Author/Banshee Queen: "Whoooooooooooooooooooo! If you guys thought that Chapter 19 rocked, then you have no idea what I have in store with you for Chapter 20 and Chapter 21, this one isa crack-up guys & I assure you you'll leave this cackin' yourselves & clutching your stomach's from so much laughter. I laughed so hard writing this one up. So here it is. Oh & thanks so much Queen Arwen for your review. So true bout' Hector/Eric Bana being the sexiest hero. Amen to that!" :D

Disclaimer: "It's Homer you should be thanking not me."

Chapter 20: Childish Games

(We see Achilles placing two coins over Patroclus' eyes & then climbing down the ladder from his pyre.)

Agamemnon: "That boy has just saved this war…he he he." (Whispers) "Now that Achilles is mourning now is the perfect time to-

Nestor: "Did you say something?"

Agamemnon: (Stutters) "Aaah no."

(Scene changes again and we see Achilles looking into a fire. Scene changes and we see Hector looking like he knows tomorrow the fight between him and Achilles will be his death when really he is trying to block the image of Andromache lying seductively on the bed behind him calling to him to join her. Both heroes are in the act of putting on their armour when the scene cuts.)

Achilles: (Throwing clothes wildly about the room) "Where the hell are my spanky pants?"

Eudorus: "Aaah My Lord, Patroclus was wearing your spanky pants when he died."

Achilles: "Damit!" (Pummels fist into palm) "I knew it!"

Scene changes again. It's morning and Achilles jumps up on his chariot. Eudorus jumps on behind him (cough).

Achilles: "No, not this time. Rope!"

(Myrmidons and Eudorus look at Achilles funny.)

Eudorus: "Aaah My Lord, isn't it to early in the day to be doing-

Achilles: "Geez does everything about sex revolve around me?"

(Tumble wheat blows past, Myrmidons shift their feet and cough.)

Achilles: "You know what, don't answer that."

Eudorus: "We weren't-

Achilles: "Shut up! Now hand me the damn rope."

(Myrmidons and Eudorus look at Achilles funny again.)

Achilles: "What do I blinkin' have to do around here for you guys to know I'm for once not talking about sex or anything kinky?"

Eudorus: "Well you could-

Achilles: "Goddamit! Since you're all incapable of seeing me saying 'rope' as something kinky I'll use the usual term; rein!"

Eudorus: "You could've just-

Achilles: "Oh to hell with it." (Rides off in chariot.)

Briseis: "Don't go!"

Achilles: (Halts chariot) "Oh for the love of-

Briseis: "Hector's my cousin!"

Achilles: "And you're only telling me that now?"

Briseis: "Umm, I guess so. Anyway he's a good man. Don't fight him. Please don't fight-

Achilles: "Look babe, you're bustin' ma balls here. I can't sit around the hut acting like the perfect little husband. It's not me. It's just not me. And I'm sorry that I couldn't make this work but one's gotta' do one's job and mine's killin."

Briseis: "But-

Achilles: "Oh whatever." (Waves hand in Briseis' direction.)

(Trojan royalty move to the walls and watch Achilles scream Hector's name out…Hector kneels before his father sitting on his throne.)

Hector: "Father…forgive me any offences. I've served you as best as I could." (Priam kisses Hector's forehead.) "O-k that was weird."

Priam: "Hector. I don't blame your mother for walking out on us, she abandoned us both the cheating little bitch-

Hector: "Ummm dad? What are you trying to say?"

Priam: "Oh right, yeah that. Well you know no father ever had a better son."

(Paris coughs)

Priam: (In a louder voice) "I said, no father ever had a better son."

(Hector comes to reluctantly stand in front of Glaucus.)

Glaucus: (Pupils are grotesquely large and black) "Apollo guard you my Prince."

Hector: (Disgusted) "And, you…dude." (Goes to hug Glaucus but then stops short.)

(Hector stands in front of Paris.)

Paris: "You're the best man I know, coz' even if I even were one I'd still be the same shithead that stands before you now."

Hector: "Mmmm hmm. You're a prince of Troy, I know you'll make me proud…in some weird unknown way."

Paris: (Smiles stupidly)

(Hector meets Andromache and their Astynax under a tower.)

