What if one day the whole Inuyasha cast is being forced to film a fairy tale?

"Snow White & the Seven Dwarves" belongs to the Grimm Brothers (even though they are dead).

Inuyasha et al belongs to Takahashi Rumiko (even though she is nowhere near dead).

Any commercial products that you see here do not belong to me, of course. ;p

Note: This studio/stage is currently set in my bedroom, which is somewhere near the Equator with wonky air-conditioning...

"Recently, there was-"

"CUT"

Everyone turned around and stared at Naraku, who was pushing his sunglasses up his oily nose, "It's 'A long, long time ago', not 'Recently'! Kaede, could you please read your script carefully! Please wear your glasses and don't tell me you don't need them!"

Kaede flinched a little and adjusted the eye-patch, "I've only got one good eye... it's a waste to wear glasses..."

"READY!" His voice boomed as never before, inwardly cursing Pseudomonas for giving him the worst job: Director.

"A long, long time ago, there was this Princess by the name of Higurashi-"

"CUT!"

The script-book landed on the ground before Kaede with a loud thud. The frightened old lady gathered her wits and tried to smile, "Hai hai! I'll wear my glasses now."

Naraku sent another evil glare to the narrator and rubbed his oily, oily forehead, "If not I'll suffocate you with my miasma!"

Kaede gulped and nodded her head. "A long, long time ago, there was this Princess by the name of Snow White. She was a ravishing, exceptional beauty with skin so fair that it shone under the sun and moon, thus the name 'Snow White'. She had lips as red as blood and hair as black as the midnight skies."

Fog from solid carbon dioxide was fanned out to the stage and Kagome tried to chase imaginary butterflies around in a dark blue dress with too much white lace; it was entirely too long for her. A deep, red hair band was strapped onto her head with many hairpins underneath because her head was too small for it. One twirl, two twirls and-

"AHHH!"

"Baka!" Naraku's red eyes shone like rubies as he glared through the induced fog; Kagome was lying in a heap and one of her heels was broken.

"Child! Are you alright?" Kaede chucked her script-book in Naraku's general direction and dashed forward to help Kagome up. Inuyasha deserted his camera-man position and growled at Naraku. The Director rubbed his right ear gingerly and shouted, "What the fuck were you doing!"

Kagome wished that she had her bow and arrows with her, instead of being stuck inside this uncomfortable costume with a corset and 3-inch high heels because she was too short. She opened her mouth, with all intentions to scold Naraku but thought otherwise. Afterall, she was being paid well by Pseudomonas and 'Snow White' was a leading role, which meant that all attention would be on her, not Kikyou. "I'll try again," Kagome gritted her teeth and imagined her hamaya flying straight for Naraku's heart.

"Snow White's evil stepmother was very jealous of Snow White's beauty, for she sought to be the prettiest woman in her kingdom."

Kikyou looked into the small round mirror that was hanging in the air on its own wistfully, "Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is fairest of us all?"

Kanna popped her face out from her mirror, her face and eyes expressionless, "Snow White..." Kikyou's black eyes widened as never before, and she stared at Kanna, "How can that be! I will always be No. 1 in Inuyasha's heart!"

Naraku yelled, "CUT! Kikyou, stick to your LINES!"

The undead miko balled her fists and hissed, "Aa aa!"

"Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is fairest of us all?" Kikyou repeated, feeling a little defeated and helpless. I'll get you Pseudomonas! Kanna replied as usual, "Snow White..."

"How can that be!" Kikyou feigned shock and narrowed her eyes; perhaps she would purify Kanna later too, along with that damned author. "I must kill her! I must drag her down to Hell with me! I'm better than her!"

"CUT!" Naraku sighed inwardly to himself; it would seem to him that they would take a longer time in filming this cursed fairytale than in hunting him down. He at least had fun in hiding away from them, whereas this was pure torture.

"Kikyou! Don't make me kill you with my bare hands!" The wound on Kikyou's shoulder re-opened a little at his anger, and she winced.

"Ah ah!" The undead miko pinned a venomous glare at the Director and added him to her purifying list, along with everyone else other than Inuyasha.

"Thus, the evil stepmother sought out ways to kill Snow White, in order to be the prettiest lady."

