Author/Banshee Queen: (Laughs hysterically) "I just can't get over the fact that I made Achilles act like he's got a gherkin thrust up his backside (he he he) or in other words like he's on his 'cycle'. Anyway enough of my shockingly bad humour, on with the parody."

Disclaimer: "I CLAIM EVERYTHING! I OWN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING IS MINE! There, I said it. Lol."

Chp 14: Coffee Obeys

It is early morning & the Myrmidons are getting ready for battle. Eudorus followed by Patroclus enter Achilles hut.

Eudorus: "Dude wake up we got men to kill."

Achilles: (Wakes up annoyed) "That's what I do for a living isn't it?"

Eudorus: "Yes but the army is marching don't you think we should?"

Achilles: "No."

Eudorus: "Well if you're going to look at it that way I guess I'll have to sing you a song my lord-

Over hill, over tail we have hit the dusty trail as the mountains go rolling along And it's hi hi he in the field artillery-

Achilles: (Through gritted teeth) "Kill the song Eudorus, I just woke up."

Eudorus: (Stops short clearly disappointed) "Oh well ok, I guess I'll just go & hang myself." (About to cry)

Achilles: "You do that."

Patroclus: "Here buddy, a noose for you!" (Thrusts noose in Eudorus' face)

Eudorus: (Looks annoyed) "Anyway as I was saying, the men are ready."

Achilles: "Dude you are really pushin' it. I'm boss around here & if I say you massage my feet, you massage my feet! Speaking of which…(Points to feet)

(Eudorus groans & gets down on knees in front of Achilles feet. He throws up when he sees Achilles toe-jam)

Achilles: "Really Eudorus its not that bad. Anyway, we stay till' Agamemnon groans to have Achilles back."

Patroclus: "Ummm Achilles, that's not a very good idea, you know that wine-drinking pig, he's horny from the time the sun comes up till' when the sun goes down & he wants you bad. Like really dude, its sickening."

Achilles: "Shut your pie-hole. Eudorus get out of my sight." (Points to doorway)

Eudorus: (Gets up from massaging feet & places his hands on his hips) "Well my my my we do blow hot & cold this morning now don't we?"

Achilles: "You know what else I was thinking of blowing?"

Eudorus: "What?"

Patroclus: "Please don't answer that Achilles."

Achilles: (Snaps) "Shut your face! Well I was thinking of blowing Briseis but…now I've thought of an even better idea. I was thinking of blowing you off this goddamn planet Eudorus with the tip of my boot! And where's my coffee?"

(Eudorus stomps out of hut grumbling)

Achilles: "Are you ready to fight? To kill? To take life?"

Patroclus: "I am."

Achilles: "No your not."

Patroclus: "Whatever."

Achilles: "At night I see their faces, all the men I've killed. They're standing there on the far bank of the River Styx. They're waiting for me. They say 'welcome brother'…& then they hand me a beer."

Patroclus: (Looks suspiciously at Achilles) "Have you been into my weed stash?"

Achilles: "Maaaaaaaaaaaybe. Those bongs are wretched things. I taught you why to fight but I never taught you how to fight."

Patroclus: "Whaaaaaaaaa? You have been into my weed stash!"

(Eudorus comes into hut with mug of coffee)

Eudorus: "Here we are my lord, your coffee as you asked."

(Achilles takes a sip then spits)

Achilles: "No sugar!" (Throws mug of BOILING coffee at Eudorus. Eudorus screams & tries to cool down scolds with jug of water)

(Eudorus hobbles out of hut with help of Patroclus)

Patroclus: "It's that time of the month isn't it?"

Eudorus: "Yes, but I swear I don't know how he manages it, he's a man, or by what he has told me."

Patroclus: "Same."

Author/Banshee Queen: "The upcoming chapters are gonna' be huge guys, keep tuned."