This chapter is dedicated to Sarah and Klnolan. Thanks for letting me know what you think!
NINE
"I still don't think it's a good idea, Shawn."
"You and me both."
Tom watched his nephew slipping on different shirts, trying to find one that reasonably fit his taller frame. "Here's another."
Shawn took the pale yellow shirt, so familiar that his fingers clenched over the fabric. His eyes grew misty, sucking in his lower lip.
"You don't make the scene like your cousin did, but the color suits you."
"Uncle Tommy. I can't wear this."
"I don't need Joe sneering at you over a plate of spaghetti with your shirt sleeves half way up your elbow."
"Only a little short in the wrist." Shawn laughed, the sound choked.
"Put it on. I mean it."
"Okay." The vulnerable faced returnee stood in front of the mirror, straightening his collar. "Not bad."
"Not bad at all." Tom swatted his nephew on the shoulder. "Come on, we're going to be late."
Studying his young nephew, Baldwin noted the way Shawn had turned into a man. Or was trying so hard to do so.
On the sidewalk, several groups of teens straggled past, linked arms and noisy in the evening light. Baldwin chuckled to himself as Shawn moved through a small cluster of girls, apparently unaware of their admiring glances. If Susan's son planned on sticking around, 4400 or not, his uncle would have to lay down a few ground rules.
"What?" Shawn hesitated at the door, studying Baldwin across the roof.
"Nothing."
The returnee looked blank, watching his uncle curiously. "What's so funny?"
Tom shook his head. "Just get in the car, Shawn."
"Dibs on the radio."
"Fair enough." Tom swung out into the street, alternating his gaze between the rearview mirror and his passenger's face. The little wrinkle in his nephew's forehead reminded him of Susan. The way he concentrated on one thing, fiercely intent on finding the perfect solution. History exam, song, flowers for his mom. Everything had to be just right. Another inherited trait.
"Here's one."
"The Cars." Baldwin shrugged his shoulders. "Could be worse."
"They're great."
"Little old school for you?"
"Uncle Tommy, they're a classic."
The streets flashed past, trees and kids tumbling off bikes, couples with grocery bags and dreamy smiles. It was that kind of day, with a sinking sun and balmy air that made one want to dance.
"If things get out of hand, stand up and walk away." Tom's voice came out of the music induced silence.
Shawn nodded.
"Is that clear? I want to hear you on this one."
"I get it."
"Good. Remember, this is for your mother."
"I know."
"Let's go."
X
Shawn unfolded his tall frame, tugging the back of his shirt down. The air had suddenly taken on a hot and heavy quality, leaving his heartbeat fast and erratic. It looked the same. Everything about the house, save the flowers and little shrubs along the side were taller. There was the window leading to his bedroom, and his car-his car was parked along the curb. Swallowing bitterness, wondering who's it was now.
"Are you coming?"
Each step seemed to be pulling him back, toward the past. History that had ached since his return, but scared him at the same time. Shawn was about to confront the last of his past, and that alone made his step falter.
It was hard to keep his eyes on one thing. Shawn found his gaze darting rapidly, trying to spot Danny. Uncle Tommy was at the door, and he looked like a fool, straggling behind. Shawn stopped, unable to face them just yet. He couldn't do this, he needed more time. It was one thing to return home, caught up in happy emotions. Quite another, visiting a family that had been his. Once. Oh, hello. I used to leave here. I'm not really welcome, and is this Colin who is basically replacing me and yes, I'd like more peas.
"Shawn!"
The wind tugged at borrowed clothing, rearranging the returnee's hair. It stung his eyes, or at least that's what he pretended.
"Shawn, come on!"
If he kept right on walking, he'd be out of sight in a moment. They couldn't even see him through the curtained windows.
Uncle Tommy was going to be mad.
Sometimes you just had to forget about what everyone else wanted. With each stride, Shawn's breath became easier. He didn't have to confront his substitute. Colin. His step father. Susan's hopeful smile that things could return to normal. Couldn't she see that was never going to happen?
The desire to crush something became uppermost in his mind.
"Slow down."
Surprise surprise, Uncle Tommy. Shawn steeled himself, trying to wipe the emotion from his face and almost succeeding.
"If you needed a moment, why didn't you just tell me?"
"I don't-I don't need anything." From anyone. Snapping twigs.
"Stop walking."
Shawn brushed the hold aside, raising his hands. "Leave me alone."
"No. No." Tom was breathing heavily. "I'm not just going to leave you alone. You have to face things, Shawn. Turning your back never made anything go away."
"I can't deal with this right now."
"Oh. So what. You going to run away, jump off a bridge? Be my guest."
Shawn's back was to the brilliant sunset, his face unreadable. "You don't understand."
"I know. No one does. But believe me, there's a lot of people in the same boat. You have to go back."
The returnee studied his fingers."Who's going to make me?"
"You are." Tom sighed, matching his stride to Shawn's. "Listen. I've seen what you've been going through, since all this started.I know it hasn't been easy. Part of it has been me, because I'm too pig headed to forgive you for letting Kyle drink that night. For being on the beach. For the coma, and everything else that wasn't even your fault. But if you could get past being abducted by who knows what, quarantine, arrests, NTAC, TV spots and newspaper headlines- you can definitely ace this."
"It's not that simple." Pain leaked out of that voice, indismissable.
"No, it's not. Because there's a mother and a brother back there who love you. And if you deserve that, if you think you can take any of that and hang onto it-it's time to turn around."
The brown eyed returnee stared at the sidewalk. Little ants, bustling about, shades of black, red and chocolate.
Baldwin fixed his attention on the sighing trees, lavender tinted sky framing Shawn in a vast portrait. Waited.
