AN: This is your co-author speaking (Hands over to Becsy Lexi) this is your shining moment Becca!

Reviewers get extra special choccie and homemade cookies; hugs on individual basis subject to request

Proper AN, at the bottom…

Dedication: To my beautiful precious baby Alyssa, the light of my life, may you always be happy and giggly and full of smiles (and poops if you must LOL). I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, which is why the subject of this fic feels so gut-wrenchingly close and frightening. Mummy loves you with all of her heart.

Chapter 7

It was another day, another planet, Roses' desperation with the situation grew but everything seemed determined to remain the same; this life seeming a cruel aching hollow of what it once had been.

They came to a large market place, bustling with activity as everyone went about their daily business; selling kitchen ware and food, to textiles and beautiful fabrics which held Roses' attention more than the rest. The Doctor seemed vaguely interested, but he continued to walk around as if he was in some kind of dream state and even though he was there, walking around and speaking to various sellers, Rose knew it wasn't the real him. He'd been like this everywhere they went on this planet and she didn't know how to talk to him about it all; the times she had considered it she'd lost her nerve and gone on, like him, pretending nothing was wrong, simply because it was easier that way, and much less painful. Still, she knew it couldn't go on forever, as much as she would like to pretend it was all fine, it wasn't and they needed everything out in the open.

The Doctor dutifully paid for the several dresses and armfuls of gorgeous material which she had sworn to 'do something with'; his usual flip comment about her spending and about her ever expanding wardrobe didn't come which only fuelled her worry over his emotional state further. She saw him pretending to stumble over the weight of her purchases, well at least he can do that, she mused as she took a few things from him; promising just one more stop before heading back to the TARDIS, they approached a stall which literally sparkled in the bright suns light. She hovered thoughtfully over the unusual gem stones and jewellery until the stark cry of a baby interrupted both of their thoughts.

For Rose it was coupled with an unprecedented pain, like a stab in her heart and she involuntarily held her free hand over her chest, wincing almost. She glanced at the Doctor who had a strange blank expression on his face; turned towards her, slight concern entering his features.

"Rose, you ok?" She almost nodded, not wanting to admit the reason for her pain, but then it suddenly worsened as a young woman appeared on one side of the stall coming out from the enclosed tent beyond it. She had in her arms a tiny baby, who couldn't have been more than a month old.

She stopped just next to the table, keeping herself and the baby out of the suns light.

"May I help you?" She asked, her polite tone and accent surprising Rose for some reason she couldn't quite work out. Rose glanced at the Doctor and felt her surprise rise even more, for he was smiling down at the baby and had started making silly noises at it. She however, couldn't make her feet move and she wasn't sure she wanted to get any closer; the pain was still present and she had a feeling it wouldn't get better if she were to go and take a closer look at the little babe.

"Boy or girl?" She heard him ask.

"Boy," The woman replied smiling, seemingly delighted that her baby had this deserved attention. "Would you like to hold him?" She actually aimed this question at both of them for her head moved between Rose and the Doctor, apparently not noticing Roses' discomfort or awkwardness.

"Yes." "No." Both the Doctor and Rose answered at the same time. He frowned at Rose briefly before taking the baby in his arms. The mother hadn't seemed to hear Rose which was just as well she mused, she probably already looked rude and lacking in basic manners, and, it was only the Doctor who had seemed to notice it. He was now cradling the little boy as he started to cry, carefully moving him to an upright position he gently patted his back and the newborns' cries diminished while Roses' heart twisted painfully, remembering the Doctor holding their son in such a way as he… She couldn't bear this torture any longer and promptly turned and fled, her TARDIS key feeling warm in her hand she stumbled through the crowd looking down the small side streets in her search for the blue box.

It was almost too painful to breathe and feeling she needed the security of her home, it only came more easily once she had unlocked the door and flung herself inside. There she drew breath in painful sobs which were all too familiar to her.

