Discl. I don't own anything related to the O.C.

Thank you so much guys for the many reviews! I hope you'll all stick with me after the next chapter… it's getting dark… My thanks go to Leentje, DeCeu628, MalibuBarbie253, Rainygal, I-Believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), Megan, GalootMaster, liz, Purse-fanatic, Maddy-sparkles, kursk, and tigercrystal, you guys are the best!

Chapter 13

Everyone felt numb when they stepped out of Bernadette's room, too upset and tired to exactly realise what just had happened, too exhausted to cry.

Dr. Hanson informed Ryan, that there were some formalities he had to take care of, but that he later could see his son for a few minutes. Seth, Summer and the kids meanwhile decided to go home and get some sleep, knowing that busy days were coming up.

Sandy and Kirsten offered to stay with Ryan and Alyssa, driving them home when Ryan was finished with the bureaucracy stuff.

Alyssa never left her father's side, always either holding his hand or leaning on to him when he was sitting and writing. They didn't speak, but both of them knew, that they needed each other desperately, that their constant contact kept them from breaking apart.

The sun was already rising when Dr. Hanson finally allowed them to see their new family member for a few minutes. The little boy was laying in a small bed, machines all around, supporting his lunges as they were not fully developed, not allowing the baby to breathe by himself. It was breaking Ryan's heart to see his son suffering. Silent tears were running down Alyssa's cheek, not believing that this little human being behind the glass wall was her brother she had been longing to cuddle, to take care of, since she knew that her mum was pregnant.

Ryan silently pulled his daughter closer, running his hand through her hair, showing her that he was thinking the same.

After a few minutes the two of them left the premature infant ward, searching for Kirsten and Sandy, explaining that they were ready to leave.

Nobody spoke on the way home. Kirsten and Sandy thought about the funeral service they had to take care of, while Ryan was not able to forget the face of his dead wife, the little body of his son, fighting to survive.

Arriving at the Atwood mansion, the adults climbed out of the car, unsure of how to express their feelings. Finally Kirsten hugged Ryan, whispering:

"I'm so sorry love... You know where to find us, ok?"

Ryan nodded, releasing himself from Kirsten's embrace, thankfully glancing at her. Sandy was next, hugging his son tight, showing him that they were here to support him whenever he needed them.

The dark blonde man then carefully reached for his sleeping daughter, picked her up and carried her into the house, gently laying her down in her bed. Taking off her clothes, he dressed her in a pyjama he found in the closet, before covering her up with a blanket, tenderly kissing her forehead. Sitting down in a chair next to the bed, he observed his sleeping daughter. Ryan was tired, but there was no way he was able to sleep with all the images in his head, the pain and the feeling of abandonment and loneliness in his heart.

Waking up by the smell of coffee in his nose, Ryan slowly opened his eyes, confused as to where he was, before remembering the events of last night. The adult moved in his chair, realising that he must have dozen off in Alyssa's room. Looking over to his daughter's bed he saw that it was empty, but figuring from the noises he heard in the kitchen he guessed that she was up, obviously preparing something to eat. A glance at the watch informed him that it was noon.

Getting up he stretched his stiff body, re-animating his aching body parts, before making his way down to the ground floor.

"Good morning" Ryan softly greeted Alyssa, who was standing at the cooker, watching the bacon in the fry pan.

"Good morning" Alyssa replied, her red, puffy eyes meeting her father's.

Ryan silently pulled her into a hug, needing to feel her warm, lively body close to him. His heart was once again breaking at the sight of his daughter. Would his love for her be enough to let them get through this?

"Is there anything I can do?" he finally asked, placing himself at the counter.

The question was very vague, but Alyssa understood, able to communicate with her Dad without many words.

"Please don't leave me alone..." the girl answered, gulping slightly, sadly watching her bacon frizzling in the pan.

