Chapter 12 (In Jackie's P.O.V)
It's beginning of October, and the cold weather has already felt a need to make his presence. It seeps through our wind breakers and chills our spines, and sends a warning of the winter to come. I like to stay inside and wrap myself in blankets and warm socks. Winter has always been my favorite time of year. It invigorates. Hmmm, Death Number 42: Invigorate myself to death. I'll add it to the list.
School has not been much of a change, people point and laugh at me like I'm some sort of circus freak, like I don't have feelings. But, I suppose payback is a bitch. I use to point and laugh as well, only now, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, because life is so much more complicated than a bunch of immature, hormonally driven skankoids. I just figure that I shouldn't let it get to me.
But things are harder now, harder to ignore. I try to maneuver my ways around the school, any length to avoid the people I used to associate with. If I walk by them, the books that are in my arms gets torn from my grasp and thrown to the floor, or I find myself tripping coincidentally around them. I don't let my friends know what's going on at school, it's better if I kept this to myself. I already worry about myself too much, I don't need other people worrying about me as well.
Sometimes I'm scared for myself, there are times when I find myself getting numb again, where I just stare ahead at the walls and forget. And I don't want to go back there again. I'd give anything if I could just forget and live, but it's so much more harder to keep on going to school pretending that my life is okay, that it doesn't bother me, that I'm okay.
But Steven, he makes me forget. He makes me feel like the only people in the world are the two of us, and I love him for it. But he can't be around me forever, and he can't be my solution to finding the will to move on. It's like this quote I read in a book.
"Do you have the will to carry on, when you know you can't survive?"
The thing is, I don't know if I can survive, so I don't know if I have the will. I suppose time will only tell. But right now there is a knock at the door.
I make my way down the stairs and open the door to see the face of Steven. I smile brightly and launch myself into his arms for a hug. I think Steven is the only one who can truly make me smile anymore, I don't know what I would do if Steven wasn't there. If Steven didn't love me. I don't like to think about it. But he does, he loves me. And that's enough to get through the day, knowing he'll come to me at the end of it and tell me he loves me.
Things with Steven have been great, he doesn't pressure me into anything, except talking about my problems. But he hasn't figured out what happens at school. I don't want him to know, I think he would literally attach himself to me at the hip and set up camera's in all of my classes. But I don't want to be the needy girlfriend, I want him to see his friends and do what he likes to do. And have the option of seeing his girlfriend. I should only be top priority to him some of the time. I'm not his life, just a part of it.
We settle on the couch and I throw my legs over his lap. My head rests at his shoulder and I weave my fingers in and out of his.
"How was school." He asks this most of the time.
"It was fine." Occasionally I'll throw in a good, or a sarcastic great. I like to vary things when I lie to him.
"You're lying to me." Some of the time I get angry when he says this, angry because he knows me so well. He can tell that I lie, and that something is wrong, and he gets angry too because I won't tell him what's wrong, and he can't figure out how to make me better.
"No I'm not." I reply to this calmly, I don't feel like getting angry today.
He turns to face me and grabs my shoulders.
"Jackie, I've had it. Stop lying to me, tell me what's going on."
I gulp. I don't know if to tell him or not.
"Alright, I am lying to do. I have been." I suppose I just don't feel like pretending anymore.
"About what?" He asks.
"About school, things aren't fine. I just didn't…..want, you to worry more than you already do. I feel like I'm being a burden for you, like I'm more an obligation for you instead of you wanting to help me. I know that's cruel to say, but, I just….feel…like, like I can't make you happy, because I'm not…a happy person."
It's true, I don't think I can make him happy, but he makes me happy, he really does.
He looks perplexed, he opens his mouth to respond. But I'm not done talking.
"But, things are rough right now. In school, I usually have a crappy day, but whenever I see you when I come home I feel the happiest I've ever been. I'm just saying, that school isn't going to change, I'm always going to have a rough time with it, I guess I just didn't feel the need to tell you about it because it wasn't going to get any better, and I know that it bothers you when you can't help me."
This is the part where I stop talking, I've said my piece. I don't know if I feel any better because of it, I decide that when Steven tells me his piece. He has yet to speak.
"Jackie, when I don't see you in school I do worry about you. I wonder if you're okay. I wonder if somebody is giving you a hard time. And then I come here and I see you looking so depressed, I want to help you because I know how amazing you are when you're happy. But then you lie to me and tell me you're fine, it makes me mad. Because I know you're not, and you know I can tell when you're lying, but you do it anyway. Jackie I don't want to make you happy out of obligation, I want to make you happy….I want to make you happy because, because I love you."
I swear I almost cry right then and there. It's only the second time he's told me he loved me, not since that day.
"I love you too." And it's true, it will always be true. People often say that they might have always been in love and not known it. But that often isn't possible, the reasons I love Steven are not what I used to see him be like. It's often the secret side of people we all fall in love with.
