AN: Well, it's updated, and it's a doozey people! Over 7,000 words. So please leave a review for the lovely Becsy Lexi for again writing this chapter, putting up with my whining and not killing me from my annoyance every night.
Dedication: For Maurine, the greatest neighbour that any person could ever wish for, you were always there for us, from the FANTASTIC biscuits to our last meeting only a few months ago, and that we only learnt of your passing 3 days ago, I'm sorry I never said goodbye … but we'll meet again, won't we?
20th March 1953 – March 9th 2005
Loved always.
Chapter 9
Rose had so many questions running around in her head they were dizzying. What had he been doing? Where had he been? Why did he go? And then, why was he back, was he back for…her? Her heart did a little flip and she smiled slightly, feeling more like herself than she had for a long time. She'd been so disconnected. This whole thing seemed to have shaken her awake. She was still furious with the Doctor, and wasn't ready to talk to him yet either, but she knew she wanted to and most importantly that she didn't want him to leave her; not ever.
He'd come to the door apparently, she hadn't heard him, she'd been talking to Mickey about something on telly; they weren't going out again, but it was good to have a mate around. Shirreen had been here too, though her mum was still not letting her have a night out. Rose had chuckled to herself, like Jackie would be able to stop her if she actually wanted to go.
Rose was generally so anxious that some things remained the same despite her apparent improvement; she didn't eat much, not feeling hungry, and found she was now sleeping less; her mind too active to shut down properly. No answers for the questions she posed over and over. She felt such contradicting emotions it was hard to know where to begin making sense of them. She was in turns incredibly angry and then hugely relieved because he might have pissed off (according to her mum literally which was another worrying matter on her mind), but he'd also come back, not without putting her through four terrible days she couldn't bear to think about but back he had come none the less.
At one point she wondered why he hadn't left her some kind of note, you know, something along the lines of… 'Am swanning off for a bit to wallow and get monumentally pissed off my head, don't worry, coming back…' It made her so mad, but then her anger was coupled with such relief that it softened and gave her enough perspective to know that there was some hope; he hadn't abandoned her like she had feared. She wanted to change things, make up with him for lack of a better term. Things couldn't go on like this, but she knew what she wanted now. The Doctor was what she couldn't live without; because all this was wrong, felt so wrong to her that she almost couldn't breathe.
She knew how they had got here, relived the pain of everything that had happened every second of every hour.
Dylan; who would never grow to smile at his parents, never say 'mama' or 'dada', never learn to walk or play, or run through the TARDIS corridors as she shifted allowing them to catch up to him a little quicker.
No…that beautiful image faded…
Their little boy; the pain of loosing him was numbing; would probably always be a partially open wound refusing to heal completely. And that was the way it was; because loosing him would never be alright and he would always remain a part of them.
She knew they had been wrong. The words they had said should never have been spoken but were made to be forced upon one another as their anguish took form and was unleashed as it became too much to hold inside. There had been no other way, no one else to rip apart. No one else truly understood this pain but them. Her mother and friends might be sympathetic and sad, terribly sad, but not one of them could know.
Everything that had happened since then had only made everything worse, the only positive thing now was that the Doctor's little disappearing act seemed to have woken her up in a way, where there had been shock and pain, there was still the pain, but at least now she knew what was needed, she knew she needed him. But that alone didn't make things right. And now she was actually 'awake' to what had happened, her thoughts continued to dwell on the devastation of it all, in specific, heart-braking minute detail.
And that's how it had come to this; lying awake in bed in the flat. Still feeling like she had been torn into pieces and still wasn't sure how she was going to pick them up. She had thought that after Dylan, it couldn't have got any worse. And then they had done this to each other. He had said those things to her.
Rose felt bereft. Felt her separation from the Doctor as something more than physical, wherever he was, probably the TARDIS, not more than 500 yards from the flats entrance, he could not have been more far away. The things he'd said; she'd said; a thousand hopes and dreams shattered with a few words. Wishing to take them back the second they had been spat from her lips hadn't helped her.
He was the only one who could help; understand her now and she the same with him.
