Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I guess if you insist on holding on to something from the 60s peace and love beats a Get Smart lunchbox"
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ACT 4 – A foxy lady
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We open in the tournament grounds in Rouen, where Kurt, now fully dressed, even with a snazzy trench coat.
"….Dat's Remy's trench coat!", snaps Remy from backstage.
"Oh, he's only borrowing it", says Hank.
"But he'll get hair in it!", moans Remy, "an' all my t'ievery stuff is in de pockets!"
"…I vondered vhat was jabbing me in the hip", muses Kurt.
"Just get on with it!", snaps Hank.
Kurt smiles pleasantly at Caliban as he announces Forge.
"May I present my Lord Forgeich", he says, "vhose mother's father vas Shilhard von Rechberg, son of the Duke Guelph of Saxony, son of Ghibellines, son of Vendish, the fourth Earl of Brunswick. The same Vendish vho inherited the fief of Luneburg from…"
"That will do, herald", mutters Caliban, "it ssssoundsss like you made all that up"
"Me? Make stuff up?", Kurt looks innocent, "never!...It was Hank"
"It made Todd Fan's spell check have kittens", says Hank proudly.
"Ssssix generationsss issss more than enough", says Caliban, "Ssssshow me the patents"
Kurt smiled, showing Caliban his forged patents.
"Ba-dum-bump!", grins Hank, "Ironically, Forge is very bad at forgery" (1)
"…..Well, I can't be good at everything can I?", snaps Forge
Caliban looks over at the patents, then nods.
"Indicate in which eventsss sssshall your Lord Forgeich compete", he hisses.
Kurt grabs the stick-lance and hits two shields, one indicating jousting, the other sword fighting.
"Vouldn't it have been easier to just say that?", sighs Kurt.
Freddy grins from where he is standing with Todd near Lancitty. Todd, however, just scowls.
"Damn fuzzy Elf", he mutters.
"You will first meet Roberto, Lorde DaCosta", announces Caliban.
"Lorde DaCosta", Roberto grins from backstage, "say it again!"
"…..No", says Caliban, "I don't like you"
"Thank you very much", smiles Kurt, walking off after Forge, who is riding on Jott.
"I can't believe it!", grins Forge after they've got a little away, "You did it, Kurt!"
Kurt, however isn't listening. He's too busy watching random people gambling.
"I have to thank you", Forge rambles on, "I didn't think we had a chance"
Kurt finally blinks out of his revere, and looks at Forge.
"Need…..to gamble….", Kurt pauses, "vait, I never needed to gamble before"
From backstage, Gambit coughs out something about a magical trench coat, then shuts up.
"My pleasure, Forge", smiles Kurt, "If you don't mind, I'll stick around and see how things turn out"
"Act as my herald and you'll receive a share of my winnings", says Forge, "….not that I have much of a choice"
"Done", says Kurt, shaking his hand, then bamfing off, "If you don't mind, I've gotta go see a man about a dog"
Forge blinks at the smoke, then shakes his head,
"….Wiggy little elf-boy", he mutters, then pauses, "….do I really have to sing now?"
"Yes", says Hank, "it's in the script, so there"
Forge sighs, muttering under his breath as he rides Jott through the crowd, singing a random song.
Walking out of Bayville
My fortunes for to seek
I passed along the Dark Hollow Reservoir
It's waters did they reek
A random person laughs at this.
"We like random people", smiles Hank before poking Forge into singing some more.
'Twas there I met a pretty lass
She said her name was Nell
He pauses as Storm walks out from a random building, dressed in white. She gives him the sort of look you'd give a dog turd, and walks off.
"….Nice", mutters Forge, "Belle or hell rhymes with Nell"
"Or fell", says Hank.
"Or swell", adds Todd.
"Or tell", says Freddy
"Or…", starts Kurt.
"I know!", snaps Forge.
Because he's a persistent little bugger, Forge follows Storm on Jott, as a random guitar solo sounds up in the background. After much following, Storm is suddenly joined by Dani, both pretending not to notice the person on a panto horse following them, though Storm smirks in an evil fashion.
"….The evil smirk frightens me", whispers Forge.
After even more following, Forge finally gets fed up.
"Would you speak to me?", he asks her, "heeeloooooo"
"Ah, to speak", sighs Storm, as they enter a building, "But sir, my sex are marked by their silence"
"Oh, but I would hear you speak if it cost me my ears", Forge pauses, "hey, lookit that, I can be romantic"
"That is well", says Storm, "For I do not want silence in my life"
"……You lost me", says Forge, blinking, "tell me your name"
"It's not Nell", says Storm, "something which you and I have to have a little chat about later, dear"
"Not now, people", snaps Hank.
Storm smirks, finally stopping.
"Would you care if I were ugly?", she asks.
"Well, yes", Forge pauses, "I mean no. I mean, if….."
"Open mouth, insert foot", smirks Hank.
"YOU DESECRATE THE HOUSE OF GOD!", screams Nick Fury, appearing from nowhere in ceremonial robes, "…these itch, by the way"
Forge blinks and realises he's in a church….on a panto horse.
"We have a right to be here as much as anyone else!", sniffs Jean.
"Yeah", says Scott, "Panto Horse rights!"
"Oh", blinks Forge was people begin to surround him, "Oh"
Storm has a bit of a giggle, obviously enjoying herself.
"Uh…..", Forge quickly hisses under his breath at her, "Tell me your name, woman"
"And what would you do with my name, Sir Hunter?", she asks, "Call me a fox, for that is all I am to you"
"Here it comes", groans Hank.
"A fox?", grins Forge, "Oh, then a fox you shall be until I find your name, my foxy lady"
"….And so we learn how this film became a Storge parody", sighs Hank.
"I can use seventies lingo and be right", Forge grins, "what a happy day"
Forge is chased out of the church by the other church goers as Storm and Dani have a giggling fit.
"He's a handsome hunter, I'll give him that", Storm giggles.
"….Sure…if you say so", says Dani, rolling her eyes.
"Does this not shock you, ladies?", snaps Nick, glaring at them.
The pair look at each other, fighting back another giggling fit.
"Certainly, my Lord", says Storm, "I just….I only laugh just to keep from weeping"
Nick blinks at her before sighing.
"Oh, beauty is such a curse", he says, "Pray your years come swiftly. Pray your beauty fades, that you may better serve God"
"……You don't get a lot of women to sleep with you…do you, Nick?", asks Storm, arching a brow, "and I don't believe in your God"
"Ororo", sighs Hank, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Sorry", says Storm, "Oh, and I do, my Lord. I pray for it all the time"
"And I pray for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken all to myself", says Dani.
Storm sighs, going into the dramatics.
"Why, God, did you curse me with this face?", she says, "Oh, woe, oh woe"
Nick, obviously not catching her sarcasm nods.
"God's will has a purpose", he says, offering her his hand to kiss, "but we may not know it"
Storm, not catching on, takes his hand and looks at the ring on it.
"Oh, that is lovely!", she smiles.
Nick glares at her, taking his hand away, before walking off, singing in Latin. Storm and Dani watch him go, before collapsing in another fit of giggles.
"….You guys giggle an awful lot", mutters Hank.
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(1) – This is true, as proven in the Mystique comics.
And there you go, more madness added to the mix! Yes, it was the Foxy Lady comment that made me make this into a Storge. Bad me. Do review, until next time…