A few minutes later as her tears slowed, the door creaked open and she felt his presence behind her.

"Rose," The voice was full of compassion, and the feeling in it surprised her, he hadn't sounded that caring for a good while. But she couldn't shake the memory and pain of what had just happened. She had thought perhaps he would come and comfort her now, but she realised she shouldn't have been so hopeful when his form moved past her and walked towards the central pillar.

"What's the matter?" He asked, his voice again sounded caring but his actions weren't displaying any of it. This time it was anger which coursed through her, how could he not know? She stood up.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" She demanded. He turned on the spot where he had already positioned himself at the console.

Her eyes, already red, were full from more gathering tears and the rage that had obviously taken hold of her in those few short minutes took the Doctor back a little. He wore an expression of concerned confusion.

"Rose, calm down, there's nothing wrong with me I assure you!" He sounded like the Doctor, considered her in the same manner that the Doctor used but Rose was sure this could not be him, and if it was she sure as hell didn't understand what was going on with him.

"Calm down? Calm Down! How the bloody hell, am I meant to calm down when you're acting like … acting like this!" He winced at her volume, flipping women and their hormones. Well maybe that was unfair of him, but her inexplicable yelling seemed pretty insane to him at that moment.

"Rose!" He said sternly, with the vague air of a teacher reprimanding a student, he knew at once his tone had been a big mistake. Her eyes, already looking wild and furious suddenly looked ten times more threatening and he got ready for the storm he knew was coming.

"Don't you dare do that," She breathed, speaking more quietly but with the dangerous edge he had been expecting. "Don't speak to me as if I am a stupid kid!"

He didn't even bother to say he was sorry for it, which certainly didn't do anything to placate her. He had thought a direct approach was probably best, and then he would be able to do whatever it was he needed to, to put an end to this crazy shouting match Rose seemed determined to have.

"Maybe you should tell me what is wrong? What is wrong with how I am acting? I'm still the Doctor, Rose, I haven't changed, it's still me, so you'll forgive me if I think what you're saying is a bunch of old codswallop." It had obviously been meant as a joke, she thought as he tried to grin his way out of the problem they were having. He honestly seemed to have no clue that what was going on wasn't quite right. MEN! Why they had to be so emotionally stunted she didn't know, and apparently it wasn't just a male human trait, seemed to her that if the Doctor was acting like this then the rest of the universe was probably the same. What a scary thought.

"You can't do it this time Doctor, can't just give me that cheeky grin and have everything be forgotten, I can't forget and you need to realise there's a serious problem here." Her voice was slightly calmer this time, but just as serious, his grin faded and he threw up his arms in mock defeat, though it was obvious he didn't really think there was any point to this 'discussion'. He tried to keep his expression blank and neutral as he leaned against one of the pillars but he didn't quite pull it off and looked bored instead, and also mildly pissed off which irked Rose even more; if that were possible.

"You can't think this is normal behaviour?" She asked incredulously. He looked more annoyed now and didn't care if she knew it.

"Oh and what behaviour would this be?" Was he trying to be so childishly petulant, she wondered, or was he actually naturally this way and she'd just never really noticed before?

"Aarhh, do you know how childish you sound?" She asked him, then deciding this sort of questioning was not going to get anywhere, especially as she could see him becoming more and more closed off. It would be a miraculous feat considering how much he had already distanced himself from her, had it not been for the fact that this was such a crucial moment. She knew they were at a crossroads, and that they were dangerously near losing even more than they already had.

"Well your current-right-this-second behaviour isn't exactly adult or even nice," She snapped at him, unable to let that go, "but I was talking about how you were acting out there," She pointed towards the TARDIS doors and gestured so that he understood that she had meant; out at the market they had been visiting. He was now the one who looked at her with an unbelieving expression gracing his features.

"What the hell was wrong with how I was out there?" He asked in a way that clearly told her that a) he had no idea what he had done and b) that he wasn't impressed at being accused of said thing.