She had often wondered what it was like to be so madly out of control in love with someone. Now she knew, saw the power it held; and had her heart been broken by the same power, by him and by her own words as well.
Dylan, who would never laugh; he was not meant to be.
She wanted so desperately for them to have a different fate.
Rose knew she couldn't stay here, and wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. Her mind was too full. Sitting up she slipped on her trainers having not even bothered to get undressed, and made her way quietly out of the flat. Her mum's TV was on in her room, and she'd probably heard her leave; but Rose couldn't stay. Had to move, had to walk, for the sake of doing something.
It was hopeless really though, she thought as she walked past the TARDIS on the corner, pausing briefly to run her hand across the wooden blue exterior. The door un-clicked and opened slightly as her hand rested on it, but she pulled back; not able to bring herself to go in.
She turned back towards the flats, deciding to go somewhere high rather than the park she had thought about. It would only have made her feel worse; imagining Dylan on the swings, on the roundabout…playing tag with some other kids.
Feeling like she was on the edge of a very deep pit and like little was holding her back from it, she climbed the stairwell to the roof. She had no intention of jumping off it, just wanted to feel the cool air on her face, and look out on the top of London at night.
All she'd wanted was to be happy, to be with them both.
And now all she wanted was the Doctor was it too much to ask for?
She turned round on her rooftop position, and came to stop looking down at a certain blue box.
They needed each other, it wasn't going to be too late, they'd been through too much, something was gonna have to give, she didn't care if was her move. Somehow this would be righted.
Her breath caught as she thought she heard a small clicking sound and her heart started racing as she saw the distant door of the TARDIS open so far below her and the Doctor's familiar silhouette appearing from within. It was hard to tell how he looked from so far away, though his whole stance looked completely defeated even from her viewpoint; he turned and locked the door before walking in the other direction, the way Rose had been headed before she'd changed her mind.
She imagined she could hear her heart thumping rapidly and silently prayed that he would not leave her; it was the terrifying fear she had been harbouring for days, weeks really; that wasn't any wonder considering he really had left for those four days, which had so devastated her. She could not imagine life without him, the idea left her feeling so empty and desolate that she had been eating even less from the worry of it, and was fast becoming truly a shadow of her former self; but without him it didn't matter, even with her renewed resolve she was slipping. She knew her mum was still worrying like mad, and she'd tried to tell her not too but the words wouldn't come, because she couldn't lie to her this time.
-0-0-
The Doctor had walked a little distance now and she was about to lose sight of him, never before had she wanted to run to him, to tell him she was sorry, that she loved him more than he would ever know. Even loved him so much she would try to forget the tortuous last few months.
He was about to turn a corner and be lost to her, perhaps only for now, but he stopped just short of it. And was now standing still, not looking like he was doing anything except staring into space. What was he doing? Was he alright?
He turned then and suddenly looked upwards toward where she was looking down to him. It surprised her so much she took a tiny step backwards. He stood there for what seemed like forever, just looking upwards; she realised he must be able to see her and it only made her more anxious. After a time he began walking back the way he had come and she knew he was coming to her. There was no other explanation that currently made sense. All at once she wished she had done something with herself today, tonight, but she'd had no point to and hadn't cared until now; no matter, the feeling quickly faded when she was overcome with a desperate fear again, her worry about her appearance slipped from her conscious thought as her mind was taken over with a sickening anxiety. What was going to happen now?
-0-0-
The Doctor strode towards the block of flats, not really focusing on what he would say to Rose, he just knew he would talk to her. He felt like it was now or never, at least, that he had an opportunity to 'corner' her. He grimaced at this word, he didn't want to appear aggressive; he just desperately wanted them to start communicating again. It was going to be horribly difficult and strained but it had to be done. There was simply no living without her. Unfortunately he feared that Rose would probably see this as being 'cornered' and be, understandably he supposed, uncooperative. In fact, he knew she had seen him coming this way, and she'd most likely guessed his intention to go up to her; she could run, though not go very far. At least on the roof there would be no avoiding him he thought grimly.
This made him quicken his pace, getting to the flats door, and gaining access using his sonic screwdriver he started bounding up the stairs three at a time, until another thought stopped him dead.