Hector: "Remember what I told you."

Andromache: (Whispers) "You don't have to go, you don't."

Hector: (A little louder) "You remember what I told you."

Andromache: "Sheesh alright! Geez could you yell it any louder? My hearings bad enough already as it is."

(Hector kisses Astynax on the forehead & then Andromache.)

Andromache: "Hector…for old times sake, how bout' a last minute quickie?"

Hector: (Weighing up his chances) "Yeah why not hun I mean this is the last time we're ever gonna' see each other."

(5 minutes later and Achilles is still yelling out Hector's name…only now there are two people yelling out his name…)

Achilles: "Wait a minute, what the hell? WHERE THE HELL IS HECTOR?"

(Trojan royalty call Hector's name all over the palace until Paris shines a torch in a nearby guard tower.)

Paris: "Aaah found em' guys and damn- (takes a second, closer look) it ain't pretty."

(Hector, Andromache AND Astynax their baby, appear looking disheveled. Even their baby who they forgot about and got lost in the "tussle". Hector goes down to the gate with his spear and shield in hand when he notices a figure out of the corner of his eye.)

Hector: (Looks twice & sees Helen) "He-hey! Let me at her, let me at her!"

(6 Trojan guards spear tackle Hector to the ground, trying to restrain him.)

Hector: "I am a dying man and it's all because of that b- (parody beeps out naughty word) standing over there!"

Helen: "Oh yeah? You wanna' say sumthin' you come over here Westside boy!" (Gets halfway to Hector before she too is spear tackled into the ground by 6 Trojan guards.)

Hector: "What the hell? What is this? WWF?"

Helen: "I guess so."

Hector: "Well whatever, look out comin' through. Dead man comin' through." (Goes to walk to gate but then turns round' and makes a run for it to tackle Helen.)

(Next scene: We see Hector flying out head first through Troy's gates.)

Hector: (Gets up and brushes dust off. Flicks hair nervously towards Achilles direction.) "Oh…hi Achilles." (Places hands on hips in stuck-up manner.)

Achilles: (Nervously turning his shield behind him after he realizes Hector was watching him pick his teeth in its reflection.) "Oh…hi Hector." (Places hands on hips in stuck-up manner.) "Well I don't know about you, but I've been waiting here for about, oh let's just say…45 MINUTES in the hot and baking sun!"

Hector: "Umm, wouldn't you say that's doing you some good? Since you're always going on about your bloody tan and what not."

Achilles: "Yeah yeah yeah, well let's just get down to business."

Hector: "Ok fine. That's just fine by me."

Achilles: "That's fine by me too."

Hector: "That's fine by me too."

Achilles: "Well that's fine by me too."

Hector: "Well that's fine by me second."

Achilles: "Well that's just fine by me third."

Hector: "Well that's just- god this is so stupid Achilles, I'm not going to play your childish game."

Achilles: "Are to."

Hector: "Are not."

Achilles: "Are to."

Hector: "Are not."

Achilles: "ARE, TO!"

Hector: "ARE, NOT!"

Achilles: "ARE TO, FIRST!"

Hector: "ARE TO, SECOND- ugh this is just really lame dude. I've seen this crap moment in my dreams. I'll make a pact with you-

Achilles: "Dude, for the last time, I AM NOT GAY. Now would you just drop it."

Hector: "That's not what Eudorus told me."

Achilles: "What? How?"

Hector: (Sighs) "Mobile phones, a thing of the future buddy."

Achilles: "Hey! I'm not your buddy…freak."

Hector: "What? Did you just call me a freak?"

Achilles: (Imitates Napoleon Dynamite's voice) "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Gosh!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what am I?"

Achilles: "A freak!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what am I?"

Achilles: "A freak!"

Hector: "I know you are, you said you are but what- ok I'll just get to the point. With the gods as our witnesses, let us pledge that the winner will allow the loser all the proper funeral rituals."

Achilles: "There are no pacts between lions and men."

Hector: "Ha ha!" (Points to Achilles) "Now you're the freak!"

Achilles: "Am not."

Hector: "Are to."

Achilles: "Am not."

Hector: "Are to."

