Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen"
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ACT 5 – A gambling problem
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We open on the jousting arena, where Forge wins…again.
"I like to win", smiles Forge, "I almost never win in anything physical"
Todd and Freddy cheer and race to greet him.
"Sssssir Forgeich von Lichesnstien", announces Caliban, "defeatssss Roberto, Lorde DaCosta one lance to none"
"No he didn't", says Roberto from the floor, "I let him win!...my spleen hurts"
"Easy boys", smirks Forge as Todd and Freddy bounce around, "they're likely to think it's the first time I've broken a lance"
"But it is, Forge, it is!", says Todd, punching him in his arm…his metal arm, "OWW!"
Forge ignores Todd as he nurses his possibly broken hand.
"Sir Forgeich's broken thousands of lances", he says.
"Modest about our fictional character, aren't we?", asks Hank.
"Come, on 'master of a thousand lances'", says Freddy.
"A thousand Lances would be so hot", sighs Kitty from backstage.
"This running joke is getting on my nerves", growls Hank.
""You're due in the sword ring in two minutes", says Freddy, pushing Forge along.
"But my armours loose!", protests Forge.
We shift to a little later, where Freddy and Todd (with unhidden glee) are battering Forge's armoured chest, trying to make it more 'snug'. Forge gives them a glare, and goes to move his arm, finding he can't get it anywhere past straight.
"Shite, if they come overhead, I can't block!", snaps Forge, "…I knew the stick thing was a bad idea"
"There's nothing for it now", says Freddy, "We're overdue in the sword ring as we speak"
"Thanks for the concern", says Forge dryly, "It was a mistake to do two events, I don't have time to breathe. I should withdraw from the sword"
"But the sword is by far what you're best at", says Todd, then pauses, "yo"
"But the prizes are bigger on the joust", says Forge, "the prestige as well!"
"See, he just wants to be in the limelight", says Hank, "glory hound"
The three stop dead as they walk into Sam, who looks like he's a 14th century Mafia boss.
"…A'hm evil again?", protests Sam.
"Well, TF hasn't updated Mutants Make Good Cowboys", says Hank with a shrug, "she needs to warm up"
"Forgeich von Lichesnstien?", he asks Forge.
"..Yes", Forge pauses, "you'll get your money next week, the cheques in the post, I swear!"
Sam blinks, then carries on.
"A'hm Samuel the Summoner"
Forge arches a brow, then decides to run away.
"And I'm overdue in the sword area", he says, going to walk past.
Sam put out a hand, stopping him.
"I must detain you on behalf of your herald", he smirks.
"I knew it!", snaps Todd, "I bet the Elf got drunk and started singin' German folk music again!"
They cut to where Kurt is, once again, naked.
"….I hate this role", mutters Kurt, "I'm naked far too much"
"You were never robbed, were you?", asks Forge glaring at him.
"Look, I have a gambling problem", says Kurt, then frowns, "I can't help myself. It's the influence of the trench coat"
"It's a magical trench coat", nods Remy, "why you 'tink Gambit never take it off?"
Kurt looks over to where Piotr has an evil grin, running his fingers over a sharp looking blade.
"And these people", Kurt grimaces, "they'll quite literally take the clothes off your back"
"And what do you expect us to do about it?", asked Forge, arching a brow.
"Hey, I got you out of Middleverse, you ungrateful know-it-all!", says Kurt, "you owe me"
"I did owe you", said Forge pointedly, "I repaid you by making that machine that'll give you an endless supply of gut bombs"
"Oh…yeah", says Kurt.
"Get on with it!", snaps Hank.
"He assured us that you, his liege", Piotr smirks, "would pay us"
Forge blinks at Kurt, who gives the best puppy face he can muster in his present condition.
"And who are you?", asks Forge, blinking at Piotr, "…I still think you never make a good evil guy"
"Piotr", says Piotr, "a humble pardoner and purveyor of religious relics"
"I like how you kept the character a Peter", smiles Hank.
"PIOTR!", snaps Piotr.
"…..Okay, chill", says Forge, rolling his eyes, "how much does he owe you?"
"Ten gold florins", says Sam.
Forge blinks, opting to walk a little away. Todd's eye twitches, before he screams launching himself at Kurt.
"YOU MANKY GIT!"
Freddy sighs as Todd grabs Kurt's head and starts punching it repeatedly. Forge and Freddy reluctantly go over to pull them apart.
"Hey, hey, hey, Todd, let him go", says Forge.
