Author/Banshee Queen: "Woooooooooooot woooooo! Man I can't believe how fast I keep postin' up these chapters, its crazy! Thank you guys for the reviews, they really make my day & they really make me wanna' post up these chapters foryou quick as I can. He he he, this chapter is pretty funny, Priam acts like he's on his rags & Eudorus tries to make one final move on Achilles before he disappears forever from the screen. So let's farewell faithful, loving &- (chokes) horny Eudorus who is always willing to please his- (chokes again) master. Damn that is nasty.

Oh & illigitimate luv child will understand the last bit of this chapter with the Trojan rider. Refering to a conversation we were having the other day." ;D

Disclaimer: "Homer owns Troy. There I said it."

Chapter 22: One Last Try For Eudorus

(Scene changes to Agamemnon's tent showing all the kings of Greece gathered there.)

Agamemnon: "Achilles makes a secret pact, and I have to honour it? What treason is this? Fuc- Aaah I mean consorting with the enemy king, giving him 12 days of peace, peace, piss!"

Nestor: "Did you just say piss?"

Agamemnon: "Aaah, no." (In annoyed tone) "Their army is leaderless, they have no prince, this is the time to attack!"

Nestor: "Even with Hector gone…"(Tear glistens in eye & runs down cheek) "We have no way to breach their walls. (Whispers under breath) "Stupid walls…"

Agamemnon: "I will smash their stupid walls to the ground if it costs me 40, damn thousand Greeks. Hear me Zeus! I will smash their walls to the ground!"

(Deep voice comes out of nowhere, tent blows wildly.)

Zeus: "I hear you loud and clear Agamemnon, what's your position?"

(Greek kings all frown & slowly start to back out of the tent twiddling their thumbs & whistling all the while.)

Zeus: (Under breath) "Damn mortals…"

(Scene changes to Odysseus sitting by a camp fire scratching his beard whilst deep in thought.)

Soldier: (Sees Odysseus looking at the toy horse he's carving but looks at Odysseus's beard since he was scratching it earlier on.) "Here use my razor." (Hands razor over)

Odysseus: "Thanks." (Is about to use razor but then thinks up a brilliant idea.)

(Scene changes to the Greeks gathering planks of what looks like 'burnt wood' and chucking them in a large pile.)

Agamemnon: "Well Odysseus, you've found a way to make the sheep invite the wolves to dinner."

Odyesseus: "Ummm yeah, cool."

(Scene changes again & we see Achilles sit beside Eudorus.)

Achilles: "Forgive me Eudorus. I should never have struck you. You've been a loyal friend all your life."

Eudorus: "I hope I never disappoint you again."

Achilles: "It's I who has been the disappointment."

Eudorus: "Damn straight you have been! Let's face the facts shall we? You've yelled at me, called me names, turned me down when I wanted to 'show' you certain parts of myself, made me massage your disgusting feet covered with toe-jam, poured hot scolding coffee all over me, called me some more names, told me to piss off, nearly choked me to death for your own therapeutic beneficiaries and now you expect me to forgive you after all that?"

Achilles: (Looks at Eudorus with puppy dog-eyes)

Eudorus: (Heart melts) "Awww come here you!" (Leans in to hug Achilles)

Achilles: (Pushes Eudorus away) "Dude no! I'm still your Lord you know!"

Eudorus: (Mumbles, clearly embarrassed.) "Oh yeah, right."

Achilles: (Eyeing Eudorus warily) "Rouse the men-

Eudorus: (Jumps up with excited look on his face.) "Yes sir!"

Achilles: "I'm not finished yet. You're taking them home."

Eudorus: (Stops victory dance) "What?"

Achilles: "You heard me."

Eudorus: (Pouts) "Awww dang. Well aren't you coming with us?"

Achilles: "I have my own battle to fight- (cough Briseis cough.)

Eudorus: "Let me march beside you."

Achilles: "No, I don't want our child- I mean men to be apart of this."

(Long silence prevails)

Achilles: (Looking up at night sky.) "It's a beautiful night."

Eudorus: "Yes it is." (Shimmies closer to Achilles.)

Achilles: (Looks down & sees Eudorus cupping his chin, his lips just about to touch his…) "WHAT THE FUCK!" (Jumps up.)

Eudorus: "Well when you said it was a beautiful night I thought you meant for me to finally make a move on you when you were not either screwing Briseis or off killing Princes, geez."

Achilles: "Dude, I'll say it just once more except a little louder. I AM NOT GAY."

Eudorus: (Harrumphs, crosses arms & looks the other way.) "That's not what you told me."

Achilles: "Wtf? What? How?"

Eudorus: (Sighs) "Mobile phones, a thing of the future buddy."

Achilles: "Holy shit stop sayin' that! I've heard that twice already, 1 from a dead man's lips & 2 from a soon-to-be dead man's lips & now you! My own second in command & friend!"

Eudorus: "Well couldn't we just be a little more than that?"

Achilles: "NO! Hell no! Where do you get these ideas from?"

Eudorus: "Well so-rry! I'm not the one sendin' out –come-and-get-it-while-its-hot signals now am I?"

Achilles: "Those were meant for Briseis you idiot."

Eudorus: "Oh…I…oh…" (Trails off)

Achilles: (Shakes head) "Go Eudorus. This is the last order I give you." (Leans in to Eudorus' face. Eudorus thinks this is gonna' be 'the pash' for sure. Puckers lips. Achilles sees & quickly kisses him on the head & runs off.)

