Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "This film DARES you to watch it"
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Rurouni Tyriel – Why Forge? You mean besides the foxy lady comment and the discoesque dancing? (grins)
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ACT 2 – First joust
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We open on a stadium full of random people, all stamping their feet to a beat which sounds oddly familiar. Very much like a certain Queen anthem, actually, which is odd, this being the 14th Century, and all.
"Someone's been screwing with time on this one", mutters Hank.
The crowd ignore him, suddenly, Bobby randomly jumps up with a microphone.
"….Oh dear God, no", groans Hank, as Bobby begins to sing, "and Todd Fan couldn't find someone else's name that just happened to be 'Robert'?"
Buddy, you're a boy making big noise
Playing in the street gonna be a big man someday
You got mud on your face, you big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place
"SINIGNG!", shoutsBobby, pointing at the crowd, who also begin to sing.
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
"They're using my son", cries Lance, from where Façade is sitting on Lancitty.
"It's my song now, loser", grins Bobby as he entertains the crowd.
Buddy, you're a young man,
Hard man shouting in the street
You're gonna take on the world someday
You got blood on your face you big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place
The crowd cheers, then goes back to their singing.
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
As the crowd continues to sing, Ray, in a Lords costume sighs boredly.
"At least I'm a Lord", he mutters, and glances either side of him, "and have Scaleface and Cybelle either side of me. Hot chicks, made to order"
"You'll be sleeping on the cough if you don't shut up", growls Scaleface.
Bobby grins, obviously enjoying the role he has been given as he dances along in front of the crowd.
Buddy, your an old man
Poor man pleading with your eyes
Gonna make you some peace someday
You got mud on your face you big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place.
"SING IT!", he shouts
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
Buddy you're a young man
Hard man shouting in the street
You're gonna take on the world someday
You got blood on your face you big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
We will, we will ROCK YOU!
As Scaleface and Cybelle clap, Ray makes a half-arsed attempt at singing, before deciding to go back to being Lordy.
As the crowd keeping singing about rocking and the like, Forge rides to the entrance of the stadium on Jott, squirming about in armour way too big for him. Todd and Freddy walk along side him, neither looking that sure.
"We're gonna die, yo, we're gonna die!", says Todd.
"Visor!", says Freddy.
Forge sighs, pulling the visor over his face, so no one can see him.
"Come on, we're late", says Todd, "unless ya can't hear the ragin' crowd"
A rocking guitar solo comes from.. somewhere as Forge enters the arena, the crowd cheering. No one seems to notice the fact that 'Sir Warren' no longer has wings. The music stops and Evan steps forward.
"The score stands at thee lances to none, in favour of Sir Warren", he says, "Lord Façade of Aragon, stand you ready?"
Façade, who doesn't speak, simply raises his lance.
"Pardon?", asks Lance.
"This is going to get…complicated", sighs Hank.
Evan nods and turns to Forge.
"Sir Warren, stand you ready?"
Forge raises his lance, while Todd and Freddy shuffle around, pretending everything is normal.
"Ready?", asks Todd.
"Of course", says Forge, "I've tilted against Sir Warren many times, you know, that sounded…wrong"
"In practise lists, as his target", says Todd, "You were never allowed to strike him"
"Badger me not with details", says Forge.
"…Huh?", asks Todd.
"The landscape, then", says Freddy, "stay on the horse"
"That would be a tragedy if he fell off", grumbles Jean.
"Yes.. a tragedy", giggles Scott.
"He needs three points, so a broken lance won't win it", says Freddy, "he has to knock you off"
"I know how to score, Freddy", says Forge, "I've waited my whole life for this moment"
"You've waited your whole life for Sir Warren to shite himself to death?", asks Todd
Freddy shakes his head at him, looking away.
"Huh!", says Todd.
The crowd begins to chant 'Warren', as Rogue, who is given the job of official flag-waver-person, waves her flag.
"Oh.. goodie", mutters Rogue.
