Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. I do not own Zelda. I do not own the Matrix. I do not own the story where Grasshopper comes from. I don't own a magic pencil either. But if Bearshare is nice to me for once, I will own seven episodes of Saiyuki Reload Gunlock on CD.
Translation notes: …well this might take a bit. OK first up: Bunny-san. The ever-present bunny Ni has with him all the time. I can't remember if Ni actually refers to the bunny in that way in the manga or anime, but I've seen other versions of the name in fanfiction. Like Queen Bunny-sama. I saw Bunny-san used a few times and it fit with what I'm going for here so Bunny-san it is.
Ok next is tachi. Kougaiji-tachi is used in reference to Kougaiji and the gang, kind of like how Sanzo-ikkou is used in reference to Sanzo and the gang.
Youkai: I'm pretty sure everyone here knows a youkai is a demon right? Right. Youki: … I think I used this right. 90 sure it's demonic energy. Tends to hang around where youkai have been. But the only explanation I got came off of Inuyasha, and I keep confusing it with jyaki. Which I think is evil energy. But I digress.
Kawaii: This is probably the only non-noun Japanese word I will ever use. It means cute. But only in special situations (for me at least). For example, a basket full of puppies is CUUUUUUUTE! A picture of five-year-old Inuyasha is KAWAII! Or for people who hate Inuyasha, a kitten is CUUUUUUUTE! A kitten plus napping Sanzo is KAWAII! … Yeah this is what goes on in my head.
San: used as a suffix to refer to people politely. This is the ONLY time I will say this. If you are one of those people who get confused by suffixes, find yourself a guide.
Kimono: Traditional Japanese clothing. And if you didn't know that… all I can ask is how did you get this far into anime without finding out what a kimono is?
Fanfiction Limbo: Here's a lesson in iceblitz-ese! Other people mean different things when they say fanfiction limbo. When I say it, I mean that place characters go after I'm done writing for the day, and I can go to for random weirdness. It exists entirely in my head. I nearly made a fic about that place. And NO it's not like 'The Breakroom.' I wouldn't rip off a story. Especially one I like so much.
Warnings: It turns out the not-so-original-fairy has a dirty mouth. So watch out for that. Dr. Hwan and Yaone may seem OOC, and Lirin a little bit too. For the Lirin part, just keep in mind she's NOT being sarcastic, she actually means it. You'll know when you see it. Probably. And if you don't, then it means I'm warning you for nothing! Woot! And as for Ni, he seems to have become Crazy-Creepy, not the slightly-mentally-unbalanced-creepy that you see in the manga. o.o
Notes to Reviewers: (Yay 2 this time!)
ofudamaster: It's nice to know people think I deserve so many cookies. : )
Psycho-CJ: An update the day you review! How's that for updating soon?
Chappie 6's blab! This is a day early! Woot! Yay for inspiration! OK no one guessed the order of Who Says What last chapter, so no cyber-cookies. But, no one complained about not being able to figure out Who Says What, so unless someone asks the order, I won't post it. Instead, try and figure out where Grasshopper is from! Cyber-brownies to all who can answer! … And I think that's it. There's one other thing I want to comment on, but I'll do it at the end. On to the chapter!
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In which a fanfic author tries to actually finish the chapter that was only supposed to be one, Singular, but has somehow split into no less than THREE parts, but is actually pleased with the results
Also known as
In which everyone is still Confused, one of the basic truths of stone carving is revealed, and the not-so-original-fairy FINALLY makes its second appearance
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Somewhere, a fanfic author was sleepy. Somewhere, a fanfic author was annoyed. Somewhere, a fanfic author tried to convert said sleepiness and annoyance into brilliant writing of the humorous nature. Let's see how well she did, shall we?
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Lirin, being Lirin, was the first through the giant double doors. As the first through the double doors, she was also the first to notice the unlikely assortment of people currently occupying the room. To her credit, she did realize how odd it was that no one in the room seemed to be truly angry. Annoyed slightly, yes. Actually angry, no. But it has been a long time by now since that meat-bun, and she had more pressing matters on her mind than curiosity over why the occupants of the room weren't dueling with words again.
Lirin practically flung herself across the room, yelling gleefully, "Onii-chan! Do you have food for me?"
While Lirin was occupied with begging food out of a bemused-looking Kougaiji, Yaone and Dokugakuji had entered the room as well. Now, maybe because they weren't distracted by hunger pains as large as Lirin's, they noticed immediately what was confusing the hell out of the other three.
Both blinked. Finally Dokugakuji said, "Well. I guess we know what was annoying Gyokumen Koushu so badly now."
