Chapter 2
It was dark on the following morning. There was very little sunlight and the usual clanking noise was absent. If it wasn't for the fact that her life had always been robotic, Rei wouldn't have been able to wake up on time. She still felt tired, but she forced herself to get washed and changed into her school uniform. She had something important to do at school this day.
The sky was a dull grey and it looked heavy. The clouds seemed to have moulded together, creating a hypnotizing mood among the people on the streets. It was extremely chilly with the cold wind stinging her pale skin. The branches on the trees danced with the wind as petals of floating leaves decorated the air.
Rei was having difficulties walking to school. Not only did it feel painful, it was also very cold and windy. Her legs trembled as the wind threatened to knock her thin frame to the ground. Her already messy hair was blown into a new level of disarray. She felt sick and dizzy. There was also an urge to vomit out the sandwich she had eaten for breakfast.
It got worse when a car started following her as she walked and kept beeping at her. The girl had always been convinced that not even thugs would find her attractive enough to be their target. She kept on walking trying to ignore them.
"Ayanami! Ayanami!" A small voice called out. The gushing sound of the wind made it impossible to tell who it was. Rei turned around and spotted the blue car following her. A window at the back seat had been rolled down and a brown haired boy was calling her name from the inside.
"Ayanami! Would you like a ride?" Shinji called out again. There was still a long walk ahead and Rei knew she would struggle to get to school. Besides, she had something she wanted to ask Shinji.
Without giving a verbal response, she walked towards the car. Shinji opened the back door for her and motioned her to climb in. Once inside the car, Rei shut the door and Misato sped up the engine.
"Good morning Rei," Misato chirped. She always seemed to be in good mood no matter the circumstances. Not even the horrible weather outside could do anything to displease her.
"Good morning major," Rei greeted back.
"You have a synch test tonight, don't you?" Misato asked.
"Yes major," Rei answered flatly.
"Don't call me major. This isn't the workplace. Call me Misato," The purple haired lady said.
"Yes Misato," Rei replied automatically. Before Misato could say anything else, Asuka, who was sitting at the shotgun, interrupted the conversation.
"She wants you to call her major. Since when has this arrogant witch been so modest?" The red head said sarcastically. Immediately, a verbal fight erupted between her and the driver.
Rei didn't mind, however. It gave her a chance to look at Shinji. The boy was looking out of the window. The quiet girl continued to stare at his back until she noticed that his ears had suddenly become very red. Shinji had caught Rei staring at him from the reflection on the window. Neither spoke until they reached school.
As usual, Asuka ran to class without waiting, leaving Shinji and Rei alone. Both walked silently up the corridors, watching students hurrying back to their classrooms as the bell rang.
"Ikari-kun," Rei broke the silence at last, "I wish to talk to you after school."
Shinji glanced at her curiously. The boy couldn't think of what she would want to talk about since it was very rare for her to start a conversation willingly."All right," he said, "what do you want to talk about?"
Rei hung her head low as if trying to think of something which had deep meanings. When she finally looked up, she said, "I wish to have a private conversation. Could you meet me on the roof after school?"
The boy stared at her some more. Talking with Rei had never been an easy thing to do. Most of the time, it was hard to even get a response from her, but Shinji welcomed her request. Deep inside he had always wanted to understand the quiet girl. He had always felt a special bond with Rei, something so special that it could not be put into words. And he was glad that Rei had asked him for a private conversation.
"All right, see you then," he said before both of them walked into the classroom.
The lessons seemed to be going on very slowly today. Everything looked as if it was done in slow motion. Speeches were exceptionally boring. The gossip was a long distance away from her world. Even the electric fan hanging on the ceiling was spinning in a much slower speed than usual. There was a nagging sensation inside her chest. Rei didn't understand the feeling, but she knew she was waiting eagerly for the class to end. She wanted to speak to Shinji.
