Author/Banshee Queen: "This would have to be the longest chapter so far in my Troy Parody. This chapteris long,but it's worth the humour. Please review this one guys. Regards, Banshee Queen. "

Disclaimer: (Gobbles down Troy) "There! I own it! Ha!"

Chp 15: Brave Offer for a Mint

We see Helen at the wall of Troy looking out for Agamemnon's army as are Troy's soldiers who are all assembled. Hector & Paris are sitting on horseback in front of the army

Hector: "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Paris: "I started this war didn't I?"

Hector: "Yes you did & its' gonna cost me my li- I mean leg."

Audience: "Awww thanks a lot Hector! You really are dumber than you look!"

Hector: (Chuckles nervously)

(Helen looks down at Paris & smiles, but her smile is interrupted by a blinding white light. Helen recoils & shields her eyes, Paris is down below maneuvering his shield with the suns rays trying to blind her)

Paris: "Tee hee."

Priam: "Helen."

(Helen turns around)

Priam: "Sit on me."

Helen: "What did you just say?"

Priam: "Uhhhh I mean sit with me. He he, yeah that's what I meant to say."

(Sits next to Priam but edges to the edge of her seat nervously watching him)

(All the Greek armies put together pull up on Priam's doorstep. All the leaders gather to talk)

Agamemnon: "I see you're not hiding behind your high walls, & we weren't smart enough to bring any ladders since they haven't been invented yet, but hey you've got the benefit of the doubt that I will bring you to your knees Hector." (Winks at Hector)

Hector: (Looks repulsed & confused) "You come here uninvited to my birthday party, if I wanted you to come I would've sent you an invitation, but I haven't so piss off."

Paris: "It's your birthday?"

Hector: "Yes. Sweet 16 Paris." (Grins)

Agamemnon: (Licks lips) "Back to the subject- we've come too far to miss out on birthday cake now Prince Hector."

Hector: "I'm sorry I ate it all."

Agamemnon: "Oh really now? I'd like to see one solid piece of evidence."

(Hector sticks fingers down throat & chucks cake up)

Agamemnon: "Then again maybe not."

Menelaus: "Prince? What Prince? What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, smoke his weed, drink his booze & then steal his wife in the middle of the night?"

Paris: "The sun was shining when your wife left you, though I'm a bit vague as to where its gone now, probably shoved up some place where it'll never shine again- Paris coughs 'Menelaus' arse'

Menelaus: "She's up there watching isn't she? Good. I want her to watch you die." (Makes to lift up skirt)

Agamemnon, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Hector, & Paris: "No no no no no no no no!"

Menelaus: "No? Well ok." (Turns around)

(Agamemnon, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Hector, & Paris all let out sigh of relief)

Agamemnon: "Not yet brother." (Shudders) Look around you dude, I brought all the warriors of Greece to your shores. I have two wishes. If you grant them, no more of your posse up in da club will die."

Hector: "Mmmmm ok." (Looks confused)

Agamemnon: "First you must give the blonde bimbo back to my bro, & second you must spend one night with me."

Menelaus, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, Paris & Hector: "Whaaaaaaaaa?"

Agamemnon: (Stutters) "Uhhhh I mean you must submit to me whenever I call."

Hector: "Ok I don't like where this is going."

Menelaus, Ajax, Nestor, Odysseus, & Paris: "Neither do we."

Agamemnon: "I mean your army you idiot."

Hector: "Oh ok…no. You want me to look upon your army & tremble? Well I see them & damn they ain't pretty Aggy. I see 50 000 men brought here to fight for one man's lust."

Agamemnon: "Careful boy, my mercy has limits."

Hector: "Who you callin' boy?"

Agamemnon: "You."

Hector: "Aaaah that would be him." (Points to Paris)

Paris: (Waves hand) "Hey I'm over here."

Hector: "Dude I've seen the limits of your mercy & I am telling you now with the uttermost promise that no son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler, no matter how disgusting his urges are!" Looks Agamemnon up & down then shivers

Agamemnon: "Oh well guess its down the drain for you & your posse."

(Hector gives him an evil look then Agamemnon turns away)

Paris: "There is another way."

(Agamemnon turns around & Hector looks at Paris)

Hector: "Oh God what now."

Paris: "I love Helen…I think. I wont give her up coz' she's my favourite toy- I mean lover- I mean she is my love & I love her."

Menelaus, Agamemnon & Hector: "Spit it out!"

Paris: "Anyway you won't give her up like I won't so let us have a little cat-fight. Whoever's got the most scratches on their face will burn on the BQ & the other will take the bit- I mean blonde home."