"You honestly don't have any clue do you?" Again this sounded very much like an accusation and he scowled.

"Well you tell me then," He retorted, she took a breath, if he really didn't realise what was going on then this was going to be so much harder.

"With that baby out there," She started saying, this time very quietly, if she was honest she didn't really want to talk about it either; to talk over any of it; but it had to be done now.

"You acted like…like…" Rose found the words harder to say the more she thought them.

"Like...?" He asked, also quietly and with a slightly softer expression, almost as if maybe he now had a sense of what direction she might have been thinking in.

"You acted like nothing had happened, has happened I mean, like our son never existed. You held that baby like everything is right with the universe when it isn't."

She almost whispered this last part, her voice getting quieter and quieter with each word that she had been so reluctant to speak. Her tears that had been unshed before were now not so shy.

She looked up and realised she hadn't wanted to say it for good reason. The Doctors face now looked frozen, all except his eyes which looked so coldly dark that she shivered slightly.

The temperature in the console room seemed to have dropped several degrees, but that could have been Roses' imagination; it was probably just the Doctor's expression that was what was cold; and his attitude and his stance. When he finally spoke it was in a clear succinct manner that made it clear the subject was not going to be discussed.

"Rose, I held that baby as a baby expects to be held and as his mother expected I hold him. I find nothing wrong with how I acted; in fact, it is how we are meant to act; life goes on doesn't it? Are we meant to be miserable gits forever? I don't think so; now come on, time for a change of scenery I think." He turned around and was at the console once again a second later, turning dials and pressing buttons as the TARDIS started to creak into life.

It was remarkable the way he had done it, it would be so easy to agree with him, give a silent assent to his unspoken need to not talk about it, to close the subject once and for all.

"So; where to now Rose, what shall we do next?" His voice was normal sounding, showing no indication of what had just happened or been said; he was clearly blocking it out completely.

She couldn't do it though, things had to be said; he needed to sort this all out, sort out what he was feeling, there was no telling what might happen if he just ignored it, pushed it away into the back of his mind. And she certainly didn't want to be on the receiving end of it when it finally did force its way out in an explosion of regressed emotions and misery laden anger.

"No."

This one word had such an immediate reaction that Rose was taken aback; for one she hadn't thought she'd said it loud enough for him to hear; her nerves were now failing her when she needed even more courage. It was a strange sensation, but she was almost afraid of the Doctor now, not a pleasant feeling, she knew it was his reaction she was not looking forward to, but did that really amount to fearing him? She reasoned it probably didn't but it didn't make this moment any less tension filled.

"No?"

"No." She confirmed, he turned once again but had not managed to mask his emotions from his face this time. He looked thoroughly pissed off.

"Then you wish to go home do you? That can be arranged." It sounded almost like a threat, and she knew it was meant to. He had probably meant it to shock her from going any further into this dangerous territory.

"You know I don't, we have to talk about this."

"I think you will find that we DON'T in fact have to talk about anything," His tone was clipped and left no doubt as to his wish to keep well away from discussing this subject. Well that was just tough.

"Gawd, how can you be like this? I just don't get it, it's mad, you're mad, I just don't understand." She sounded fairly hysterical now, they both knew it, and also knew there would be no going back from this point. She stood there muttering to herself in a very distracted and irate way which was obviously enough to spark a little concern in the Doctor.

"Rose," He said softly, moving towards her and in much more of a normal Doctor kind of way that she looked up, hopeful that he might be finally ready to talk; looking back she knew she shouldn't have got her hopes up. It had been pointless.

"Please just tell me, why are you being like this?"

"Like this? Rose this is madness, what was wrong with holding that baby? I've already said…"

"It isn't just about that!" Her voice burst out, like a lion that had finally been freed after long captivity. Things were surely going to run away with them; it was well beyond control now.