She felt somewhat disappointed by her lunch. Rei had a vegetarian sandwich, as she normally did, but the food this afternoon was unsatisfactory. It left a bitter taste under her tongue. She took a few sips from her water bottle. Her mind drifted off to the sushi Shinji had offered her just a day ago. Was she missing the food?
Shinji was sitting together with his usual group of friends. Asuka seemed to be very friendly with him. Rei watched from a distance as they talked and laughed. Instead of staring out of the window, she was finding them very interesting. Rei suddenly became aware that she was sitting alone at her table. She had never felt this way before. It felt cold. It was as if she was isolated. Was she missing the food? Or was she missing Shinji?
Rei was about to leave her seat when a hand pushed her back down. Three girls popped onto the seats around her table. Sitting opposite her was the blonde girl called Miaka.
"Feeling a little lonely, aren't we?" She snickered as her two other friends held Rei's hands firmly on the table.
"Let me go," Rei said. There wasn't any trace of fear in her voice, which made Miaka even angrier. The blonde made a signal towards the direction of Shinji with her eyes.
"Missing your hero already?" She said faking her sweet voice again. When Rei gave no response, she added, "stop dreaming Barbie, he'll never have his eyes on you. He has Asuka." The last part of the sentence was said maliciously. "The two of them are dating. They're in love."
Rei felt a hint of sour as she heard Miaka say this. She still didn't understand why she was feeling this way. "Please let go of me."
"Sure we will," Miaka replied, "after we play a little game. After all, we don't want you to feel lonely, do we?" She took out a needle from her pocket. Her two friends tightened their grips on Rei.
The blonde pushed the needle into the tip of Rei's index finger, eliciting a sharp pain. The quiet girl's body cringed and she tried to pull away, but the grips were too strong for her. A tickle of blood seeped out of her wound as Miaka pulled out the needle.
"One down, nine more to go," the blonde grinned as she pushed the needle into another finger. Rei looked towards Shinji's direction. The boy was sitting with his back facing her and talking animatedly with Asuka. Rei felt helpless. It was another new sensation. She tried to call for help but the words wouldn't come out.
"Two down, eight more to go," Miaka went on with her sick game. The pain was nothing compared to her sessions with the commander, but her tolerance had somehow been lowered. Nevertheless, she didn't let the pain show on her face. Her red eyes stared into Miaka as the temperature inside her began to rise. She felt angry, another new sensation.
By the time Miaka finished with her left hand, her fingers had become numb. She looked towards Shinji's direction again. Kensuke had somehow noticed her and pointed her to Shinji. The later turned around and looked at Rei curiously.
"Seven down, only three more to go," Miaka said as she drew blood from the seventh finger. Shinji had stood up and started walking over to their table. Kensuke and Toji followed him closely behind. Rei's once delicate fingers were now swollen and bloody.
"Eight down, only two more to go," She was about to prick another finger when Shinji's voice stopped her.
"What are you doing?! Stop that!!" He pushed away the two girls holding Rei. The boy then took her hands gently and looked at her fingers. His eyes widened in horror. Shinji glared at the three girls; his fists were rapidly clenching and unclenching. Rei just stood there passively. Shinji's hands felt comfortable holding hers like that.
Toji and Kensuke were too shocked to do anything. Hikari and Asuka had left their table and were heading towards them. Miaka faked an innocent look and said with her disturbingly sweet voice, "Aw what did I do? I'm innocent!" She pouted her lips.
All the three boys looked at her feeling disgusted. Asuka saw Rei's fingers and then cast a glance at Miaka and her two friends. Hikari drew a sharp breath when she saw what had happened. The class rep turned towards the blonde and said, "That was sick. You're coming with me to the disciplinary office." With that, she grabbed Miaka's wrist and dragged her away, with Toji and Kensuke each taking one of her friends.