He smiles. I love that smile. He cups my cheek and kisses me slow. About to pull away I decide I can't let him, I loop my arms around his neck and pull him back to me, his kisses make me forget all about my life. They make me concentrate on him and me. The only people in the world right now as far as I'm concerned. His hand goes to my lower back and guides us slowly onto the couch.
I sink my hands into his hair and kiss him passionately, hot needy spicy man woman hot kiss. It makes me breathless, his kiss fleet from my lips to my jaw to my neck. He sucks and kisses there in a way that makes me squirm. His right hand settles on the inside of my thigh and I gasp. There's that feeling again, that hot, burning, flame in my center. I like, no love the feeling of it. But I find myself wanting more of it. And there's only one way I can get it, and that doesn't scare me the way it used to. But it worries me, and I don't want to worry when I make out with my boyfriend. That isn't the way things work. So I pull out of the kiss we are in the middle of and slowly kiss his forehead. I tell him I love him.
I stand in the doorway and watch him walk away to the Forman's house, I'll miss him. But I have homework to do, and tomorrow is Saturday. I'm spending the day with him. The last thing I want to do this weekend is homework.
("The best way to love, is to love like you have never been hurt.")
I lie awake in my cot and stare at the ceiling. This quote keeps repeating over and over in my mind. It's trying to tell me something other than the obvious, but I can't figure it out. It's driving me insane. If the best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt, then I would have to go back to before when I wasn't hurt, and I can't be that person again.
Love is always something that will complicate things the most, because there are so many things that can come out of it. So many consequences, so many options, chances, mistakes, sacrifices, impacts. So many ways to love a person. Love, has branches of branches of branches. Love can branch to lust, lies, passion, affairs, mistresses, rape.
People make books about love, stories and poems about love. But nobody should follow the same path or conclusion one makes because love can contradict and backfire. You can't love the same way twice. It's nearly impossible.
The best way to love someone is to love like you are discovering a secret about yourself. Trying to find a secret identity, a new thought, a new way to laugh, a new way to smile.
A new way to live.
I smile on the outside, loving Steven is a new life for me. It's an adventure and it's romantic and it's breathtaking. It's everything a girl could want, but it's not what I need. There's still that empty space, and I know what it takes to complete it. Two souls and two bodies becoming one.
But can I handle it? Loving, is not just enough. Loving can heal, but mentally the memory and images remain. Only time will tell I suppose.
I roll over in my bed and watch the sky from the window, and things turn to black.
("Love is not blind-it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.")
In the morning I wake up at 10 and lazily stretch every muscle, awakening them for the routine of the day. Donna is already up. I walk to the window and open it. Immediately I'm met with a crisp, warm air. The weather people said today would be the best day to go out, in the mid 70's.
I put on my ¾ length shirt and my flares. Steven and I were aiming for casual fun today. I don't know what we're going to do.
I head downstairs and grab a donut Mr. Pinciotti bought this morning and proceed to munch over to the Forman's. I don't know what Donna's doing today. I'll ask her when I get home.
I walk into the basement and wipe the crumbs from my hands on my pants. The basement is empty. Not surprising, I walk into Steven's room and watch him sleep for a minute or two. I walk over cautiously and sit on the side of his bed. His chest goes up and down in a steady rhythm.
What I could really do is tickle his feet where I know he is most sensitive, or I could jump up and "Oh my god! It's a fire!" But, I know Steven, and I really think he would break up with me if I woke him up like that. He's not a morning person. Now, what does Steven like that I could wake him up with?
Oh, the possibilities.
I lean down and kiss Steven gently, applying a bit of pressure. Not to my surprise he kisses back after a moment. I break out of the kiss and look at him. He opens one eye sleepily and closes it again, moans, and rolls over.
I grin at his actions.
"Stteeevveenn." I say quietly but whiny. I roll him over and jump on his stomach earning a loud "OOmmph."
"Time to wakey wakey!"
I get off of him and stand before him. He looks to his clock and says tiredly "Damn woman! It's only 10:30. In what way do I wake up at all before noon."
Expecting nothing less, I think of a way to put this that would make him get up.
"Well, we were going to spend the day together. And I woke up at 10 but I just couldn't wait any longer to see you. Don't you want to spend time with me?" I put on a pout for good show.
He sighs and says "Yeah, give me 20 minutes, I'm gonna shower."
I slide in next to him and hug his midriff. "Thanks babe." I say it quietly. I look up and kiss him gently one more time before getting out of his bed to head back.
"Come over to Donna's when you're ready."
The walk back is quiet (and short of course) but I can't help notice the sun shining it's warm rays on me. How they're quite hot. When BAM! I suddenly have an idea for us to do today. I reach Donna's and grab a bag and start packing a lunch and dinner for both of us. I grab my swimsuit and a change of clothes. All done in about 10 minutes. I wait eagerly at the front door.