"This is about what you've been like ever since we left earth, after…after…" Unable to complete her words she chanced a look at him; and immediately wished she hadn't for there stood the Doctor with the same cold dark haunting expression he had worn just a short time ago. She wondered for moment what the hell she was thinking; why couldn't she just leave it alone like he had wanted, hell, like she had wanted if she were honest. But no, she had to go and push it, but not only had she pushed him to a place where he obviously hadn't wanted to go, she had pulled herself along with him and not for the first time she wondered whether she really belonged here with him.

The ice that gripped her heart was shatteringly painful; life without him was too horrible to imagine, and yet, she didn't see how they were going to move forward if they didn't get these things out in the open.

"Say it." His voice echoed grimly around the console room and she almost thought probably the whole TARDIS, which was eerily silent.

His tone was horribly dead sounding.

She shook her head, unable to say what he knew she had been going to.

"Say. It." Hard, cold, empty, that's what she heard in those two short words, and they sliced into her, she couldn't hold up any kind of strong resistance, she, at least, knew when enough was enough. She wasn't strong enough for this and knew she hadn't been strong enough for this shit from the start; from when her poor baby had been taken from her; from them.

Any tiny resolve she had had, now failed her, and she was half pleased, maybe it would show him just how far this had gone, how much she didn't want to do this.

But when she looked up there was no change in his demeanour, if anything he looked harder, and she registered with some shock that it scared her. The Doctor scared her, and she realised, she had never felt more disturbed, or alone.

"No," She said, her voice shaking slightly but still clear.

"Rose." His voice was now sounding, if it were actually possible, more dangerous. She meanwhile, had reached the end of her rope with this.

"Dylan." She said quietly, "DYLAN!" She yelled at him.

"You've been acting like everything's fine, everything's normal, and it wasn't just that baby out there, it's everything, all the bloody time. Things aren't bloody normal ok? It will never be ok that he is gone, but you're acting like he never existed and that's an insult to him!" She took a steadying breath hoping it would help.

"There's nothing wrong with showing emotion, showing sadness, showing…complete and utter devastation. I feel like I'm dealing with this on my own cos you are so closed off from it, and from me."

All the time she had been speaking a change had come over the Doctor. His eyes, so blank and cold a few moments before were now blazing with a white hot fire and his face, so empty, was now contorting with anger.

"Don't you think I know that it isn't okay? You think I don't feel anything about my dead son just because I don't cry myself to sleep every night? You really think I don't feel…just because, because I don't tell you?"

The reaction that his words wrought was just as he had intended, or so she assumed. It was like daggers attacking her heart; hurt, plain and simple, direct and horribly effective. She couldn't find the words to reply, choked instead on the sick feeling that was making its way through her.

"Go on then." He taunted, "Go on and tell me how much it hurts, how you feel about your dead baby?"

How could he do this? She didn't understand and then she did at the same time. He was lashing out at her.

She felt exhausted; but knew they were no where near finished.

"Well?" He asked nastily, his face now looking a strange and cruel combination of anger and crazed manic and ill-disguised misery.

"I can't," Her voice came out, cracking. "It's, can't…how can you put into words, the pain…I can't alright, how can you do this?" She cried, holding her hands shakily over her heart and sinking to the floor.

"I thought as much, you can't begin to imagine what it's like." This got her attention all right.

"Why? Is it because it's so much worse for the almighty Doctor; because you're so much better than us humans?"

"Yeah that's right."

"If I'm so stupid why the hell did you bring me along with you?"

"I have no idea, was beginning to wonder that myself; I should have just kept going when you said no the first time."

"Don't you do that; you're just avoiding the issue here."

"Am I? And you being the stupid little ape you are, worked this out all by yourself, well done, give yourself a gold star." She narrowed her eyes.

"Can't you quit being such a pompous, arrogant self important arsehole just for once? The universe does NOT revolve around YOU!"

"Oh and you think you're important then?"