What was he going to say?
He'd rehearsed so many things over the last few weeks, of what he might say to her as it had become so painfully obvious that he could not go on without her, but had disregarded each one with an increasing sense of fear. How was he going to tell her anything after what he had said and done to her? Once again a familiar veil of gloom settled over him and he just stood there, unable to move forwards, and unable to go back; stuck in a strange in between where his head and his heart, his fear and his longing did battle again.
-0-0-
It was bloody freezing on the roof in the middle of the night. That was what Rose had suddenly realised when it became obvious the Doctor wasn't going to appear up there. She'd seen him twenty minutes ago heading in this direction, and she'd been so sure that his looking up at her had meant he was coming. But it didn't take twenty minutes to get up those stairs and through that door, especially with the way the Doctor took stairs.
She had spent the time hovering between too many worries to count and simple relief that there was going to be a place to start, she'd so wanted to talk to him again, take his hand, hell even just be in his presence. But her trust in him had been severely damaged and this had continually held her back from going to him.
The Doctor was shaken out of his thoughts when something in his head just clicked; he would go and talk to Rose, because that is what was needed right now, he needed to go and see if there was any hope left, anything worth fighting for; he knew the answer already, he just hoped Rose saw it that way.
-0-0-
Rose had almost given up the Doctor for having changed his mind; or that he'd never been heading up to her in the first place when she heard the door to the roof creak a little. What the hell was she going to do now, the phrase, nowhere to run; nowhere to hide came to mind. But then she supposed it was probably better if it was the Doctor and not some psycho out for a midnight stroll.
She could hear him walking towards her and she continued to stare straight ahead, frantically trying to pull her thoughts together; which was difficult considering they were rapidly falling to pieces simply because she was near him for the first time in months.
The sound of footsteps stopped, yet it took another minute for Rose to turn around.
There was no noise.
When she finally looked at him she almost felt like she could have fallen into his arms and cried her heart out. She felt that long absent feeling that only he created in her heart, which was swiftly replaced with a stab of concern. He looked bloody awful. He looked to be having less sleep nowadays if his eyes and drawn face were any indication. And she could make out a faint line of cuts on his neck and yellowing skin on a cheek and his eye which had probably been one hell of a set of bruises.
She didn't know where to look; even in the state he was in she desperately looked him over, taking him all in, wanting to make up for all that time.
Make up.
Well, that was a point, they were meant to make up, right? She honestly didn't know.
Neither seemed able to speak, they stood there, staring at the other, no smiles, just staring, like they might never get the chance again.
There was a gulf between them now, it spanned 92 days from the fight, it extended between their son dying and this moment, and the Doctor, being melodramatic and feeling sorry for himself, almost felt like it crossed between the strands of time itself.
And then there was the chasm he'd created to add to all of that, when he'd buggered off across half the galaxy, leaving Rose alone, thinking he'd left her. It had been 13 days since. He winced visibly as he thought of it, how could he make amends when it was so obvious things were beyond repair.
This little piece of depressing contemplation made him want to run and hide, it seemed too hard. He looked sideways, not able to maintain eye contact with Rose, he shuffled his feet too; Rose.
His Rose; being so near her after so long meant everything and then nothing, because it would only mean something if it meant something to her. What was anything, without her?
He was worried about her; she looked as though she'd stopped eating, and like that wasn't bad enough, it obviously wasn't the only thing she'd stopped caring about. She basically appeared as if she'd stopped caring what she looked like. Both major concerns for him, in fact, the more he thought about it, the more alarmed he became. Rose looked like she'd given up.
He knew he didn't look much better, but things are so much easier to spot and be worried over in someone else than they are in yourself, especially if you are him and the only person who had bothered was Rose; was being the operative word.
He sighed and turned slightly, looking out across the night lights of London. But Rose misinterpreted it as leaving.
"Don't go." She said quietly, her voice cracked and sounded shaky, he turned back to her wishing he could step forward and wipe away the tear that was running down her face.
