Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis.
Title: Lying To Yourself Isn't Easy.
Content: Angst, SheppardWeir, John's POV, Sequel to 'And Then, You Start To Regret'.
A/N: I'm working out a sequel to this, which will be a little longer and resolve all the issues presented in this and the other fic. What can I say- I love a little jealousy and angst before John and Elizabeth actually get together. But as to whether they will end up together in my fic, is yet to be decided . . . ;)
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Teyla knows something is different, that something has changed in our relationship. The look she shoots me as I readjust her vest is that of puzzlement. I guess I've never indicated that I'm interested in her romantically, but lately I have, pushing myself to believe that something might work between us, that our occasional flirting can be more.
To believe that I can live without the one person I feel strongest for.
I don't think Elizabeth knows how much she hurt me. She doesn't know how long I spent gathering my courage to be able to approach her that night. She doesn't know how long I spent lying in bed the days before, wondering endlessly if it was the right thing to do, until sleep finally took me.
Maybe it was because my feelings had changed, that I believed hers had too. All I know for certain is that I poured my heart out to her because I thought- or maybe hoped- that she felt the same. And she told me she couldn't be involved with me.
It's not that I can't handle rejection- I can. I'm not so full of myself that I would think every woman who came my way would fall for me. But I thought she would tell me why. I needed her to tell me why and I thought I deserved that much, even if it killed me to hear it.
I thought wrong.
It was easier to avoid her, after that night, which is what I've been doing. She tries to make eye contact during briefings and when Rodney drags me to her office to tell her about some amazing discovery, but I can play indifferent when I want to. I don't know if it upsets her- she never reveals her emotions- but I do know that she's been working harder and longer than ever. And I'm worried about her but the ease with which I used to coax her into taking breaks is gone.
So the whole thing with Teyla? It's not a way of getting back at Elizabeth, or healing a bruised ego, because I couldn't use Teyla like that. I'm just trying desperately to move on, acting on that tiny spark we've always had.
Before we start moving towards the 'gate, I automatically look up at the balcony, a habit that shows itself before every off-world trip. My eyes find what they seek, Elizabeth staring down at us, at me, but something's broken through her usually guarded face . . . regret?
And then she's turning away, refusing to let me confirm what I thought I saw. Turning away, like she turned me away without an explanation.
I don't know how I can continue like this. Every thought, every feeling can be linked to her. Only her.
But maybe if I try hard enough, I'll be able to convince myself that I don't love her anymore.
Even if I always will.