"Ayanami, come on, we need to get you to the infirmary." Shinji said as he pulled Rei towards the other direction. Asuka didn't know who to follow. She looked at Shinji's direction, and then at Hikari's direction, and finally decided to return to her table and continued her lunch. She didn't want any business with the disciplinary office and she somehow had the feeling that Rei and Shinji would prefer to be left alone.
Although her fingers were painful, there was a nice warm feeling inside Rei's body. Shinji was holding both her hands gently as he guided her to the infirmary. His hands felt soft and smooth despite having to do most of the chores at Misato's apartment. His feminine eyebrows were drawn closely together and his jaw was trembling.
When they reached their destination, the blood had already dried off. Shinji informed the nurse of what had happened. She let Rei sit down before starting to clean her wounds and apply anti-septics. The nurse was being gentle. She had never seen Rei at the infirmary before, so in her mind the blue haired girl wasn't someone who would get into trouble intentionally.
Rei watched curiously as the nurse tended to her wounds. It was stinging but she had felt worse pain before. The girl had a detached expression on her face, but she felt nervous on the inside. Dr Akagi had never been this gentle with her injuries before, and she had thought the blonde scientist was the best medical profession in the world. For the first time, she was paying attention to people outside the Nerv headquarters.
The ringing phone interrupted them. The nurse walked away to answer it while Shinji sat down beside Rei and looked at her with a concerned face. When Rei's eyes met his, he quickly looked away and stared at the bottles of medicine on the table.
"Why aren't you in class?" Rei asked with her usual soft voice. The school bell had rung a little while ago, meaning that afternoon classes had started. She was finding it strange for Shinji to remain by her side. All he had been doing was standing there looking at her. It had served no purpose at all.
"Oh, I'm just worried about you." Shinji replied casually.
"You're…you're worried about me?" Rei asked as though it was a very amazing thing to do.
"Yes. I can catch up with my work later. You don't have to worry about me." He said.
"But you're worried about me. Shouldn't I be worrying about you as well?" The girl asked.
Shinji tried to reply, but could find no suitable words. Rei was right in a sense. So Shinji just smiled and nodded his head. The nurse returned soon after.
"It was from the disciplinary office. I have to provide a medical record afterwards." She said before leaning close to Rei and added reassuringly, "that little witch will not go unpunished, I assure you. We will inform her parents as well."
Rei couldn't find anything to say, so she just let the nurse continue on with her job. When she was done, the blue haired girl had eight white dressings on her eight fingers. Only the fourth and fifth finger on her right hand remained undisturbed. Shinji picked up her hand and led her away before Rei stopped halfway. She turned towards the nurse.
"Thank you," she said. The nurse smiled at her and replied, "You're welcome."
Shinji had been holding her hand subconsciously during their walk back to the classroom. It had triggered a warm feeling inside her. Her cheeks felt hot, but she didn't understand why. This, coupled with thanking the nurse and receiving a kind reply, had made her feel something new. She had never felt this way until a week ago when she started to notice the little things Shinji had done for her.
The feeling evaporated when some students whistled at the pair when they noticed the two holding hands. Shinji immediately let go of her and grew red in the face. Rei felt as if something had been pulled away from her. She didn't like it.
The rest of the school went on uneventfully. Miaka and her friends were not seen again for the day. None of her classmates had questioned her about her fingers. Neither did they tease her about it. Hikari, like the nurse, had come and expressed her concern. She also told Rei that Miaka would be punished accordingly. Rei wasn't very interested in Miaka. Deep inside, she wanted the school to end quickly.
Finally, the bell rang, signalling the end of school for the day. Students rushed out into the corridors pushing each other along the way. Some of her classmates, including Asuka and Hikari, stayed behind to clean the classroom. Toji and Kensuke had left for their homes. The weather was too chilly outside, and the wind too strong for them to play basketball.
Rei put her belongings neatly into her bag before moving onto the rooftop. She had to meet Shinji there. When she reached the open space, Rei couldn't help but feel cold. The weather had not been the best that afternoon. Nevertheless, she sat down at a corner and waited patiently for Shinji to arrive.
