Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Tolkien, full stop. Except for the Great Author in the Sky, so make that a comma. Anyway, she's ONLY appearing in THIS chapter, I SWEAR IT!

And Nimpath belongs to/is thelampcow.

WARNING: CONTAINS VERY OOC CHARACTERS! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR. OH, AND SWEARING. AND DON'T FORGET BROKEN CAPS LOCK BUTTONS. THIS IS ALSO MOVIEVERSE.

Also, review if you want, but if you're considering flaming – go away, I write for my own enjoyment and not for yours. So why do I put it up on a public site? Because other people might want to read it. If I wrote for other people's enjoyment then I wouldn't write tasteless parodies. :) Mmkay? Good, thanks. :)

Sauron cackled evilly. Well, as much as an eyeball on fire could cackle, anyway. Eyeballs don't have mouths. So he mentally cackled. (He? Eyeballs don't… oh, wait, that's why they're called eyeballs.)

He had ordered One Mental Bombshell from the Great Author in the Sky. Hell, she had a shiny typewriter. Nimpath loved it, and was obsessed with it. Who's Nimpath, you ask? Ahh, you know who you are. Don't worry, you'll appear in volume two, since Haldir's in it… wait, Haldir's in this one. Scratch that. You'll appear later.

Now, what was this bombshell meant to do? Well, to make a short story long, the Great Eye had miraculously found a time machine, which was invisible, and, while he was collapsing in ROTK, he had travelled back in time. Didn't you wonder what the explosion was? That was him farting in the chamber. I had no idea eyeballs could fart. Anyway, the bombshell was going to turn everything except for him Upside Down, because then crazy, drooling Frodo would get REALLY addicted to the Ring, ditto Sam.

But, Sauron missed the loophole – if EVERYTHING except for him turned Upside Down, then that meant his minions would be just as dumb, and therefore be just as good a chance for Frodo to win.

Bugger.

The next morning the eyeball set fire to a couple of flying trees (the ents had had a party the night before), and then the GAITS (Great Author in the Sky) arrived there at precisely ten am, an hour late, on her puffy white cloud with her Shiny Typewriter™.

'Authors never arrive late!' The GAITS snapped. 'And neither are they early! They arrive PRECISELY when they mean to!'

Since Sauron couldn't speak (he was an eyeball, for crying out loud), he communicated telepathically. But since many people had closed minds (the GAITS being one of them), he used Palantirs. The GAITS's Palantir was purple and decorated with gold stars.

'Oh, shut up,' snapped the GAITS. 'I so did not steal that quote! Anyway, the bombshell is ready to be dropped, where shall I drop it? … Council of Elrond's in session already? Holy crap! I'd better be… tomorrow, you mean? It's in session TOMORROW? Ooooh! Is it therapy for drunk hobbits, like Alchoholics Anonymous, or even that fangirl one which some person with a stick up her ass runs, that Razor Butterfly person? There aren't any fangirls in Middle Earth, you say? By Eru, there will be after the bomb… huh? Oh, my brother had exactly the same problem! And then his pet toad – '

The narrator whacked the GAITS on the head.

'Oops!' the GAITS shook her head. The narrator was invisible, you see, so the GAITS just thought that Mt Doom was pissed at her again. It was always like this after breakups. 'Well, Sauron, I'd better go. May you rest in… wait, you're not dead? Meh. Whatever. See you later.'

So, the GAITS flew away on her puffy white cloud with her Shiny Typewriter™.

How did you like? Review if you want, (I'm not asking) but remember my thing with flamers. Trust me, you don't want to get whacked on the head with the GAITS's Shiny Typewriter™.