Chapter 11 (In Jackie's P.O.V)
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BE- SLAM! I awoke up at 6:00 in my cot to Donna's hand crashing on the alarm, none of us were happy to go back to school. Especially me. What was waiting for me there? Evil glares, hushed whispers, pointing and snickering. Oh yeah, I definitely wasn't ready.
Lazily, I dragged my feet out of bed, I wasn't tired, I just didn't want to face the day. The fact that my whole entire life is going to change…..again. It was so unfair, I get to be the screwed up junior, while everyone makes fun of me, I bet they would be ashamed if they found out why I'm so screwed up, I think I would like to see them in pain.
I walk to the closet and pick out the least offending clothes. A purple t-shirt that says "kiss my sash" and a skull and cross bones. Dark jeans, and some shoes. I don't think I could handle a skirt. Too feminine, I never feel feminine anymore, I think it's because it was ripped away from me. Who knows.
I'm done before Donna, my hair is in waves naturally so I didn't feel the need to fix it. I go downstairs and wait in the kitchen. My mind is reeling as my legs swing. If there was ever a time for super powers, now would be it. I'd be invisible, making myself unseen to the human eye, creating minor acts of mayhem on my fellow students. Sticking up for my fellow friends, and kicking asses of those who hurt people. People like me.
My head sways to the window, I can see the Forman household. And naturally I think to Steven. I'm getting dependent. Too dependent. I never planned on getting into a relationship so fast, honestly, I never planned on getting in a relationship ever again. But I'm such a fucking romantic, even after getting hurt, in more ways than one, I always find myself in someone's arms. I suppose I'm just that person who doesn't think of themselves as complete, until someone comes along and completes them.
I think I'm just pathetic.
Donna comes strolling in with a backpack slung over her right shoulder, she hastily grabs a bagel and walks over to me.
"Ready to go?" She's quite winded, I look over to the clock. 7:10. 7:10? Wow, I really shouldn't trust myself alone.
I jump off the counter and put on my backpack. "Yup" I say it quite unenthusiastically. I think Donna just thinks I'm tired. But not anymore, I don't find myself tired. Just incomplete. It exhausts one to sleep. We trudge to the car and step in. I close my eyes and try to ignore the feel of nausea in my stomach. A sense of foreboding maybe? No, I don't need my stomach to tell me I'm in deep shit.
I personally stopped by the Forman's last night to talk to Steven. I told him to be at school on time tomorrow, there was no way I was going down by myself. I wasn't dragging Steven down with me, just bringing him along for the ride. Maybe he could find some amusement in it. At least someone would have a good time. I'm sure I'll be able to find him somewhere, and even till then I have Donna. My goal is to avoid as much of the student body as humanly possible. I don't think my assumptions are close to reality.
Creeeakk.
Slam!
I open my eyes to find myself at our high school hell. I really need to work on my timing. Donna peeks her head into the car.
"Come on sleepy, school awaits. And I need to find Eric."
I step out of the car, immediately uncomfortable by the humid air. Things tend to stay hot here until late September, it makes for antsy and irritable kids. Kind of cruel. I expect things to get much, much worse.
Donna and I walk through the high school doors, the school is cool. Unexpected, but nice. Maybe today won't be so bad.
"JACKIEEEE!"
Or maybe it will.
I stop dead in my tracks and whisper to Donna "Don't leave me" There's no way I'm going to plunge into a throng of cheerleaders by myself, I don't do that anymore. When did I change so much? Oh yeah. When I was raped.
I turn around slowly, Donna is by my side, I think she knows I need her here. At least that's what I'm hoping she knows.
Some cheerleader named Candi or Mandi runs up to me. I vaguely recognize her, I don't think I paid any attention to who was on the squad, I just looked for the outfits and squealed and giggled. I didn't have to know any names, we just played the part. High school is screwy like that, everyone plays the part, and when you get out, you get to be yourself. It's like an award I suppose, for getting that far. I know I can't wait for my name to be called.
Candi starts pulling me over to another hoard of cheerleaders, I visibly shudder and hold back. Candi asks me what's wrong. I don't know how to respond. So I don't. And I walk away.
I've already made my mark.
Donna and myself find Steven and Eric by some errant lockers. Eric and Donna kiss and cuddle while I just lean myself on the locker next the Steven, the one he's leaning on.
"Rough day?" He asks.
"Yup, it's already started."
"Is it hard?"
"Rock hard. Only after 5 minutes I know, that I can't even possible manage to try and communicate with them." I sigh on cue, dramatically of course, and turn to look at Steven "I guess I just don't want to pretend anymore." I shrug my shoulders to make it seem less dramatic and not a big deal. But I know it is. And so does he.
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I hear thousands of whispers in the crowded hall, and I don't feel like crying. Nah, I haven't felt like that in a while. I turned my face in the crook of Steven's neck and I let out a genuine laugh. Little tiny shakes take over my body and I pull out of his embrace and smile in front of him. He smiles back, a little confused. I wrap my arms around his neck and whisper into his ear, like a big secret being told for the first time. Precious.