Ding! Dong!
I open the door quickly and Steven staggers back. I laugh quietly before hugging him. He smells good, it's deep and woody.
"You smell good."
I hear his laugh, deep laugh. Sort of a chuckle.
"Thanks."
I think we both just sort of forgot our place here, it must have been 5 minutes, but we just stood there hugging each other. It was nice.
I pull out of the embrace.
"Right, so I thought of a great place for us to spend the day. You didn't want to spend it in public did you?"
He says no with a shake of the head.
"Great, because I thought we could spend it at my parents ski cabin. It's going to be foreclosed in like 2 months, so I thought we could use it before it's gone. If you don't wanna do that we cou-"
Steven cuts me off "No I think it's a good idea. Let's go babe."
We get into his car and drive off to the ski cabin.
The whole ride was driven in relative silence. It wasn't an awkward silence. But comfortable, Steven was never one to talk that much anyway. The ride was about and hour drive, his hand was on my knee the whole way.
The road ahead of us is blank, just a straight line. No curves, no twists, nothing. It might be nice.
"My favorite time when driving is at night." I say. He listens.
"When I was younger, my family and I used to take these 6-8 hour drives to my grandparents. Most of the time we would leave in the morning. But occasionally, there would be times when we had to leave at about 6 or so in the evening. It was my favorite time in the whole world. No one would talk, the radio would be off. And everywhere inside the car and out was dark. All you could hear was the car, and all you could see was the lights in front of you.
"It was so peaceful, being like that. There's nothing that can compare to it, I don't think it's appreciated as much as it should be."
I stare ahead more pointedly.
"I miss it, the way the car lulls you to sleep. How everyone and everything is exactly the same."
His hand squeezes my knee in comfort and agreement. He doesn't need to talk, to tell me that I'm right. With Michael I never hadthe conversation i wanted, with Steven I don't need it.
We get to the cabin at 1 o clock. The cabin doesn't need cleaning or dusting. It's just fine, and all my stuff hasn't been moved yet. I set the bag on top of the counter and to turn to Steven.
"So, what first? Swimming or lunch."
Steven walks to the table and sits down.
"I don't do swimming." He says.
"Not yet at least. C'mon It'll be really fun."
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
I sigh, I go into my fathers room, rummage around in his drawers and come back to Steven.
I hand him my fathers trunks.
"You will go swimming with me, and we will have a blast."
He stands up.
"Jackie, I'm not going swimming with you."
I walk over to him slowly and hug him, sliding my hands up his back. I kiss his neck. I can feel him tense.
"C'mon Steven, it's be fun."
He growls slightly, and mutters "Fine."
I smirk inwardly. But kiss him on the outside.
He walks by me and smack his butt playfully, he turns around and I say "Go change and we'll eat later."
He nods. And I turn to the bathroom and put on my own suit. It's a one piece of course. It may be just Steven, but I still have my insecurities.
I put on my suit and pay my attention to the mirror. I pull my hair down and it flows to the middle of my back, recently I decided to let it grow longer than just a little past my shoulders. I grab two towels off the rack and walk out.
Steven's standing there in the middle of the room, looking quite fine. You might not be able to tell from the clothes he wears but he's got muscles. In unexpected places, his abs, are firm. No six pack, but firm. But his arms, are toned and strong. Not over muscled, just perfect.
I walk over to him and push the towel to his chest.
"Let's go." I say.
We walk on to the porch and the sun beams proudly upon us. I smile. It's October and yet here we have 85 degree weather. It's truly a miracle. I look back at Steven and wink
"Race you." I say, and I dash for the lake.
I hear Steven laugh and start to run himself, soon enough he catches up to me and grabs me by the waste. He lifts me up and I squeal, and throws me over his shoulder. He carries me to the lake.
He walks over to the pier and trudges to the end of it. He brings me down and holds me bridal style.
"You love me?" He asks.
"Yes." I agree.
"Good." He says, and throws me into the lake.
I scream and fall deep into the abyss, the water is cool, but warm in different places. It covers my body and restores my unhappiness, engulfs me in reason. I swim to the surface and place my arms upon the pier and stare up at the man I love. The man who catches me when I fall. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I push back from the pier and float.
"Come swim with me." I say.
He agrees with me by sitting down on the pier and sinking himself in, swimming over to me and grabbing me to him. And we both float, my arms around his neck, and his arms around my waist, hands on my back. I don't think we should have floated, but we did. For some unknown reason we do.
All I can do is stare into his eyes.
I detangle myself and swim to the little beach near the shore. Steven follows. Before we get out he reaches for me and tells me "Stay."
And I oblige. We stand in the water and it comes to his chest, my neck. The hands at my side float up to the surface and along his chest, and come around his back. I kiss the exposed chest and his hands come to my hair and forces me to kiss him.
