Chapter 13 (In Jackie's P.O.V)

I walked down the halls of Point Place High with my sweater pulled tight, it's a particularly nippy December day. I feel like sleeping, snuggling up into warm blankets, hot cocoa in hand in front of the fireplace. But the Pinciotti's don't have a fireplace, and I hate hot cocoa. Oh well, some cliché's don't fit all.

I walk a bit faster when I hear the cat calls and crude language from the football team. It makes me nervous, afraid of people. I feel like running away, but I don't want to look like a complete coward. I don't have anything to prove.

"Hello Jackie." I look in front of me to see who's blocking my path to freedom. The school day has ended and I feel no need to make my presence here. Amber, Gloria, and Esther all stand in front of me, clad in cheerleading glory. The glory doesn't seem so bright anymore.

Amber circles me like a vulture circling a dying animal.

"Well Jackie, It's such a shame to see you dressing like such a loser."

What? I didn't look totally unacceptable, a sweater shirt, jeans, and boots. I could do much worse, and can point out the many who do. Amber looks like she wants me to say something. I don't know what she expects me to say. A comeback? Please, that is so 'high school'.

"What's the matter retard? Going deaf? Or are you a fucking mute?" Ouch. Esther has chimed in to join in on the fun. I still have no clue what to say. I try to walk around but Gloria and Amber push me back. I fall back into the lockers, the three surround me. This time, Gloria speaks.

"Next time, stay out of our way bitch."

They turn to walk away but I find my voice.

"I wasn't in your way."

I should have stayed silent. Esther turns around, rips my books from my arms and throws them across the hall. Amber pushes me to the ground.

"You think you have a right to talk back to us you low ass scum?" Amber yells.

I want to cry, run into the bathroom and cry and kick and yell and scream. But I can't let them feel that accomplishment. So my face stays neutral for now.

Girls are evil.

Gloria and Amber lift me upward and throw me into the lockers, I find my sense and start to run but Esther knocks me down once again I feel like a human pinball machine.

I half want a teacher to stroll by to get in their car and go home. But that would cause more trouble with them. Instead I hear:

"Get the hell away from her!"

Steven.

I've never been happier to see him, he's always around to save me. Amber, Gloria, and Esther see Steven making his way over here on a rampage in an ass kicking mood and run like bunnies. I do a silent victory dance in my head.

Steven helps me stand up. I hug him in gratitude and he hugs back. He buries his face in my neck and lets out a sigh. A sigh of relief? A sigh of gratitude? One can only assume. He pulls out and rubs my arms in a means of comfort.

"Are you alright?" He asks.

"I'm a little shaken up, but no physical damage was done." I reply.

"Jackie, they were trying to beat you up, are you sure you're okay?"

I nod my head and kiss him softly "Yeah, they didn't get too far with that. Thank you by the way, you saved me again." I stated as we walked out the door.

"When was the first time?" He asks.

"When you saved me from myself."

("The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.")

The drive back to the Pinciotti's is quiet except for the hum of the radio and purr of the car.

"How come you were there at the school?" I ask leaning my head on the cool window.

"We were supposed to meet in the parking lot remember?" Steven says.

We were?

"You didn't show up. I got worried, so I went looking for you." The car shakes as we go over a bump. I take my head off the window and rub the sore spot my temple where my head hit the glass.

I turn and smile at Steven "And have I mentioned how greatly appreciative of that I am?"

Steven grins onto the road and replies "Once or twice."

I smile and turn my head back to the road. It's one of those days. We haven't gotten yet and the air smells so good. The roads are dry and grass is frozen, waiting for the snow to wet it.

I feel Steven's hand crawl onto my thigh and rub the material with his thumb. I briefly take his hand, kiss his palm, and put it back on my thigh. The movement is soothing and lulling. Like a hot bath.

We haven't made love since that warm, October day. It's not as though we don't want to. God knows I need it. But we haven't had the time nor energy to endure it. We haven't the place either. We both sleep on a cot in our best friends house due to abandonment by our parents. We don't get many opportunities to be alone.

But I have a plan of my own. December 19th is the anniversary of our first kiss. 6 months. Half a year. It's a big thing for the both of us. I've taken some money out of my bank account and rented a cabin for a weekend. Plenty of alone time. I intend to surprise him. I'm betting he'll be happy about it. I know I'm excited.

Steven pulls up to Donna's house and gives me a short goodbye kiss. And by short I mean 7 minutes long. Hey, we both have needs, needs that haven't been answered in over 2 months. We're both dying.

I grab my backpack out of the back seat and wave him goodbye.

I step inside and approach a nervous looking Donna.

"What's going on?" I ask her.