"Screw them. I'm already going to hell, why not make a show." I pull back and he's smirking, a devilish smirk I missed a lot. And it's not like the new found softer Steven isn't great, but I loved the badass zenmaster who showed us all a good time.
So I kissed him, full blown out make out session right in the middle of the halls in Point Place high school. But kissing Steven, I don't care about what anyone thinks. He's all I need, his hands on my waist, his hands on my back, his hands in my hair. I just need him.
People will get over it, and I'll move on.
The first bell rings and I pull away from his lips, my breathing a little heavy. And so is his, I think the schools is as well. He smirks once more, reaches in to his front pocket and puts on his shades. And we casually stroll down the hall as he walks me to my first class, his arm casually hanging from my shoulder. Like we'd been together for years.
In truth, it's only 2 ½ months.
But who's counting?
I step into my first class, English 11 honors. I may have been a cheerleader, but I wasn't stupid. English was something that came naturally to me, it flowed out of me when math couldn't.
People look at me like an alien, but it's all I can expect. I decide not to spend too much time fretting over it, people will talk. But that's all it is, talk. When it comes down to physical abuse instead of mental. Then I'll worry, but for now, for now I take a seat in the back of class and try to listen as Mr. Yaits drones on. We're all designed to cope.
"Symbolism" he says "Is a way to repeat what goes on in the book, without boring you to death. If you repeat, she is scared, she is scared, she is scared, it would be boring as hell. So, we use symbolism to make reading worth while."
Mr. Yaits is cool, he's only like 29, so he still has a sense of humour in tact.
"You want a passing grade, read between the lines." And he drops Jane Eyre on our desks. English class, should be interesting.
Class lets out and I go to all my classes like a mindless drone, it's all the same bullshit as last year, only the teachers change and the stuff gets harder. I can handle it.
Luckily, the six of us have lunch together. So I won't have to sit by myself and look insanely lost and scout a place to sit. I carry my brown bag in to the cafeteria, I hide behind members of the basketball team and quietly drift down the large hall. I slide out the door and see my friends at a picnic table. Seniors are only allowed to eat outside, but that rule hasn't been enforced for years. Teachers are more worn out than students, I think they'd prefer it if we just didn't show up at all.
Donna turns around and calls my name. I walk up to the table and they all make room for me to sit down. I'm in between Donna and Steven, I'm feeling pretty safe right about now.
Conversation jumps across the table.
"Man, I have Holster again this year, she keeps on riding me for homework that I didn't turn in last year!"
"I already got detention man, a demerit for wandering the halls. Yeah, right. I was taking a leisurely stroll man!"
"My homeroom teacher is new and he is so uptight, apparently he worked in the navy. He treats us like soldiers."
I watch with deep interest, I used to love partaking in the conversation, but now I just love to watch it. Maybe I am screwed up, the possibilities are endless.
I feel something on my knee, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I figure out it's Steven's hand. I don't mind it anymore, at first it kind of freaked me out, but now, now I wait for him to do it. Because he's not doing it out of lust, more for comfort. We both like to be touching each other, always keeping contact. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll fall if I'm not attached to him. But fall where? Inside my mind? That would be scary, I don't trust myself in there anymore.
I reach for his hand on my knee and entwine our fingers, I draw patterns on his palm and play with his fingers. His hands are my favorite, well, that and his arms. I could feel them all day. He's not like Kelso in any way. That's my favorite part about him.
I turn my head and kiss him, and he kisses back. It's gentle of course, it's how they all start, where they end up later is a different story. I gently deepen it, forgetting of course that there are people still sitting at the same table. But his hands come to waist and stomach and I lose all sense. We break apart slowly, at the same time. And I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. That's the way school should be.
But I don't bother with wishing anymore.
School ends with a sigh, a huge burden on my shoulders, bringing me down. I think by the time ends I'll be dead, suffocation.
I slowly make my way towards the car, dragging my feet in a sad trudge. After lunch, when I had to come off my high of Steven, I was confronted by 4 football players and the whole cheerleading squad. They told me I'd better break it off with Steven or I'm off the team.
Tough decision.
I'm sure they'll figure out my answer by tomorrow.
I get into the car with Donna and we take off. Leaving our problems behind with the school. My former self waves sadly as we part, wishing me well on my new adventure into womanhood. I don't look back.
Steven is already at the house when we get to Donna's, I'm assuming he skipped his last class, I don't intend to tell him that's bad for him to do. Taking off a class or two would be nice. I don't think I'll him that.
I step out of the car and Steven walks over to me, a slow walk with his thumbs in the belt loops. Very cool, very casual. He stops in front of me.
"So, I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight."
I'm thinking it's a school night, but I'm also thinking I don't have parents to tell me that. Maybe I'll badass myself to death.
"A date?" I hear myself ask.
He shrugs his shoulders "Yeah, whatever"
I don't think I want to go out in public, not in embarrassment, I never feel comfortable in crowds anymore.
"Where?" I'm being cautious. Too cautious? Maybe, but one can never be too safe.