It didn't take the boy very long. He spotted Rei easily and went over to sit by her side.
"Well, Ayanami, what is it you wish to tell me?" Shinji asked looking at her.
Rei sat there quietly. She had not prepared any question. All she knew was that she wanted to talk to Shinji. But exactly what did she want to know? Shinji waited patiently for her to speak. After a few silent minutes, Rei decided that she could start with simple questions.
"You rejected Miaka's invitation to her party. You also mentioned that you would go only if I were invited. Why?" She asked.
"Oh," Shinji was surprised at her question. He had not expected something like this. "I just felt that she was being very rude to you. The message she sent to the class was very insulting."
"You don't want to go because she was rude to me?"
"Yes," Shinji replied. "But don't worry. I've never enjoyed huge parties anyway."
Rei paused for a moment before continuing.
"That day, you came to me and offered me your umbrella. Why?"
"Oh that," Shinji was beginning to feel amused. "It was raining, and I didn't want you to get wet. I didn't know you didn't want my help."
"I could dry myself once I reached my apartment."
"But wouldn't it be better if you didn't get wet at all? You might catch a cold."
"You didn't want me to catch a cold?"
Shinji eyes widened at her question. "Of course I wouldn't want you to catch a cold."
Again, Rei paused for a moment before she continued.
"Was that the same reason why you lent me Asuka's dry uniform?" She asked.
"Y-yes, it was." Shinji replied.
"You interrupted Miaka when she tried to insult me. Why?"
"O-of course, that was the right thing to do!" Shinji replied.
"Why was it the right thing to do?" The girl asked again.
"Don't you feel bad when she did that?" Shinji asked back.
Rei paused for another moment, seemingly trying to digest the information Shinji had given her. So far Shinji's answers had been agreeable, but she still couldn't understand certain things. There was still something missing. She wanted a more complete explanation.
"You gave me Sohryu's sushi for lunch. Why?" Rei asked.
"You were hungry, and I didn't want you to feel hungry." Shinji was trying to make his answers sound as logical as possible. Admittedly, he was getting impatient with Rei's questions, but it wasn't often that Rei would show interest in anything. Still, he wished Rei would talk more about herself instead of asking him silly questions.
"You offered to give me a ride this morning. Why?" She asked again.
Shinji figured out that if he didn't give her a satisfactory answer, her questions might never end. He thought about it carefully while Rei sat beside him waiting patiently. Shinji finally answered after he had chosen his words carefully, "because I care about you."
"You care about me?" Rei asked.
"Yes, I want you to be happy. I want to be your friend." Shinji added, "Misato cares about you too. She drove you here, not me. And she has always told us to be kind to you."
Rei seemed to be having a hard time understanding, but there was a faint blush on her cheeks.
"As strange as it may sound, Asuka cares too. She rejected Miaka's invitation because of how she treated you." Shinji continued, "There are people who care for you, Ayanami. It saddened me when you got hurt just now. You should've called for help when Miaka had started hurting you."
"Call for help?" She asked.
"You do not deserve the pain, Ayanami. No one does. If you need help, just ask me or Misato. We'll be more than willing to assist you." Shinji finished his sentence smiling. He hoped that his carefully chosen words would make Rei understand and be more open to him.
Rei stared straight ahead for a long period of time. The last part of what Shinji had said had triggered another unknown feeling inside her. It felt strange and she didn't understand it.
"Are you and Sohryu dating?" She asked finally. Something inside her stomach made a turn. For some reasons, she felt anxious and yet afraid at what answer Shinji might give her. The boy just stared at her dumbfounded.
"A-Asuka and m-me? N-no, she was joking!" Shinji started talking bubbles again, but Rei felt relieved at his answer. She couldn't understand why. The heavy stone inside her was dropped. What did Shinji's private life have anything to do with her? Nevertheless, her lips curved upwards as she smiled softly. Shinji stopped stuttering as soon as he saw the sight.