"I promise..." Ryan answered quietly, knowing that she wasn't talking about today, nor about the next few weeks, but also knowing that he promised something he probably wouldn't be able to keep. He sighed, not fully sure as to how to handle this whole situation.

"Let's just take one day after another... We can make it through this..." he then told his daughter, trying to convince her and himself that they could survive this together.

The two ate in silence, neither of them ready to talk, just trying to absorb the pain in their hearts, the numb feeling in their heads.

In the afternoon Kirsten and Sandy came by, bringing the invitation list for the funeral. As Bernadette didn't have any family, it was going to be a small service.

Ryan scanned the list, not really paying attention to the single names when he suddenly stopped, pointing at a special name.

"You've got to be kidding me..." he quietly told Kirsten, who had a guilty look on her face.

"She's all family you have left Ryan... and she is sober for several years now. Please..."

Ryan's face hardened at the thought of his mother, at their fights and her rehabilitation efforts during the last few years. After the death of Trey 15 years ago and the sudden exitus of his father, Dawn came back, trying to make up, pleading him to giver her another chance.

Ryan wouldn't be Ryan if he didn't try to help her. Supported by Bernadette, they placed her in a rehab centre, wanting her to get better, to maybe become a mother again, maybe even a grandmother to Alyssa.

But then she started arguing with him about the upbringing of Alyssa and the way he handled things at the Newport Group. When she tried to convince him that Bernadette had only married him for his money, telling him to divorce her and send her back to where she came from, his patience was over and he told her to stay away, forever. He continued paying her rent, making sure that she had enough money to live through every month, but she was not allowed near his family anymore.

"She doesn't belong here... You are my family..." Ryan hissed angrily, confused at the sudden effort of his foster parents to bond with his mum.

"We know that son, but she might be able to help you... please Ryan, do it for us... " Sandy explained, pleading for his foster son to understand.

"But why!"

"It's Bernadette's wish..." Kirsten finally revealed, avoiding Ryan's eyes.

"What!"

"She faxed me the invitation list a few days ago, asking me to take care of it once... She knew that you would be resentful of your mother, but she wants you to straighten things out..." Kirsten softly explained, reaching for Ryan's hand, squeezing it gently.

"Guess there is nothing I can do against it then" Ryan answered upset, "but don't expect me to talk to her..."

They were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Ryan picked up and paled immediately when he heard who was on the other end.

"We'll be there in 10 minutes" he only said, before ending the call and looking at his parents, his eyes widened in shock.

"Alyssa!" he then called, not answering the questions he could see in Kirsten and Sandy's eyes.

"Yes Daddy?" his daughter yelled from her bedroom.

"Please get dressed, we gotta go to the hospital" Ryan answered, while grabbing his keys and his wallet, walking to the door, ripping it open.

Turning around he told his parents:

"The baby..." letting his voice trail off, leaving the rest to their imagination.

A few seconds later Alyssa came running down the stairs, grabbed Ryan's hand and off they were, leaving a startled Kirsten and Sandy behind.

When they arrived at the hospital, Dr. Hanson was already outside, waiting for them, immediately guiding them to the ward where the baby was placed.

Standing outside the window, looking at the fragile little body, Alyssa and Ryan were both close to tears, listening to the doctor talking.

"Everything looked good when you left earlier this morning. But around noon the complications started. He needed to be re-animated after a collapse of all the major organs... He is still alive now, but we are not sure about a possible brain damage as he was out for about 15 minutes."

The doctor stopped, looking at the family next to him, his heart full of sympathy, not knowing how to tell them what he needed to tell:

"We can keep the life supporting devices running and he could make it through the next few days. He could even live for a few months, but we don't know anything about the damages he experienced..."

"Are you suggestion to turn off the devices?" Ryan quietly asked, pulling Alyssa closer to his body, showing her that he was here.

"I know it's a tough decision, but the chance of the boy surviving is slim, surviving without any future damages is like 1..."