"That ain't what I said…"

"A stupid little human who can't even carry a baby to full term; to grow a child properly, go on try to deny it!"

These words hit Rose like a sledgehammer ripping across her guts, like a thousand pieces of glass tearing through her.

And in spite of the almost blinding pain he had inflicted she managed to summon enough energy and will to stand and go with her gut reaction.

She slapped him; hard.

"Bastard," It was a fitting reaction, though not nearly bad enough to convey the hurt he had caused her. And the pain of knowing he blamed her in the same way she had blamed herself, for weeks she had been thinking she'd done something wrong during her pregnancy. "You couldn't save him though could you? For all your superior species and technology you couldn't bloody save him you horrible useless alien."

She simply didn't care what he was doing now, he had gone too far, she'd known it would probably happen and it had. She didn't see how they could go back now.

So she elected to make things that little bit worse, the burning anger would not release her.

"Bloody useless you are, you couldn't save him and you couldn't save any of them either; your planet. No you destroyed them like you've destroyed us, all of us." She shook in continued rage.

"Why ever did I lower myself to your level? Aarhh that's right, it was alcohol wasn't it? One stupid drunken night that started all this. Must have been off my head to be with you in the first place - a Time Lord and a human, ridiculous! Never work, I'm too good and you're just, too human."

His breath seemed to have finally escaped him after his rant and the air around them was no longer silent as the TARDIS grumbled in its workings. The atmosphere was now sickening as the force of their anger lessened calmed slightly.

Rose couldn't think; everything she had ever worried about regarding the Doctor and herself and Dylan had been thrown at her as accusation of her part in all this mess. Her mind now felt utterly lifeless and all she felt was this pain that started in her head and spread to every bit of her body.

All she wanted was to escape from him and this space; she turned and fled out of the TARDIS doors. Not paying any attention to the faint 'Rose' called after her, and not caring either. She was instantly grateful this time, that the TARDIS had a mind of her own, as she'd just run out into the precinct of those familiar flats and didn't stop running until she had got up those stairs, into the flat and was in her mothers comforting arms.

-0-0-

He saw her eyes mist over with tears again and again. Something jolted him from his half aware enraged madness and he looked into those eyes. She turned and ran out of the doors, away from him, his feeble call of 'Rose,' dying on his lips, knowing it was a futile effort.

He realised, too late of course, what he had done. The pain erupting from his soul had simply been too much to bear and he at aimed it at the nearest and easier target; a painful yet satisfying outlet. How he could have done it he didn't know; all he knew was that everything was gone, broken and hollow. He felt empty, and curling himself up on the console floor he dearly wished to have the power to put it all right again; the power the Time Lords had claimed to wield, but it was all for nothing, there was nothing he could do.

There was no other sound within the TARDIS, except for the broken sobs of an alien who had truly lost everything.

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AN:

Smego Baggins: Heart-breaking, eh? (Hands out chocolate, tissues, hugs and Doctor pluhies 'to bash against the wall' and then runs). First time I read it I jumped up and swore loudly at him, yelling at her to 'SLAP THE PRICK!' Mum calmed me down. See? Even authors get caught up in their fics!

Now it's 'Misery Avenue' for our two people (and I also mean the characters) for the next chapter. Should Rose forgive him?

Chocolate won't save THIS relationship!

Becsy Lexi: ducks as readers fling all sorts of crap at her HEY! Okay, you think I'm a bitch now huh? I'm sorry, but it had to be done. I'm not even sure where all that stuff came from, it just appeared on the page and felt like it fit. It all needed to come out and well, there you have it, what a mess! Lol and as my esteemed co-writer says, more misery for our favourite two I'm afraid. Not pretty or nice but much more real this way. I hope you will keep reading AND reviewing! Hang in there with us, even though it's a bit of a long tunnel, there is some hope…I don't think we're THAT horrible as to have them be miserable gits forever!

Becsy Lexi and Smego Baggins