Fourteenth Century Man

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here"

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ACT 16 – ReuKnighted

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We open the next morning with Forge stuck in the stocks, surrounded by a crowd of angry Bayvillians.

"Again, I'm uncomfortable", he complains

Leech runs from the crowd and swats Forge on the head, causing more cheering.

"I feel horrible and dirty", says Leech.

Suddenly, Freddy appears going to stand next to Forge, holding a big stick.

"Leave, Freddy", sighs Forge, "Let them have me"

"God love you, Forge", says Freddy, "So do I"

"….Thanks for sharing", blinks Forge

"Go! Disperse!", shouts Todd as he hops over, "Or I will fong you!"

Wanda arrives, holding her blacksmithing hammers, taking the other side of Forge.

"You know I'll use these", she growls as Todd continues his rant.

"A Jesus Christ the Nazaree and his most holy mother the Virgin Mary ate my witnesses, I will fong you!. I will rip you fist and pain!"

Todd lets the rage take over, making various kicking and punching motions.

"Stick my fist and break you!", he shouts, "PAIN! Lots of pain!"

This only makes the crowd more angry, as Kurt bamfs in.

"We're in trouble", whispers Todd.

"Listen to me!", shouts Kurt above the din.

A lettuce appears out of nowhere, smacking Kurt in the head.

"Oh, they've opened the salad bar?", asks Forge, "…oh…sorry, wrong role" (1)

"Listen to me!", tries Kurt again, not getting anywhere.

Suddenly, three suspiciously clocked people remove their hoods, revealing Pietro, with Lucas and Bobby, who for once, isn't singing. Pietro giggles, swaying a little, running the moment.

"…What's wrong with him?", asks Hank

"He got drunk", sighed Lucas, "Damn idiot can't hold his drink"

Bye, bye, bye Delilah, sings/slurs Pietro, why, why, why Delilah! (2)

"…Oh dear", sighs Hank, "Pietro please sober up"

"I am", blinks Pietro.

"…..Ahh how I love high-speed metabolisms", smiles Hank.

The crowd fall silent, noticing Pietro as he steps up to Forge, leaning down to look at him.

"What a pair we make, huh?", he asks, "Both trying to hide who we are. Both unable to do so"

He glances over at Team Forge, still holding their weapons.

"Your men love you", says Pietro.

"Hey!", snaps Wanda, "who're you calling a man?"

Pietro winces as his twin waves a hammer in his direction.

"…I mean, your men and Wanda love you", he says, "If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough. But you should also tilt when you should withdraw"

"….There's that slash again", murmurs Hank.

Pietro squicks in Hank's direction.

"And that is knightly too", he says, "Release him"

The guards do as they're told, releasing Forge from the stocks.

"Oww, my back", groans Forge, cricking his neck.

Pietro turns to address the crowd.

"He may appear to be of humble origins", he says, "But my personal historians have discovered that he is descendent form an ancient royal line. This is my word, and as such is beyond contestation….ooooh I like that!"

The crowd mutters as Pietro walks over to Forge.

"No, if I may repay the kindness you once showed me", says Pietro, "Take a knee"

"…That might not be the best plan with all the rumours", mutters Forge, before Freddy shoves him onto one knee.

Pietro draws his sword.

"…It the way Todd Fan types it", says Hank, "she's got her mind in the gutter!"

"By the power vested in me by my father, King Magneto", says Pietro, ignoring the 'wee' from Magneto backstage, "and by all the witnesses here, I dub thee Sir Forge"

The does the sword tappy shoulder thing and the crowd cheers.

"Arise, Sir Forge", says Pietro, helping Forge up, "can you joust?"

"What?", blinks Forge, still a little stunned with the knighting and all.

"There's my tournament to finish", smiles Pietro, "Now, are you fit to compete, or shall the forfeit stand?"

"No, I'm fit", says Forge

"I shall have your opponent informed of it", smiles Pietro, "You look for his shield on the lists. At once"

Team Forge usher Forge away as the crowd cheers. We cut to the field, where Pietro goes to sit in his box, next to Tabby, his princess.

"…Why am I paired with this guy again?", whines Tabby.

Dani is also there, without Storm.

"My lords, my ladies", says Kelly, then tries to do what Kurt did, failing, "and…..all you other people. I give you the son of Phillipe de Vitry, son of Gilles of Champagne, master of the free companies…"

As he does this, Logan gets ready, checking his new lance.

"Are you sure?", he says, glancing at Viper.

"Yes", she says, "It's nothing but spun sugar and boot black"

Logan crushes the metallic-looking hand on the end of his lance, revealing it has been sharpened into a sharp point. Ooooh evil Logan!. On the other side, Forge is getting ready.

"It's a small target, Forge", says Kurt, "But aim for his heart".

Forge glances in the boxes at Dani, wondering where Storm is, Dani merely shrugs helplessly.

"I'm not her keeper", she replies.

"Count Llllllllloooooogan!", says Kelly, getting a cheer and grinning like an idiot.

"He stole my bit!", says Kurt.

Rogue waves her flag and they race at each other. Logan makes a good hit, making Forge ride back to the others, the tip of the lance stuck in his chest.

"Oww", he says.

"Oh God, I'll fetch the surgeon", says Freddy.