"Oh Rose," The Doctor thought aloud, this couldn't be impossible, yet he saw the hurt and pain she felt, and he was reeling. He'd known she was in pain, but seeing it was a different matter and he felt suddenly more desperate.
"I'm not going anywhere Rose." She looked up at that,
"You're not?" Her voice still sounded slightly hoarse, as though from little use. That wasn't like her either.
"No, I'm staying." He felt like he could punch the air when he saw the tiny expression that Rose wore for a few seconds, a small smile, unless he'd imagined it. Then he tried to tell his stupid over analytical subconscious to clear off, it wasn't helping.
Rose felt something lift from her, feeling the relief his slight reassurance had made. They stood silent again for a minute or so, trying to get comfortable in the others presence again. It would be a while before that happened.
"I…" She began to say but stalled at the look in his eyes, was that… well it looked like longing and her heart both soared and ached at the sight.
"I'm not sure where to start." This time he spoke, sounding like a lost little boy, that look made her want to take him in her arms, forgive him everything that had happened, be forgiven and never look back. But all she did was smile a little, not quite able to translate those particular thoughts into actions.
"Me neither…" His face fell, highlighting the slightly purple contours of his cheek, "But… I…" She stalled again but was spurred on by an increasing tingle in her stomach, the feeling she had when she was with the Doctor, something she hadn't felt for a long time, not since Dylan's birth. "I missed you."
The Doctor couldn't help but produce a faint grin, nothing like the megawatt smiles of old, but a flicker of that, it didn't quite meet his eyes though. He took a breath, feelings and emotions were never his strong point, and certainly not when they were under discussion, but he needed to face them, if there was to be a way of getting Rose back he needed to be above all open with her.
"I missed you too, more than you will ever know."
"You did." She didn't make it sound like a question, but there was enough of one in her expression for him to want to confirm it.
"Yes."
She was surprised, but he obviously meant it, she knew it was hard for him to voice what he was feeling and felt buoyed by the fact that he was making the effort, and that he felt this was worth making the effort. What exactly he thought was worth the effort she didn't know, was it her, was it simply the need to appease a guilty conscience, Rose couldn't help thinking that she was the reason why here.
They both sighed heavily, caught the others look, smiled realising they were mirror images of tension and laughed out loud in a nervous self-conscious kind of way. They stood another half a minute again, nothing said. The awkwardness in the air felt wrong, a tangible element of their separation.
"I..." The Doctor started saying, Rose furrowed her brows in silent question. He looked nervous and edgy again. "I'm sorry Rose, I'm so sorry." He sighed, feeling so very tired but fractionally better for having said it. Her expression was unreadable; worrying aspect number one. Her eyes looked coldly over to him, not a good sign.
"…for what?" Rose's question sliced through the air like a blade, her words tinged with an ice that went to break him. She wasn't asking what he'd done that he was sorry for; they both knew how much he had to be sorry about, she wanted to hear him say it; and mean it.
"…for everything." He replied, in one of the most serious tones he could muster. She was making this harder, he had even expected that, but it still hurt; he knew he deserved it and determined to do what had to be done.
"You're sorry?" She asked quietly, not able to rein in the contempt in her voice; she hadn't meant to be like this. He would think she was being awkward but hearing those words, however much he meant them, did something to her. It seemed such a ridiculously inadequate word for all the pain he'd caused.
He almost flinched at her words and the obvious effect they had had on her.
She laughed, actually laughed; though it sounded humourless and hollow to him, the sound alone broke his heart again, or would have done, had that been possible.
She shook her head, a grim smile gracing her once happy features. But that was a long time ago, and the smile like the laugh that had preceded it did not reach her eyes; an obvious mockery of what once was, and how she regarded him in this moment. Something made more obvious when she spoke.
"You're sorry? Sorry? What exactly does that mean Doctor?" Her words and tone tore at him, he did know he deserved this, he just wasn't sure he could take it long enough to attempt some semblance of an apology, explanation, even at this point he didn't know what exactly.
