Sorry that this is slightly late. I wanted to post it this morning, live I have with the other parts, but an insane amount of homework kept me busy all weekend. I've basically worked none-stop the last two days and I still have stuff to do tomorrow. Anyway, I'm glad that everyone's continuing to enjoy the story and I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks so much for your comments.
Sirius:
"Sirius!"
The sound of someone yelling my name roused me from a fitful slumber. Forcing my heavy eyelids open, I blinked past the veil of moisture and peered up into Peter's troubled face, which was obscured by a mass of my own disheveled hair. "Wha…?" I mumbled groggily.
How long had I slept? Not very, judging my desire to take a sleeping potion and hibernate for the rest of the school year.
"It's about Remus," Peter said.
Stifling a yawn, I sat up and brushed the frayed black locks from my face. "What is it?"
"Dumbledore was just here. He–"
"Did he get Remus released?" I demanded, feeling a sudden burst of energy replace my exhaustion. "Did he–"
"He wanted," Peter cut in loudly, sounding irritated, "to know if Remus was feeling any better."
"You mean he wanted to know if Remus was feeling any better when I spoke to him than when Dumbledore saw him last?" I asked. "Why didn't he wake me?"
"That's not what he wanted," he ground impatiently. "He wanted to know if Remus was feeling any better than when he left him in the Gryffindor common room after getting him released from the Confinement Center."
"What?"
"That's what I said. Apparently, Dumbledore and Remus arrived at Hogwarts about an hour ago. Remus claimed he wanted to take a shower so Dumbledore left him in the common room."
"But Remus hasn't been in here – has he?"
Peter shook his head. "I checked on the Marauder's Map," he said, handing said item to me, "and he's not on here anywhere." Then he added, "In case you're wondering, if Remus had returned an hour ago he would have found you and James in the middle of your conversation."
Suddenly, I remembered how Peter had thought he had heard something, right around the time we were discussing how long Moony had gone missing for. Oh no! I had told Remus that we had been with him for the entire night, only realizing after I said it that it wasn't true. Then, with him stuck in that wretched place, I hadn't corrected myself. I hadn't wanted him to worry. If Remus had heard James and I he would have realized not only that I had lied to him but that the possibility existed that he had killed Evelyn.
I hastily unfolded the map entirely and examined it inch by inch. I saw that James was with Lily in a hidden chamber between the boys' and girls' dormitories and that all the professors – including Dumbledore – were in the staffroom. There was no sign of Remus, not even among the throng of students in the common room. That meant that there was only once place he could be.
"Mischief managed," I tapped the map with my wand. As the ink faded away, I folded the parchment up and tucked it into the inner pocket of my robe. Then I opened James' trunk and pulled out his Invisibility Cloak. "Tell James that I'm with Remus," I called over my shoulder as I flew out of the room.
"Where are you going?" Peter called after me but I didn't stop to answer.
On Christmas Day during our first year at Hogwarts, Remus and I had gone exploring. We had accidentally found a maze of hidden passageways that one could only enter through the library. Near the back of the large, bookcase infested room, was the tapestry of a unicorn. A single stroke of the unicorn's flank would open the entrance to the concealed rooms and hallways.
Remus had asked me if it could be our secret and I had indulged him. Over the years, we had used it as a sanctuary for when we were troubled. Whenever I wanted to tell him about my family woes or he wanted to talk about his horrible childhood, we'd go there. It was a safe place, one we knew wouldn't be intruded upon. I had even run there after I had found out what would have been done to Remus had he killed Snape when I so thoughtlessly sent the bastard into the Whomping Willow.
Though we had never talked about it since its discovery, we had both kept its existence a secret even after the invention of the Marauder's Map. All the other secret passages and chambers the Marauders had ever found were on it, but not this one.
James probably knew about it though. He might not know exactly where it was but he wasn't stupid. He had to know that we had a place we went that he and Peter didn't know about. There were just too many times one of hadn't shown up on the map for him not to have realized.
Remus would be very disconcerted now. He had to be there. I could think of no other place he'd go.
It took me nearly an hour to locate Remus. After looking in all our usual haunts and not finding him, I'd had to resort to going hallway by hallway and room by room. Finally, when I was beginning to wonder if Peter had hallucinated the entire episode with Dumbledore, I came across him.
He was in a small room. It was about half the size of the one we shared with James and Peter. It looked like at some point it had been someone's bedroom. There was a bed against the far wall. Next to it was a nightstand and a dresser. To the right of the doorway was a fireplace. Remus was sitting in front of it with his legs pulled up to his chest, as always. There was no fire crackling, just black powdery ash and charred remnants of wood, but Remus was staring into it as if it contained the key to eternal happiness.
He didn't look at me when I entered but he knew I was here. I had made no effort to conceal my approach. I couldn't tell if he was annoyed at my intrusion. His face was calm but his eyes were not. It looked as if a miserable war was being waged within them, one that neither side could win. He was tormented. There was nothing to indicate whether he wanted my company.
Silently, I sat down next to him and turned my attention to the ebony cinders. "How much did you hear?"
"Enough."