Façade and Forge charge forwards on Jott and Lancitty respectively as the crowd cheers. Forge struggles with holding the lance right.
"Get it in the cradle", Freddy says under his breath, "get it in the cradle"
"Get it in the cradle!", screams Todd
Forge manages to do so at the last minutes, just as he and Façade meet. Forge gets it right in the face, and slumps on Jott.
"Look 'ma…stars", he giggles
As Todd cheers 'yeah' repeatedly, running over, Freddy tries to right Forge on the saddle.
"Forge, are you alright?", he asks.
"Why are you asking him?", asks Jean, "we were doing all the running"
"Yeah, that's hard!", says Scott.
"Forge, can you hear me?", asks Freddy.
"We won! We won!", laughs Todd, hugging Freddy.
"For…get off me", Freddy glares at Todd, before going back to Forge, "Did you hear me, Forge?"
Todd, still delighted, rushes forward and kissing Jott's nose.
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!", says Scott, "Toad spit!"
"WE WON!", screams Todd
"We get the picture", says Hank.
"Ugh", says Forge as Todd smacks him on the arm.
"He's breathin! He's breathing!", says Freddy.
Laughing like idiots, Todd and Freddy bounce around as Forge holds his head.
"Oww", he says, "no..screaming"
A little while later, we see Ray standing with Scaleface, who has a golden feather on a pillow.
"Hey, that's one of my feathers", says Warren from backstage, "spray painted gold!"
"Well..yeah", said Hank, "I took it off you while you were getting resuscitated"
"Sir Warren", says Ray.
Forge, who's helmet is completely dented in, turns his head in the opposite direction to Ray, who looks confusedly at Evan. Evan nods, stepping forwards.
"Sir Warren, remove your helmet", he says.
Freddy and Todd give each other a 'oh crap' look.
"Uh…my Lord", says Forge, trying to imitate Warren's voice, "I am afraid the final blow of the lance has bent it onto my head"
He gives it a tap to prove it, Todd looks over at them.
"Yeah", he says, "he says the final blow of the…"
Todd is cut off as Forge smacks him in the stomach, having pretty good aim for someone with a piece of metal wrapped around his head. Todd gives him a glare before Evan speaks up.
"I present your champion, My Lord"
"Oh, I love that", giggles Ray.
The crowd cheers as Ray takes the pillow form Scaleface and walks over to Forge. Forge does nothing, as he can't actually see the pillow…or Ray. Freddy helpfully grabs Forges arm, leading him to the pillow. Forge finally manages to get the feather and holds it up in the air, inciting more crowd cheering.
"That's really echoing in my head with this helmet", mutters Forge
Ray claps, then looks at Scaleface, shaking his head,
"I know, they are all nuts, aren't they?", says Hank.
A little while later in the woods, Freddy is bartering the golden feather with Gauntlet.
"Twenty", says Freddy
"No, ten", barters Gauntlet
"Fifteen?", tries Freddy.
"Fifteen for a gold feather?", Gauntlet shakes his head, "fine, done…daylight robbery, I tell you"
"Very good, cheers", says Freddy, taking the money and handing the feather to Gauntlet.
Freddy heads over to Forge and Todd, sharing out the coins.
"Fifteen silver florins. He didn't want that", he grumbles, tossing Todd the cushion.
"What the heck's a 'florin'?", asks Todd, blinking.
Freddy ignores him, sharing out the florins.
"That's five for Forge, five for Todd", he says, "and five for Freddy who's going straight home to Bayville"
"Straight to the pub for me, yo", grins Todd, then sighs, fantasising his meal, "veal pie, brie tart, tansy cakes with peppermint cream…"
"Ewww", says Forge, "even for you that's just…eww"
As Freddy and Todd pack up the cart, Forge looks in a thoughfull manner.
"God help us all", mutters Hank, "usually when he does that, an 'experiment' is due and someone will end up with a broken something"
"We could do this", says Forge suddenly.
"Do it?", asks Freddy, "we've done it boy"
"I'm older than you by over two decades", says Forge.