More blinking on Yaone's part. "Yes, I guess we do." Finally tearing her eyes from the unusual sight, she focused instead on the much more normal and reassuring display of Kougaiji somehow managing to procure meat-buns for Lirin in the same way Sanzo produced his fan. Even if the normalness of the sight was jarred slightly by Lirin's sudden redhead status.
Strangely though, Kougaiji-sama didn't seem too surprised at the colour change. Yaone's eyes flicked briefly upward, before she forced them back down again. Then again, maybe it wasn't that strange.
Dr. Hwan finally moved her gaze from where it had been firmly locked, and turned it on the new arrivals.
Huh. So the effects of whatever has been happening aren't just confined to this one room. The princess's hair is red, the bodyguard's hair is much shorter, and the apothecary's…chemist's?…alchemist's?… anyways, her hair occasionally flickers purple, like it's trying to change, but can't quite make it.
Ni Jyeni deigned to look over at the new arrivals as well, with the ever-present Bunny-san clasped carelessly under one arm. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the rest of the prince's entourage!" He waved them over negligently, "Why don't you came on over and add your mind-power to our little brainstorming session here?"
"Yes, do come over!" said Bunny-san, in a higher, squeaky version of Ni's voice. It's arm waved over to them as well, due to the skillful manipulation of Ni's fingers.
(not-so-original-fairy: "Wait, how the f--- is making a bunny's arm move with your fingers skillful?
iceblitz: "Because he's only using one hand. The other one is busy waving negligently. And I thought you didn't like this fic, so why are you here so early?"
not-so-original-fairy: "… Crap."
iceblitz: "Yeah, now be quiet until your part comes.")
The Kougaiji-tachi, along with Dr. Hwan, pretended they had not heard the voices conversing overhead, as they wanted to come away with as much of their sanity as they could from this messed-up morning. Ni, who had sold the rest of his sanity in exchange for Bunny-san a long, long time ago, didn't ignore the voices. But, as everyone else was busy pretending the voices didn't exist, he didn't exactly have anyone with whom to discuss the oddness.
Oh wait! Bunny-san was an Anyone!
And so Ni started a long and very serious discussion with Bunny-san about the mysterious voices.
Dokugaku and Yaone were more than a little bit wary at the display of Not-Sanity that would have gotten any lower-ranking person a short trip to the Looney Bin, but came forward anyway. Amazing what a person will do to satisfy their curiosity, ain't it? Of course, they chose spots as far away from Ni as possible without looking rude or making conversation impractical. There are limits after all.
Dr. Hwan looked over at Ni, who was deep in conversation with Bunny-san. "Well it seems like he's not going to be very helpful for awhile. Any objections to me heading this brainstorming session?" Headshakes all around, except from Lirin, who was too busy eating (finally!) to bother. "Ok then, let's not focus on the 'why' what's happening for now. Instead we'll focus on 'How." As in 'How the hell is this possible?'"
Silence. Crickets took their cue to start chirping in the background. Then the violin music started. Followed by many angry cricket cries of "Get out of here Grasshopper!" and "Geez, way to go and wreak the classic way of showing complete silence Grasshopper!" and also, "Oh for the love of…! Go back to the Centipede! And the Spider. And that annoying kid."
"Oh look Bunny-san, another conversationalist! Let's go rescue him, shall we?"
The crickets, seeing the approach of the Almighty Bunny-san, fled in terror. The Grasshopper, having no idea of just how loony Ni and his Bunny-san are, did not. And since he didn't notice the remarkable similarities of Ni's and Bunny-san's voice, he ended up having a remarkably intellectual conversation with them.
Dr. Hwan put her hand to her mouth and -ahemed-, bringing the thoroughly confused and weirded-out Kougaiji-tachi's eyes back to her. "Ok, it's pretty obvious we don't know how this is possible. Maybe logically dis-proving theories will give us more ideas. Anyone want to start?"
"Well it's not a youkai-spell. There's not nearly enough youki in the air. All there is is some background residue. And it doesn't feel like holy power either." Kougaiji mused.
Yaone put in her two cents, "And it's very unlikely to be caused by any herbs or powders. For one thing, I don't know of any that could do anything like this. For another, if there was an herb that could do his, the odds aren't that great of it being completely odourless, and I don't smell anything."
Lirin sniffed the air. (Just a note: she's noticed what's confusing everyone by now) "Neither do I. Because I'm OUT OF MEAT BUNS! Oh no! The horror! Whatever will I- mmff!" That last bit was the sound of Kougaiji shutting his darling sister's yap with yet another meat bun.