"Sorry, sorry for ignoring me? Sorry for shutting me out? Sorry for telling me that I was to blame for our sons' death or for breaking my heart? Or maybe you're sorry for going off and leaving me alone here. Go ahead Doctor, tell me you're sorry." She shook her head again, but it didn't help halt the tears, or hide her distress. "I thought I could handle this, but, seeing you, it just…"
The Doctor cringed inwardly at such a stark reminder and wasn't sure what to do; a familiar experience recently. The situation suddenly appeared to have gone from holding some small hope, to having slim to none, and that seemed optimistic. He sighed, almost defeated again, but still not sure what action to take.
"Rose." She looked back at him again, such a direct piercing gaze, almost like she'd been so caught up in her thoughts she had forgotten he was there. It seemed a little strange and illogical, but then he considered none of what had happened was normal or reasonable.
"Yeah…?"
"What are we doing?"
She looked utterly lost. "I don't know."
"But you don't want me to go?" She really looked at him at that moment, strangely seeing him clearly again now.
The Doctor's heart lifted a little at the sign of a real and somewhat recognizable ghost of a smile on Rose's face.
"No, don't go, don't leave me." She said as her quiet voice cracked slightly in unbidden sadness.
"I wouldn't leave you Rose, you know that…"
"Yeah," she interrupted harshly, "…like how you didn't leave me for four days, me thinking you'd gone for good, just abandoned me, you've no idea…" She trailed off, trying not to relive the memory of the event. It was still too painful.
"I've a fair idea Rose, it wasn't exactly a fun time for me, I wasn't off enjoying myself, and I am so sorry for it, I wasn't exactly, in my right mind."
Her face softened slightly in an automatic concern, and her worry of what he'd been doing to himself, replaced her self-involved reflection and then smiled a slightly cheeky smile as she felt something else that'd been automatic once seem to come back into her. And just felt the easiness of it, the way it moved about her.
"You have a right mind?" He grinned a little in return, sensing the well-known repartee that used to exist between them.
"Oi!"
She closed her eyes, sighing briefly before opening them again. She wanted that easiness back, the echoes were still there, but she wanted the real thing.
Rose knew she wasn't making much sense; she was here one minute and over there the next. The truth was she was feeling very conflicted. Here was the man who had broken her heart, there was no getting away from that, he'd put her through a personal hell, yet he was the Doctor, the only man she'd ever truly loved, and continued to love despite everything that had passed between them. She still loved him, it was simple, or could be, she didn't want there to be another option.
The Doctor sensed this conflict and understood.
"It's difficult yes?"
"Yeah, I'm feeling, I dunno, is hard to describe."
"I know."
"Do you?" But she regretted these words when she really looked him over in the following seconds; everything from the shadows under his eyes, the way his jacket looked more overlarge than usual, the faint bruises she could just make out in the scarce night time light. "I guess so." She concluded quietly.
He didn't need to nod and confirm this; he breathed the cold air in deeply, wishing he could just hold her, he would do anything to set things right but right now all he needed was Rose in his arms; if only for a minute.
"I wish…" She started, looking skyward, like she was imagining she could see the stars, closing her eyes then opening them, hesitating as she sought the right words, oh to hell with it.
"Why does it have to be this hard? I just want it all to be better again, how it was before, only I know we can't go back. I want to move forward, move on, we can't stay this way; I can't do it." She looked back at him again then.
"You can't want it either, both of us are fucking miserable, you look like hell," she gestured a bit madly with her hands, towards him and then herself, "I know I look like shit, I just haven't cared about it, or anything, but I want to. And I want us…" Here she seemed to stumble, and did not go on straightaway.
"You want us..?" He tried to prompt her, almost willing her to say what he was most desperate to hear. His expression must have given him away; months of constant depression seemed to have exhausted his ability to effectively construct the mask that he used to keep his true feelings hidden. She smiled gently, coming to a decision, looking him directly in his eyes.
"That's all." She stated softly, his eyes widened imperceptibly, urging her to give him the affirmation that he sought. "I just want us." She said, her voice shaking with emotion as she put her emphasis on the last word, eyes now shiny and bright again. She hated being in such a mess, thinking it made her seem weak. But then she reasoned that anyone in her place who didn't feel completely overwhelmed would also be a complete weirdo.