The solid carbon dioxide was quickly transported away by Naraku's lesser youkai, and Kikyou, all dressed in a black, flowing gown walked out to the stage gracefully.

"My Queen," Kouga knelt down on knee and fought hard not to laugh; both from Kikyou's pissed-off expression and from the tickling sensation that he had to hide his tail by tucking it in between his legs.

Kikyou sent a disdainful look at the wolf and dropped a bag of gold onto his head. "I want you to bring Snow White into the deepest part of the forest and kill her."

Kouga snorted lightly but continued with his acting; Pseudomonas had promised him that he would be able to hug Kagome once this film was completed. "My Queen!"

"Bring her heart, er, feet to me once the task is accomplished," Kikyou turned around and made sure that her gown slapped Kouga's face. The wolf grimaced at her graveyard-scent and bowed his head, "As you wish, bitch, er, Queen!" Kouga picked up the bag of gold and whistled happily to himself, inwardly smirking at the private moments he could have with Kagome. Naraku instantly wrapped his tentacles around Kouga's neck from his Director's seat and shouted, "You fuckwit! You are not supposed to whistle!"

Inuyasha grinned and folded his arms while Sesshoumaru continued to sleep with his legs propped on Jaken's head.

Kouga thought that he would die from happiness as he guided his, er, steed forward into the stage. Kagome shifted uncomfortable on Ah-Un, and wondered why the audience would be okay with a two-headed 'horse'. Not to mention that it smelled too nice too, since she suspected that Rin had used up her entire bottle of Clairol's Herbal Essence shampoo on the beast. Kagome lamented inwardly at that wasted bottle of floral-scented shampoo and decided to switch to Pantene for her glorious, luxurious looking hair. A girl has to take care of her tresses, no matter what that idiotic Yura had said about her hair.

"Kagome, my woman!"

Ah snorted, Un grunted, while Kagome sent a hidden kick to Kouga's neck beneath her long gown and whispered, "Snow White! And I'm not your woman!"

Kouga winced at the pain and nodded his head; he never knew that Kagome had such strong kicks and the forbidden image of her too-long legs wrapped around his waist came to his mind. "My Snow White!"

Inuyasha leapt out with his face and doggy-ears all red as he took out Tessaiga and aimed it at the wolf, "Kaze no Kizu!"

"NO!" Kagome yelled while Ah-Un flew up, away from that disastrous attack.

Everyone cried, because the smoke and dust got into their eyes, and Naraku's mouth twitched as he took a good look at the stage that they had so carefully and painstakingly set up. Half of the roof collapsed, from Ah-Un's frantic escapade, and the left portion of the wooden stage was utterly decimated from Inuyasha's mindless attack. He could hear Kagome's cries from afar and suspected that he would need Kagura to bring her back. If only he had the Shikon no Tama in his hands, he would make sure that both the wolf and the inu-hanyou would die a death more terrible than they could ever imagine in their entire lives.

Naraku pulled both Kouga and Inuyasha apart with his tentacles and bellowed, "Repeat this and I'll suffocate you with my miasma retards!"

"Houjou!"

The lanky boy hurried out, with a baseball cap set over his head and a cheerful smile on his face. Naraku glared at him over his sunglasses, "What the fuck are you doing with that carton of vitamin D drinks! Set up the bloody stage within an hour!"

In the toilet behind the stage, Sesshoumaru locked himself in and started to wash his hair and scrub his scalp vigorously with Kagome's bottle of Clairol Herbal Essence shampoo.

"My Princess!" Kouga tried to look at Kagome with both eyes, even though his right one was now bruised.

Kagome smoothed out her messy hair and smiled as sweetly as possible even though she was seething inside, "Yes?" Kouga knelt down on both knees and let go of Ah-Un's leash, "The Queen has asked me to kill you."

She stifled a gasp and clasped her hand to her heart, "Oh why would Mother do that?" He looked up, eyes tearing from the pain that Inuyasha had previously kicked in his groin, "Because you are prettier than the Queen! But I do not have the heart to kill you at all my Snow, er, Princess!"

Kagome squeezed her eyes and wished that the Eye-Mo Kaede had dripped into her eyes would work, "Oh no! What should I do now?"