"Just out to Kerry's"
Hmm, Kerry's. It's pretty dark in there, a place where you can spend quiet alone time with a lover, usually a band will play something soft.
"Ok" It's nothing big, and Steven will be there.
He nods and turns to walk away but stops.
"Uh, I guess I'll come pick you up at like 7."
"Ok" I don't really feel like talking today. He looks a little dejected, I suppose school just has me down.
He's walking away, I call out his name "Steven, wait" He turns around.
I walk up and he opens his mouth to talk but I wrap my arms around his neck and he closes his mouth. My left hand comes down to his cheek and holds it, flexing my thumb over the smooth skin. Steven always had smooth skin. Never a blemish, his eyes are clouded over. I'm assuming mine are too, we tend to rub off on each other. My thumb rubs over his bottom lip, I can't last any longer. My hand curls into his hair and I kiss him fiercely. His hands wrap around my back, one on my lower back and one higher. It feels good, and he tastes better than anything I've ever tasted. I only want more. I suck on his bottom lip before claiming his mouth again. His tongue enters and it dances with mine. We pull apart in heavy breathing, and I hug him.
And I let go, step away, and look.
It's a new feeling, like I can't be away from him, like I can't survive without his touch. It sends chills down my spine, he seems to notice it too. Maybe we need some time apart. I need a nap, I need to do my homework.
"Until 7 then." I turn around walk into the house, hearing a faint "Yeah" coming in Steven's direction. We both sound utterly lost. I just want to be near him again.
I'm thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
At 6:30 I started to get ready, I had finished my homework like a good little girl, I'm too scared to get in trouble this early in the school year. Maybe when I feel hopelessly lost and undone I'll start missing out and flunking, but here's to hoping that day doesn't come.
I look at my reflection, not too bad. The most effort I've put in yet. It's a simple summer dress. White, with blue and pink flowers with green stems. They look like water colors. The dress comes to my knees, but frills out in different directions at the waist. I wear low, white heels. I stick a barrette in my hair, on the side. I only put on lip gloss.
I'm all ready to go, so I head downstairs and wait at the table. I fiddle my thumbs and click my heels on the tiles, anything to distract myself from thoughts. Of this afternoon, it's not working, it's all I can think about. I know what it is, it's love. As much as I hate to admit it, it doesn't scare, not like it used to. I don't feel like I'm going to get hurt, but I know it's definitely a certain possibility.
The last thing I want to feel is pain, and I don't. Not with Steven at least. But am I setting myself up only to fall? Love is a huge risk, but, is it too soon? Yes. It is, but, that doesn't mean it's not there.
Ding! Dong!
Shit. I stand up and open the door. Wow, it's odd, but really nice. Steven's wearing some khaki slacks with a blue button down shirt, with a wife beater underneath. It brings out his eyes. He looks at me for a little while and all I can do is stare back. It's comfortable, he smiles gently, so little you might not be able to tell it's a smile. I've never seen him smile like that. A Mona Lisa smile.
"You look beautiful." He says. I smile a little and step towards him. I look at his shirt and put my hands on the pattern.
He looks down at me and smiles again, I kiss him, and tell him he looks handsome. We take his car and head down the highway. He makes a right and I get confused.
And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death
"I thought we were going to Kerry's"
He shakes his head "We were, but I thought of something much better after you left."
I smile, a surprise? "Where?"
He grins. And he keeps silent.
He makes another left and pulls into a dirt road. The trees are all swaying and dancing, shining, glistening with the paint the sun provides. There isn't enough effort not to smile, it's truly beautiful. We come to a clearing and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep me from gasping. It's beautiful.
I step out of the car and take a few steps forward, a huge maple tree stands, elegant and strong. It creates a shade for us, and a view. A grand view of the miles and miles of trees below us. It's enough to make the Gods weep. I turn around and look at him.
He's smiling again, leaning against his car, watching me watch him. And I know, I know I love him. And it feels like forever, like 3 months ago never happened. He moves from his car and walks toward me. His hands go to my waist and I place my hands on his chest.
"Where'd you find this place?"
"I used to come here when my mom was pissing me off. I didn't want to go to a stuffy club. I figured this place would be ten times better."
I smile wide and kiss him "You're right, this is ten times better." I pull him over to the shade of the maple and sit down. He sits behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach. There's a setting sun, and it's setting away all my problems. The warm glow relaxes my face, and sends me resting on Steven's shoulder, where his chin come to stand in the crook of my neck.
"I love you" He tells me.
I lift my head and turn around to look at him. My face is unreadable, blank. It's causing him pain, and I know the strength it takes to say it, especially coming from him. But just looking at him I know I couldn't even have the courage to lie and say I don't. Because I do, so much. And so I tell him, and I kiss him gently. He smiles into the kiss and lays me down, kissing me gently all the way. And it's right. So right it should be wrong.
But it's not. It's finally right. And it may only be 2 ½ months. But time is never on my side.
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay
End Chapter.
A/N: Wow, this is personally one of my favorite chapters. Feedback is appreciated! Song is "such great heights" By Iron and Wine (slow song version) or the postal service (fast song version)