Todd is forcibly pushed aside as Kurt favours a hand.
"OWWWW!", he says, "..did you just…bite me?"
Todd gives a smirk.
"That was fun"
Forge gives a pondering look, scratching his soul patch.
"What would you do to him if I was to refuse?"
"We, one behalf of the Lord God", smiles Sam pleasantly, "will take it from his flesh….and fur"
"We could make a million out of a Kurt pelt on EBay", muses Piotr.
Kurt whimpers.
"So that he may understand that gambling is a sin", finishes Sam.
"It is?", asks Remy from backstage, "I never knew!"
Forge arches a brow as Kurt makes puppy eyes again.
"Oh, come on", he whimpers, "please, Forge"
He gets an odd look form Sam, and clears his throat.
"Please vill you help me, Sir Forgeich?", Kurt pleads, "I promise you von't regret it"
"I don't have the bread", says Forge, then winces as Hank glares at him, "money, I mean money!"
Kurt buries his head in his hands, ready to die.
"Release him", sighs Forge, "damn my hippie roots!"
There is an 'awwww!' moment as Kurt blinks at Forge in disbelief.
"And for Great Spirit's sake, give him back his clothes", says Forge, "before we all go blind…and you'll get it"
"Done", nods Sam
Kurt gives Forge a grateful nod, walking off to get his clothes. Not long after, the group are heading towards the sword arena.
"You lied", chastises Forge.
"Ja, ja, I lived!", admits Kurt, putting on his clothes as he tries to keep up, "I'm a vriter, I give the truth scope!"
He takes a deep breath.
"Behold, my Lord Forgeich von Lichesnstien", he shouts, "son of…"
"Too late", says Paul, hurrying over, "he's been announced"
"….Fine", says Kurt, a little miffed.
"Ten blows by sword", calls Paul, "Sir Forgeich to receive first"
Forge is tossed into the ring.
"Look out!", shouts Freddy.
Forge turns to see X-23, in battle gear, screaming, running at his with a sword.
"….Mommy", squeaks Forge.
The two start to fight, X-23 (not surprisingly) beating the crap out of Forge.
"Stop letting her hit you!", shouts Todd.
"Oh, shut up!", says Freddy, giving him a smack upside the head.
They got back to fighting, Forge eventually winning, by hitting X-23 pell mell, much like he did with the beam in Mutants in Tights.
"SHAMELESS PLUG", shout the cast.
"Sir Forgeich prevails!", shouts Paul, "five strikes to two!"
Kurt grins, holding up Forge's arm.
"Yes! Behold, my Lord Forgeich!", he shouts, "the rock, the hard place. Like a wind from Gelderland, he sweeps by, blown far from his homeland in search of glory and honour,. Ve valk in the garden of his turbulence!"
There is complete and utter silence…in the distance, some crickets are heard chirping. Freddy sighs, unable to take the pain.
"Yeeaaah!", he says, in a deep not-Freddy voice.
This spurs the crowd into cheering wildly. A rock anthem hits in as we see more fighting, both sword and jousting, Forge winning easily. Bobby grins, hopping out with his microphone again.
"God, why hasn't anyone shot him yet?", groans Hank as Bobby sings.
You get up every morning
At the alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
There's a whistle up above
People pushing
People shoving
And the girls who try to look pretty
"I'm getting tired, how long do I have to keep this up?", asks Forge.
"Todd Fan says until you're good and sweaty", says Hank, "then you go to her trailer"
And if your train's on time
You can get to work by 9:00
Start to sleep and talk to get your pay
If you ever get annoyed
Look at me I'm self-employed
"You mean no one actually asked you to sing?", growls Hank, glaring at Bobby.
I love to work at nothing all day
And I've been taking care of business
Every day
Takin' care of business
Every way
Takin' care of business
And working overtime
Finally, Bobby is dragged offstage by Hank, Freddy, Todd and Kurt, jumping into the area to congratulate Forge.
"You done it!", grins Freddy, "you're champion"
"Of the sword", mutters Forge.
"That's why we're standing here isn't it?", smirks Freddy, "Come on, to the lists!"
"You wanna touch him?", screams Kurt, "Do you wanna touch him"
He pauses.
"Except Todd Fan, Forge wants a restraining order against you"
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Drat it!. Next time, you get to meet our Blacksmith-ette. Who's role was given thanks to the deleted scenes, which will be included at the end of the parody. Do review. Until next time…