"Freddy, you're the surgeon now", says Forge.

"….Okay, if you say so", shrugs Freddy, pulling the lance piece out.

"Todd Fan would like to say you should never pull an object out of a wound unless it is done in the hospital by a doctor, as this will make the blood flow where the object otherwise stopped it", says Hank, "……She was a member of St.Johns, this stuff is stuck in her head"

The team look at the tipped lance head.

"He's tipped it!", growls Wanda.

"Wanda, get me back to one", winces Forge, "Back to one or we forfeit"

As Wanda leads Jott and Forge away, Kurt and Todd look at the tipped lance.

"Dirty son of a bitch!", growls Todd

Freddy hands Forge a new lance, Forge wincing, glaring at Logan from the other end of the field. Rogue waves her flag and they charge again. Forge, in pain, drops his lance, Logan smacking his lance into Forge's chest again, nearly knocking him off Jott.

"I can't breathe, I can't breathe", gasps Forge as Wanda helps him out of his chest armour.

Logan rides over and smirks.

"As I said, thatcher", he says, "In what world could you have ever beaten me?. Such a place does not exist"

"She's here, Forge", says Kurt, bamfing over, "And so is your father"

Forge glances at the box, where Storm is sitting next to Xavier.

"Change your stars", whispers Forge, then looks at Logan, "Let's dance, you and I"

"…I don't dance with other men", says Logan, riding off.

"It's two lances to none", says Freddy, "You must unhorse him or kill him. It's the only way to win"

Forge winces as Wanda finishes removing his chest armour.

"You need more padding", she says.

"No, leave it off", says Forge, "I can't breathe with it on. Lance"

"Yes?", says Lance form inside Lancitty on the other end of the field, "Oh..not me"

Todd sighs, handing Forge his lance, Forge yelping and letting go.

"God, I can barely grip it", he says, then gets a plan, "Lash it to my arm"

Todd looks like he's gone loopy.

"Todd, lash it to my arm", says Forge again, "it's my false one, anyway"

"Do as he says", sighs Freddy

Kurt notices this happening, just as Rogue is about to wave her flag. Kurt bamfs into the box quickly, giving Forge more time.

"Good people!", he shouts, "I missed my introduction!"

The crowd cheers as Rogue puts he flag down, letting him speak first.

"But please, please, I pray you, hear it now", continues Kurt, "For I vould lay rest the grace in my tongue and speak plain. Days like these are far too rare to cheapen vith heavy-handed vords. And so, I'm afraid, vithout any ado whatsoever.."

He steps past Pietro with a nod.

"Excuse me my lord", he says, then addresses the crowd, "Here he is! One of your own! Born a stone's throw form this very stadium, and here before you now, the son of Charles Thatcher, Sir Fooooorrrge Thatcher!"

Forge blinks up as the crowd cheers.

"That's you name, Forge", says Todd, "Sir Forge Thatcher. Your father heard that"

Forge glances up as a happy Xavier as Kurt smiles.

"God speed, Forge", he says.

Rogue waves he flag and in incredible slow-mo, Forge and Logan charge at each other.

"Foooooorge!", he shouts, charging at Logan, knocking him off Lancitty.

Logan has a weird moment, where he is lying down on the flat of his back, as each member of Team Forge appears above him.

"You have been weighed", says Todd

"You have been measured", says Freddy.

"And you absolutely..", says Wanda

"Have been found wanting", grins Kurt

"Welcome t the new world", chuckles Forge, "And God save you, if it is right that he should do so"

They vanish as Logan falls off Lancitty for real.

"Yes! Yes!", cheers Pietro, giving Tabby a passionate kiss.

"…..And I'm kissing him again!", whines Tabby.

"He's won!", Storm explains to blind Xavier, who's looking rather confused.

The crowd cheers, as does Team Forge, even Kelly claps for him.

"You beat him, Forge!", grins Freddy, as Forge goes over to his team.

Storm leave her box as the pair run over to one another randomly making out in the middle of the field.

"I'm gonna have to write some of this story down", says Kurt.

"The part about the prince and the knights?", asks Todd.

"No, no, no. All of it", says Kurt, "All human activity lies within the artists scope"

He looks at Todd, pausing to consider.

"Maybe not yours"

Todd looks ready to kill him, but instead settles for a rather rough strangle hold. Meanwhile, Forge and Storm are still in a lip lock.

"You guys going to break for air anytime soon?", asks Hank, "…no?...Oh..Okay then…."

After much kissing and the credits have rolled, we see Team Forge are sitting in a bar. Freddy smirks, making a loud fart. Not to be outdone, Kurt make a less loud one, but one that is long. Wanda gives an incredibly loud one. When it is Todd's turn however, he makes only a little toot.

"Your round!", they laugh.

"Bollocks", says Todd.

THE END

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(1) – Shameless plug. In Mutants in Tights, this is Forge's line when Remy gets pelted with vegetables.

(2) – Delilah, by Tom Jones. If you get a Welsh person drunk enough, eventually he/she will randomly burst into this song, often in a large group. Seriously. I've done it myself. We're an odd little people, aren't we?

We're not quite done yet! Click on for some of the movies deleted scenes also parodied, to give an even better idea for casting choices, and learn where Amanda's been hiding all this time….