Kouga felt his heart tighten a little at her crystalline-like tears, even though he knew that they were fake. But still, it was Kagome sitting and looking dainty on Ah-Un, and she was so beautiful to him. He looked lovingly at Kagome for a while and said seriously, "You need not to worry Snow White. I will protect you because you are my woman!"

In which the yells of the Inuyasha, Kagome, Kaede and Houjou could be heard, again.

"You son of a bastard!"

"OSUWARI!"

"Inuyasha no!"

"Higurashi!"

Naraku closed his eyes and shouted, "Pseudomonas! I'll get you for this!"

Sesshoumaru rinsed the floral-scented shampoo off and flicked his pretty, pretty, silver hair up and around, flicking droplets of cold water across the tiled walls of the toilet. "AAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Clairol's Herbal Essence!"

Kagome adjusted the hair band on her head and cursed Pseudomonas for making her wear that. She could feel the hairpins sticking into her ears and scalp and they itched to no end. She smacked her lips, hoping that the blood-red lipstick she borrowed from Jakotsu wouldn't smudge. Did he say it was Estee Lauder? Or Stila? Maybe Shiseido? Kagome mused to herself and walked around the stage in circles, pretending to pick up the strewn flowers that Rin had stolen from the neighbor's garden with the help of Houjou.

She lifted her right hand up, and tried to raise her left leg up, "Is it a hut that I see over there?"

Kaede continued instantly, "And thus, Snow White found a mysterious hut that was no taller than herself. She was tired from all the traveling in the forest and the bag of food that Kou, er, the hunter had given her was running out. Snow White had to bend to get into the hut."

Kagome frowned; the wooden hut was indeed low and the insides were shabbily painted. She mentally noted to herself that she would have to remind Houjou to do a better job and not spend his time thinking of what kind of herbs and vitamins would strengthen her health.

"Yikes!" Kagome gave a half-hearted yelp and smashed her head against the creaking roof when Rin poked her head out from the cardboard bed that Houjou had spent the last night painting. They were not supposed to appear until she was asleep! But Rin was too excited to act, and she had waited very, very long for this scene.

"Kago-"

There was a light, but discernible cough from Sesshoumaru.

"Snow White!" Rin smiled happily at Kagome and the miko returned the smile.

"You are..." Kagome rubbed the bump that was now growing on her head.

Rin dragged Jaken out from the beds, while Shippou, Kohaku and Hakudoushi scrambled out one by one.

"We are the seven dwarves!" Rin smiled widely and placed her hands behind her back.

A drop of perspiration slid down her forehead, "Ano... there are only five of you..."

Before Shippou could interject, Rin answered, "Oh Sesshoumaru-sama says there are only five!"

"The other two were eaten by Naraku," Hakudoushi smirked.

"CUT!"

Sesshoumaru found another bottle of shampoo in Kagome's yellow backpack. "Pantene..."

Kagome stretched her neck a little; the high collar of her costume was prickly, and she felt as if a million ants were crawling all over her body. Damn this costume! Pseudomonas can't fucking sew at all! Does she even know that I am bustier than her? D-CUP you know!

"Ah... so what is your name?" Kagome looked at the incredulous costumes that the 'dwarves' were huddled in and bit her lip in order not to laugh out loud. Why the fuck were there rabbit ears on top of their heads! Perhaps Parsnip likes rabbits... Of course, Rin took the opportunity to introduce everyone, "Rin is Happy! Jaken-sama is Grumpy!"

Shippou stepped lightly on Rin's furry feet and shoved her to the back, "I am Sneezy." AH-CHOOOO!

Kohaku lowered his head, "I am... Bashful I think.."

Hakudoushi folded his arms and yawned, "I am Sleepy. See my slit-like eyes."

Perspiration dampened Kagome's bangs as she tried to laugh it off, "Ah ha ha ha! I see I see... so this is your hut!"

"You wench! Of course this is our hut!" Jaken yelled, to which a stone was promptly lodged in the folds of his forehead.

Kagome arched her eyebrows; Where did Sesshoumaru get those stones in the studio? Did he steal them from the neighbor's garden too?

"CUT!" Naraku never knew that he could get a headache. He would have to threaten the kids. In the toilet of course.