"When I step into that house, everything I've held onto for so long will be gone."
"I know."
Perhaps he did. After all, Kyle's and Linda's absence must have changed the Baldwin Home. Shawn bent his head, trying to come to terms with himself.
"It's your future." And Baldwin started back, not sparing his nephew a second glanced. But he was holding his breath.
"Uncle Tommy-" Shawn's frustrated expression had melted, leaving a lost, vulnerable light in his eyes. The returnee bit his lip.
"I'll be right there." Answering the unspoken question. "All the way."
Shawn touched his uncle's arm in a rare gesture of affection, visibly bracing himself. Tom couldn't help wondering how an evening of Gifford would affect the fragile emotional construction of the 4400.
"You left your mom's roses in the car."
X
"There, now isn't this nice?" Susan couldn't help beaming over the steaming platters of food. She had outdone herself with all of Shawn's favorite dishes-fried chicken, lasagna, potato bake, apple pie-and peas.
Fading daylight streamed into the room, dust motes dancing in the yellow light. Shawn was seated across from her, strategically situated so that his parent could soak up every bit of his visit. The evening sun bathed the returnee's features with a golden cast, harshly illuminating the sleepless nights, but strangely softening.
"This is really great." Tom enthusiastically buttered hot rolls, reaching for a drumstick.
"Try finishing what's on your plate before you take seconds," his sister playfully admonished.
"It's been so long since I had a real sit-down dinner. Aside from eating out."
"What about you, Shawn?"
"Huh?" The returnee looked stressed, the planes of his face taut. "Oh, the food? It's great, mom. It really is."
"You haven't touched a thing."
Tom butted in with his usual lack of tact. "You didn't finish your breakfast, did you?"
"I had an entire pizza for lunch." Dryly.
"Well, no pie till you finish your vegetables." Susan could hardly take her gaze off the returnee, even for a moment.
Shawn fingered his sleeve. "You made peas."
"I remembered."
Tom looked blank. "Am I missing something?"
"It's the pea story." Shawn almost smiled, his expression relaxing at the memory.
"Why don't you try them, Shawn." Susan took advantage of the lapse in her son's withdrawn manner. "Just the way you like them."
"Yes. They do look the same." The returnee took a bite, laughing through the mouthful.
"You boys nearly killed me that day."
"It wasn't all my fault."
"But you were the oldest."
"Danny-" Shawn's voice dropped off. "Danny was the one who started it."
"For a change."
Shawn ate a moment, in silence. The green vegetables were fresh, lightly fried in butter and seasoned with marjoram. It was a peculiar recipe, but it had stuck with the family ever since he'd invented it one evening. Years ago...and Danny had ended up having a 'who can fit more peas into their nose' contest which went slightly awry. He didn't even know what had possessed them to try cooking, it wasn't like they were old enough to be fooling around with the stove. Much.
"I remember. I was sick and you two decided to take over for me. Breakfast in bed."
"All it did was send you to the emergency room." Shawn ruefully took a sip of water. "And Danny was freaking out the whole way. Hanging out the window-"
Tom gestured with his fork. "Why were you cooking peas for breakfast?"
Shawn blinked. "I like peas," he offered, helplessly.
"I've gotten that, trust me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You and Kyle? Painting his room pea green?"
"Aw, come on, Uncle Tommy. That was like ten years ago-"
The room fell silent. To the returnee,it only seemed like ten years...instead of thirteen.
Shawn cleared his throat. The lasagna was good. Susan never skimped on the sauce, melted cottage cheese stringing from his fork with each bite. Now that he'd tasted it, Shawn could hardly believe how good it was. He had almost forgotten.
"Who drinks coffee for dinner on a hot day?" Susan, making conversation.
"A man who relies on caffeine instead of sleep." Tom finished a third piece of chicken and sighed. "We really have to do this more often."
"Maybe next time I'll make a coffee cake."
Shawn ducked his head lower, purposely avoiding the adult scrutiny. Ever since he'd taken a step inside, the room had assaulted him with memories. And there was no need to brace himself for a reunion after all. Joe had gone with Danny and Colin to the movies. He couldn't help wondering how Susan had engineered that.
"Anyone else up for ice cream?" Baldwin left the table, purposely giving his sister some time alone with the returnee.
"You look nice." Susan studied her son over a slice of pie. He did, the pale yellow shirt unbuttoned at the throat, contrasting nicely with his dark eyes. Eyes as wide and expressive as his father's.
"You do too, mom." Thinking she really did.
Susan rested her elbows on the table top."In a way, losing you was like losing the last piece of your father. All the good memories that I held onto-I guess they were wrapped up in you."
Shawn laid his knife aside, studiously chewing.
"Danny's hot tempered. That reminds me of your father, too."
"Did he know I was coming?"
Now it was Susan's turn to study her plate. "Well, it's for the best. Right now, any ways."
"He knew?" Trying to keep the distress out of his voice.
"You have to understand him, Shawn. He wants to see you, but Joe-well, Joe's been pressuring him, and Danny wants approval so badly."
"I get it."
"Are you going to eat some pie?"
"I won't even be able to walk out of here."
"No, that'll be after ice cream. Guess what kind?"
Shawn studied the ceiling. "H-m-m. Mint chocolate chip?"
"I'm impressed."
"As you should be." Shawn motioned his mother to stay seated, heading for the kitchen. "I'll find Uncle Tommy." Pausing to wrap an arm about her shoulders. Shawn leaned down, planting a rare kiss on her cheek.
Susan responded, ignoring the huskiness in her son's voice. "You inherited that taste from your mother."