Dokugaku, tuning out both Lirin and the three-way conversation that should not be possible, ventured, "It can't be stone carving. Aside from the obvious factor of speed, and the noticeable lack of a carver present, there's one basic rule of stone-carving that's being utterly smashed here."
"And what would that be?" asked Dr. Hwan.
"That you can't carve stone out of thin air. To make that thing fit, it would have to be carved out of her. And with the number of times she's switched, she'd be 100 times smaller by now. Plus there's the whole question of how it'd be possible to carve her in the first place."
"And I know of nothing in my field of science that would produce these results." finished Dr. Hwan.
"Oh? You haven't figured it out yet? My, we are slow this morning."
Dr. Hwan's eyebrow twitched. "I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas Ni!" she growled.
"Oh, but I figured it out awhile ago." Ni happily continued his conversation with Grasshopper and Bunny-san.
A collective, "You WHAT?" echoed through the room.
Ni blinked and again looked up from his conversation, "Well yes, it's a bit obvious isn't it? The first clue was those voices that everyone ignored. But I've known for sure ever since Grasshopper-san showed up."
An annoyed Dr. Hwan ground out from between clenched teeth, "And exactly how is… Grasshopper-san… A part of your… masterful revelation?"
Ni smiled, "Think about it. What's the only way a person like Grasshopper-san could find his way here of all places?"
He enjoyed watching the dawning realization on their faces. Especially that hint of fear. In fact, he enjoyed it so much, he switched his smile to his patented-Ni-smile, the one that made mothers hide their children. "Oh yes," he said, relishing the sight of their faces falling, "We seem to have ourselves a fanfic author on the loose."
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And that's the not-so-original-fairy's cue. Bye now! -Opens portal, not-so-original-fairy is pulled towards the opening.-
not-so-original-fairy: "NOOOOO!" -latches on to edge of opening-
iceblitz: "Oh for the love of…!" -starts prying fairy off the edge- "Jeez, it won't be nearly as bad with Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama."
not-so-original-fairy: "Yes it will! Kougaiji and Dokugakuji will be pissed! And Ni Jyeni's there! NI JYENI!"
iceblitz: -finishes prying off fairy- "Just go already." -throws fairy through portal-
not-so-original-fairy: "NOOOOOOooooooo…"
iceblitz: "… Baby."
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For Ni Jyeni, the look when he confirmed their fears on the Kougaiji-tachi's and Dr. Hwan's face was priceless. And his patented-Ni-smile grew even wider as he spotted something trying to hide behind one of the seal-scrolls hung in the room. "Oh look, the fanfic author's messenger is here!"
The Kougaiji-tachi plus Dr. Hwan turned as one, and looked up to see the not-so-original-fairy.
With its cover blown, it nervously said, "Ah… hehe… um… hi?"
There were a wide range of reactions to this.
Lirin's was to go, "KAWAII! You look just like a fairy out of Zelda!" and try and catch the fairy so she could glomp it.
Dokugaku's was to grow steadily more annoyed now that he had someone to blame his short hair on.
Dr. Hwan's and Yaone's reaction was to think, So… pretty. It's a FAIRY… Wait. It's a FANFIC author's emissary. Don't be sucked in by the pret…ty…ness… so PRETTY.
Kougaiji didn't know what to think. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the concept that this glowing-ball-of-light-with-wings was a messenger of one of the most feared creatures in existence.
Ni Jyeni however, replied, "Hello!" with Bunny-san echoing him. "May we know Fairy-san's name so we can properly address Fairy-san?"
Running through the not-so-original-fairy's mind was a running litany of, Don't show fear, don't show fear, they'll eat you alive if you show fear, especially Ni if you show fear. While thinking this, and staying OUT of Lirin's reach, it answered, "Well I don't seem to get a real name, but 'not-so-original-fairy' seems to be what I'm referred to as the most, so you might as well call me that."
"Of course, not-so-original-fairy-san." Ni made a little bow, making Bunny-san bow with him. "May we inquire as to the purpose of your visit?"
The not-so-original-fairy hovered uncertainly, checking out the status of the other occupants of the room. The results were not encouraging. Of the two other people who looked capable of a conversation right then, one wanted to glomp it, and the other looked like he wanted to tear its wings off slowly and painfully.
Ah CRAP. It just HAD to be Ni, didn't it? DIDN'T IT, you sadistic fanfic author! I know you can hear me! Don't pretend you don't! One day I will get my revenge. As soon as I figure out how to get out of Fanfiction Limbo.