But the peaceful moment was interrupted by a booming sound of a red head.
"BAKA SHINJI!!! What the hell are you doing here?" Asuka stormed towards them. "I've been looking all over the place for you! Are you coming home or not?!"
"All right I'm coming Asuka!" Shinji said as he stood up. "I've got to go, Ayanami."
Rei nodded her head.
"Here, take this." Shinji took off his jacket and handed it to Rei. "It's cold, and I don't want you to fall sick."
Rei received the white jacket from him. She gave it another thought for a moment before saying, "Because you care."
Shinji smiled, "Yes, because I care." Then he jogged off to join Asuka. Together they went down the stairs and disappeared from sight.
The clouds had become increasingly heavy. Thunder roared in the distant sky. It looked like it was going to rain soon. The school was now empty save for a few students. The sun had almost gone down the horizon, washing the city with a dull orange colour. Birds were flying back to their nests. The wind felt cold on her skin, but inside her heart was glowing with warmth.
Rei put on Shinji's jacket and slowly stood up. She then walked towards the NERV headquarters for her synch test, feeling better than she had that morning.
For the first time in weeks, Rei was able to clear her mind completely and as a result, her synch ratio improved. The test was over and done a lot quicker than usual. It wasn't long before she was given permission to leave.
Her talk with Shinji had been very rewarding. She now knew why Shinji had been doing things for her. It was because Shinji cared about her. He wanted to be her friend. The concept of a friend was still very new to her, but it had sounded agreeable. Rei wanted to be Shinji's friend too. She wanted to continue feeling the pleasant emotions when Shinji was close to her.
However, the talk had also raised a few new questions for Rei. She didn't understand why she had been so relieved when Shinji told her that he had not been dating Asuka. She also didn't understand why she had felt that way when Shinji had told her that she should ask for help whenever she needed it. The statement had stirred doubts within her. For the first time, there were doubts about the commander.
What if he had never cared for her? The way he acted towards her was very different from Shinji's caring way. What if the commander had been using her all along? What if she was never obligated to follow whatever orders he gave her? What if she chose to deny the commander? What would happen? What if the commander's nightly sessions with her was actually a betrayal of trust?
Rei found herself asking all these questions as she showered off the LCL fluid on her body. Unlike the stinging cold water in her apartment, the water in the headquarters felt comfortable. She took her time cleaning herself, taking care not to cause further harm to her already injured fingers. It had always been convenient to use showering time to reflect upon certain things in her life. The girl wondered why she was having such a hard time understanding her own feelings whereas teenagers of her own age didn't seem to have any difficulties at all.
Was it because she was not purely human? Was it because half of her DNA sequence was salvaged from Angels? Was that why she was incomplete? Was that the reason why she had difficulties understanding human emotions? But being a half-angel was not something she could choose not to be. It wasn't within the range of what she could do, but then why was she suddenly so curious about appreciating the emotions she felt within?
For the first time in her life, Rei questioned her own value. She had often questioned her own identity, but never her own value. Rei was the key to the ultimate human evolution. The girl knew that much, but if given the chance to choose, would she have preferred to stay as half-angel, or would she have chosen to be just a normal human who could understand the complexity of emotions?
The blue haired girl was now feeling breathless. It was all new to her. She rubbed her body with the soap furiously, causing her skin to flare up, but no matter how hard she tried, Rei still felt that her body was dirty. She had begun to hate the pale skin attached to her thin frame. The curves of her body had suddenly become irritating. The twinkle of fire had lit up once again inside her. She felt ashamed. She didn't want anyone to see her.
Rei hated herself. For the first time, her self-esteem was brought to her attention.
Her unusual outburst lasted for a few more minutes before she managed to calm down and return to her passive self. Rei washed off the soap carefully before stepping out of the shower. Just when she thought she finally understood some of her feelings, more questions appeared in her mind. It was frustrating, another new feeling.
