Fourteenth Century Man
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?"
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ACT 10 – A prince in knights clothing
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We open in the forge (lowercase, the building, not the person), where Wanda is working away on Forge's (uppercase, the person) new armour. She smiles as she finishes, carving two tick-swish marks in the chest.
"PRODUCT PLACEMENT!", shouts Hank.
A little later, we see Forge testing out his new armour, looking a bit confused.
"What?", asks Wanda icily.
"I don't know", sighs Forge, "It's too small. It's too light"
"He'll be crushed!", says Todd, "Killed"
"Not to mention dead", says Hank.
"No", says Wanda, trying, very hard, not to kill anyone, "I found a new way to heat the steel. It's thinner, smaller, but just as strong"
"What are these?", asks Freddy, pointing at the product placement marks.
"The marks of my trade", says Wanda proudly, "Should another Knight admire the armour"
"Phil Knight owns Nike", grins Hank, "Bad dum bump!"
All three begin giggling, causing Wanda to narrow her eyes, hex-bolts forming in her hands.
"Twist, bend!", she snaps, "Feel the movement!"
"Well..", Forge shrugs, "but eventually I will be struck"
"And then death", says Todd, "….maybe this 'aint such a bad thing"
Wanda gives another I'm-trying-not-to-kill-you sigh.
"Do you at least have the courage to test it?", she asks.
We cut to Freddy and Wanda charging at Forge with a battering ram.
"This is going to be fun", grins Wanda
"Mother!", cries Forge as it rams into him, sending him flying across the room into a pile of sacks.
"Are you alright, Forge?", asks Freddy, glancing over.
"I didn't feel a thing", blinks Forge
Wanda gives a smirk.
"Told you so", she says smugly.
We change scenes to the tournament grounds, where Forge is walking around in his armour, other knights are laughing and pointing at him.
"…And we're back to high school", sighs Forge, getting onto Jott, watching as another knight in heavy armour is helped onto a horse by some extra Multiples, "What's the name of that knight?"
"He is Victor", says Freddy, "He's raised the taxes on his land three times this year to pay for tournament"
"His people starve while he sits at banquet", adds Todd, handing Forge's helmet to him.
Forge scowls, putting his helmet on.
"It's probably true", whispers Todd to Freddy from under Jott's neck.
"You have hit a new low", says Scott, "lying is bad"
"Oh, shut up", says Jean, "at least he's lighter now"
Rogue waves her flag and Forge charges at Sabertooth. Storm and Dani watch from their box, Storm wearing a dress that shows plenty of cleavage.
"It's as if she wants Forge to fall off the horse", says Dani
Forge manages to knock Sabertooth off Lancitty.
"Oww", says Sabertooth as Lancitty falls on him, "that's gonna hurt in the morning"
"My hip, my hip!", shouts Lance.
"I'm sick of being the bad guy horse", says Kitty, "I want to be the good-guy horse!"
"Forgeich von Lichtenstien", smirks Storm as the crowds chant Forge's name.
We move to the next match, where Kelly is standing stock-still giving his speech.
"My Lord, the Count Logan, son of Philippe de Vitry"
"…I have a dad?", blinks Logan.
"So of…." Kelly starts to stammer as a beam of light hits him square in the eyes, "I'M BLIND!"
"Your imagining it", says Hank.
"Master of the free companies", carried on Kelly, squinting against the light, "defender of his enormous manhood"
"PARDON!", says Logan
We see Kurt is in the stands with the gang, using a mirror to catch the light and send it in Kelly's eyes.
"This is fun", giggles Kurt.
"A shining example", carried on Kelly, "of chivalry and….champagne"
He gives a bow, deciding to hide.
"You are so fired", says Logan.
Lucas apearts, dressed in his jaunty robes again, still scowling.
"My lords..", he starts.
"Watch every move Logan makes", says Freddy in the stalls, "If there's a weakness, we'll find it"
"Colville looks fit", says Forge, "This should be good"
"….You think he looks fit?", Wanda squicks.
"Healthy, yes", Forge blinks, "….I'm missing some new-age lingo, aren't I?"
"It's okay, Forge", says Kurt, patting his back, "ve got sued to you by now"
"My liege", continues Lucas, "second son of Sir Wallace Percival, it is my deepest honour…"
At this time, Kelly is talking to some other squires, glancing over at 'Colville'. He blinks, giving one of them, Jason, a push, sending him off. Lucid blinks at this, but continues.
"My deepest hnour, to present to you…."
"It's Pietro, my lord", says Jason, racing over to Logan, "They're sure of it!"
Logan sighs, nodding at Kelly. Just as Lucas finishes his speech, Kelly pust a white flag over Logan's shield, causing the crowd to boo."
Pietro, his face still hidden, gives a sigh.
"I want to play horsey"
"Logan withdrew", blinks Forge.
"To withdraw like that can only mean one thing", blinks Freddy.
"Royalty", says Todd.
"Boo-yah!", grins Pietro, who raises his lance at Logan, Logan returning the action.
"I'll see vhat I can find out", says Kurt, bamfing off.
A few minutes later, and Kurt is at the mid section of the arena, talking with Tabby.
"Prepare to drop the flag", she says as Rogue puts Forge's coat of arms on the wall.