I winced at the accusatory tone of his voice. It was amazing how much censure he could carry in one, solitary word. "I didn't lie to you. At least…I didn't mean to. I didn't remember until after I said it that it wasn't true. Then–" I didn't know what to say, how to explain what I had felt in that Confinement Center.
After seven years, Remus knew when I was and wasn't done speaking. He waited silently for me to find the words that eluded me.
I licked my upper lip. It was dry and parched.
"I didn't want to take it back because I didn't want you to be tearing yourself apart while you were in that…place. I couldn't – I couldn't stand the image of you sitting there among that filth, wondering if you had killed someone. That Confinement Center has enough despair of its own without you–" I wasn't explaining this well at all, "–without letting it amplify your own…doubts." That didn't make any sense. I sighed. "I just didn't want you to worry more than you had to."
When Remus didn't say anything I turned my head to look at him. Like in the Confinement Center, he had a very fleeting grasp on his tumbling emotions. If I hadn't known him so well I would have said he was perfectly calm, in control, but that was only on the outside. Inside… I couldn't even imagine. Remus was such a…peaceful person. Ending another person's life would shatter his world.
"I'm sorry." Hopefully he would hear my sincerity.
"Don't be. I understand why you did it. I can even appreciate it," he lowered his gaze to the floor. "After thinking that I was blameless…it's crushing to think I'm not."
I bowed my head. "I made things harder for you. That was the last thing I wanted."
"I know." He smiled then. It was a brief, barely-existent smile, but a smile nonetheless. It was his way of telling me that it was all right, that he understood, that he wasn't angry.
Remus shifted away from me. It was almost imperceptible, barely increasing the space between us at all, but I saw it for what it was. An obvious plea for solitude. It was as if he was saying, 'You got what you wanted. You apologized and I forgave. Now go.'
I more than comprehended his wanting to be alone. There were times when I wanted to be alone too. There were times when I felt like I needed to isolate myself from everything and everyone. There were also times when what I wanted and what I needed were not compatible. I couldn't go now. Not when Remus was so close to falling apart.
"I won't leave," I stated adamantly.
Remus sighed but didn't seem that annoyed. It was as if he was torn between wanting solitude and needing to be with someone. "I killed someone, Sirius. In a way, I'm glad the system is so skewed against me because…how am I supposed to live with this? I don't think it's possible."
There was only the faintest glimmer of doubt in his voice. He really believed he was responsible for Evelyn's death. Or maybe he was forcing himself to believe it because it was simpler than doubting, than wondering, than tormenting himself with the question. "You didn't kill her."
He laughed. It was a horrible sound devoid of all mirth. It was made more horrible by it being so uncharacteristic of him. Remus was reserved and soft-spoken. His behaving this way was a testament to how distressed he was. "Yes, because there are so many other werewolves attending Hogwarts. I'm sure it was one of them," he shook his head. "How can you believe that I didn't do this?" His control was slipping, further proving what a tenuous hold he had over himself.
"Because I have to!" I yelled, feeling a rush of anger that wasn't directed at anything or anyone in particular. Least of all Remus. "Because when I don't then–"
"Say it," he urged softly, "Go ahead. Say it. When you don't you realize what I am. A monster."
"–I know that there's no hope," I finished. "Then I know that you're going to…die." Then, almost violently, I seized him by the shoulders and forced him to face me. "You. Are. Not. A. Monster."
He closed his eyes. "But something inside me is," he breathed, sounding weary and defeated. "There's something vicious inside me that I can't control. Something that can hurt people. Something that can kill people. And it's always there. Not just on the full moons. It's only then that I lose myself. The rest of the month…I can feel it. I can hear it. It's like a presence, whispering. And the whispers grow louder day by day until, for a few horrible hours, they drown out my own voice and I'm nothing but an animal."
We had never spoken about this. I knew the full moons, with their horrible transformations, were hell for him. I had never asked about the rest of the month, about whether he could feel the presence of the wolf. Maybe I hadn't wanted to know. Maybe it was easier to think that he wasn't torn by his condition all the time, that it was just one night a month.
I didn't know what to say. Maybe there was nothing I could say. I just softened my grip on his shoulders to a gentle touch.
Remus went limp suddenly, as if all the energy had just fled his body. "I'm scared," he admitted quietly.
I shifted forward hesitantly. When he didn't move away, I drew him close to me. It wasn't a hug – exactly. It was more a way of sharing comfort, of sharing warmth. "So am I," I whispered.
"How is he?" James asked.
I shook my head. "I've never seen him like this. He's guilt ridden. Terrified." I let my eyes drift to where Remus lay sleeping. We had sat together in front of that fireplace for nearly two hours. We hadn't spoken. I had just held him. He had leaned against me, motionless. Finally, he had withdrawn and told me that he needed to shower and rest so we had returned to the dormitory.
I wanted to believe that I had helped him somehow but I wasn't sure that I had.
"I thought of something we can do," James said, drawing my gaze back to him. "It might not clear him, though. It might only sign his death sentence," he warned. "If it works, we'll know exactly what happened last night. We'll know whether he killed her."