Disclaimer: The closest I get to owning Hikago is all of the paraphernalia I've bought. I have socks with Akira on them, seriously. They are so cute.

Author's Notes: First update for a while. Sorry! I blame beginning of school rush and no internet. (I still have no internet ... I'm updating at the computer labs : sobs : I MISS INTERNET!) But I wouldn't not update, especially seeing that today celebrates a happy occasion. : nods : It's 9/20; happy birthday, Hikaru! Or will it be ... ?

Chapter 13: Contemplations

"Hello?" Hikaru spoke to the phone cautiously. He had told Akira not to contact him until he had decided what he wanted. Now that the other boy was on the phone, Hikaru became aware of the dull beating of his heart as he wondered whether being contacted so early was a good or a bad thing. A sick, nervous feeling washed over him. Palms began to sweat; heart beat began to quicken as he prepared himself for rejection, just in case the news was not good.

"Shindou." Akira paused after only saying his name. He wanted to ask to see if the boy knew who he was, but felt stupid in doing so in case the boy did. The dream that he had just had disturbed him, shaking him to his very core and awakening him rudely to the fact that he indeed had a lot to lose.

"Touya, what is it?" Hikaru asked, interrupting Akira's thoughts. "It's eight in the morning, and you're calling me. What is it you need to say?" After realizing that he had blurted out his true thoughts, Hikaru sucked in a breath and awaited his fate.

"I need to talk to you." The statement was simple and cut straight to the point, but the pause that followed it indicated deeper thoughts.

"Yes, so go ahead and talk." Hikaru urged. Patience had never been one of his strong points, and Akira's hesitation was simply torturing him.

Oh, this is not going well, Akira thought knowing very well that his emotions were making his usually controlled personality flounder. "I mean," he corrected, "I need to see you."

Hikaru paused. This is a good thing, right? "You need to see me," he repeated slowly, just to make sure he had heard correctly.

"Yes," Akira answered, shortly.

"Like now?" Hikaru affirmed dumbly.

"If it wasn't now, why would I be calling?" Akira asked, irritated. Vaguely, he realized the oddity of how his feelings of utmost worry were fading back into comfortable familiarity.

"I don't know," Hikaru answered, truly puzzled. "Alright. I can head over to your place. I can be over there in a little less than an hour."

"No!" Akira cried. "Stay at home. I'll go to you." Even though the dream of Hikaru's memory loss had already begun to fade from a possible reality to just a dream, he was uneasy about tempting fate. If the other boy didn't have to move, then that was the preferred option.

"You want to come here at 8 in the morning?" Hikaru asked incredulously. "Touya, what's wrong?" An uncomfortable silence ensued, and for a moment, Hikaru thought that they had been disconnected. "Touya?" he tried again. "Are you still there?"

Akira exhaled loudly, not knowing how to respond to Hikaru's curiosity. "Yes, I'm still here." Fingers went to pinch the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve the tension that had begun to build up. "I just would much rather talk to you in person. I'll be there as soon as possible."

Before he knew it, Hikaru found himself listening to a dead line, the soft, empty humming providing the only indication.

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Like clockwork, Akira went through his everyday morning ritual, washing his face, brushing his teeth. For time's sake, he decided to forgo breakfast. And soon, he found himself completely dressed, surveying his final appearance in the mirror. Green eyes sparked a little, even while the rest of his face remained impassive. His lips were pressed together into a grim, straight line. A tiny, almost ironic smile, tugged at the corners of his mouth as he ran a hand through his hair, smoothing out the bangs. Shaking his head, he left the house quietly and walked towards the train station. On his way, he contemplated what he exactly wanted to accomplish in this meeting.

I don't want to lose him, he admitted to himself, pace quickening. Glancing at his watch, he realized if he hurried he could make an earlier train than he had planned. The urgency that he felt to see Hikaru indicated just how important the other boy's presence was to him. Deep inside, he knew that he couldn't imagine a day without Hikaru, a constant reminder of his passions, both of them. He simply could not let the dream he had had the night before become reality. Biting his lower lip thoughtfully, he boarded the train wondering what the correct course of action would be.

