Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH!"
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Act 7 – A strange stranger
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We open in the jousting arena, where Lucas is standing, making his announcements.
"I hate this job", he mutters, "Second son or Sir Wallace Percival, third Earl of Warwick, my lord, my ladies, it is with honour I introduce my liege"
He pauses.
"I don't bloody serve anyone!"
"Just pretend you do", sighs Hank
"Fine", snaps Lucas, "Sir Thomas Colville"
"That's a fake name if ever I heard one", quips Todd.
Everyone cheers as a knight, his face hidden by his helmet, waves jauntily. Kurt walks past, pointing a finger at Lucas.
"You're good", he said, "you're very good"
"Bite me", replied Lucas, narrowing his eyes and stalking off.
Kurt grins, going about his job.
"My lords, my ladies", he gives a grin, waving to the peasant folk, "and everybody else here not sitting on a cushion!"
The crowd cheer, as Kurt does his taboo. Go Kurt!
"Today, today, you find yourselves equals!", he says, "For you are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, nay, the pleasure of introducing to you a knight sired by knights"
Todd, watching begins to twitch.
"Urge to kill….rising", he mutters.
Kurt continues oblivious.
"A knight who can trace his lineage back beyond Charlemange", says Kurt.
Todd twitches some more as Freddy rolls his eyes, crossing his arms as Forge stands around, trying to be invisible.
"I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God"
"Don't throw your religions on mine, Blue-Boy", snaps Forge.
"Sorry, it's in the script", says Kurt, "Asking his forgiveness for the Saracen blood spilt by his sword. Next, he amazed me still further in Italy, vhen he saved a fatherless beauty from the vould-be ravages of her dreadful Turkish uncle"
"…..Sounds like I've been a guest on the Jerry Springer show", mutters Forge.
The crowd boo and hiss, ad Todd punches the helmet in his hands.
"In Greece", Kurt continues, "he spent a year in silence, just to better understand the sound….of a vhisper"
Kurt looks up in the box, where Storm is grinning like a Cheshire cat and Logan is scowling. Kelly, bandaged, yet still holding the killer bird, watches through his still working eye.
"And so, vithout further gilding of the lily and vith no more ado", says Kurt, "I give to you the seeker of serenity, the protector of Italian virginity, the enforcer of our Lord God, the one, the only, Sir Foooooorrrrrrgeich von Lichtenstein"
The crowd goes nuts as Kurt makes his way back to the group
"Thank you. Thank you", calls Kurt, "I'll be here all veek"
"Well, that was different", blinks Freddy.
"Vell, it's time ve celebrated our difference", says Kurt.
"Just….maybe not in public", says Freddy, shaking his head in disbelief.
"You….", chocked out Todd, twitching.
"Yes, Master Fowlehurst", says Kurt dryly, "I'm vell aware a good fonging is on the vay"
"Oh yeah…oh yeah", nods Todd, still twitching.
Kurt smiles, giving Jott a kiss.
"STOP KISSING ME!", screams Scott.
Kurt smirks, going over to where Fore is sitting on Jott, fixing his helmet.
"Now, I got their attention", says Kurt, "You go an vin their hearts"
Forge nods, albeit a little freaked out by Kurts less-than-truthful portrayal of his life. He goes about his jousting business, earing himself his points as he fights against 'Colville'.
"Very good", grins Kurt as Forge rides up after the first run.
"Was she watching?", asks Forge, like a school-kid, "Kurt, did she see me?"
"Yes she saw you", says Kurt, rolling his eyes.
"Did she see me take the hit?", asks Forge.
"Yes, she saw you take the hit", says Kurt, obviously deciding to reply with Forges question in the form of an answer.
"Was she concerned?", pressed Forge.
"It vas dreadful", Kurt lies, "Her eyes velled up. It vas awful"
"What was?", asks Storm, lifting her head out of a magazine.
We go back to the second run, where Forge gets another hit. From the box, Logan gives a grump sound.
"This Colville has perfect technique. But I've never seen him before", he says.