He seemed almost frozen to the spot, staring at Rose with such intensity that her heart immediately started thumping in her throat at twice the rate.
"You want us?" He spoke; hesitating in the exact way she had, and inflecting emphasis on 'us'.
"Yes." She replied softly, smiling slightly feeling a light shiver run through her at the fleeting idea of what 'us' meant.
It was all the incentive he needed, taking the several feet that lay between them in a few strides, he deftly wrapped himself around her small frame in one swift movement; letting out a breath when he felt Rose return his embrace after a slight hesitation. Savouring how amazing it was to just hold her again, he knew it didn't solve their problems, but right now, it was simply remarkable enough to just be what it was.
His eyes widened as he felt Rose's arms tighten her hold around him, burying her head in his chest.
She had almost been shocked when he had stridden towards her so suddenly and enveloped her in his arms. Rose had been surprised enough though and it had taken her a moment to react, but it didn't need any great decision, this was where she belonged. Her arms holding on and then tighter when she remembered how it felt to be so close to him. It was a beautiful rhythm, two hearts sounding into her ear. She tried to block out everything else, all the issues they had, and tried not to worry on how much less of him there was to embrace.
The Doctor was in a relative heaven compared to the past few months. But when he heard and felt Rose quietly sobbing into him his own emotion similarly overcame him and a few involuntary tears slipped down his cheeks.
"Oh Rose." He said quietly into her hair. The clung to each other for a long time, like they were the only two people left in the universe. They desperately held on to the other as if in fear that this would end too soon, or that the other would disappear.
The Doctor knew this couldn't last forever, but when Rose started to pull away slightly and their eyes locked once again he couldn't stop himself from leaning in, both moving as if time as slowed for them. Their lips meeting gently, a soft brushing as they moved together, tentative touches, light, caresses, gentle, hesitant and cautious and, magic.
He didn't want to be parted from her blessed skin, but knowing that it couldn't last didn't make it any less crushing when he felt her pull back. He sighed, this time almost happy as their foreheads rested together. His mind was awash with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings just whizzing round his head with no real logic or reason going on. It was quite hard to process anything at that moment in such close proximity to her. But there was enough clarity to recognise Rose's next words.
They stood there together, forehead on forehead, simply breathing in the others presence, for minutes, longer maybe. It was hard to tell exactly, even for him. Eventually Rose said what she was both reluctant and determined to say. Her mind slightly overwhelmed at the recent and startling assault on her senses.
It was indescribably amazing to feel, and feel so much. It was so easy to fall into each other, but this wasn't the end, even as she wanted it to be healed with this simple kiss it couldn't be. Too much had happened and she suspected the rest that was to come wouldn't be anywhere near as easy. She gathered herself and took a deep breath, knowing he had tensed slightly and obviously sensed something was coming.
"We will have to talk." She put it plainly, for the statement it was. He sighed.
"I know." He said, resigned though he didn't sound annoyed, it was just an accepted fact, hanging in the air, an invisible but perceptible feeling marking the continued gulf between them.
It was difficult to summon the energy, or courage, to move from their present state in time. Moving would disturb the fragile newness that existed in this moment. They parted slowly, reluctantly, not quite able to look away from the other.
They stood apart, but closer this time, the Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets, nervous, as Rose went back to her mind full of worries.
She was the first to speak; something had to fill the nervous atmosphere between them.
"So…" Was all she could manage, she just let it hang in the air, not knowing what to say once again. She smiled a little as his trademark grin appeared, still slightly less brilliant than it had once been but it was still him.
"So…" He imitated also not sure what he was meant to do now, so he coughed, and looked uncomfortable. "We have to talk then?"
"Yeah, but, soon, maybe tomorrow, we'll see yeah?" He nodded opening his arms to her again, in silent request, understanding the unspoken peace that had been offered. There wasn't any need to push things. And since he suspected that talking things through was not going to be fun, he almost had no wish to end this liaison on the rooftop. Rose snuggled into his arms, both of them learning how to relax with each other again. It was a kind of healing just by itself. They stepped apart once more, a strange awkwardness in the air again. Rose couldn't quite meet his eyes.