Naraku leaned back on his Director's chair, "One, Two, Three!"

"Snow White Princess! Do you want Rin, er, Happy to cook meals for you?" Rin flashed her brilliant, toothy smile.

Kagome patted her head, ignoring the flowers that she had stuck into her messy head and replied, "It's okay! I can cook for you! Grumpy! Get that pan for me. No not that one! The non-stick Teflon one!"

Jaken trotted slowly to her while he blasted some fire from his Nintoujou at the wood that Houjou had chopped from the tree that grew in the neighbor's garden.

"Let me help you!" Shippou sneezed into Kagome's face. Hushed laughter from the crew could be heard.

"Its alright, please give me some food to cook..." Kagome wiped the germs-tainted saliva off her face and thought that perhaps she should switch roles with Kikyou. At least all she had to do was to look pretty in that black dress.

Hakudoushi dropped a beating heart onto Kagome's outstretched pan and smirked, "Food."

Kagome felt a little dizzy at the pulsing deep-red organ, and nauseous too. "This... this is..."

"Naraku's heart," Hakudoushi grinned, while Kohaku's eyes gleamed.

"Hakudoushi you fucking bastard!" Naraku yowled.

Everyone made a lunge for his heart, except for Sesshoumaru who had once again locked himself up in the toilet. A half-full bottle of Pantene shampoo, coated with pristine white bubbles was standing in the sink.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is fairest of us all?" Kikyou asked.

Kanna popped her ghostly head out and whispered hauntingly, "Snow White..."

"But that cannot be! I have already killed her!" Kikyou took a dramatic step back.

Kanna continued, "She is not dead... she is living with five dwarves in Inuyasha's forest..."

Kikyou narrowed her eyes and with a huff, she stormed off-stage.

"The evil step-mother of Snow White decided to devise another way to kill Snow white..." Kaede chanted while Miroku fanned her. The air-conditioning was not working well at all; perhaps Pseudomonas had forgotten to pay her electricity bills.

Kikyou re-appeared, with an apple that was half-red and half-green in her hands, courtesy of Houjou again. She lifted the apple up in her right hand and imagined that she was surrounded by her Shinidama Chuu, "With this apple, I shall kill Kag-, Snow White!"

Kagome snorted derisively while Sango pinched her cheeks, "Don't do that! Now stay still so that I can apply your makeup!"

The undead miko heard that snort and frowned, "I shall transform myself into an old woman!"

Inuyasha fanned hard at the solid carbon dioxide, hoping to get more fog to cover the stage while the actors swapped roles.

"Ah! The transformation is not good but... I think Snow White will believe me," Miroku gave his innocent smile and looked down at his royal purple robes and sash; at least he did not have to change, other than smearing his lips with some of Jakotsu's red lipstick.

Miroku walked around the stage in circles, holding the poisoned apple in his hands until he suddenly remembered, "Hey... shouldn't the Prince meet Kagome first?"

Naraku jumped up, "Oh yes! Where is the Prince?"

Rin replied happily, "Sesshoumaru-sama is washing his hair!"

"AGAIN!" Naraku rolled his eyes.

Sesshoumaru smiled at his reflection in the mirror; his hair was now very pretty and very glossy. He flicked his hair twice and bared his fangs, "Pantene is the best!"

"My turn?" Sesshoumaru tried not to roll his eyes. He was not very keen to work with Kagome, although he doubted that it would be better with Kikyou, or even worse, Kaede. Naraku pushed him out and pushed the sunglasses up on his oily nose, "Ready? One, Two, Three!"

The taiyoukai steadied the bright green beret on his head, inwardly lamenting that he could not show off his pretty silver hair and pulled the leash on Ah-Un, "To think we have to re-use this beast..."

Kagome kept her head lowered, pretending that she was picking flowers with Rin while Jaken stood proudly in anticipation for his youkai lord. Shippou and Kohaku wandered around at the back of the stage while Hakudoushi slept peacefully in his barrier.

"Snow White," Sesshoumaru unleashed a string of his youki and melted the flowers into a pool of green slime.

Kagome glared up at him, "You!"

The taiyoukai hopped down from Ah-Un and placed his mouth near her ear, "Wench, remember that we are supposed to fall in love."