"Jackie, don't get upset.: She's worrying me now. Donna heads into the kitchen. I follow. Sitting at the table is a perplexed looking Pam, a nervous Donna, and a bewildered Bob. I freeze. Surprisingly I'm not mad. I don't usually get mad anymore. I'm just shocked and confused. But I quickly get over it and approach Bob and Donna.

"I'm not upset." I tell them. Donna relaxes a bit.

"She just showed up." answers Bob.

I nod and tell them "I'll talk to her, could you leave us alone for awhile." Bob and Donna agree. Donna hugs me before she and Bob leave.

I inhale tiredly and turn back to my 'mother'. I sit down next to her any acknowledge her.

"Pam" I say, she sighs and folds her hands in her lap.

"I wish you would call me mother or mom. It's what I am after all."

"A mother is someone who's around her daughter for more than half her life."

I hear how bitter I sound and cringe inwardly. On the outside I sigh again and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

Pam looks to me and speaks "I'm here to apologize about how I acted, how I slapped you, it's just…."

"Just what mo- Pam?" My patience is growing thin.

"Jackie, just let me explain myself, would you let me talk?"

I look to the clock and to Pam "Yeah, I'll let you talk."

Inside my head I tell her that a mother shouldn't have to explain herself. If I say it outside it'll come out more bitchy and bitter than I want it to.

"I know, that I'm not the shining example of a good mother, or a mother at all. But after 17 years of your life, I'm afraid I still don't know how to be a mother. I didn't plan on having you Jackie, I didn't. For some people it's just not in their karma to have children, some people are fit for it and some people aren't. I know that I can't entirely blame that for bad parenting, but it's all I can come up with. I want you to know that I do love Jackie. That I am proud of you. When you told me you were raped, I honestly didn't know what to think. I reacted with whatever emotion that I recognized. I want to be a part of your life Jackie, I think if you give me a chance I can be a better mother. Can you let me?"

Damn. I wasn't expecting that, I was expecting something Pam-ish. She loves me, and as much as my reason tells me not to believe it, I do. I'm hopeless.

"Yes." I answer. I don't try to take it back, not yet at least. Pam smiles widely and hugs me gently.

"But" I say. "There are some things we have to change."

Pam nods. I continue.

"If you're gong to leave, I want notice about it, and you can't be gone too long, and take too many trips. Can you do that?"

Pam nods and head say "I can Jackie."

In my mind, I count the weeks until she leaves.

("We cannot learn without pain.")

It's 9 o clock and the snow falls freely upon my face. Landing gracefully into my hair, contrasting black against white. I walk across the newly fallen snow, making a crunching sound as I walk to the Forman'.

I step into the basement and see Steven watching T.V blankly. It's a ritual of ours I suppose. At some point I come over. What we do sometimes varies. I can tell he's sleepy. We both are, it's been a long day for us all. I plop myself next to him and snuggle deep into his chest, his arm naturally wraps around me.

"How you doing?" I ask.

He sighs and rubs my arm "Okay, you?"

I stare at the wall next to Steven and reply as casually as possible.

"My mom came to visit."

I feel Steven move and look at me. He raises an eyebrow and asks in a gruff voice. "What did she want?"

Steven had always been extra bitter about her after he learned she slapped me. He had dealt with his parents abandonment but never had his share of physical abuse.

"It was okay, she had this whole speech. She told me she loved me, she's sorry and that she thinks she could do a better job at being a mother if I gave her a second chance."

Steven wrapped his arm tighter around my shoulder and said "And what did you give her?"

I bit my lip and answered "Another chance."

Steven sighed and loosened his grip.

"Jackie, take it from me, you're only screwing yourself over if you let her back into your life. She's gonna leave again."

I bury my face into his shirt and inhaled, the smell comforting "I know that" I admitted "But it was nice to hear she loved me."

Steven agreed with a low moan.

"And I'm sure I'll be just as okay as I am now and when she leaves. But hey! Maybe she'll surprise us both and stay." I say with false optimism. Steven lets out a chuckle. "Fat chance" Sleep encrusted in his voice.

"A girl can dream." I respond with drowsiness and utter exhaustion.

"Stay here with me tonight." He whispers into my ear.

My body, numb in exhaustion agrees immediately and I tell Steven "Okay."

We both get up from the couch and I lean on Steven for support as I drunkenly walk to his cot.

Steven lends me some sweats and we change as quickly as our tired bodies let us.

Steven crawls in first and I step in and place my back to him. His arms rest on my stomach and pull me closer to him, our tired bodies entangling in each other. It's how we fall asleep, and it's what feels right.

("The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak.")