Eudorus: (Standing up) "Fighting for you has been my life's honour my Lord."

Achilles: (Nods & walks off)

Eudorus: "Damit! One last try and he still didn't take the bait!"

(Scene changes to Hector's pyre being lit. The camera focuses on all three royal woman. Helen, Andromache & Briseis. The two Trojan royals both weep, but it is Helen who presses Astyanx (Hector's son) closer to her breast as if to feed him. The baby pushes away at her chest.)

Helen: "No? Oh alright."

Astyanx: (Even though he's a baby by a miracle talks.) "Dude your tits aren't even real, the milk has gone sour and you've screwed my Uncle who's a wimp which means I'm sure you've got his sweat all over your disgusting rack so what makes you think I'll want to drink that 2 week old guck which you call 'breast fed milk'?"

Helen: (Stares open-mouthed unable to even utter a single syllable.)

Astynax: "Yeah I didn't think so."

(Scene changes again to a peasant riding back into Troy. Scene changes yet again & we see the whole of the Trojan court; Priam, Paris, Glaucus, High Priest of Apollo & others looking about the beach of Troy. Dead corpses litter the beach and burnt pieces of wood.)

Priam: "Plague."

Glaucus: "Don't get too close my king." (Accidentally nudges Priam closer with his elbow.) "Whoops, careful there my king."

Priam: (Secretly motions for the guards to drag Glaucus away.)

Archeptolemus: "They desecrated the temple of Apollo and Apollo desecrated their flesh."

Priam: "Gee ya' think Captain Obvious?" (Rolls eyes)

Glaucus: "They thought they'd come here and sack our city in a day. And look at them now, fleeing across the Aegean."

Priam: "What the hell? I thought I just had you taken away by the guards."

Glaucus: "Sorry dude but its compulsory for me to be here in this scene and any more we have in the rest of this God-forsaken movie."

(Lighting abruptly flashes across the sky. Everyone ducks momentarily then straightens & frowns at Glaucus.)

Glaucus: "Sorry, sorry."

Priam: (Shakes head.) "Would somebody please like to tell me what the hell this is because even though it resembles somewhat that of a horse, along with my knee and hip going, I think my eyesight is too."

Archeptolemus: "An offering to Poseidon. The Greeks are praying for a safe return home."

Priam: "Again, thank-you Captain Obvious."

Archeptolemus: "As you wish my King."

Priam: "Alright that's it, off with his head." (Motions to guards.)

Archeptolemus: "What? But I'm the high priest of Apollo!"

Priam: "Yeah and I'm George Bush reincarnated buddy. Take him away to the gallows!"

Glaucus: "Gallows? Sire, we don't use gallows. We stone, shoot or stab our people."

Priam: "Wait a minute, what's this I hear? Somebody else wants to be fired as well?"

Glaucus: "No, but I-

Priam: "Take him away boys! To the gallows it is!"

Paris: "Father I-

Priam: "Did I hear something? Oh no matter, that was just my adopted son talking."

Paris: (Cries.)

Archeptolemus: "This is a gift. We should bring it to the temple of Poseidon."

Priam: "Wtf? I thought I just had you arrested."

Archeptolemus: "Hence Glaucus words before."

Priam: (Grumbles.) "Whatever."

Paris: (Scrubbing tears from his eyes.) "I think we should burn it."

Velior: "Burn it? My prince it's a gift to the gods."

Paris: "Mmm hmmm, like I'm Zeus' gift to woman?"

(Trojan royalty, guards, and the priests all mumble and cough.)

Paris: "What? So you don't think I am?"

(Trojan royalty, guards, and the priests all look at each other and burst out laughing.)

Archeptolemus: "Going back to the topic at hand," (barely able to contain his laughter) "I think we should take it into the city, regardless of whatever might be in the suspicious looking horse."

(Trojan royal, guards and the priests look all look at Archeptolemus.)

Glaucus: "Are you sure you're not Greek?"

Archeptolemus: "Yeah, I'll even prove it to you." (Lifts up a tone of clothing & shows his family jewels to everyone.)

Velior: "Mmm hmm, only a true Trojan citizen would have a wang like that."

(A murmur of agreement sweeps through everybody as they nod they're heads in agreement.)

Priam: "Then it is settled…we are taking the suspicious looking horse into Troy."

Paris: (Shocked.) "Father, burn it."

Priam: (Rounding on Paris.) "Well do you have a wang as big as Archeptolemus' to prove your worthy of being a true Trojan?"

Paris: (Mumbles & blushes.)

Priam: "Yeah, didn't think so."

(Scene changes & we see the 'Suspicious Looking Horse' being dragged into Troy with ropes attached to it & logs rolling it along underneath it. People are dancing, cheering, laughing everywhere etc. We see Paris sitting on a balcony with Helen sitting next to him.)

Paris: "Look at them, you'd think their prince had never died."

Helen: "You are their prince now. Make your brother proud."

Paris: "I very much doubt that."

Helen: "Yeah, so do I." (Drinks whiskey to 'dull' her pain.)

(Scene changes yet again & we see a Trojan rider heading towards a set of cliffs. He hears shouting the nearer he gets to the cliffs.)

Grecian Army: (Though the Trojan rider doesn't know it.) "181, 181, 181, 181…"

(Counting gets louder as the Trojan rider gets closer. He sees the ships down below & goes to ride off, but not before he gets hit in the chest with 3 arrows and lands on the ground dead.)

Grecian Army: "182! 182!"

Author/Banshee Queen: "How'd you like that?"