"No I", says Kelly, where the hawk is biting at his bandages, "but his Lichtenstein…His technique, rudimentary. Style, nonexistent"
"HEY!", says Forge, "I have plenty of style….I'm just in the wrong decade"
"Different type of style, Forge", sighs Hank.
"Still", continues Kelly, "He's fearless"
"Fearless?", asks Storm, "How so?"
"…Thanks, Honey", says Forge dryly.
"The silt in a helmet's visor is narrow, but splinters can penetrate it", says Logan, "Most knights raise their chins at the last instant. You lose sight of your opponent, but you protect your eyes. This Forgeich doesn't"
"He keeps his eye on the target", smiles Storm, then leans in to Dani, "A true hunter"
Down in the field, 'Colville' raises his hand as he and Forge ride up to one another He shifts the side of his helmet away to reveal a blue eye, fakinga new accent, being a master of disguise.
""Sir Forgeich, I'm through", he says, wincing from his injuries, "But I've never not finished before. I wish to keep my honour intact"
Forge squints, trying to work out who the hell is in there before blinking and nodding.
"Uhh…okay….strange stanger"
Rogue waves her flag and the horses ride to one another, both Forge and 'Colville' slowing and raising their lances to the sky as they pass each other
"A draw", blinks Kelly, "And Colville is hurt"
They watch 'Colville' getting taken care of by his squires as Lucas puts a white flag over his shield.
"Colville withdraws", says Lance, "Forgeich advances….that sounds like a dirty line. Why didn't Forgeich finish him?"
"He shows mercy", says Storm.
Logan looks a bit pompous again.
"Then he shows his weakness", he snorts, "for that's all mercy is"
We move to night time, where Forge, Todd and Freddy are sleeping in their tent, Todd's feet at Freddy and Forge's heads.
"….The…smell", gags Forge.
"For the love of victory, Forge, go to sleep", complains Freddy.
"I don't sleep very often", says Forge, "it's a side-effect of my mutation"
"….Forge say your line", says Hank.
"I can't", says Forge, "Love has given me wings so I must fly"
Freddy tires to ignore him, closing his eyes, pretending to be asleep.
"I can't explain it", says Forge, "She makes me feel like a poet"
"You may feel like a poet but you sound like an idiot", mutters Freddy, "You don't even know her name"
"Her name", sighs Forge, "Her name is Aphrodite, Calypso, Venus. Take your pick"
Freddy sighs, turning to look at Forge.
"Women weaken the heart", he says, "Without your heart, you cannot win"
"You're just pissed 'cause Jean picked Scott", says Forge.
"Shut up", says Freddy, settling back ot sleep.
"Oh, but her eyes", sighs Forge
"Concentrate", snaps Freddy.
Todd suddenly sits up in his sleep.
"Tansy cakes!", he says, hugging a ratty Kermit pillow….despite the century.
Todd blinks around, before lying back down. We cut to Storm's castle, where Dani is talking to Storm, who is wearing a red nightdress.
"Count Logan sends word", says Dani, "He said he will win this tournament for you"
Storm rolls her eyes.
"He's won many tournaments", she says, "He wins them for himself and for his own honour. So it's nothing to say he wins them for me"
Dani nods.
"He wishes to speak to you again", she says, "'cause he's a freak"
"Not to hear what I say", sighs Storm, "Logan wants his women silent"
Dani gives a sly smirk.
"Would you have Sir Forgeich win this tournament for you?", she asks with a chuckle.
"No!", snaps Storm spinning around, then smiles, "And he is the only knight that has not promised to do so"
She gives another smile, going into a daydream.
"Sir Forgeich von Lichtenstein", she sighs, "I would have him win my heart"
Dani arches a brow, giving Storm a poke.
"Earth to Storm, helooooooooo"
"Oh well, I'm sure she'll be back to normal by the next act", shrugs Hank.
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Another act done and dusted. I'll be started the Wild, Wild West parody again shortly, as I want most of these at leats almost done before I start back in uni. Who is Mr Colville? Find out eventually! Do review. Until next time…