Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him".
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ACT 3 – Training and trudging
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We open in the deep woodland, where Forge has resorted to training. He is riding on Jott, holding his lance.
"Great, we get to be ridden again", mutters Scott, "this sucks"
As Jott runs past the home-made target, Forge misses the thing by miles as Todd and Freddy watch. Forge misses again, and again, and again.
"Unlucky", calls Freddy.
"I think he's getting worse", Todd mutters under his breath.
"He is getting worse", mutters Freddy.
Meanwhile, Bobby has returned with his microphone to sing in the background.
"Why?", cries Hank, "why?"
"Because I happen to have a very nice voice, so there", says Bobby.
The low rider is a little higher
This time, Forge hits the target, but the weighted sandbag on the other side spins around, smacking him on the head with a solid thunk, knocking him off Jott.
"Oww", groans Forge from the floor, "look, 'ma, birdies"
We cut to in front of a cave, where Forge and Freddy are duelling with stick swords. As Freddy is knocked away, Todd attacks with THE RAGE. Forge easily knocks him to the ground, pointing the tip of the 'sword at his throat'.
"Switch", mutters Todd, "and that was a lucky shot, yo"
We cut to Forge jousting on Jott. This time, however, Todd is holding up the target, his eyes screwed shut.
"Glory an' riches, glory and' riches, glory an' riches", he chants to himself in a whimper.
Before Forge gets near him, however, Todd gives his trademark girlie scream and hops out of the way.
Low rider
Ride a little slower
This time, Freddy forcibly pushes Todd back into position, holding him in place as Forge charges towards him. Todd gives a girlie scream, dropping the target…right onto Freddy's foot.
Low rider
Get a little lower
Freddy's eyes widen as he winces, holding his foot…pretending he's not invulnerable for once.
"You see how dangerous it is?", says Todd.
"I'll show you danger, you idiot", mutters Freddy.
We cut to where Forge is standing on the cart, holding his lance as Freddy and Todd pull it.
"Faster", says Forge, "faster, Freddy"
"I'm not Scott and Jean, you know", grumbles Freddy.
"Use those legs", shouts Forge, happy in his position of power, "Come on, Freddy, faster!"
They charge up to a little ring, which is tied on a piece of wire between two trees. As usual, Forge misses it by miles as they shoot past. After pull the cart, all three look up at the little ring.
"You missed it", says Todd.
"You've missed it dozens of times", mutters Freddy, a little worn out by all the physical excursion
"Well, I guess that means we should do it again", says Forge, then smirks, picking up some grass, making clicking noises with his tongue, "come on. Come on ponies"
"Fong him", says Freddy, "I don't know what it means, but I hope it's painful"
Todd nods in agreement as they run after him. We move to Forge, in his armour, riding in a boat on the river, holding out his lance. On either side of the bank, Freddy and Todd pull him towards his ring on a wire, this time overhanging the river.
"Faster, faster", says Freddy, "balance"
"No, no, no", says Forge, "slower, slower, keep it steady..I don't want to die"
Amazingly, Forge gets his lance through the tiny little ring. He cheers in victory, Freddy and Todd still going without realising.
"I got it, I got it!", grins Forge, "look, I got it, I got it!"
Suddenly, the wire pushes against the lance, topping Forge into the river. Freddy and Todd laugh, looking down at the water, waiting for Forge to resurface. …He doesn't.
"Any minute now", says Freddy with a chuckle.
…A few bubbles appear from the water.
"Good god, don't let Forge die!", screams Hank, "Todd Fan will murder me if something happens to Forge!"
"Oh", blinks Todd as a the bubbles stop.
A while later, Forge having been fished out of the river, deciding not to go near water in full armour again, is having another stick-sword fight with Freddy and Todd.
Take a little trip
Take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip
Take a little trip
Take a little trip with me
Showing amazing sword skills, Fore knocks Freddy down, and sends Todd stumbling over him.
"I am the king!", grins Forge.
We go back to the old jousting training doohickey, this time, Forge hitting the target every time. After all the training is done, the three are heading off down the road, Forge sitting on Jott's back.
"It's my turn ta ride", pipes up Todd.
"I don't want you on my back, you stinky thing, you", sniffs Jean.
"No, we haven't reached the mile marker yet", says Forge, "and I'm not sure you should. Suppose we pass another knight. How would it look if my squire rode while I walked?"
"I DON'T GIVE A WITCH'S TIT!", screams Todd, then pauses, "..unless it's Wanda's"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that", says Wanda from backstage.
"Yes, snookums, sorry", whimpers Todd, then glares at Forge, "It's my turn. It's my turn!"
"Hey, hey, hey", says Freddy, "Look, maybe nobody should be riding. The horse is not what he used to be and we need him right?"
"I'm not sure whether to be touched or hurt by that comment", says Jean.
"I'm mildly insulted", says Scott.
Suddenly, Kurt appears from nowhere, walking between them….a naked Kurt.
"Every fangirl's dream", says Hank.
"I'm feeling very exposed", murmurs Kurt
"Too bad", grins Hank
Freddy, Todd and Forge pause, blinking as the naked elf passes by.