Ryan turned his head, directly looking at Dr. Hanson, explaining:

"My daughter and myself, we need some time to think about this..."

"Of course... there is a waiting room down the hall where nobody is staying, please feel free to use it. I'll be around if you need me" the medic softly told them, leaving to look after his other patients.

The architect and his daughter slowly walked over to the room the doctor had told them about, sitting down vis-à-vis each other, tears dancing in Alyssa's eyes.

Neither of them spoke, they just looked at each other, scared of their own thoughts, not sure if they wanted to know what the other was thinking.

Finally Alyssa told her father:

"I always wanted a brother..." she stopped and carefully inspected Ryan's reaction, but the adult's face didn't show any emotion.

"But I don't want to see my little brother suffering any more..." she continued in a low voice, hoping her Dad wouldn't hate her for expressing her thoughts in audible words.

Ryan just nodded, reaching for Alyssa's hands, holding them while telling her:

"I know... It's not fair to keep him alive just to make Mummy's death appear a little bit less pointless... But are you sure? It might be your last chance…. I mean… maybe you will never have any siblings…"

The sadness in Ryan's eyes was nearly unbearable for his daughter, when she realised, that her Dad was talking about not believing that he would ever marry again.

Alyssa nodded, softly telling him:

"Cassandra and Benjamin are my siblings, and auntie Summer and uncle Seth have always been like parents to me, that's all the family we need, right?"

Ryan nodded, fully understanding what she was talking about.

"But I have one wish…. Before… I want to remember my baby brother by name" Alyssa whispered, fresh tears running down her cheeks.

"What name?" her father asked her.

"David…. It means beloved… I want him to know, that for the short time he was on this earth, he was loved…."

Ryan felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He knew, when his son had a name, it would only be harder to get over the loss, harder to forget… But this wasn't the day to refuse his daughter's request. Getting up and leaving the room, Ryan looked for a nurse who could tell him where to find a minister. It didn't take long for the man of God to arrive and to baptizes the boy in attendance of Alyssa and Ryan.

Alyssa gave her little brother one last glance, pressing her fingers to the glass wall, tears in her eyes, before she turned around, walking out of the hospital and placing herself on a bench, waiting for Ryan to follow. The adult went over to Dr. Hanson, explaining him their decision, signing the papers the medic had prepared, before following his daughter outside, neither of them looking back.

They drove home without much talking. What had they left to talk about? Their life had been shattered and they knew, it would never the be same again. When Ryan opened the door to the entrance hall, silence greeted them. The adult shuddered, trying to shake off the feeling of loneliness and desperation that kept creeping into his system.

Alyssa slowly walked to the stairs, before turning around, directly looking at her father. Ryan flinched at the feelings he could see in her eyes. Feelings of complete loneliness, hopelessness and fear. Her look cut directly in to his heart, letting it break a little more.

"I need to be alone for some time..." Alyssa explained, running up the stairs, disappearing into her room. Ryan could hear her locking the door. He silently climbed up the stairs, listening for any noise in his daughter's nursery. Hearing her sobs, knowing that she was crying her heart out about the loss of her Mum, the loss of her little brother, something in his brain clicked, resulting in him completely losing self-control.

'This can't be true... this can't be happening... How can I ever face my daughter again after she lost nearly everything in her life? Why wasn't I able to protect my family from this tragedy?' In a panic reaction he ran down the stairs, out of the house, jumped into his car, driving off to the beach.

How could he possibly live on, now that his wife and his son had died? Suddenly all became clear. He didn't deserve to live. He had failed, failed to protect his family. All he had left was his daughter, who right now was lost in tears, probably hating him for not being able to hold the family together... His brain was working quickly, balancing all possibilities he had left… Only one solution seemed suitable: He needed an escape...

A/N: this was a difficult chapter to write, but I hope you liked it. Next update probably on Sunday or Monday, depends on the weather and if I'm in the mood to write ;-)