She dressed into her school uniform quietly and walked out of the changing room into the corridors. The layout of the complex had long been ingrained in her mind. Rei had no trouble finding her way even to the most isolated area of this facility. She slowly made her way towards the main entrance door, hoping to get back to her bed as soon as she could.
"I told you. All the information had been written in the reports. You know as much as I do." The voice of a certain Dr Akagi stopped Rei in her tracks. She turned a corner and stood before a closed door. It was the only object blocking her from the doctor and the major, who were quarrelling on the other side of the door.
"Don't underestimate me, Ritsuko. I know you're hiding something from me." Misato said.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Ritsuko replied.
"You know what I'm talking about! First it had moved without power supply, and then you developed the dummy system without informing me, and now it ingested an S2 organ. What next?" Misato almost yelled. "What exactly are Nerv's intentions?"
"To defeat the Angels, it's as simple as that." The doctor answered.
"Don't take me as a fool, Ritsuko. The fact that those Angels only attack Tokyo-3 is no coincidence. You're hiding something. You have something that they want." Misato said. "Do not test my patience, Ritsuko."
"I assure you that I know nothing more than you do. If you have any further questions, go ask the commander." The blonde said coolly.
"Ritsuko!!!" Misato raised her voice, "Do you still consider me as your friend?"
"Does it matter?" Ritsuko asked back. There were footsteps walking towards the door. The doctor seemed to be about to leave the room.
"You know what the commander is like. He cares about nothing. You saw how he treats Shinji. He's using you Ritsuko! Take my advice, he's not worth it!" Misato said, her voice slightly trembling.
"Don't try to be smart Misato, if you know what's good for you." Ritsuko countered, "I'm only doing what must be done. He's the commander and I follow his orders. It is as simple as that."
"So you only follow orders? Do you think that's the right thing to do? What does your heart tell you, my friend?" Misato said with gritted teeth, disappointment evident in her voice.
Ritsuko gave no response until she stopped just in front of the door. "My heart tells me that if you keep on pursuing, you'll end up like the cat. He's in deep trouble, you know?"
The metal door slid open to reveal the blonde scientist. Rei's eyes met hers and for a few moments they just stood there staring at each other. Then the doctor turned her attention towards the corridor and walked away, seemingly unfazed by Rei's eavesdropping. Misato's face was flushed red and there were angry tears behind her eyes.
When the purple haired woman saw her, she quickly wiped her eyes and forced an exhausted smile. "Hello Rei."
"Hello Major," the quiet girl replied.
"You did well in the synch test," Misato patted Rei on her shoulder before she added, "keep it up." She then walked out of the room, but before she could disappear from sight, Rei caught up with her.
"Major, could I ask you a few questions?" She asked.
Misato was surprised. Rei seldom had questions for anyone. She was brought up by the commander and trained to be the perfect soldier. In spite of that, Misato had always thought that Rei was being misled, although she had never put any effort into helping the girl before. Misato bent down until she reached the same level of height as the quiet girl. "Yes, of course. What do you want to ask me?"
Once again, Rei struggled to find the right question. All she knew was that she was confused. She wanted help, and by following Shinji's advice, she had asked for assistance from the major, but what exactly did she want to know? Unable to find a solution, she finally decided to start with the conversation between the doctor and the major that she had overheard.
"Is the doctor truly being used?" She asked.
Misato's eyes widened and for a moment she couldn't find the right words. It was the last question she had expected from the First Child. Neither Shinji nor Asuka had ever asked something this bold before, and Misato couldn't help but feel proud of Rei's willingness to question the authority, although she was still unsure of the exact meaning behind the girl's words. She tried to come out with a plausible answer, but failed miserably.
"Rei, certain things are better left to the adults," Misato felt sorry for not answering her properly, but Rei had always been close to the commander, and she didn't want words to leak out to the man, "You should just concentrate on piloting."