"In this parody, Freddy is older", says Hank, "so just get over it"
"That's silver in your hand", points out Freddy.
"No, I mean we could do this", says Forge, "we can be champions"
Freddy and Todd look at him blankly.
"Give us your coins", says Forge suddenly, getting a 'you've gone off your rocker' look from his companions, "now come on, give me your coins"
They sigh, reluctantly giving him their handful of coins.
"Right", says Forge, taking them and handing a small few back, "that's one for you, and one for you, which leaves thirteen. That's thirteen for training and outfitting. Now, the tournament in Rouen is in a month from now. In one month, we could split a prize bigger than this one. In one month, we could be on our way to glory and riches none of us ever dreamed of"
Neither seem too impressed with his awe-inspiring speech.
"In one month", points out Freddy, "we could be laid in a ditch with Sir Warren. I don't want glory and riches, Forge, I just want to go home"
"Tansy cakes with peppermint cream", rants Todd, obviously not finding much else to contribute to the conversation, "dilled veal balls with squash fritters. I'll take my five now!"
Forge blinks at them, before starting to stride ahead of them down the road. Freddy and Todd groan, running after him.
"Wait up!", shouts Todd, "you're goin' the wrong way!...Ya stupid hippie!"
Forge sighs, stopping, letting them catch up.
"But you can't even joust", protests Freddy.
"Most of it is the guys to take a blow, to strike one", says Forge, "guts I have! An technique? I have a month to learn that. Besides, the sword. Name a man better with a sword than I"
"….Anyone", mutters Todd, "In the practise ring"
"You're not of noble birth", says Freddy.
"So, we lie", says Forge with a shrug, "how did the nobles become noble in the first place, huh?"
"I don't know", quips Todd, "let's go ask Warren. Oh wait, we can't, he's dead"
Forge shakes his head at them, mimicking a sword in his hands.
"They took it, at the tip of a sword. I'll do it with a lance"
"No, you won't!", says Lance from backstage, "not before I've spoken to my lawyer"
"A blunted lance", points out Todd.
"What you say about me, stink ball?", asks Lance.
"Shut up Lance!", snaps Hank.
"No matter, Todd!", says Forge, "A man can change his stars, and I won't spend the rest of my life as nothing"
"Wow, you have a lot of awe inspiring speeches in this parody", muses Hank, "more than Xavier has ever had"
Freddy shakes his head, pointing to a set of conveniently placed gallows, where a dead Black Eagle is dangling…being dead.
"That is nothing", says Freddy, "and nothing is right where glory will take us"
"We're the sons of peasants, yo", says Todd, "Glory an' riches an' stars are beyond our grasp, but a full stomach, that dream can come true"
Forge looks at them both, then walks ahead, turning, holding out his closed fists, the money shares between each.
"If you can take your coins, go to Bayville, eat cake", he says, "But if you can't, you come with me"
Freddy and Todd blink at each other, not moving. Forge grins, letting his guard down.
"You see?", he smirks, "bread…err.. money doesn't matter"
As soon as Forge opens his palms, Freddy and Todd rush him, making Forge yell in surprise, closing his fists again. Freddy tackles him to the ground as Todd tries to pry open his hand. Being unable to do this, Todd resorts to biting Forge's hand…his real hand.
"Owwww!", screams Forge, "my only hand, dude. Aww, man, now it's covered in Toad slime, major bummer"
"You see how hungry I am?", screams Todd, trying to contain THE RAGE, "do you?"
"Damn your stomach, Todd", snaps Forge, nursing his injured hand.
Freddy, finding this hilarious, starts laughing. Forge blinks, looking at him.
"Freddy please", he says, "For thirteen silver pieces, three men can change their stars"
Freddy frowns, considering this, before giving a defeated sigh.
"God love you, Forge".
"I know I know", grins Forge, kissing his cheek, "No one else will"
"….Don't kiss me", says Freddy, backing away as Forge grins in a happy maniacal manner.
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And there's act two done for the count, wee! Do review. Until next time…