She shivered, once again aware of the temperature and her poor state of dress for night time in the winter. The Doctor noticed this and shrugged off his jacket handing it to her. She smiled as she slipped it over her shoulders; it hung off her far too much for his liking but he managed to bite his tongue. Deciding that she wasn't comfortable enough with him yet for a personal comment like that. Then again they'd almost been snogging a minute ago so maybe it wasn't without reason to take the liberty and say something about the worrying amount of weight she'd lost. Deciding against it once again he wasn't quite sure what to say, so that's what he said.
"I'm not sure what, well; I do know what to say, just…" She looked at him expectantly. "Don't laugh." She made an expression of confusion then understanding and made a silent 'O'.
"I won't, I'm not sure why I did." She said almost sounding apologetic.
"Yes you do."
"Well okay, yeah I do, I just, when you said it, it just seemed so, inadequate and everything is still so…" She struggled to find the word to complete her train of thought.
"Raw?"
"Yeah." He looked into her eyes then, almost like he saw beyond them into her soul.
"I'm sorry." He said before looking away,
"So am I." Hearing this, his head shot back up to look at her, taken aback, but then he smiled, her face was open, truthful, like she meant it; it wasn't an empty phrase. This might actually work if they were both equal in this; equally wanting it and equally communicating.
A minute more went by, in slightly eased silence.
"So," she started, deciding to go for a less painful topic of conversation.
"Where did you get the bruises?" He looked mildly amused, quite chuffed that she had noticed the embarrassing marks, but discussing that was not a conversation he wanted to have at that present minute.
"Are you eating anything at the moment?" Her expression went from slightly peeved to giving him a withering glare.
"Been in a fight?" He smirked; it looked like she wasn't going to let it go.
"Going to answer my question?" He shot back.
"I asked first."
Another second went by.
"Fair enough, yeah I was in a fight." He had the grace to look a bit ashamed. She frowned; fighting was fairly out of character for him.
"Were you drunk?" She asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes."
She nodded, not really needing to know the details right now, but she would be finding out. If he had been feeling as bad as she had, and let's face it he had looked like it, then drinking wasn't wholly surprising. It was one of those places she could have gone to too, but while his grief had obviously taken on an active type of symptom, actively drinking, hers had gone the other way and she'd done nothing, she'd stopped caring.
"Right and you then..?" He asked, leaving her to work out what he meant.
"Hmm…?" She replied, feigning puzzlement.
"Rose, you aren't eating." She shrugged a little.
"I'm fine." He gave her a look that clearly said 'I don't believe you, give me some credit.'
She glared back with a 'Got a problem?' type look and he resolved to let her have her way and leave it for now. He would make sure they discussed it when they 'talked', adding it to the list of things he did not want to talk about but knew they had to. He dearly hoped that this possible chance for them would be enough to nudge her into a pattern of living that wasn't quite so self-destructive.
Rose had to admit to feeling better. There was a little less worry to bear and having him back in her life was enough.
She must have shifted a little stiffly because he too realised the time and freezing air and that it was probably a good idea to get off the roof before pneumonia became an additional problem.
"Time to go perhaps..?" She nodded, still shivering despite the jacket draped around her.
"Would you, walk me down?" He nodded realising she meant walking her down to the flat, which was to be expected. He couldn't expect her to want to go back to the TARDIS with him, not this soon; though he still desperately wanted her too. He held out his hand, she stared at it, a mixture of surprise and happiness bubbling up in place of the unease of before. She grasped it and their fingers locked, both sets of eyes on them, enjoying the feeling, marvelling at the action; symbolic of them coming together, connected. He gave her hand a squeeze and a smile, basking in the moment as she was.
He walked her home, a walk such as it was, no talking, it was enough to be there, side by side, fingers locked together as they made their way.
He stopped himself asking her to come home to the TARDIS, it was too soon, but when she made a move to take off his jacket he objected.
"No," she looked confused for a second before he carried on, "give it to me tomorrow, okay?"
She smiled. "Okay."