"Morning", says Kurt cheerfully.
"Hey…sir", blinks Forge, everyone trying to avert their eyes.
Kurt blinks, turning around to look at them.
"…What are you doing?", asks Forge.
"Uh…trudging", says Kurt, "You know, trudging. To trudge. To trudge: the slow, veary depressing yet determined valk of a man vho has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on"
"….Had a bad day, have ya, Nightcreeper?", asks Todd.
"Were you robbed?", asks Forge
"Uh.. interesting question actually", chuckled Kurt, "Yes. And then at the same time, a huge, resounding no. It's more a sort of involuntary vow of poverty, really"
"..I knew it wouldn't be long before he went off the deep end", whispers Freddy, "it's all in genetics"
"But, you know, on the brighter side", says Kurt, "trudging does represent pride. Pride, resolve, and faith in the good Lord Almighty"
Kurt gives a sudden depressing sigh.
"Please Christ, rescue me from my current tribul…OW!"
Kurt hops on one foot, having stood on a thorn. The three pauses to watch as he removed the torn with his mouth.
"…Eww, my feet taste awful", says Kurt.
"Who are you?", asks Freddy.
"Lilim inter spinas", says Kurt, spitting out the thorn, "The lily among the thorns. Kurt Vagner's the name, vriting's the game"
Everyone pauses to blink at him. Kurt looks at them, having expected a bit of a different reaction.
"Vagner. Kurt Vagner. The vriter?"
"A what?", asks Todd.
Kurt blinks at him.
"You really are stupid", he says, "'A vhat?". A vriter! You know, I vrite vith ink and parchment. For a penny, I'll scribble you anything you vant, from summonses, decrees, edicts, varrants, patents of nobility"
Todd Freddy and Forge blink at him at this.
"I've even been known to jot down a poem to two if the muse descends", says Kurt, "You've probably read my book, 'The Book of the Duchess'"
He gets another set of blank stares.
"It's sad, really", says Hank, "incidentally, Kurt is playing the role of Chaucer, the man who created the story in the first place…if you're slow to catch on"
"Fine", sighs Kurt, "well, it vas allegorical"
"We won't hold that against you", says Freddy, "that's for each man to decide for himself"
"What?", asks Todd, "what does he mean?"
"A symbolic story or poem…twit", says Hank.
"Did you say patents of nobility?", asks Forge
Kurt blinks at him, then smirks.
"Yes, that's right, I did", he says, "and you gentlemen are?...For lack of a better term"
"Well…" Forge pauses, "Well, I'm Sir Forgeich Von Lichtenstein from Gelderland. And these here are my faithful squires", he points at Freddy, "Freds of Dodgington,", and at Todd, "and Toddhurst of Crew"
Kurt blinks at them, before snorting, taking Forge's hand.
"I'm Richard the Lionheart", he giggles, "pleased to meet you. No, vait a minute, I'm Charlemagne. NO, I'm saint John the Baptist!"
"All right!", snaps Forge, pulling out a dagger, causing Kurt to squeak and fall on the floor, "hold your tongue sir, or lose it"
"Don't kill me, Forge-'Ol-Buddy-'Ol-Pal", says Kurt with a nervous laugh, "Now, you see, that I do believe, Sir Forgeich"
"…Are you making fun of my name?", asks Forge.
"Yes, yes I am", smiles Kurt.
"Thank you, Kurt", says Forge, putting his dagger away.
"….Hey, there's nothing vrong vith Kurt!", snaps Kurt.
"Have you any more to say, Master Nude?", asks Freddy, "or having failed your test, may we be on our way?"
The three head off as Kurt sits in the grass.
"Oh, you're off to the tournament, are you?", asks Kurt.
"This is the road to Rouen, isn't it?", snaps Todd.
"Well, you know, that really remains to be seen", says Kurt, "They're limiting the field at Rouen. Noble birth must be established for four generation on either side of the family. Patents of nobility must be provided"
He gives the trio a smug smirk.
"Listen", says Kurt, "Clothe me. Shoe me. For God's sake, feed me. Let me ride that horse a bit and you'll have your patents"
"No", says Todd as the three get in a huddle.
"Patents of nobility", whispers Todd
"We need him", whispers Freddy.
"All right, let me handle him", says Todd.
"Be nice", warns Freddy, "control the rage!"
"Nice, nice, nice", Todd chants to himself as he walks over, crouching next to Kurt, then winces, "please for the love'a God, cover up!"
"Sorry, says Kurt, moving his tail to conceal certain parts of his anatomy.
"All right, betray us", says Todd, "an' I will fong you until your insides are out, your outsides are in. You entrails will become your extrails. I wil re.."
Todd shakes his hands, trying to bite back the anger, explaining exactly what would happen to Kurt.
"All the an..", Todd narrows his eyes, "pain!, lots of pain"
"Oh, I am so terrified", mutters Kurt.
"What are extrails?", asks Freddy, "and we still don't know what fonging is"
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And another chapter done. Next up, we meet a foxy lady. Do review. Until next time…