As I lazily crack open my eyes I adjust to the light and look to the clock, 8:30. Uck. It's a Sunday, why am I waking up this early. Steven's hot breath on my neck lull me back into a peaceful sleep. I don't fall back asleep peacefully. I just do this sort of half sleep thing. Where I'm kind of sleeping, but I know what's going on around me. At what I assumed was an hour later I felt Steven's hand resting on my hip slide to my stomach and rub along my ribs, subconsciously I moan in my half state of sleep and sigh when his hand tucks between my rib and the mattress,

When I open my eyes once more and glance at the clock I read 11:00. Knowing full well I couldn't fall back asleep I lift my hands and rub my eyes and clear out any sand that irritates my eyes. I look over my shoulder at Steven who is still sleeping. I roll over so that Steven is on his back and I place my head on his chest, placing little kisses on his neck, and sliding my hand under his white wife beater.

Steven moans and starts to wake up. I keep my hand under his shirt but stop the kisses and prop myself on my elbow to look at him. He sighs and opens his eyes.

"Hey." He says. Mmm, his sleepy voice is very sexy. Very gruff and throaty.

"Hey yourself." I lean down and kiss him gently, sliding my kisses over his cheeks, jaw, chin, and back to his mouth. He finally starts waking up and moves his hands to my hair and deepens it. I pull out of the kiss and ask him.

"What day is it?"

He scrunches his face up and says "Uhhh, Sunday the 13th."

I lift my hands and start to run it through his hair, slightly scratching his scalp with my nails. "Alright, so listen. I'm going to tell you this now, and ahead of time so listen up. Saturday the 19th is our anniversary of our first kiss. 6 months of being together. So I planned a little surprise this weekend coming up. Don't get me anything. I don't want anything, I just need you to be free and available this whole weekend alright?"

Steven looks at me blankly and smiles slightly "Whatever you want babe."

I smile brightly and kiss him once more. "Good."

"Has it really been 6 months?" He asks.

"Yeah, kinda scary huh?"

"Yeah." He agrees.

"But in a good way right?" I ask nervously.

He smiles and chuckles and wraps his arms around me "Yeah, in a good way."

("Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.")

"And so when Jane Eyre is in the Red Room, what does she feel. What does the Red Room represent."

Mr. Yaits drones on and on about things I don't really give a shit about while I wait impatiently for the bell to ring. I have an hour left, and it's Friday the 18th. I really don't think I'm going to make it, when suddenly WHAM! An idea pops into my head.

"Mr. Yaits, can I go to the nurse?"

He looks at me and asks "Is something wrong?"

"I really don't feel well. I think I'm going to be sick."

"Alright Jackie, I'll give you a pass."

I walk a little hunched over, and hold one hand to my stomach. Those acting classes in 6th grade actually did turn out useful. I walk like this 5 steps after leaving the class and stand up straight. I reach the nurse's office and resume my previous position. I step in, it's empty. Score.

"Mrs. Borealis?"

Mrs. Borealis walks out of the nurse's stockroom and has me sit on the cot.

"What's the matter Ms. Burkhardt? Where does it hurt?"

"I just really don't feel well, my stomach is all topsy turvy and my head hurts."

"Alright" She says. She takes out the thermometer and takes my temperature

"96.2 Ms. Burkhardt, you don't have a temperature."

"I know, I'm staying with the Pinciotto's right now and Bob had the same thing I have right now last week. I feel so tired, and I can't concentrate in class."

Mrs. Borealis feels my forehead and mutters "Poor dear" and then speaks in a louder voice "Alright, is there anyone at home I can call?"

"No, but Donna drives me to school everyday."

"Alright I'll call her out of her class."

Sweet, Donna is gonna love me.

"Jackie, I love you. Faking sick to get out of class is awesome. Especially on Friday."

I smile and step into the car.

"So why'd you do it?"

"Well, I know Steven usually skips his last class, and we're going away for the weekend for our anniversary so I was just really impatient."

Donna laughs and turns on the radio "Sweet."

We pull up in the driveway and I walk over to the Forman's. The snow is about half a foot deep, not much. But it makes things slippery, I almost fall twice.

I walk into the basement and see Steven.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey." he says confusedly. He checks his watch and looks back to me.

"What are you doing here? School doesn't let out for another 45 minutes."

I walk up and kiss him quickly "I know, I just needed to get out of there so I faked sick."

Steven sighs and places both hands on my shoulders "Jackie, that was wrong of you to do. Skipping school when you have such a promising future. I completely approve."

I laugh and slap him playfully on the chest.

"Alright, so the drive is pretty long. I was thinking we could take off now. Or do you have some things to take care of?"

The last part is encased in sarcasm. It doesn't seem to me like he's doing anything important.

"Meet me at the car, I have my stuff."

"Okay."

I walk out the door and get my stuff from Donna's and wait by the Camino.