Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not going to even pretend.
Author's notes: I think I've done something awful … : apologizes ahead of time and hides :
Chapter 11: Without Him – Part II
With the coming of dusk, the park emptied quickly, becoming abandoned, and Akira found himself seated at one of the benches, staring at the black, shiny leather that encased his feet. The wind whipped hair into his face, and as he reflexively brushed a hand across his face, he was surprised to feel a streak of wetness on his cheek. Tears. He hadn't even realized that he was crying, although he wasn't the least bit surprised. That empty feeling had returned, but it was worse than it had been that morning. Instead of not know what he was missing, he knew exactly what had slipped away from him. Every last nerve was very much aware of the aching sensation of loss. He felt as if he wanted to throw up, and even though the retching came, his stomach offered no food to fulfill the action. Again, he was left to his own lonely misery.
I never understood you until now, Akira thought regretfully. Shindou, I'm so sorry. Your passion, your sadness. It was silly now, but he felt as if he really understood the other boy so much better now. But what was his understanding worth now? Now that it was too late. His face twisted with sorrow as his thoughts returned to the previous night's conversation.
"When you have someone you care about, you don't let go. Never again will I let …" Hikaru had stopped there. Although Akira knew very well at the time how the sentence ended, he felt as if he understood the sentiment behind the words for the first time. In fact, Hikaru's sadness was making much more sense, and it pained and frustrated him that he never really understood the other boy until this point.
It's too late now; I'm too late. With that, he buried his face in his hand and collected his own bitter tears. For the first time, he felt as if he could fill all of the blanks in Hikaru's statements. In the past year, on more than one occasion, the blonde banged boy would be smiling; that smile would then drop off of his face, and his eyes would fill with wisdom and sadness. He would often start saying something, but would always trail off in the middle. Akira recalled one such instance.
"I was afraid you had di…" Hikaru had once said. The word, Akira realized, it's disappeared. Hikaru's fear had now become Akira's reality. Don't disappear on me, Shindou, he thought, shaking his head as if it would change the fact of the matter.
"Don't disappear. Don't leave me by myself," he whispered, shutting his eyes painfully. With a firm resolve, he wiped his eyes, forbidding any more tears from falling. But when he opened his eyes once more, he was very aware of falling sakura blossoms and another figure, an odd presence, really. A beautiful young man with a long, flowing deep purple mane tied loosely in the back stood in front of him. His calm blue eyes were arresting and his smile gentle. The long flowing robes customary of the Heian covered him from head to toe, and the tall hat made him even more imposing.
"Who are you?" Akira asked, knowing very well that what he was seeing didn't make sense. Still, he was captivated by this presence that exuded a calm kindness about him. The smile spread a bit more, while a sympathetic light shone in his blue eyes. He motioned with a hand, wordlessly, and for some reason, Akira found himself following the seemingly mute figure.
"I'm going to show you something," the other person said. The voice matched him perfectly, conveying the same sort of reassurance as his presence.
Although Akira heard these words, he realized that the purple-haired beauty did not actually speak. He just stood, gliding along at a quick pace that same smile on his face.
As they walked, Akira begun to realize that he no longer knew where they were. He had no idea when the park had disappeared and had been replaced by a tunnel of some sort. All he could see was a fuzzy picture at the end that was coming into focus, slowly but surely. So, Akira kept on walking, following the other man, who seemed to know what was going on. When purple haired man in front of him stopped and held arms out to either side, he knew it was time to stop. He could now make out the picture, a scene, really, playing out in front of his eyes.
It was Hikaru, a Hikaru that Akira had never seen before. He was riffling through something, old kifu books, hands moving desperately, eyes searching for something.
Are those Shuusaku's? Akira wondered, curiosity piqued. Something told him his intuition was dead on.
"Where did you go?" the Hikaru in the image cried in a tortured voice. "SAAAAAAAAAAAI. Why'd you disappear? You wanted to play forever. I should have let you play." Akira could see tears well out of his rival's eyes, making messy splashes as he shook his head forcefully, as if trying to erase the truth of his situation.
Dumbfounded, Akira could only gape as he watched this Hikaru continue his rant in that same agonizing tone. "I didn't realize until now what a genius you were. I wasn't even good enough to notice! I'm no good without you. All of the games, I'll let you play them all, if only … Sai! Come back, SAAAAI!" Once again, tears of a crushed boy welled up in Hikaru's eyes, as he sobbed noisily, rubbing at a runny nose with the sleeve of his shirt.
Akira thought his heart stopped. Never had he felt such anguish before, and coming from Hikaru, the Hikaru that only showed him his good natured, lively side. Akira had to admit that this possibility crossed his mind before, but common sense had ruled it out. In order to confirm his theory, he decided to test it out for the unnamed companion that stood with him.
"So, Shindou was Sai. Or, no, rather Sai was a part of Shindou, living inside of him." He looked at the purple haired man for hints. "And you," he whispered. "You're Sai. The Hikaru I chased before the real Hikaru chased me."
The other man kept the same smile on his face, only tilting his head slightly to the left. But somehow that was the reassurance that Akira needed.
"It was because of you that I found him. And I thank you for that." The words were slowly coming from Akira, as if he wanted to be extra careful that he got everything absolutely correct.
Sai blinked in response, smile softening a bit at the edges, as if encouraging him to finish his thoughts.
"But it's Shindou now. My Go flows because of him. He's the one I need to be around." And it was the first time that Akira admitted aloud that he needed Hikaru. Once he said it, he knew the absolute truth to his words. Need. I need him.
Sai nodded his head ever so slightly, that same placating smile on his face. And again, Akira was hearing a voice in his head, even though he never saw Sai's lips move.
"Hikaru will tell you everything when he's ready. But you needed to see the truth, or at least part of it, now. Now, Touya-kun, wake up … wake up."
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Akira bolted upright from his tatami, shocked out of sleep. His breath was ragged, and his heart was beating as quickly as the wings of a caged bird that wanted desperately to escape. Cold sweat drenched his entire body as he wrapped his arms around himself to return warmth to himself. His face felt stiff, and he realized that salt residue had been left behind by the tears he had shed in his sleep. Quickly, he looked at his clock. It was 8 a.m., and he needed to reach Hikaru without delay. He walked over to his desk and opened his cell phone. Hikaru's number was one of the only ones in it, and so he let speed dial take care of the rest.
Author's notes: Dun hurt me. Chapters 10 and 11 were originally one chapter, but someone, you know who you are, convinced me that it'd be fun to split it up.
I was surprised that many ppl seemedreceptive to amnesia-Hikaru. I feel like I've let you all down, so I'm going to attempt to reason some things. I had planned on using a dream sequence the whole time and thought subtleties indicated that happenings were a bit … amiss. For example, if Hikaru had been in an accident, he'd most likely still be in the hospital the next day. Additionally, if Akira were in his right mind, he would have never forgotten Hikaru in the beginning. If chapter 10 had been real, there would have been some logical fallacies (which were probably overlooked due to the emotional quality of the chapter).
That being said, I have been entertaining the idea of what would happen if Hikaru really lost his memory (thanks to a challenge given by a friend who told me this chapter was a cop-out). Let's just say it's a work in progress. I hope I can pull it off, and I hope you guys'll read it when/if I get if off the ground. It'll the 3rd in the series of HikaAki ffs I'm attempting to do.