The grown up lady was about to leave when Rei stopped her again.
"But major," She said, "I wish to know."
By then Misato was shocked beyond words, for she had believed that, as a living human being, Rei was the most hopeless out of the three pilots. She was still hesitating when Rei finally added.
"Misato," Rei continued, "I wish to understand," Her voice was soft and for once, her usual emotionless tone was replaced by a hopeful one.
The use of her name struck a cord within Misato. She still didn't want to tell Rei of her own personal feelings about the commander, but after listening to what Rei said, the major felt that the quiet girl deserved a better answer than what she had already given her.
"Rei, whether or not Ritsuko is being used, I'll leave that for you to decide on your own," Misato said as she bent down. "The important thing is what your heart tells you to do. Every person has their own will, but you have to discover it, and control it. Ritsuko, as far as I know, is not listening to her own feelings, and that is why her world is so empty."
Her words touched something sensitive inside Rei. The blue haired girl was still trying hard to process them when Misato decided to add, "Do you remember that last part I said to Ritsuko?"
Rei gave no response, but somehow Misato had the feeling that the girl understood. "It applies to everyone, Rei, not just Ritsuko." She said before leaving the First Child standing there alone in the corridor.
The walk back to her apartment felt a lot longer than it used to be. She had been deep in thought, but at the same time she was unusually aware of the surroundings. The sky was a black blanket hanging over the city; street lights cast long shadows on buildings and roads. Walking alone in the dark was never an enjoyable experience. The howling of stray dogs in the distance was the only noise breaking the silence. Rei felt a sudden need to look behind her back every once in a while.
Fear was the feeling she felt. The emotions deep inside her had begun to unlock themselves one by one…
By the time she reached inside her apartment, Rei was feeling breathless. She searched for the lock to the door, only to realise that it had been broken months ago. The interior of her residence was old and unfurnished, but the feelings inside her were new. Rei felt uncomfortable. They were threatening to overflow, and she hated changes. It brought uncertainties and suspicion.
She walked slowly over to the study table and picked up the green framed glasses of the commander. Although still recognisable, there were a few cracks, but there had been changes, Rei felt that the glasses no longer looked the same as they once did. The cracks felt less significant, and she had an overwhelming desire to see more cracks on it. She tried to tighten her grip, but the frame was too strong.
Or was her will too weak?
Shinji had told her how he felt about his father.
Shinji had also helped her and told her that she should trust the major.
The little things that Shinji had done for her…
What the major had said…
The commander cared for nothing…
The way he treated Shinji, someone who cared for her…
The way he treated the doctor, someone who despised her…
The way he treated Rei herself, the sessions suddenly felt sickening…
The way he mumbled the name of his late wife, the only one he loved…
Was he worth it? What was her purpose?
"The important thing is what your heart tells you to do. Every person has their own will, but you have to discover it, and control it. Ritsuko, as far as I know, is not listening to her own feelings, and that is why her world is so empty."
Voices…voices of the major…
"They are unnecessary. Concentrate on your purpose. Forget about the emotions. Just do as I say. Your day will come very soon."
Voices…voices of the commander…
"You do not deserve the pain, Ayanami. No one does. If you need help, just ask me or Misato. We'll be more than willing to assist you."
Voices…voices of Shinji…
Rei stared as droplets of fluid fell down, darkening the table wherever it touched. Her eyes stung with each hit and soon her vision was blurred. There was a stinging pain on her hands. They were squeezed tightly together. Blood was leaking out from the spaces between her fingers. She opened her palm. The glasses that had once belonged to the commander, was now in broken pieces.
She dropped its remaining to the floor and held out her hands, as tears fell freely onto them, mixing together with the blood on the ugly wounds. It gave a new definition of pain, both on the outside and on the inside.
'Am I…am I crying?' Rei thought to herself. 'What if…what if the commander was wrong…?'