Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time"
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ACT 6 – A very moody blacksmith
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"Good news", grins Todd, jumping in front of the cast "we now know what fonging is!"
"How?", asks Hank.
"Through tireless research", grins Todd, "I wanted to be more in character"
"Todd Fan heard it in the directors commentary, didn't she?", asks Hank.
"….Yes", Todd coughs, "It's kicking. Appropriate for my character, no?"
"…Shut up and act, Todd", sighs Hank.
After another winning joust, Forge rides back to Todd and Freddy, tapping his now cracked armour.
"What a burn", he sighs, "We should have saved our last penny for the blacksmith"
We cut to a forge…
"Forge is in a forge", giggles Hank.
Forge gives him a deadpan look.
"Ha. Ha", he says dryly, "You. Are. Hilarious"
"I know", smirks Hank.
Forge shakes his head, going back to pleading with Lucid, one of the blacksmiths.
"Now, I can't pay you now", he says, "but I promise you I will. Just as long a I…"
"No", says Lucid, tossing it back at him, "money"
Forge sighs, heading to the next smith along, Omega Red.
"Excuse me"
"Cash first, not promises", says Omega Red, "Go on"
Forge twitches.
"I could fix this myself"
"Not in this fic you can't", says Hank.
Forge growls, walking over to Jamie.
"Is it safe to let Multiple near big hammers and burning things?", asks Todd.
"Probably not", admits Hank"
"Excuse me……sir", Forge blinks, "I.."
"You might try the Farris", says Jamie, pointing over his shoulder across to another forge, where Wanda glares at them.
"….A woman?", asks Forge
Wanda gives Forge an even icier glare.
"Beggars can't be chooses, my Lord", smirks Jamie.
"Thank you", says Forge moodily, stomping over to where Wanda is working, being followed by Todd and Freddy.
"Excuse me!"
"I don't work for free", says Wanda, "chauvinistic pig"
"I'm a hippie", says Forge, "I'm not in the least bit chauvinistic. That's your brother"
Forge sighs.
"And I can't joust in broken armour"
"Your problem, not mine", says Wanda, giving a bit a smirk as she continues to work, "each drop of this sweat has a price on it"
"Really", grins Todd, "can I buy some Wanda sweat?"
"NO!", snaps Wanda.
Forge blinks, forming a cunning plan.
"Well, just as well", he says with a shrug, beginning to walk off, "They told me I was daft for even asking"
Wanda. Stops. Dead.
"Who?".
"The other armourers", says Forge, gesturing to Omega Red, Jamie and Lucid, who all look like they've about to be picked for an execution.
"Did they say I couldn't do it because I'm a woman?", growls Wanda.
"No", Jamie mouths, hiding behind a crate.
"No, they said you were great with horseshoes, but shite with armour", Forge gives a smile, "The fact that you're a woman wasn't even mentioned"
Wanda narrows her eyes stalking forwards and snatching the armour from Forge.
"Testy, testy", says Forge.
We cut to the jousting arena, where Guy Spears is flogging food…..or what might be food.
"Cat's meat. Hot wine", he calls, "Cats meat. Hot wine"
Not surprisingly, no one asks for it.
"Fine, I'll eat it myself", sniffs Guy.
As random jousting goes on, we see Storm sitting in her bench-thing, looking highly bored, as a string of knights walk past.
"Lady, I will win this tournament for you", says Pyro, waggling his eyebrows at her.
"Nay", says Duncan, "I will win it for you"
Storm watches them with increased boredom, before she is interrupted by Kelly.
"I get a big part!", squeal Kelly.
"Yes, the loser part", smirks Hank, "loser"
"My Lady", says Kelly, "may I present Count Logan, winner of the joust in France, and high champion at Saint Emillion"
"…I'm a baddie?", blinks Logan.
"Todd Fan hates Loro with every fibre of her being", says Hank pleasantly, "she hates it so much, to mention it leads her in a little war dance where she tears pieces of paper with her teeth"
"…Oh", Logan blinks, "okay then. All such moments forgotten. I'm standing with the most beautiful woman in Christendom"
"Gag me with a fish", says Storm, rolling her eyes, as Logan bows, "Do you only pretend to fight, Count Logan, or do you wage real war as well?"
"Ouch", smirks Dani beside her.
"I am leader of the free companies", says Logan, "My army's in southern France at the moment? I get an army? Oooooh there are some people I can get back at with an army"
Bellow at the entrance, Forge and Kurt are watching.
"Kurt, it's my lady", he says with a goofy grin.
"Oh, jeez, Forge", winces Kurt, "You aim too high"
"..What's what supposed to mean?", blinks Forge, "If there's another way to aim, I don't know it"
"Concentrate", says Freddy, walking over with Jott.
"What should I say to her?", asks Forge
Kurt considers, before whispering in Forge's ear, as we cut to the box-bench thing again.
"What do you think of the joust?", asks Logan.
"It's very abrupt", says Storm, "I'm afraid I don't understand the rules. It being a stupid boy-game"
"Then I shall educate ya", says Logan, then grimaces, "it's really hard ta talk 'ye olde English'".
"Shut up!", snaps Hank.
"A match is three lances", says Logan, as Kelly stand behind, a large falcon on his hand, "One point is awarded fer breaking a lance on a man between the wiast and the neck"
"This bird is looking at me funny", whispers Kelly.
"Two points fer breaking on the helmet", continues Logan, "It's difficult. The helmet sweeps back. Most blows glance off, leaving the lance unbroken. An' three points fer bearing a rider to the ground. Also, should you bear a rider to the ground, you win his horse"
"What?", say Jott and Lancitty.
"And do men die in the joust?", asks Storm.
"Seriously, this bird is making me uncomfortable", says Kelly again.
"The lances' points are tipped with coronals, this blunts them", says Logan, "Of course, accidents happen"
"Oooooh foreshadowing", says Hank.
"I , myself, Ororo, have never been unhorsed", Logan brags, then pauses, "….that sounds like an innuendo"
"No have I", smirks Storm.
"That was even more of one!", says Hank.
Suddenly, Forge rides up on Jott.
"Your name, lady", he says, "I still need to hear it"
"Sir Hunter", giggles Storm, "you persist"
"Or perhaps angels have no names", says Forge, "only beautiful faces"
"…Are we allowed to use that line?", whispers Hank.
"This is fanfiction", says Todd, "copyright is thrown right out of the window"
Storm sits back, grinning, obviously impressed. Logan, a bit pissed he's no longer centre of attention, butts in.
"An you are?"
"Well I…", Forge blinks, "am…um"
"You've forgotten?", smirks Logan, "or your name is Sir Um?"
"Forgeich von Lichtenstein", smiles Forge, "from Gelderland"
"Oh, I'd forget as well", says Logan, "What a mouthful. Your armour, Sir?"
"Bird wants to eat me", whispers Kelly.
"What about it?", asks Forge.
"How stylish of you to joust in an antique", says Logan, "You'll start a new fashion if you win. My grandfather will be able ta wear his in public again. And a shield. How quaint"
"Meow", smirks Dani.
Forge gives him a glare, before charging off on Jott.
"Some of these poor, country knights", tuts Logan, "Little better than peasants"
"And cut", says Hank.
"Arrggghh!", screams Kelly as the falcon attacks him, "I knew it. I KNEW IT!"
"…Pick him up before he bleeds to death", says Hank, then pauses, "only just before though…"
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Weee, a whole bunch of characters introduced in this one. I'm rapidly running out of males, though, so some gals might have to get I drag. It's Rahne all over again ;) Do review. Until next time….
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