The miko gritted her teeth and let out a sickening-sweet smile at him, "Who are you may I ask? You have just destroyed the flowers that Rin stole in a second! WOW!"

The taiyoukai did not miss the sarcasm and replied coolly, "I am the Prince from the Western Lands."

Kagome stood up while Rin latched on to Sesshoumaru's leg, "I see! And I am Snow White the fairest from... Tokyo!"

"Tokyo?" Sesshoumaru quirked his eyebrow.

"Yes! It is a place that Princes like you would have never heard before!" Kagome smiled with her eyes closed.

"Hmmm, I need to go. Page me if you need my help," Sesshoumaru turned around and made sure that his beautiful hair slapped across her face. Kagome froze; that scent was oddly familiar.

"You spineless dog! So it was you who stole my Pantene Shampoo!"

Sesshoumaru continued ahead as if nothing had happened, "Do you have the accompanying conditioner by the way?"

Kaede rubbed her temples, "The evil Queen went to the forest, in search for Snow White since the Mirror had revealed to her that the Princess was currently staying with five odd dwarves. Miroku smiled to himself and knocked on the wooden door, "Is there anyone in here?"

Kagome opened the door and bowed to the monk, "You are..."

The monk licked his chapped, lipstick-ed lips and continued, "I am an old wandering woman selling my apples."

Kagome coughed, in order to hide her laughter and replied solemnly, "Oh I would love to buy apples from you sir, er, lady! They look very delicious, but I have no money."

Miroku laughed softly and held a surprised Kagome's hands in his, "It's alright! The apples will be my gift to you as long as you are willing to bear my child!"

"HOUSHI-SAMA!" Sango roared and before anyone knew it, her bone boomerang knocked Miroku off a perspiring Kagome while both Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha dashed to the miko, each clasping one of her hands.

"You are mine Kagome!" Inuyasha frowned.

"Hanyou, she belongs to me. I am the Prince, not you," Sesshoumaru replied dryly.

"I knew it..." Miroku tried to count the stars and the birds that were now circulating his head.

"Let's fight then!" Inuyasha unsheathed Tessaiga while Sesshoumaru took out Toukijin.

"Hora hora! The two inu-brothers fighting! Place your bets with me on who will win!" Shippou waved his hands. "Sesshoumaru-sama of course!" Jaken, Rin, Hakudoushi and Kouga gave their dollar notes to Shippou, while Kohaku, Sango, Kagura and Kikyou betted on Inuyasha.

Naraku wanted to cry, "Why did no one bet on me!"

Kagome fainted; Houjou dragged her to the backstage while Kaede tried to tickle her face with Sesshoumaru's furry pelt.

Naraku clapped his hands, "Alright people! We are nearing the end, please do your best! And for goodness' sake Inuyasha, stop shaking your leg!"

The inu-hanyou scowled and adjusted the video camera on his shoulder, "Hurry up you bunch of idiots!"

"One, Two, Three!"

Kagome took a gentle bite into the fuji apple, closed her eyes and fell backwards, "Oh! I am poisoned, I am dying! Ahhh!"

Miroku opened his mouth and pretended to laugh out loud, while Naraku spoke for him, "KUKUKUKUKU! I have achieved my aim! Snow White is now dead!"

Rin ran out from her hiding place and kicked hard at Miroku's crotch, "You evil man! You poisoned our Princess!"

The monk gave a strangled shriek as he cupped his balls and hopped to the backstage; he had never known that Rin would take it so seriously.

"What should we do!" Shippou asked frantically.

"Bury her of course; she's dead," Hakudoushi yawned.

"She's not supposed to be dead yet..." Kohaku mumbled.

"Idiots!" Jaken swung Nintoujou at Kohaku who promptly ducked it.

"Ano... shall we make a flower wreath for her?" Rin asked innocently.

"She has to sleep in a glass coffin," Shippou frowned.

"And where are we supposed to get it?" Jaken grumbled.

"Steal from the neighbors? There was a funeral wake in their house yesterday..." Kohaku added helpfully.

"But its not glass!" Shippou cried.

"We can buy it," Kohaku smiled.

"We have no money!" Jaken shouted.