Achilles: "Whatever dude." (Takes helmet off & whips hair Charlie's Angel style.) "Now you know who you're fighting." (Bats eyelashes)

Hector: (Is repulsed, shifts uneasily) "Umm ok, I seriously think you should reconsider telling people the whole 'I am not gay thing' when you're seriously acting like it girlfriend." (Turns palm outward into Achilles direction)

Achilles: (Snorts) "Well gee who's gay now?"

Hector: "Aaah, you!" (Takes helmet off revealing a very bad case of helmet hair)

Achilles: (Points & laughs) "Ha ha! Helmet hair!" (Doubles over laughing)

Hector: "Shut up! It's a serious problem!"

Achilles: "Yeah I can see that." (Doubles over laughing again)

Hector: "Ugh whatever. I thought it was you I was fighting yesterday. And I wish it had been you, but I gave the dead boy the honour he deserved-

Achilles: "You gave him the honour of your sword and now I shall give you mine!"

Hector: "Pfft whatever. I can see now the stereotypical image you Greeks possess."

Achilles: "Oh yeah? And what might that be?"

Hector: "Gay Greeks."

Achilles: "Wow, how very unimaginative."

Hector: "Yeah, kinda' like the chicks you bone after sacking a city or other."

Achilles: "Umm dude, the last chick I boned would have to be, let me see…YOUR COUSIN!"

Hector: "Oh…I…bitch! You're askin' for it now!"

Achilles: "Mmm hmm, and I thought that I was the one who was gay!"

Hector: "You are."

Achilles: "Shaddup! You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You'll wander the underworld, blind, deaf and dumb, and all the dead will know; this is Hector, the fool who thought he boned Achilles."

(Hector's eyes widen in disgust, but not before Achilles' follows suit, just realizing what he had said.)

Hector: (Sighs & mumbles under breath) "And I thought I was the one who was gay…"

(Achilles & Hector run at each other, Achilles hits Hector's shield with his own. Helen comes to stand by Paris, Paris looks at Helen and they both immediately start pashing. Hector and Achilles keep fighting, Achilles knocks hector back a few times. Paris starts hyperventilating whilst watching the duel. Hector slices Achilles armour down the middle, it falls to the ground.)

Achilles: (Eyes Hector cheekily) "And I thought I was the one who was gay…"

(Hector throws up on the spot…for the twenty-fifth time in this whole Parody. Achilles kicks Hector and sends him 'flying' over a stone. Helen turns away. Priam wakes up from his afternoon nap and actually starts to watch his son fight. Andromache starts hyperventilating/crying.)

Achilles: "Get up Prince of Troy. Get up. I won't let a stone take my glory."

(Hector rolls his eyes and gets sliced in the leg by Achilles for his trouble. Achilles finally stabs Hector. Hector is on his knees in the dirt. Priam and Glaucus both squint in the afternoon sun. Paris bursts into tears, wailing loudly. Andromache and Helen both gasp, Helen lays her head on Andromache's shoulder and somehow her lips find her mouth…Achilles ties up Hector's feet to his chariot and rides off.)

Achilles: "Whoops, watch out Hector, there's a speed bump comin' up."

(Achilles arrives back in the Grecian camp. He drags Hector's body up the sand and stops at his hut.)

Achilles: (To Eudorus) "Get a fire going."

Eudorus: (Mortified) "WHAT?"

Achilles: "Ugh you know what to do."

(Achilles appears in the doorway of the hut. Briseis on catching sight of him, immediately bursts into tears.)

(Scene changes and we see Briseis sitting in the dark moping. Achilles is sharpening his sword.)

Briseis: "You're not going to use that on Hector are you?"

Achilles: (Ignores her)

Briseis: "You lost your cousin. Now you've taken mine."

Achilles: "Gee ya' think?"

Briseis: "When does it end?"

Achilles: "It never ends." (Watches Briseis leave & mutters under breath) "Woman…"

Briseis: (From outside hut) "I heard that!"

Achilles: "Yeah go jump!"

Briseis: "You first!"

Achilles: (Is surprised) "I never thought of that before…"

Briseis: (From outside tent) "Men…"

Author/Banshee Queen: "As the author of this Parody I order you to review! Give me a review guys, please, it's what keeps me going." :)