Agamemnon: (Laughing) "A brave offer, but not enough." (Walks away)

Menelaus: (Whispering into Agamemnon's ear) "Let me kill this little peacock. Let me hear im' squawk."

Agamemnon: (Steps back from Menelaus) "I didn't come here for your Britney-clone-wife. I came here for Troy…& for Hector." (Turns around & winks at Hector)

(Hector jumps back disgusted & surprised)

Menelaus: "I came for my honour. His every breath insults me."

Agamemnon: "Yeah bro & yours is kickin', dude you need a mint or something coz' I'm dyin' over here." (Waves a hand in front of his face)

Menelaus: "Yeah sorry bout' that. Let me kill him. Then when he's lying in the dust give the signal to attack. You'll have Hector, I'll have my revenge."

(Agamemnon turns head slightly & sees Hector doing his morning stretches, trying to touch the tip of his toes. His behind facing toward Agamemnon's direction. Agamemnon smiles)

Agamemnon: (To Menelaus) "So be it. Dude you really need a tic-tac."

Menelaus: (Rolls eyes) "I accept your so called 'challenge' if you can even call it that. And tonight, I'll drink to your bones."

Paris: "Well why don't you drink now, there's hardly anything on me & I'm pretty sure by tonight there won't be left much of me."

(Menelaus smiles. Paris gulps. They both go to get their weapons)

Hector: "Make him swing & miss he'll tire, he's so fat I'm surprised he can even move at all."

Paris: (Nods nervously) "Yo bro I'm not really good at these unmanly speeches but hey who said I even was a man!"

(Hector raises an eyebrow)

Paris: "Ummm what I mean to say is if I fall tell Helen- tell her"

Hector: "I will."

Paris: "Don't let fat-boy hurt her. If he-

Hector: "You think of your sword & his sword & nothing else. And I mean nothing else Paris, just for once get karma sutra outta' your head."

Paris: (Nods nervously then hugs Hector)

(Paris & Menelaus fight. Menelaus cuts Paris' leg. Paris groans in pain & falls to the ground)

Menelaus: "See the crows? They've never tasted Prince before."

Paris: "Yeah & it seems like you've never tasted a mint before either. Dude that is comin' off nasty!" (Covers nose & mouth)

(Menelaus goes to cut off Paris head but Paris crawls away to Hector's feet)

Menelaus: (To Helen) "Is this what you left me for?"

Helen: (Shouts out over wall) "Who's the fat one between you two? Ha? Answer me that!"

(Paris latches onto Hector's leg)

Menelaus: "Fight! Fight me! You coward! Fight me! We have a pact! Fight!"

Priam: "Fright him son, fright him."

Helen: (Looks a Priam) "You really need to work on your grammar."

Agamemnon: "The Trojans have violated the agreement! Just like I do with every sexy solider I meet."

(Army stares at Agamemnon in disgust)

Agamemnon: "I mean prepare for battle!"

Menelaus: "This is not honour, this is not worthy of royalty! If he doesn't fight, Troy is doomed."

Hector: "The fight is over, & the only one who's doomed is your dentist."

Menelaus: "The fight is not over, stand back Prince Hector. I'll kill him at your feet I don't care."

Hector: "He is my brother."

(Menelaus goes to kill Paris but Hector pulls out his sword & stabs Menelaus in the gut. Menelaus falls over & dies. Everyone sees & Agamemnon's cries for the army to charge. Agamemnon's army charges. Paris limps back to grab the sword of Troy)

Hector: Shouts "Paris what the hell?"

(Paris gets onto horse & rides to the gates of Troy)

Hector: "Get inside Paris since you're too weak & dumb to lead an army."

(Paris gives him the evil eye)

Hector: "Archers!"

Odysseus: (To Agamemnon) "Our men are too close to the walls."

Hector: "For Troy!"

(Both armies collide. Lots of blood, lots of killing. Hector sees Ajax killing some Trojans. He rides off to meet him. Ajax knocks him off his horse. They fight. Hector stabs him with a spear. Ajax strangles Hector. Hector stabs him with sword, Ajax dies. Trojans cheer. More men die on both sides.)

Odysseus: (To Agamemnon) "We need to retreat!"

Agamemnon: "My army's never lost a battle yet."

Odysseus: "You won't have an army wise-guy!"

Agamemnon: "Awwww crud, you're right. Retreat!"

(Agamemnon's army retreats)

Hector: "Fall back men!"

Lysander: "But my Prince, we have them on the run."

Hector: "We're in range of their archers dumb shit. Sometimes I don't know why I made you third in command."

Lysander: "I'm not third I'm fourth."

Hector: "Figures."