So, floating slightly closer to Ni, for politeness' sake, the not-so-original-fairy answered, "One reason I'm here is to remind the readers I exist. The other is to make a delivery."
The not-so-original-fairy did the thing where it somehow made six little black books appear out of thin air. "AUs But Not. Your Guide to Universes Alternate. (The not quite Alternate Universes)" it recited from memory, trying to speed things up as much as it could so it could leave!
"Go on, everybody pick up the one with your name on it." it said hurriedly. Everyone moved to the little pile of books and retrieved the one with their name. The simple act of moving seemed to shake the rest of the Kougaiji-tachi and Dr. Hwan out of their daze.
Yes, Dr. Hwan was now normal enough to ask the obvious question, "And just what, exactly, are these?"
"Personalized guides to What The Hell Is Going On. In them are tips to get through this fic with your sanity intact, and the way to fix any… problems… that may occur as a direct result of what's been going on." it said that last bit while peeking furtively at Dokugaku.
Ah shit, he's still pissed. He seems to care more about his hair than Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama did about the whole Opaque Incident. Or maybe he's just the type to hold a grudge?
"Question." Kougaiji said with his hand raised like a kid in a classroom.
"Yes Kougaiji-sama?" asked the not-so-original-fairy.
Kougaiji moved the arm that was raised until it pointed at what everyone had been looking at before, "Will it show how to make her go back to normal too? Or at least stop changing so much?"
The fairy pondered. "I'm actually not sure. It might, it might not. I'm leaning more towards Not right now."
"And why not?" Kougaiji glared at the not-so-original-fairy.
Ah crap, I knew he'd get pissed off too.
"The cheesiest explanation is also the simplest, 'There's a glitch in the Matrix.'"
Seeing Kougaiji's glare grow even more, it hastened to add, "Translation! The fanfic author screwed up royally in regards to What Goes When, and this is the glitchy result! Anything you see constantly changing is probably the result of the fanfic author's forgetfulness."
Kougaiji's glare lessened again, while Dr. Hwan looked like she had just found a puzzle piece she's been looking for. A very minor puzzle piece, that didn't matter so much in the Grand Puzzle Scheme, but a piece all the same.
"Any more questions?"
"Yes just one," said Ni, "Why doesn't Gyokumen Koushu-sama get a book?"
"Two reasons. One, the fanfic author doesn't like her. Two, the fanfic author doesn't want to give her anything that she would try and twist into helping her rule the world. That answer your question?"
"Yes, very well thank you." he said with another Ni-smile.
"OK then, is that it? It is? Ok, I'll just take Grasshopper and leave then." And the not-so-original-fairy somehow managed to pluck Grasshopper off of where he'd been listening to the goings-on on Ni's shoulder, despite the lack of appendages capable of plucking.
Grasshopper was more than a little annoyed at his undignified position, and of his being deprived of an intellectual conversationalist.
"Cool it." muttered the fairy, "Believe me, you really don't want to stay with that guy. Not, not Bunny-san either. Why? If I tell you now, you might have a nervous breakdown. It's better you don't know. Really. Back to your own storyline before you're traumatized for life."
This time, loud enough for everyone to hear, the not-so-original-fairy said, "OK bye now!" and disappeared along with Grasshopper.
"Bye-bye." Ni and Bunny-san waved at the spot where the fairy and grasshopper had been.
And with that, everyone drifted off to his or her separate devices. Which would almost certainly involve looking at the little black books in the near future. Except possibly Lirin.
Kougaiji was the only one who stayed in the room. He sat down in a corner, got himself comfortable, and started looking for something to make his mother go back to the way she had been the day before, glitch or no glitch.
Of course, if he had known who was just outside the door, he might not have been so eager.
Sneaky Ni, had not left the vicinity of the room. He was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, just around the corner of the doorway, where he could have a decent view of the inside by moving his head ever so slightly. He had 'AUs But Not' out as well. He was going to help put Rasetsunyo back to normal too. After all, if they had to spy on Kougaiji, who spent much of his free time in his mother's room, then the least that could be done to relieve to the poor spy's boredom was a little bit of scenery, right? And besides, it's not like Rasetsunyo needed a kimono to keep warm, right?
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Author's notes:
Believe it or not, the last paragraph there kept trying to come out 10 times creepier. o.o I kept trying for funny, but I just ended up creeping myself out, until I got this. If you think this is creepy, be thankful that it isn't creepier. Next update should be September 1.
-edit- ok, for all those who read super-fast ffnet keeps editing out the italics which are supposed to show thoughts. Hopefully I've caught all of them this time.