Mr. Wormtail and His Utterly Confidential Talk with the Absolutely Not Gay Sirius Black

"You do stare at him," Peter says. "A lot."

Sirius tries to kill Peter with a look. He wonders if maybe it works and Peter is just a fidgety corpse because he does shut up. Sirius waits a few seconds. He decides that a quiet Wormtail is just as good as a dead Wormtail and starts to pace across the dorm again.

He comes to a halt when Peter says, "You did ask."

"You're supposed to lie," Sirius explains. "You're supposed to say 'No, Sirius, you are definitely not a poof.'"

"I never said you were a poof," Peter replies. He's a bit wide eyed, having never used the word 'poof' and unsure why Sirius was angry with him for having words put in his mouth. But then Peter is always a bit wide eyed and Sirius is far to caught up in pacing to notice. "Just that you do sort of act like you fancy Remus."

Sirius's fist clench. His eyes narrow. He looks like he's going to explode, or like he wants Peter to explode. He definitely wants to see an explosion of some kind. "I do not fancy Remus," he barks when he realizes that now, for once, is not the time to blow something up. Peter nods and quickly finds thing that are less scary to look at than Sirius. He keeps his eyes trained on the bedding, only chancing another look at Sirius when he eyes go crossed.

"I do not fancy Remus," Sirius repeats. Ever since James had cornered him this had been his mantra. He chants it as many times as he can when it isn't going to raise suspicion, and occasionally even when it will. "And I do not look at him,full stop" Sirius fixes Peter with another look that is meant to maim. Peter remains perfectly alive and un-mutilated. He does get more fidgety, though. "At all."

Peter nods vigorously. He hopes that Sirius gets the message and stops scowling at him like that. All he had done was answer when asked if he thought there was something odd about the way Sirius acts with Remus.

James had warned him that he might be asked. "Don't lie, Wormtail," James had said with one of those looks that is amusing when directed at Snape but not half as much when it's trained on Peter. "I'll know if you lie to him."

Between the twocomma Peter was slightly more afraid of Sirius, but thought it much more likely for James to keep his promise. He had decided beforehand that the best compromise was by neither lying nor answering in full.

Peter wonders where this plan went wrong. Sirius starts pacing again.

"Most people look at their friends," Peter reasons. Sirius either doesn't hear him or is ignoring him. Peter hopes it's the latter and wonders if he can sneak out. "It's not like you're his stalker."

"Exactly," Sirius snaps at no one in particular. Peter still jumps a little and covers his mouth to cut off a squeak. "Prongs is the idiot. He's the one chasing Evans around like... Like a stalker."

Peter nods with the enthusiasm of someone no longer in danger of having a firework stuffed down their pants. "It's not as though you have a list of Moony's favorite things hidden under your pillow."

Sirius agrees. Not that he would need a list. Everyone knows that Remus loves to learn about magical creatures and reading old books that smell like mold and drinking hot chocolate with a bit of cinnamon added in and sitting outside during new moons and wrapping himself in as many clothes as possibly during the winter to arm himself against Sirius's and James's magicked snowballs.

"Or that you spend twice as much on his present than you do on all your other friends' combined."

"Or you constantly follow him about."

"Or you purposely knocking any guy you thought might almost be interested in him off his broom during matches."

Sirius was a beater. It was his job to knock people off their brooms. The fact that Connor and Remus spent time studying together couldn't stop him from helping Gryffindor win a game or two.

"Or that you practically hex anyone who tries to take your spot next to him in class."

"Or that you sit around and listen to him ranting just because he's the one talking."

"Or send him something anonymous during a bad Valentine's just so he'll feel better about himself."

Sirius vaguely remembers sending Remus flowers that one year, but that was meant as a joke and they all knew it. Besides, biting tiger lilies that sung about someone's pants weren't exactly romantic.

"Or memorize his timetable so that you can walk with him from class to class."

"Or take an OWL level course you don't need just to be in the same room as him."

"Or that you've got at least ten detentions beating someone up for saying something nasty about him."

Things that any friend would do for each other, Sirius thinks.

"Or that you stop doing certain things because you know they annoy him."

"Or that you make sure you never have another date for Hogsmeade visits if he doesn't."

"Or that you plan things around when you're going to be with him."

"Or ever tried bribing him to spend time with you."

"Or spent hours talking about him with your friends."

"Or ever had anyone ask if you were going out even though you weren't."

"Or commented on how he looked."

"Or how he smelled."

Peter pauses, lifting his chin and screwing up his face in concentration as if thinking over everything he just said. "No. At least you're not as pathetic as James." Peter is sure he could hear James whining about that last comment. Not that it would mean anything, since he certainly couldn't argue that he hadn't done all those things and more.

The dorm door swings shut. Peter looks down at the heavy tread marks in the carpet, then up at the doorway again. "He's gone."

There is a swooshing sound when James pulls off the cloak. "Just because I'm invisible doesn't mean I can't see," He says. He messes with his hair to make sure the cloak didn't flatten it out. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Peter is still watching the door and fidgeting. He's been fidgeting constantly for a few years now but no one really seems to notice him all that much. "Do you think he got it?" He asks.

James nods. "He had to have, right?"

Peter gives a halfhearted shrug. He's never sure if he should agree with James or not when James sounds so doubtful of himself, so he settles on some sort of middle ground. "I guess," He says, biting at his lip. This doesn't make him feel any better. It's just a way for his face to fidget.

James gives a slightly more confident nod. "Good," He says. He throws the invisibility cloak at his open trunk. "And I'm not pathetic."

Peter shrugs.