A slippery kiss, but filled with passion, wet mouths colliding with wet tongues. My legs lift up and engulf him around the waist, pressing myself to him. The contact makes our breathes catch and we both breathe unsteadily into the kiss. Tongue's massage and lick any crevice that could be found.
His hands slip from my hair, down to my back, resting on the area before my butt. He pushes me to him and we have to break the kiss to catch our breathes. The passion is intensified. Water heats up the friction 10 fold. I place both of my hands on his face and kiss him once more. "I need you." I say. "I want to give myself to you."
He starts to talk but I kiss him heatedly to stop his unnecessary words. "I need you."
He breathes heavy and kisses me again. "I need you too."
He grabs my hand and we walk to the shore. I don't need to think about this, not anymore. The fact is I need him inside me, completing me, filling me. His love and his love solely will fill the empty space.
We walk back to the cabin but find it takes us longer the 2nd time around. For the 3rd time I find myself pressed to the trunk of a tree, gasping and grabbing anything I can. Maybe we need this more than I thought. We finally make it to the cabin.
I turn to Steven and kiss him gently, I pull back and his eyes are still closed. I take his hands in mine and lead him towards my room.
We walk in together and I lead him into the bathroom. I kiss him again and wrap my arms around his neck. I have to keep touching him. He separates the hair from my neck and kisses a trail from below my ear to my shoulders. Wet kisses. He slides a strap off, and another. I pull the clothing off and my skin is cold. I take a step closer and press my skin to his. We both shiver. "You're beautiful." He tells me. I kiss him hotly while undoing the strings on his trunks, he slides them down and we both stumble into the shower and turn the water to hot.
We're both pressed to the shower wall, hot beads of water dress us up in fiery passion. The kisses slide from mouth to chin to neck to shoulders. We both can't go much longer without having all of each other.
I suck on his earlobe and he breathes heavy into my neck. I tell him I need him more than ever and shut off the water.
We dry ourselves off as best as we can and fall back into my room. The window is open which lets in a lazy breeze. The breeze sends me crashing back into his embrace. We both slip under the covers and try our best to contain ourselves. His hands cup my face and kisses me lovingly. I grab at his back and spread my legs, he settles between my things.
He slides into me easily and I gasp at the feeling, entirely new. His thrusts are long and deep, sending me into frenzy. Our moans and whimpers fill the room with an intensity. He kisses me long, deep, and hard. His final thrust makes me gasp his name in orgasm, and my body rides the waves of pleasure that crashes over me, filling me, completing me. He groans my name in pleasure at his own release.
("Life is what you make it.")
It is 7:23. At least that is what the clock radio's red stare tells me. We both lie in the afterglow of our lovemaking and settle in the warmth of each others embrace. The lazy breeze is still wafting it's way through our room, gliding over our smooth skin, healing, and finally mending.
I'm settled on my lover's chest, while my left hand plays with my lover's right hand. We have both awoken from our nap, completely satisfied to lay and bask. His left hand is settled on my back, rubbing the smooth skin in a lulling manner. We can both see the sun setting over the forest from my window.
I kiss Steven's chest.
"We should get going soon." He tells me.
"We should." I agree.
He rolls us over and smiles down at me, I reach up and caress his face. I smile back up at him.
"I love you." I tell him.
He kisses me deeply and replies "I love you too."
We both dress silently and quietly, afraid to shatter the moment. Which is near impossible, if wild chimpanzees were to run through the door I don't think it would ruin the moment. We both load up the car and ride home.
Driving in the dark.
Life leaks from you fingertips
Onto sparkling pavement
Having heard the news you stubmle, stuttering, confused
Helicoptors line the sky
Marching men are rolling by
Babies in their baskets blankly stare through space
Ever since I first saw you
Standing in the black frozen night
I've been blind
But I've been driving in the dark towards you
Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight
In my eyes
Sirens sing over the streets
Chimpanzees are on tv
Everybody's working waiting for the week to end
Ever since I first saw you
Standing in the black frozen night
I've been blind
But I've been driving in the dark towards you
Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight
In my eyes
And nothing's left to hide
Ever since I first saw you
Standing in the black frozen night
I've been blind
I'm running out of time
Ever since I first saw you
Standing in the black frozen night
I've been blind
But I've been driving in the dark towards you
Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight
In my eyes
And nothing's left to hide
A/N: So this is chapter 12, the smutty love scene I think went pretty well. I hope it gets you all hot and bothered. Anyway, the beginning I think sucked but got better as the story went on. Please R and R. And I took your advice and typed faster. I think there will be either only 1 or 2 chapters left. I haven't made up my mind. The song is 'Driving In The Dark' by Saves the Day. I also want to say that Swim Trunks are not like speedos, they're like the swim suits guys wear today.