would you like it if your parents, Akari, or your other Go friends found out?"
Hikaru found himself speaking the answer he knew that was deep in his heart. "I wouldn't care! When you have someone you care about, you don't let go. Never again will I let …" His sentence drained into a barely stifled sob.
Sai, he couldn't help but thinking. I miss you. I have missed you, and there hasn't been a day that I don't regret not cherishing your company more when I had the chance. I'm sorry. So sorry, Sai. I've learned from you that I never want to let anyone else important get away.
"You're the one that's hard to understand," Akira whispered, reaching up and touching Hikaru's face, feeling warm wetness slide slickly down his fingertips. "Why are you like this? Sometimes you're so carefree. Other times it's like you've been through terrible ordeals that you think no one will ever be able to understand." His last statements were more like comments rather than anything that required a response.
Hikaru flinched from Akira's soft touch, sitting back on his heels, finally letting the dominant grip on his rival slip away. For a moment, he just felt completely lost, eyes growing dim, forlorn, glazed over in thought. Memories rushed over him, some of which were more than four years old. Akira's chase after Sai with those eyes; never had Hikaru seen such passionate, focused eyes in his life, especially from someone who was his own age. Spurred on, he had begun his own frantic race to catch up to those eyes, to be something that they would recognize. He had come so far, but still fell short. Frustrated, hands clenched into tight fists with short nails biting into the flesh of his palms, carving four delicate crescent moons in their wake.
"I like you, Touya." Hikaru said simply. "I wouldn't mind telling anyone." With that, his attention focused back on his dark haired counterpart, who had sat up to face him.
Heart beating quickly, Akira knew what he needed to say, but so many other faces flashed in his mind. At the end, his father's eyes bored into him.
I like you, Hikaru, he thought trembling slightly, knowing very well the depth of his desire. But, what would my parents think? What would everyone think? Even as he opened his mouth, he found that no words would come. He couldn't understand why he was so hesitant, so reluctant to admit that Hikaru was very special to him. He just couldn't do it, because the moment he admitted that he needed someone was the moment that someone could hurt him. Years of intentional isolation had kept him from that possibility. And he just couldn't quite bring himself to say the words. All he felt was pressure from all around, drumming harshly against his shoulders, making him feel as if he were impossibly heavy: parents, the Go world, himself, and now Hikaru.
"I get it," Hikaru finally said when no words came from Akira's mouth. "You're ashamed of your feelings for me." The look on his face was absolutely crestfallen. He pushed trembling lips into a fine line to keep them as still as possible. What the hell was I expecting from Touya? he ranted to himself. Go is all he cares about. I was a fool to think that for just one moment … for just one moment…I could be included.
The tears were once again coming, and he wasn't sure if he could stop them. Shaking hair into his eyes to cover his dejection, he managed a brave smile. "I have to go," he said in the most collected voice he could muster.
"No!" Akira cried, as he saw Hikaru retreat from his room. His back was getting smaller and smaller with each step. "I … I –"
"Don't bother contacting me until you've decided what you want," Hikaru interrupted. Although his voice was soft, the words and tone were powerful enough to cut through Akira's unorganized thoughts. Wordlessly, he shut the door quietly behind him, leaving Akira submerged in a turmoil of clashing desires that left him feeling more lost and confused than he had ever been in his life.
Author's notes: Yay! Something happened in this chapter. I may be a tad bit too preoccupied with things happening in every chapter. Is my story too predictable? Umm, probably, lol. Hopefully it's an enjoyable predictability. Yeah, review, and all that good junk.
Oh and to clarify, chapter 6 the most fun chapter to write up to that point, but it wasn't the most fun chapter to write overall. That award goes to chapter 10. : smiles innocently : Look forward to it.