She agreed, appearing to understand his need to continue this truce between them which was somewhat represented by the jacket. He was also determined for there to be evidence of tonight, otherwise it would be too easy to pretend this hadn't happened and they could slip back to their respective misery again. He worried it would be too easy to do.
But, he didn't ask her to come home, to ease the lonely empty feeling that pervaded throughout the TARDIS. He wanted her close, under the same 'roof', that was why when it came to saying goodbye, he had some reluctance.
They stood across the threshold, just being still, their hands still holding tightly; a link bridging the gap between them, they both watched this connection, not quite able to let go.
"Night then." She said quietly, reluctant.
"Night…" He echoed, as unenthusiastic as her.
"Okay,"
"Okay,"
"You know, at some point one of us has to let go." Rose stated, still not doing so and unable to encourage him to let go either.
"I don't want to." He replied truthfully.
She gripped his hand more in response, "I'm not going to disappear." She said almost whispering it. He smiled but it didn't disguise the real fear that lay behind it.
"Yeah." He accepted, not sounding at all convincing.
"Well," She started saying, he looked unnerved before she continued, "Just as long as you promise not to as well." She looked up at him in earnest, and he felt relieved, then looked around, thinking.
"You could, um, sleep on the sofa." She bit her lip, a little nervous and not at all sure she'd done the right thing, but she wanted to keep feeling this closeness and he seemed as reluctant to leave as she was to let him go. He grinned, bright but not a daft smile, a happy one.
She gave him some pillows and a duvet before turning to go to her room, she turned back.
"Night." She said, leaning forward to kiss his cheek, impulse taking over. He smiled, as they're faces hovered close and wasn't able to stop himself before he was pressing his lips on hers. Soft, and nervous but purposeful, it didn't last long, but long enough for Rose to have closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment, in some ways more than she wanted to.
"Night." He murmured as she slipped away down the short hall.
The Doctor didn't get much sleep, but it was more than the usual, even with their midnight meeting on the roof. His mind was a whir with a thousand different things, and the restlessness took over; which was how he found himself sitting outside the door to Rose's room. There was no way he was going in, or even peeking, as much as he would love to watch her sleep he realised that it was too much of an invasion. But he wanted to stay there, leaning his head against the door, content for now to simply listen to her breathe. It was like a piece of heaven alone in that moment, listening to a music that she created in him. This was enough for right now, he was here, they were talking again, and he was so close to her he could hear slight snoring, though that could have been Jackie asleep across the hall; which was a fairly disturbing thought.
When he eventually dragged himself back to the sofa for the remainder of the early morning, he mused that he'd never been so glad in his life to be doing domestic, and well, you couldn't get much more domestic than sleeping on a sofa while trying to patch things up with a girl, then he chuckled slightly when he realised Jackie was going to get one hell of a shock when she awoke.
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AN: Well you fellow people almost didn't get this chapter. people gasp The ENTIRE phone lines in our street decide to quite their jobs and blink out of existence, but thanks to a certain pushy teenager who has a 'priority first' on her line in case of a medical emergency, it was fixed by 4:30pm. grins I knew I was special.
Anyway, am off to write the next chapter, and will leave you folks to the lovely Becsy Lexi.
Once again, thank you for all the reviews they really do make my day and I'm sure they make Smeggy's too!gives out choccies cos I'm just that nice ;)
I'm not actually very confident about this chapter, having done loads of revisions of it I've got gradually more worried with each one so please let us know what you think! Will love you forever! It was well overdue for updating so sorry it took us a while, I've been away (to sunny old Wales lol) and without my laptop so I was totally adrift! He, he. So there was much typing up and re-writing on my return! Anyway, back to the chapter, oh yes, I hope it communicates how difficult and awkward all this is for the Doctor and Rose, they've been through so much and we didn't want them to fall straight back into each other, we didn't want them to forgive each other too easily. I tried to put myself in that uncomfortable atmosphere and this was where it took me. So let us know if it works? Probably be more of the same awkwardness in the next chapter, and some difficult conversations to be had, but try not to worry, we're on the home stretch now my friends…well maybe. (I know we're cruel ha ha!)
Thanks again my pretties, be seeing you ;)
both bounce off into the next chapter