I want him to always be there. And I want to be with him … but … Something deep inside still nagged at him. Although he had come to the realization of how much Hikaru meant to him, he was still hesitant, unsure about the ramifications of what starting a relationship with Hikaru could bring. If the Go world found out about the two of them, they would definitely be gossiped about. Inside, he felt himself waver, knowing that he already had more attention than he wanted on him without having his personal life scrutinized. And his parents, he didn't know what would happen if his parents ever found out. The disapproving looks that he was imagining weren't helping the situation at all.

As his emotions battled, the train drew closer to the station that was within walking distance to Hikaru's house. Delicate fingers gently massaged the temples of his head as his mind worked out scenario after scenario. For just a moment, he wished that logic and self-restraint would leave him. He wished that he could allow his emotions to rule without considerations of social normalities or the risks that this sort of an endeavor would entail.

Throughout this process, he realized something else. I'm scared. As he became gradually aware of that fact, he felt the severity of each of his heartbeats increase, the pounding sensation almost becoming painful.

If I leave things like they are now, nothing will change. I know that things will remain the way that I'm used to them: seeing Hikaru everyday and playing wonderful games with him. But if I give into these feelings, if I admit them to him and a relationship starts … what will happen if it doesn't work out?

He hated his logic, hated the fact that he was had the foresight to consider all potential outcomes to every action he could possibly take. More than that, he hated the self doubt that he had deep inside. The strong uncertainty that he felt about himself gave away to self loathing, which rose up from the pit of his stomach and began to eat its way to his heart. What if I can't measure up? What if he decides that I'm not good enough for him?

Lack of confidence paralyzed Akira as the most recent set of thoughts cycled rapidly through his mind. For the longest time, he had known that Hikaru was special, that he had a particular aura to him. The thought of the other boy's warm smile caused his stomach knot and twist within itself, but the possibility that things would not work out ran rampant through his mind.

What would he do if that happened? There would be no way that things would ever be normal after the admittance of any type of romantic feelings. That detestable self doubt sloshed turbulently within Akira, threatening to devour him as he exited the train. Biting his lip, he stepped onto the platform, realizing that he was still uncertain about how to play out the inevitable conversation that he was about to have with Hikaru.

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Hikaru sat anxiously waiting for Akira's arrival. Unable to focus on any of his thoughts, he chose to watch his hands, which refused to stay idle, wring in his lap. Left hand over right hand, then right hand over left hand, and then left hand over right hand.

He was driving himself crazy. Shaking his head, he raised his hands slightly and then smacked them down on his thighs, forcing them to stay still. Fingers dug into the jeans that he was wearing, bunching the material, shoving into the flesh underneath. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he couldn't help but feel disgusted as he watched his right foot begin to bounce up and down.

GAH! Wiggle leg syndrome. Clawed hands tried to slow the movement, tried to force the leg to stop moving, but to no avail. What was he so nervous about? Akira wanted to see him, wanted it so badly that he had waken him up. That could only be a good sign. But as time passed, Hikaru found nerves eating away at his confidence. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he could never quite read his rival; perhaps it was due to the fact that he desperately needed some sort of acknowledgement from Akira. Whatever the reasons were, he couldn't seem to calm himself down, and to attest to that fact, he felt the dampness of sweaty palms soak through the cloth of his jeans.

I should be looking for him, he chided himself from his spot on a bench at he train station. He turned green eyes forward and tried to spot one familiar dark head out of the multitudes of people that were rushing out of the train…

Author's notes: I like descriptions. : sheepish grin : Long, pointless, rambling descriptions (which I hope you all enjoy reading). One of those non-event based chapters that I'm not too particularly fond of. : frowns : But, as always, reviews are appreciated (and strongly encouraged).

- The next chapter will be the last one. I know what's going to happen but have to go about making sure that it all comes out right. Until then ...