"No, no ,no, not yet", begs Kurt, "Vait"
"Musicians, announce..", carried on Tabby, enjoying being oblivious to him.
"Vait!", says Kurt, "I must speak vith my lord!"
"Then go", says Tabby, "And see if you can beat the Second Coming, eh?"
Kurt bamfs over to where Forge is getting ready to joust.
"Vait! Vait!", he yelps, "Colville is Pietro, the Black Prince of Wales, and the future King of England"
"I'm the prince of Wales!", shouts Pietro, "I rule!"
"Only because your voice actor happens to be Welsh", snaps Hank.
WELSH RULE! CYMRU! CYMRU!
"See, you have her going all patriotic now", sighs Hank
Hey, you have to speak incredibly fast to get all the syllables of the Welsh language out right, of course a Welshman could speak super-fast. Pietro speak
"Once again", says Pietro, "I rule.
Of course, the Prince of Wales isn't ACTUALLY Welsh, which is wrong…bloody Sais
"Todd Fan, can we please get on with this now?", asks Hank.
Yes……sorry….I'll shut up now.
Forge looks over at Pietro.
"He's in disguise like me", says Forge, "So he can compete"
"He has never met an enemy vithout victory", says Kurt, "He has never attacked a town he could not defeat"
"We're English, Kurt, We know who he is", says Todd, then blinks, "technically, only I am, but still…" (1)
"You must withdraw, Forge", says Freddy, "Go tell them, they're about to drop the flag"
"Absolutely", pants Kurt, then adds icily, "not like multiple 'portings exhaust me or anything"
He vanishes with a bamf to the shields, grabbing the white flag to put it on, causing the crowd to sigh
"Give me the lance", says Todd to Forge, "Give me the lance!"
Forge ignores him, charging off instead. Pietro blinks, then grins happily.
"LANCE!", he shouts.
"What?", asks Lance, turning his panto head to look at Pietro as he sits on Lancitty.
Lucid hands him his lance and Pietro charges off. They both hit, getting a draw.
"Oh my giddy aunt", gasps Kurt
"The British don't use that term as much as you think they would", says Hank.
Storm and Dani claps from their box as Logan scowls.
"The match is a draw!", shouts Tabby
"Are you mad?", asks Kurt to Forge, "You knowingly endanger a member of the royal family?"
"He knowingly endangers himself", points out Forge as Pietro rides up.
"Well fought, Sir Forgeich", he says, "As it was in Rouen"
"And you also, Prince Pietro"
Pietro grins, pulling his helmet off, giving his hair a vain swish.
"Say it like that again, it makes me feel special", he says, "You knew me?"
"Yeah", says Forge, and Kurt walks off, holding his head in his hands.
"And still you rode?", asked Pietro.
"It's not in me to withdraw", says Forge.
"Ah. nor me", grins Pietro.
"….Don't you two have enough slash implication in the Wild West parody?", asks Hank, "why make it worse?"
",...Shut up, Hank", says Pietro, "Though it happens"
"Yes, it does", says Forge
"What?", asks Hank, "Pietro/Forge slash?"
"SHUT UP, HANK!", they both snap.
"Good luck with the tournament", says Pietro
"And you also", says Forge with a nod as they go their separate ways.
We move to later, where the knights are claiming their awards.
"The winner of the mounted joust, and tournament champion", says Tabby, "Forgeich von Lichtenstein"
The crowd cheer as Forge gets his golden thing, though he moodily tosses it to Freddy.
"Here", he says, "Melt it down, sell it, do whatever you do"
"Yes, Your Majesty", says Freddy dryly.
"Forge, you're tournament champion!", says Todd happily
"I'm not champion until I defeat Logan!", snaps Forge, "Logan withdrew"
"Sir Forgeich"
It is then Forge notices Storm has been walking beside him for the past few minutes.
"I've come to see what you'll wear at the banquet tonight", she says.
"Nothing", says Forge moodily
"That will cause a sensation", giggles Storm, "I'll dress to match"
"Is that a promise?", grins Forge
"You're supposed to be moody!", snaps Hank.
"Awww", says Forge sadly, then goes back to being moody, "Don't you ever get tired of putting on clothes?"
"I did when I was a teenager", says Storm, "I used to walk naked around the Institute" (2)
Forge twitches slightly.
"I believe she's talking about taking them off, my Lord", Kurt whispers in his ear.
"A flower is only as good as it's petals", says Storm, "don't you think?"
"A flower is good for nothing", says Forge, then blinks, "no, it's the symbol of hippies everywhere!"
"Shut up", snaps Hank.
"Really?", asks Storm.
"You can't eat a flower", says Forge, "A flower doesn't keep you warm"
"Am a rose never knocked a man off a horse, either, did it?", snaps Storm.
Forge blinks at her, before scrunching up his face in an amusing manner, waving his hands at her.
"You're just a silly girl, aren't you?", he says, "…please don't hit me"
Freddy and Dani glance up form where they'd been flirting unashamedly as Storm looks down sadly.
"Better a sill girl with a flower", she says, "than a silly boy with a horse and a stick"
With that, she stomps off, Dani following behind her.
"It's called a lance!", shouts Todd after the women, "Heloooooo!"
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(1) – Comic Toad is, indeed, English.
(2) – Yes, she did.
I love that lance bit at the end. Do review, Until next time…