"We can blackmail Naraku with this," Hakudoushi took out the pulsing organ from his bunny-costume.

"FUCK YOU HAKUDOUSHI!" Inuyasha and Kagura swiftly went up to restrain the howling Naraku.

Shippou let out a mischievous grin, "Aa, that is a good idea."

Naraku stared at his empty wallet, and thought that if his heart was with him, it would be bleeding profusely now.

Kagome lay inside the glass coffin that was custom made for her; short enough for her petite size and wide enough because she had D-cupped breasts that Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha could not withhold from licking, sucking, and caressing. It was lined with Sesshoumaru's pelt and even though it was very soft, it felt extremely warm and ticklish.

"Snow White's face is as pale as the first snow as she lay within the glass coffin peacefully. The Prince of the Western Lands happened to chance by and when he saw Snow White's corpse, he wept."

Sesshoumaru squeezed the Eye-Mo out from his eyes and looked coldly at Kagome's serene, white-painted face, "She is dead."

Rin looked up and smiled, "Yes Kagome-"

Cough cough.

"Snow White is dead!" Rin finished her sentence and went back to bawl her eyes out for Kagome.

"How did she die?" Sesshoumaru allowed his eyes to rest on her ample chest. "Pretty big for her size..."

Shippou chewed on the wasabi in his mouth and teared further, "She... She was poisoned by her evil step-mother!"

Jaken continued, "With an apple... duh."

Kohaku swallowed the wasabi and sniffled, "Ano... She's not dead yet.. there's.. there's..."

Hakudoushi rolled his eyes, "There's a piece of apple stuck at the back of her throat, supposedly."

Sesshoumaru arched his delicate, newly plucked eyebrows up, "And?"

"Sesshoumaru-sama is supposed to kiss her!" Rin squealed. Jaken pinched Rin's underarms, who swiftly cried out loud again.

"Please kiss her, before we die from heat-stroke in these bunny costumes..." Hakudoushi sweated.

The taiyoukai pursed his lips; he had slapped on some strawberry-flavored (because that is Pseudomonas' favourite!) for this scene. He lowered his head down to the coffin.

WHAM!

Everyone gasped, except for Inuyasha who was howling out loud with laughter. Sesshoumaru touched his broken nose and wiped off the blood that dribbled out from his nostrils; he had forgotten to remove the glass cover and sent a death glare to Inuyasha, who was currently muffled with Kagome's panties by Miroku and Sango.

The taiyoukai tore off the glass cover with one hand, and Naraku could hear the shattering of his porcelain heart into a thousand pieces. Sesshoumaru then rammed his face hard against Kagome, ignoring her muffled protests and gave her mind-blowing, earth-smattering, heaven-splitting, arousal-inducing and hot, passionate, long, sensual, erotic, provocative KISS!

MUACCCKKK!

Kikyou wanted to vomit. Sango clasped her hands dreamily. Kaede closed her good eye. Rin blushed.

When both tore their mouths away from each other, there was a sexy blush on their faces. Sesshoumaru stood up straight and stretched out his right arm, to which Kagome blushed again (you know, they have to blush like 100 times before they can have sex!) and took it.

"I have dissolved that poisoned apple with my superior youkai saliva; she is revived."

Kagome felt a wave of nausea riding up her chest upon his gross statement; she turned around and emptied her stomach on Jaken's bunny-head. Inuyasha and Kouga growled, but of course our Sesshoumaru-sama ignored all these and spun Kagome around, with her saliva and vomit trailing over the 'dwarves' heads and looked into her sometimes cerulean, sometimes black, sometimes deep-brown eyes.

"We will mate tonight. I will bite into your neck like some demented rabid-inflicted dog, and you shall succumb to me like a mindless weakling who can think of nothing other than my super long and thick dick. And the hot raunchy sex that will shake Japan as never before."

Naraku let out a breath of relief and yelled, "Pseudomonas! Where is my Shikon no TAMA!"

T H E E N D

"Now, will you give me that Pantene conditioner?" Sesshoumaru winked.

"Well as long as you deliver like last night..." Kagome cooed.

Brought to you by Flea #2 or Pseudomonas. (Yes, her jokes are oh-so lame)